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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's a bit weird to expect a guy to make the first move and pay for dinner

169 replies

Skustew · 03/02/2018 08:54

If you post memes on bookface talking about treating both genders equally?

I understand some people are a bit old school and their idea of how men should treat a woman comes from the 50s. But why can't some people see the double standards they have?

OP posts:

MrsJoshDun · 03/02/2018 18:27

Right am going to give it another week and then ask.

I dropped a massive hint last night by telling him I thought he looked really good with his new beard so I’m hoping he might process that and know I like him and ask.....so give it a week to see if he does and if not will ask him.

But then a little part of me says if he doesn’t ask me out after I gave such a massive hint then he can’t be interested!

babyccinoo · 03/02/2018 18:47

thanks for policing the thread but on the 100th post about this I think pointing out that it's hardly only women who have double standards s allowed. Personally I always split or took turns, but using women who don't as an arguement against equality whilst ignoring men's double standards is relevant and should be pointed out.

Of course it's ok to point out men's double standards. But you were berating the OP for focusing only on this issue in her thread. If anything, that is policing the thread.

AtseneGatnalp · 03/02/2018 18:55

I'd far rather have a gentleman than someone who expects you to tramp off somewhere to meet him and pay for yourself. Those are not qualities I'm attracted to so I just couldn't be bothered.

Being PC is all very well, but it's not the most passionate thing, is it?

Too right on both counts, G1itterati. I'd say being PC was about the top Turn-Off, really. I would expect the man to pay (and would happily shoulder the domestic burden while he's off earning money. I think the problems arise when partners don't really know what their roles are supposed to be, so then end up resenting one another for either not doing enough, or encroaching on some unwritten understanding of who-does-what).

Stillwishihadabs · 03/02/2018 19:00

Astene I couldn't agree less. Not letting me/ trusting me to make my own way somewhere (and therefore be able to leave and get myself home) = controlling and scary to me. Massive turn off. How old are you btw ? My grandmother born in 1914 took the bus in to town to meet my grandad. You sound like something from the 1800s.

Stillwishihadabs · 03/02/2018 19:04

Ok I'm being harsh 1910s maybe ( think Rose on titanic) which Dh and I saw for our first date and neither of us thought her fiancée was a romantic gentleman, even though he was paying for everything.

AtseneGatnalp · 03/02/2018 19:10

Stillwish: I was probably born in 1910 really, but am in fact –48– 21.

AtseneGatnalp · 03/02/2018 19:11

Strikethrough fail. I am also in the 1900s technology-wise.

Stillwishihadabs · 03/02/2018 19:19

Maybe if you are 21 that explains it. I do think equality has gone backwards in the last 10 years with women becoming more objectified. Although I am heartened by the recent speak out against sexual abuse.

Stillwishihadabs · 03/02/2018 19:19

Hadn't realised we'd gone as far back as 1910 though

g1itterati · 03/02/2018 19:22

Not 1900, it was 2000. DH didn't have that much money then probably and I was working evenings for a stint. One thing he used to do which was one of the nicest things if I remember - he used to wait for me by the stage door which was in a very dark, dingy alley, just to walk me home and sometimes we'd get a coffee. Even though he had to be in Canary Wharf for 6am. No doubt, some in here would be crying "Stalker" at that type of behaviour, but I didn't feel that way.

Stillwishihadabs · 03/02/2018 19:27

dH did similar, crossing London to meet from work. That was then and is now a lovely and romantic gesture in a relationship. As a first date ? No scary and controlling. Surely you can see the difference.

g1itterati · 03/02/2018 19:34

Yes but before online dating, you had often met the guy face to face beforehand assessed if he was likely to be mental - or maybe introduced to him through mutual friends etc, so it wasn't always like having a total stranger from the internet picking you up.

TheBrilliantMistake · 03/02/2018 19:46

I can't imagine turning up for dinner on a first date. I'd want something much more informal and probably short lived for both people's sakes!
If you hit it off, there will be other times, and if you don't, then it was only a short period of embarrassment!

I'm pretty sure I can figure out if she's marriage material by her choice of drive-thru on our first date ;-)

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 20:59

I would expect the man to pay (and would happily shoulder the domestic burden while he's off earning money

This is why I think there is a difference in opinion. Your statement genuinely makes me shudder. I'm a grown woman, I'm intelligent, I have a right and an ability to work and earning an equal substantive salary in a role I find interesting. To be educated and use that education in a role I enjoy and that is equal to any man. I taught my daughter the same.

The thought that all I would want is to be reduced to doing domestic work only whilst the man goes out and earns the money is for me like something younsaw in those old western movies.

I understand you have a right to wish to be reduced to domestic chores only and have a man pay for you. But the mere thought of it makes me shudder. And as such, some of us will pay our way, and the others want to be paid for and do domestic chores. The two shall never meet.

However I think as the generations move on, this attitude of domestic servitude as an attractive proposition for a woman is reducing.

AtseneGatnalp · 03/02/2018 21:02

stillwish Sorry - I am techno illiterate. I am really, honestly, 48. Not 21.

Stillwishihadabs · 03/02/2018 23:12

I know I was being facietious

g1itterati · 03/02/2018 23:32

Well we are just back from a "date" (i.e. making the most of a babysitter)

Bluntness - I really do understand what you're saying. But just believe me when I say I wouldn't live the life I do if I felt in any way restricted by my not earning etc. I have a masters degree and I had options and I live the life that suits me and my family. It's not "servitude", just different relationship dynamics and different priorities ultimately.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 11:05

Oh, I wasn't saying yours was servitude, you have kids. My post was specially aimed at the 48 year old who stated she wished to have a man pay for dates and then stay home and do the domestic work, clearly no kids there due to age.

When a post has an initial comment bolded then a response added under it, the response is in relation to the bold comment,

laura65988 · 07/02/2018 23:58

Blah blah blah blah blah ask out who u find attractive weather ure a man or a woman we are no longer in the 50s and ull be single forever if u think like that I'd rather ask someone out and be told no than to have never tried at all and the whole paying for the meal u judge take ure own money if he offers go halves it's only fair he probably be impressed at that to many rules about these things I'm surprised anyone asks anyone out these days of fear of being judged but never know until u try I made it known loudly and with confidence I liked my man so much so u said do I not get a kiss was shocked n not expecting it and were still together 12 year later Im in no way a slag as it took us a while to do that but he could have thought that but that's perception of someone xd

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