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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit creepy!

126 replies

Doctordid · 03/02/2018 09:16

I have a neighbour who shares our hallway. 'Bob' is 73.

I rarely see Bob due to work and him being with family so don't have a close relationship at all with him. Bob is fit and active, still works part time and has family who live locally so he's not making conversation because he is lonely or such.

When I do see Bob he regular makes comments about sex. Meh I'm not a fuddy duddy but...

Gems have been

'haven't you had a man since your ex, if you haven't it is unfair. We aren't all the same, If I was with you I would just want someone to cuddle in front of the TV with and have a fumble around on the bed but sex would be good too Shock)
If I was with you then I would want to keep our own flats and I wouldn't bother you it would be good if we could still have a fumble.
And various degrees about me and him having sex and how we would maintain the relationship ...

He also texts me to say I've heard you come in come round for a coffee etc as soon as I walk through the door.

Aibu to think you don't discuss scenarios of how you would have sex with your neighbour who had shown no signs of any interest!

The kids are teens and have overheard some of this and think it is hilarious and refer to him as my boyfriend little buggers Blush

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 03/02/2018 20:48

Ewww he could be like that John (reg) Christie serial killer rapist, did anyone watch that drama about him he was terrifying, came across as a harmless old fella.
Do not assume this man is harmless, put him straight, you are not interested and he is totally out of order to speak to you like that.

StealthPolarBear · 03/02/2018 21:06

I suspect only a very small proportion of creepy men are serial killers

bobstersmum · 04/02/2018 07:40

Haha stealth I know, I was just saying we assume the older generation to be harmless, it's not always the case.

OnTheRise · 04/02/2018 09:07

To be honest OP, I'm not sure from reading your posts whether this is welcome attention or not, given that it is just 'banter' so far

I hate the excuse "it's just a bit of banter".

It's not banter. It's sexually predatory behaviour. It's making the OP uncomfortable. It's really inappropriate.

It's not bloody banter.

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2018 09:26

The older generation are just 'us' but older. As for 'us' most are lovely and then theres a small group who aren't. I don't think you get to a certain age and receive a personality transplant.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2018 09:52

OnTheRise, did the inverted commas not give you a clue then? Of course it's not banter. OP's description of what's happening though gives no indication at all of her being uncomfortable - and that's what inappropriate.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 04/02/2018 09:59

Bertrand Uninhibited sexual comments ARE a well-known symptom of dementia.

So of course people will mention it.

Man is 73...nowhere near 40.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2018 10:02

“Uninhibited sexual comments ARE a well-known symptom of dementia“

They are also a well known symptom of being a sexist arsehole. Always look for the simplest explanation first.

Butterymuffin · 04/02/2018 10:05

Next time say to him "will you pack it in with the stupid leery comments, I'm just your friend and neighbour, so I don't want to hear this.

I'd go with this response. You need to say something.

I would also be asking your kids how they'd feel if someone spoke to them in a way they didn't like and felt uncomfortable with, and then you just laughed and found it hilarious.

elisenbrunnen · 04/02/2018 10:06

Oh well that's OK then, he has (suspected) dementia.

OP you have no right to feel intimidated or disgusted by Bob, he's got (possible) dementia. He can't help it, so you have to subjugate your own feelings and boundaries, because he's got dementia. Possibly.

Just put up with it. Hmm

WTF?

That sort of post is meaningless. IF he has dementia, (or the other MN fave, SEN) he needs help. BUT - it is not your problem, and nothing to do with you if he has.

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2018 10:21

But if he has dementia telling him to stop is likely to be completely ineffective. I agree the concern is the impact on op. So I suggest she does something that might actually work.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2018 10:25

And ffs, allow older people to have agency,

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2018 10:32

Yes definitely. Start by telling him.

grannytomine · 04/02/2018 11:02

I don't think you get to a certain age and receive a personality transplant. Of course you don't have a personality transplant at a certain age but some people do have a personality at some time. They can also do their best to hide it as they often know something is going wrong so initially it isn't clear what is going on.

grannytomine · 04/02/2018 11:03

sorry should be some people do have a personality change at some time. Hopefully they always had a personality.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 04/02/2018 11:09

You don't get to a certain age and have a personality transplant. But dementia is different. When dementia takes over the real person vanishes*. It's like some 1950's B Movie horror movie.

