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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit creepy!

126 replies

Doctordid · 03/02/2018 09:16

I have a neighbour who shares our hallway. 'Bob' is 73.

I rarely see Bob due to work and him being with family so don't have a close relationship at all with him. Bob is fit and active, still works part time and has family who live locally so he's not making conversation because he is lonely or such.

When I do see Bob he regular makes comments about sex. Meh I'm not a fuddy duddy but...

Gems have been

'haven't you had a man since your ex, if you haven't it is unfair. We aren't all the same, If I was with you I would just want someone to cuddle in front of the TV with and have a fumble around on the bed but sex would be good too Shock)
If I was with you then I would want to keep our own flats and I wouldn't bother you it would be good if we could still have a fumble.
And various degrees about me and him having sex and how we would maintain the relationship ...

He also texts me to say I've heard you come in come round for a coffee etc as soon as I walk through the door.

Aibu to think you don't discuss scenarios of how you would have sex with your neighbour who had shown no signs of any interest!

The kids are teens and have overheard some of this and think it is hilarious and refer to him as my boyfriend little buggers Blush

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2018 11:33

I'm with the 'age is irrelevant' group. He's a man behaving creepily towards you. You don't have to respond to that any differently because he is 73, than you would to any younger man behaving creepily.

The fact he's your neighbour is more relevant, because he's harder to avoid than some people and there may be situations where you have to interact, or it's a burden on you not to be able to do so in a straightforward way.

Tell him clearly how inappropriate you find his comments and that they will stop now.

By all means message his son, once only. Then, on the off-chance that this is out of character, he can deal with that.

ohfortuna · 03/02/2018 11:34

Designed to make you feel as if he's Watching You and he owns you

BertrandRussell · 03/02/2018 11:34

Don’t message his son. Would you message his son if he was 40?

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2018 11:39

The reason I'd message the son is that it was the son who instigated the exchange of numbers - in connection with concern for his father after an operation. It is relevant for OP to let the son know she is no longer undertaking any 'watching' role on his behalf.

Doing so probably became irrelevant as soon as he recovered from that operation and the son may have thought not more of it. But, there may be a lasting implicit assumption that OP has taken on some sort of low-key caring role.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 03/02/2018 11:40

Bertrand, the man is 73. Now, he could just be a creep, but unfortunately dementia becomes a real possibility at this age - and it often begins with disinhibited behaviour - including an obsession with sex. This is not agism but a fact

My MIL has, among things, accused me of being a prostitute. So far, so MN. But it's not her talking, it's the dementia. And I would hate for any person to judge my very lovely MIL on the basis of anything her dementia says.

I certainly agree it's not the OP's fault or problem. And I've said this several times. I've also said she needs to block, and explain why she's done it to the son.

gottachangethename1 · 03/02/2018 11:46

Sadly, this is not as uncommon as you May think. My 70 year old neighbour made similar (not as near the knuckle) to me when his poor wife wasn’t around. I did the ‘in your dreams love’ and laughed uproariously. He hasnt said a bad word since.

NeepNeepNeep · 03/02/2018 11:48

Block his number and ignore him.

babyccinoo · 03/02/2018 11:50

The kids are teens and have overheard some of this and think it is hilarious and refer to him as my boyfriend little buggers Blush

Why are you blushing, OP? You should be angry at this sexual harassment. Change your number and tell him clearly that he is harrassing you and needs to stop.

Why do women minimise harassment.

StealthPolarBear · 03/02/2018 11:57

If it is the start of dementia its relevant as the op telling him to stop will not work.
Only op can answer if he's always been like this

AngryAttackKittens · 03/02/2018 11:58

IMO OP should be free to judge the man who's harassing her as harshly as she likes, and in fact should be encouraged to do so given that she seems to be leaning towards feeling that this is somehow her fault.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 03/02/2018 12:02

You need to call him out on it. Stop tip toeing around him just because he's old.

