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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Four bedroom house. Onlyb2 bedroom and in use.

92 replies

BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:33

Hi

We have a four bedroom detached house. DS aged has his own room. Master bedroom is for dh and I. We have a spare room and a dedicated bedroom for dsd aged nearly 18 who sleeps over very occasionally (think one or two nights every two or three months). It's been a tricky dynamic for a few years. Baby dd (18 months) has been in with us on our room since birth. She isn't sleeping well and I think we wake her up.

Dsd will be going to university soon. Spare room has a double bed and is bigger than dsd room. Dsd bed can only sleep one. I have suggested dsd room for baby but dh reluctant because politically it will. Be difficult. I have suggested that on the rare occasions dsd is here to sleep she has the run of the spare room. Baby has no space of her own yet. She doesn't care (has mattress on floor in master bedroom on my side of bed) and knows no different but it seems so silly having two rooms out of action.

When i left home I wasn't gone five minutes before my dm repurposed my bedroom!

Aibu to think the small bedroom going spare can be baby's room? Prepared to be flamed but dsd is welcome in every way. We are keeping a room.for a ghost.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:33

DS age 5

OP posts:
Batmanwearspants · 03/02/2018 00:35

I think considering the circumstances there’s nothing wrong with your DSD using spare rooms whilst she visits. It’s not like you are likely to have other guests whilst she is there.

However to stop any hurt I would sit her down and talk it through with her as an adult. Just ask her if she would feel miffed if she used the spare room. That should stop any hard feelings and if the rooms bigger I’m sure she won’t mind too much.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/02/2018 00:38

I’d use the larger room for baby as her toys will take up more room.

Don’t repurpose DSD room. Unless you have guests then use it as a guest room occasionally as it will be the only unoccupied room.

Biffsboys · 03/02/2018 00:38

Why not just give the baby the spare room ? Or swap so dsd has the spare room ? It’s silly to have 2 (almost) empty rooms and worry about this .

Floralnomad · 03/02/2018 00:38

Why can’t the baby have the spare room as her bedroom .

Redglitter · 03/02/2018 00:41

How often does your spare room get used

bridgetreilly · 03/02/2018 00:41

If your DSD has stuff in her room, explain that she can still keep all that in the spare room and that it will be 'her' room whenever she needs it, but that when you have other guests they'll sleep in there.

Original poster
BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:43

I've thought of spare room as baby's room. This is very first world problem I know. We have storage issues (DH has a lot of equipment for his hobby including a £12k outbuilding!) and there's a king size bed in spare room. If baby goes in spare room then where does the bed go? DSD room is so much better suited to a baby room. She has one of those ikea day bed things in there which doesn't do 2 adults.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:47

Spare room.gets used a little more often than DSD room.

We are having some marital difficulties and basically baby only gets her own room if we split up and I move elsewhere or she goes in spare room/DSD room.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 03/02/2018 00:47

Just let her keep her stuff in the guest room.
It doesn't need to be a big deal.
When she next comes just say "We've had a little shuffle round now {baby} needs her own room - guess we'll just have to get used to not having a spare room now with the family growing" . Move on to next topic. Needn't be a drama - she is actually getting an upgraded room from what she has had.

MyNewBearTotoro · 03/02/2018 00:49

Why not make the spare room DSD’s room, so she can have all of her stuff in it and decorate it to suit her, but under the agreement that if you have guests when she’s not staying with you then they will be put in her room.

Original poster
BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:51

Oh yes. Spare tomorrow beautifully (IMHO 😁) redecorated just before Christmas!!! In fact DSD room was for the past three years the nicest room in the (dated and shitty) house having been redecorated as a priority after we moved in.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:52

DSD doesn't have much here at all.

OP posts:
SkyIsTooHigh · 03/02/2018 00:53

Ask DSD if she would like to share with guests or the baby.

lalalalyra · 03/02/2018 00:54

Why would you want to repurpose your DSD's room when you have a spare room?

You have 3 kids between you so you use the other 3 bedrooms for them.

Giving your DD your DSD's room when you have a bigger spare room is quite a statement imo.

charlestonchaplin · 03/02/2018 01:10

I knew that the solution to a simple problem could never be simple where Mumsnet and (technically adult!) stepchildren are concerned. Crack on!

RobinHumphries · 03/02/2018 01:10

I see the problem...... so if you do what everyone is suggesting then you’ll have a room that still isn’t used much as you can’t turn the current dsd’s room into the guest room as it is too small. I would keep the guest room and repurpose the dsd room (I had my bedroom repurposed as soon as I moved out for uni - didn’t mean I wasn’t welcome at home)

HerRoyalNotness · 03/02/2018 01:17

Baby had DSD room and DSD has the 'spare' room. No one can think you should set aside a room specifically for a person you only see 3-4 monthly now and even less possibly in future! Madness!!

TheHandmaidsTail · 03/02/2018 01:24

Just ask DSD which she would prefer and work from there!

GeorgeW78 · 03/02/2018 01:45

I don't know if it's practical or useful but have you considered moving DS as well? It might not seem as confrontational to her (if that's how she may take it) if you're having a complete switch around. It sounds like you're in the process of decorating the rooms anyway.
Could the big spare room be DS's, DS's current room become DSD's (& spare?), leaving DSD's current room for baby DD as you'd like?

chatwoo · 03/02/2018 01:59

This has possibly been already said in all the back and forth...

Keep the guest/spare room as the guest/spare room and also have DSD stay there when she visits. Its a guest room and she is a guest, right? Of course, if she has bits and bobs she wants to keep there, no real issue. But why keep a room empty for someone who will visit once a term? King bed stays there for her/guests.

Baby moves into what is currently DSD room complete with day bed, which might be useful to have in there anyway incase Mum wants a nap or whatever ;)

chatwoo · 03/02/2018 02:02

For what it's worth, we have a 2-bed apartment. The guest/spare room is used by guests and my DP's daughter also has some of her stuff in there for when she visits - cork board with memorobilia etc, loads of books on the shelf, some other random teenage stuff. She is probably here every 2-3 months for around 3-5 days a time.

But thisi still leaves the room available for other guests.

Ikeatears · 03/02/2018 02:04

We had a similar scenario with dsd. Fortunately, she was completely understanding about it. She realised she wasn't using her room every weekend like she had when she was a child and was happy to let her younger brother have the room. She knew that our house will always be a home for her and that we don't love her any less than her brothers but circumstances change as our children get older. Unfortunately, if your dsd isn't as understanding, I'm not sure of a happy way forward. My only advice, based on our experience, is to have an open, honest and reassuring conversation with her.

tomatosalt · 03/02/2018 02:11

What exactly do you do you mean by this:
We are having some marital difficulties and basically baby only gets her own room if we split up and I move elsewhere or she goes in spare room/DSD room.?

Your DH doesn’t want her in her own room? Confused

TheHallouminati · 03/02/2018 02:13

Makes sense for dsd to use the spare room. But for heaven's sake, whatever you do don't refer to it as the spare room when you tell her about this. Refer to it as her new bedroom. Just explain that as she's older it makes sense for her to have the larger room with the adult sized bed in it. After all she might have a serious boyfriend to bring with her when she visits in the very near future.