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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Four bedroom house. Onlyb2 bedroom and in use.

92 replies

BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:33

Hi

We have a four bedroom detached house. DS aged has his own room. Master bedroom is for dh and I. We have a spare room and a dedicated bedroom for dsd aged nearly 18 who sleeps over very occasionally (think one or two nights every two or three months). It's been a tricky dynamic for a few years. Baby dd (18 months) has been in with us on our room since birth. She isn't sleeping well and I think we wake her up.

Dsd will be going to university soon. Spare room has a double bed and is bigger than dsd room. Dsd bed can only sleep one. I have suggested dsd room for baby but dh reluctant because politically it will. Be difficult. I have suggested that on the rare occasions dsd is here to sleep she has the run of the spare room. Baby has no space of her own yet. She doesn't care (has mattress on floor in master bedroom on my side of bed) and knows no different but it seems so silly having two rooms out of action.

When i left home I wasn't gone five minutes before my dm repurposed my bedroom!

Aibu to think the small bedroom going spare can be baby's room? Prepared to be flamed but dsd is welcome in every way. We are keeping a room.for a ghost.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSevillle · 03/02/2018 11:04

If DSD has effectively moved out and doesn't have much stuff at your house it is bonkers to consider her needs at all, other than providing her with a room if and when she does stay.

Why let someone who doesn't even live there inconvenience people who use the house every day?

Knittedfairies · 03/02/2018 11:09

You may be over-thinking this. Ask your DSD what she thinks; it may not be the problem you think it is.

RandomMess · 03/02/2018 11:23

DSD May be thrilled to get the king size bed rather than claustrophobic day bed!!!

I would meet up for a cuppa and ask would she be ok about having the current guest room as her room from now on?

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/02/2018 11:23

" We are keeping a room.for a ghost."

Your 17 year old DSD is not a 'ghost'. Hmm

"Spare room has a double bed" "there's a king size bed in spare room"

Whatever size of bed there is in the spare room, sell it ... and buy a double sofa bed. (Click-clack sofa beds are great in spare room's; a moderately comfy sofa ... although often no arms; a comfy double bed; often with bedding storage space in the base).

Then with the extra space created, furnish the rest of that room as your baby's room.

When you have guests, you then have the option of baby coming in with you and guests having baby's room and if necessary DSD room.

I don't think it is unusual for children (of all ages) to kindly give up their rooms for a night or two, to accommodate guests.
Equally, I don't think it is unusual for teenagers/young adults to keep 'their' bedrooms in the family home until the end of University or into their thirties the way property prices are Grin.

If the smaller room is DSD's room, decorated for her, then she should keep that room.Give baby the bigger room (she will grow into it)!

Handsfull13 · 03/02/2018 12:46

It seems ridiculous that he is ok with putting one child first over another. Especially when one is barely using the room.
I think what your proposing is perfectly normal and sensible. If you are looking for compromises (not that I think you should) maybe the baby goes into DSD room and on the really rare occasion she wants to spend the night then Baby goes back in with you.
I'm sure having a 5yr old in your bedroom isn't helping with your marriage problems

AuntTrotwood · 03/02/2018 12:53

I think you should include DSD in the conversation and see what she would like to do. She may not in fact feel she needs her own room and would be happy with the spare. Or she might like to make the spare her own and have the king sized bed. She must know that the baby isn't going to be in with you forever so it's not a shock.

Motoko · 03/02/2018 13:01

Your 17 year old DSD is not a 'ghost'

I thought that was a typo for 'guest', though it did make me chuckle.

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/02/2018 13:46

"I thought that was a typo for 'guest', though it did make me chuckle."

Didn't think of that, Motoko. Grin

Although on reflection, given that the guest room was the room OP was keeping for guests, and this was DSD's room OP was referring to ... I don't think it was a typo!

Maybe OP will come back and tell us.

Motoko · 03/02/2018 16:15

Maybe OP will come back and tell us.

Yes, it would be good to get clarification!

Original poster
BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 19:31

Hi all
Sorry for radio silence. When I said ghost it was only meant lightheartedly...a room for someone who is barely here overnight. There is a bit of back story in as far as her mother and father had a terrible divorce (I wasn't the cause...we met after they split up) and it's been very very tricky. DH is somewhat detached as a father but he's the one saying we should wait until she goes to uni and it would cause too much angst with dsd and her mother. I can understand perceived hurt which is why I haven't pushed it either way.

Really appreciate everyone's input.

X

OP posts:
SkyIsTooHigh · 03/02/2018 20:27

I don't think you should tie it in to your DSD going to university. Especially if she's moving into halls which aren't 52 weeks of the year, It's not really like moving out into your own flat. It's complicated by the fact she's not with you often.