*Just to reiterate. I have no idea whether the OP's neighbour has dementia.

brizzledrizzle · 04/02/2018 11:12

Change your mobile number.
Does he have dementia (perhaps undiagnosed) ?

Redact · 04/02/2018 11:23

It's inappropriate and I wouldn't like it either. Ha s he always been like this? As others have said it could well be dementia. Probably worth mentioning it to his son, the inappropriate conversations and the possibility of dementia as if his family have no experience of dementia that won't be their first thought. My DM over years had some bizarre behaviours that we put down to this and that and it wasn't until her neighbour whose DM also had dementia mentioned it to us that we went to the GP who referred her for tests and she was finally diagnosed with mixed dementia. Prior to that it never crossed our minds as we had no experience of dementia.

Sabaisabai1234 · 04/02/2018 11:44

The chances are that he does have dementia.

Anyone over 65 has a high probability of it.

If so, he had little or no control over what he says or does, his brain will be irreparably damaged and personality changes are a very common trait.

You should speak to his children or social services if possible.

Obviously no one should have to be subjected to this sort of unwanted attention, whatever the reason.

LemonShark · 04/02/2018 11:52

Christ can you imagine ringing the overstretched social services adult mental health team? 'Hi. Yeah my neighbour has been making sexual comments about me' 'okay... why are you telling us this?' 'Maybe he has dementia' 'do you have any other reason to think this?' 'No' 'okay, is he alone without anyone else?' 'No, he has a son' 'right... so what would you like us to do?' 'Erm...'

Nobody would care. There is no service where you call up and a social worker pops round to a man whose sole known issue is making lecherous comments to specifically his female neighbour, to instigate organising a dementia assessment!

Wonder if he's finding it difficult not to make sexual comments to his male neighbours too? Hmm

All this unsubstantiated dementia talk has totally derailed the thread away from what's important here: OP has a right to not have to hear this shit and needs to find a way to make it stop.

OP, from the advice you've received, what are you going to try?

LemonShark · 04/02/2018 11:54

I do find it telling that the focus here has moved away from how do we help a woman who is on the receiving end of sexual comments from her male neighbour (who by his very proximity makes OP more vulnerable to him as she can't really get away) to concern and focus on the potential health problems of the lecherous male neighbour. It's almost like it's more important we work out why he's acting like this then it is to work out how OP can make it stop so she feels safe and is respected in her own home. Why is that I wonder?

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 04/02/2018 11:56

Nobody has suggested that the OP should put up with the comments. But if it is dementia it's not going to be easy to stop. That's why some of us think that the OP should speak to the son (particularly as he was the one who arranged sharing phone numbers).

LemonShark · 04/02/2018 11:58

But the first step is approaching the neighbour and telling him this stops now. I appreciate people trying to problem solve future steps if that doesn't work I suppose but it's turning this into attempted internet diagnosing dementia of someone purely based on them being a lech and away from the OP.

Butterymuffin · 04/02/2018 11:59

The chances are that he does have dementia.

Anyone over 65 has a high probability of it.

Seriously, can we not have this kind of unsubstantiated crap bandied around? If this were the case much of the country would be unaccountable for their actions. As Bertrand said, stop behaving as if anyone past middle age is entirely unable to make their own choices about how to behave.

LemonShark · 04/02/2018 11:59

Unless you're suggesting speaking to the son should be a first step? If so, why would you advise that instead of approaching the neighbour? He's a grown man and to our current knowledge he is in full control of his own actions. Which makes it more sensible to approach him not his son.