My friend had this from an old guy who'd stand next to her and say what he'd like to do to her down her ear (( at the bus stop usually ))

He didn't bloody do it again when I spotted him in town one day and loudly and clearly let half of poundworld know what he'd been doing. Disgusting old perv. To make it worse my friend was a victim of childhood abuse and I'm pretty certain he picked up on that. I was fuming !!

grannytomine · 03/02/2018 12:15

OP if you have known him for a few years has he always been like this? I just wondered as I have a friend with dementia and she has gone from being very prim and proper to being very inappropriate to say the least. The poor young men who are carers at her home deal with it well but I am often embarrassed when I hear the things she says. This started some years ago, not as bad but inappropriate things and then when the dementia got worse and was diagnosed it all made sense.

It doesn't make it any easier of course and if he has always been like this then he it is creepy.

grannytomine · 03/02/2018 12:21

I do wish people wouldn’t talk about dementia the moment anyone over the age of about 40 is mentioned. It’s just ageist crap. This guy is a creep and he is harassing you. Police. I agree that people do jump to dementia too quickly on here but this is quite classic apparently. I had no experience of dementia until recently and I'm broadminded but if you heard some of the stuff the woman I know comes out with you would imagine she must have been predatory her whole life. She really wasn't, she was quite the opposite. It does make me wonder what was going on in her head behind that exterior but we will never know that.

Childrenofthestones · 03/02/2018 12:28

Take a leaf out of Jordan Petersons new book, available from all good book shops, and fight your natural female inclination to be agreeable.
Tell him you don't speak double entendre and if all the same you would rather he knock it on the head.
If that doesn't work tell him to fook off.😁👍

Original poster
Doctordid · 03/02/2018 14:28

Well tbh he's made comments for a while about me being alone and not having a partner and stuff but I thought he was trying to set me up with his son and just laughed it off and said that I am happy alone thanks.

It's only recently that he has been making the sex comments and I was a bit taken aback tbh and made some comment about couldn't be doing with the hassle of a moaning man around.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 03/02/2018 14:31

Doctordid, I would speak to his son. Neighbours talking to me about what was happening with the lady I know helped me when talking to Social Services and her doctor and getting a diagnosis. He might just be a dirty old man or he might have a problem, dementia or something else.

thebewilderness · 03/02/2018 14:31

I hope you will also have a talk with your kids about sexual harassment and how not funny it is to the target.

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 03/02/2018 14:47

Tell him to fumble off.

happinessischocolate · 03/02/2018 14:59

How old are you? I'd reply "BOB, I'm shocked you're old enough to be my father/grandfather/great grandfather and you should know better"

Does he have internet? You could sign him up for some dating websites 😀

Footle · 03/02/2018 15:07

He also needs to stop phoning to let you know he knows you're home. You already know that. It's not his business, and it's uncomfortable for you.

DonkeyOil · 03/02/2018 15:17

My MIL has, among things, accused me of being a prostitute. So far, so MN.

Grin
lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2018 15:33

You need to be much, much more direct about the inappropriateness of his comments and behaviour. With humour or straight-faced is up to you.

But you do need to get the message across to him bluntly and directly. He'll probably take hinting, gentle brush-off comments as a come-on and you have no need at all to spare his feelings. He doesn't have the slightest concern for yours and is definitely preying on your niceness.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2018 15:35

And it's a great learning point for your kids. They should never put up with this sort of crap, or do it to anyone. You do not think it is acceptable and would hope and expect they would talk to you - and could expect your support - if they find themselves in such a position.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 03/02/2018 16:28

Ugh. That's creepy as hell, whatever age he is. Next time he says something sexual, say "That kind of talk makes me feel really uncomfortable, can you stop doing it please?" If he does it again after that step up your response the second and third time. Three strikes and he's out... Block him and tell the son you've done it, so no more emergency contact. Dirty old sod.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/02/2018 20:30

To be honest OP, I'm not sure from reading your posts whether this is welcome attention or not, given that it is just 'banter' so far. I say this because for me - the very first time - it would have been made really clear that it wasn't welcome and that I wasn't interested.

Then I would have talked about recycling bins or some such as HoppingPavlova suggested upthread.

You need to be clear because, from what you've posted, you're engaging and seem to be enjoying doing so. It's not funny and not flattering to be pursued by somebody who sounds as if he'll try it on with anybody who's willing to show him any attention at all.

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