Go with the baby needing to move out and just ask her what she thinks. One of them has to share with guests, but conceptually you're giving up having a spare room and someone has to move out for visitors, which is absolutely normal when there are 3 kids in a 4 bed house, even when they are all living there FT.

missymayhemsmum · 03/02/2018 21:42

You're seeing this logically, seeing space and prioritising needs.

it's your dh who is having trouble with the fact that his dd is a grown woman, doesn't live with him and probably never will again. Your 'ghost' is the little girl he misses, who needs a room of her own in your home. It can be really hard when your eldest turns 18 and is moving out, especially when you have to acknowledge that their childhood is over and you missed a lot of it, almost like grieving. He isn't ready for her not to have a little girl bedroom, by the sound of it.

On the other hand your little one needs a bedroom at some point.

Talk to your dsd and suggest that at some point you make the spare room into her room (which you can put other visitors in if you need to when she isn't there) with her chosen (neutral) decor, bedding etc??

AnathemaPulsifer · 03/02/2018 21:56

Is there no way to fit the king sized bed in DD’s room? Even if it’s a bit crowded. Then day bed in the big room for the toddler and you have a spare room whenever DSD is away. A spare room/room for barely resident teen only needs room for a bed and a bag.

BellyBean · 03/02/2018 22:18

Make the spare room a guest friendly version of dsd's room that becomes hers when home?

So she's getting an upgrade

Violetrose123 · 03/02/2018 22:34

Letting baby have the small room and then having DSD sleep in the spare room is an absolute no brainer IMO.

As a teenager I had “my” room at my dad’s house. Once he moved into a new home with my stepmum, there were no designated bedrooms for me/siblings/stepsiblings - just generic guest rooms in which I would stay in when I slept over every couple of months. Not an issue for me at all - I didn’t need my own room in a house that I rarely stayed in.

As long as the guest room is readily available to DSD when she needs it, then I really don’t see what the issue is.

MexicanBob · 03/02/2018 22:50

Bay get's DSD's room. DSD uses spare room ('cos she's a guest) and if (when?) she complains your DH tells her to grow up.

MexicanBob · 03/02/2018 22:51

Baby gets ...

Motoko · 04/02/2018 00:31

Ah, so you did mean ghost. Ok.

frieda909 · 04/02/2018 09:35

I got asked to ‘give up’ my bedroom in the family home when I was 18 and away at uni. My dad remarried, so his wife and her daughter (now my stepsister) were moving in. Stepsister is younger than me and was still living at home full-time, so she got ‘my’ bedroom and I started sleeping in the much smaller spare room when I was home for the holidays etc.

My dad handled it really well, firstly by sitting me down and explaining the situation. I could see that it would be daft and unfair to insist that I got to keep a huge bedroom for myself when I was barely there. My dad then took me to IKEA and let me pick out various bits and pieces to decorate my new room with, and also let me choose what colour to paint the walls. I slightly passive-aggressively chose a totally different colour scheme to my old room so that I’d have to have completely new stuff Grin but apart from that I was fine with it and we all got on harmoniously!

Why don’t you suggest something similar to your stepdaughter? Ask if she would be willing to move into the spare room if she is allowed to do some simple redecorating in there?

Alternatively, just sell the king size bed and make the spare room your toddler’s. Never mind keeping a room for your ‘ghost’ stepdaughter, it sounds bonkers to me that you have an empty room for unspecified guests when your toddler has to share with you!

AlbertaSimmons · 04/02/2018 09:45

What are the marital difficulties that mean baby can’t have her ownroom?
Why are visitors’ needs even a factor in this? Surely you organise your house around the family first then whatever space is left over becomes the guest room Hmm. You have three children and a couple in a four bedroom house = no bedroom problem Confused.

worridmum · 04/02/2018 10:04

You do know very very few university halls are 52 weeks of the year right? So if you and her mother both make her give up her room were will she stay during the long summer holidays? be a long term "guest" like i was at my parents house basically the repurposed my room and i had to sleep on the sofa for 3 months of the year (stupidly long oxford summer breaks) As there was no way i could afford to stay in the university town over the summer without the discounted student halls rate and they all kicked you out a week after term ended and would not let you back until a week before it started.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 10:11

Is this a variation on "Box Room " ?

mummmy2017 · 05/02/2018 17:50

Ask her, if she minds swapping.

Sometimes children really surprise you.

MsHarry · 05/02/2018 17:56

Give the baby the room that is currently not being used, not the 18 yr old's room.

Isittimeforbed · 05/02/2018 18:01

Ask her if she'd mind swapping but reassure her that even if it's a joint guest room that you'll always accommodate her and check with her if you're planning guests over uni holidays so she knows she has a base. If she's not keen then ideally don't push it - give it a year or two and she may be happier and your younger daughter won't be bothered where she's sleeping in that time