Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Four bedroom house. Onlyb2 bedroom and in use.

92 replies

BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:33

We have a four bedroom detached house. DS aged has his own room. Master bedroom is for dh and I. We have a spare room and a dedicated bedroom for dsd aged nearly 18 who sleeps over very occasionally (think one or two nights every two or three months). It's been a tricky dynamic for a few years. Baby dd (18 months) has been in with us on our room since birth. She isn't sleeping well and I think we wake her up.

Dsd will be going to university soon. Spare room has a double bed and is bigger than dsd room. Dsd bed can only sleep one. I have suggested dsd room for baby but dh reluctant because politically it will. Be difficult. I have suggested that on the rare occasions dsd is here to sleep she has the run of the spare room. Baby has no space of her own yet. She doesn't care (has mattress on floor in master bedroom on my side of bed) and knows no different but it seems so silly having two rooms out of action.

When i left home I wasn't gone five minutes before my dm repurposed my bedroom!

Aibu to think the small bedroom going spare can be baby's room? Prepared to be flamed but dsd is welcome in every way. We are keeping a room.for a ghost.

OP posts:

Lashalicious · 03/02/2018 02:38

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. She’s nearly 18 and will be going to university I think you said. Talk to her about it first and see if it’s ok with her. I think what you’re suggesting sounds logical and makes sense.

MsHopey · 03/02/2018 06:53

I shared a room with at least one sibling my whole life. As soon as i moved out (18 and needed my own space) it was no longer my room, and I know I'm not really welcome back because there's still no room for me (I'm the oldest of 6 kids in a 3 bedroom house). So I think her even getting to use the spare bedroom is more than a lot of bigger families can ask for.
If speak to her and explain, if she's been brought up correctly I don't think she'd begrudge a baby and her younger sister having her own bedroom as long as she still has somewhere to stay when she visits.

Pleasebeafleabite · 03/02/2018 07:03

Just speak to dsd first don’t present it as a done deal

Keep the king bed room for a separate brdroom for your marital difficulties

RingFence · 03/02/2018 07:08

DSD doesn't live with you, rarely visits and is an adult. There's no need to keep her room. I'd make it into baby's room and put DSD's stuff in the spare room.

RadioGaGoo · 03/02/2018 07:09

I would kind of hope that at 18 years old and about to start university, she would have no issue with her younger half sibling occupying a room she uses infrequently. Some 18 year olds leave their family home at that age

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 03/02/2018 07:09

Can you frame it as an acknowledgement that she is getting older and might appreciate the opportunity to have a larger bed. You need to move baby into their own room but thought she might appreciate the double bed more than a baby. Could ds go in 'spare room' and the baby into his room?

thornyhousewife · 03/02/2018 07:17

YABU to be making a problem out of this.

If you can't manage to find sleeping space in your four bedroom detached house and '12k outbuilding', I dread to think how you'd cope if you had an actual problem.

Re your step daughter, perhaps the 'politics' are a problem because her and her dad can sense that you think she's being unreasonable for having a bedroom. How dare she..

lalaloopyhead · 03/02/2018 07:19

Surely DSD would be happy to move into the larger bedroom with a kingsize bed? I know I would!

Talk to her and see what she thinks. Now she is 18 at at Uni, even if she was your own DC I think you would be looking at the same solution.

RoobieDoobie · 03/02/2018 07:29

My mum packed all my stuff up whilst I was on holiday the summer I went to Uni. It didn't bother me giving up my room but I would have liked to pack my own stuff. I never had my own room after that. I just slept in the spare room. All this pussyfooting around. She only stays once every 2-3 months then she doesn't get a dedicated room.

diddl · 03/02/2018 07:44

Politically it will be difficult???!!

Has the 18yr old been asked at all?

errorofjudgement · 03/02/2018 08:00

It’s all anout how you present it surely?
Tell DSD that DD needs her own room but you feel it’s unfair to give her the biggest room, so as DSDs the eldest you want to offer that room to her on the condition that if she’s not at Home and you have guests then they will use that room as it’s not being used. Then DD moves to DSDs current smaller room which seems much fairer and rather lovely that she’ll be in the room her big sister used to have.

Iamdobby63 · 03/02/2018 08:03

So if I have this straight - one of his daughters has her own room and only uses it occasionally his other daughter has to sleep on a mattress on the floor.

He seems adamant that your dsd not change rooms so perhaps agree even if it doesn’t make much sense and tell him to get a skip for the king size bed and all his shit, also get him to buy an inflatable mattress to go in dsd room when you have other guests. It’s not ideal.

I do think he is being unreasonable here, it’s not like his eldest won’t have her own room in the house. Equally he is being completely unfair on his other daughter.

NinaNoSleep · 03/02/2018 08:04

Talk to your DSD. give her the choice if you find it difficult to make one. 'DSD, would you prefer room A or room B' and work from there. It will make her feel in control, not 'done to' and she is old enough to talk through the issues of who else might need to use the room at times.

AddictedtoSnickers · 03/02/2018 08:18

My brother was moving his stuff into my room as I was packing for uni. We didn't have a spare room either so my other stuff got shoved into the loft and I slept on a pull out bed at Christmas. I would have loved to have come back to a spare room with a king sized bed. Bloody hell! It's not even her main house so I really think you are making a big deal out of nothing.

AbeautifulBeast · 03/02/2018 08:39

Oh for goodness sakes.........
How terrible to have a large house and just not know where to put everyone
I dread to think how you would cope with a real problem!

Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2018 08:41

Sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread so I’m sorry if I missed anything.

Why don’t you just talk to dsd and see what she wants to do? Chances are getting a bigger bed will win her over. I can see why it would be easier not to have to move a double bed. Your lucky to have 4 bed house as most kids have to share, you have the room for each child to have their own room, I think your dh is stressing over dsd when she’s probably not going to be that bothered where she sleeps when she comes over, she will still have her own room and with a bigger bed.

GabriellaMontez · 03/02/2018 10:17

Where does your dh think everyone should sleep?

Didactylos · 03/02/2018 10:27

Would you have space to put DD baby into the spare room as 'her room' but also keep the kingsized bed in there? then if you have guests you move in with DD and sleep there, putting your guests in your usual bedroom.
We have a lot of family from abroad staying and this is the best solution we have found: also means we always have a place in her room to lie and read her stories or one of us will go and stay with her if she is ill or disturbed in the night.

Do think you might need to discuss with DSD though, to change the use of her room over time, but perhaps this as a halfway house allows you more time to do so.

honeylulu · 03/02/2018 10:32

Ask DSD what she'd prefer. She might fancy moving rooms ... or not. Don't rule out all the kids rotating rooms either. Your son might fancy a change too.

You don't have to get rid of the king size bed even if son or baby has that room. Our youngest went into our former spare room. We initially just added her cot. Once she was big enough for a bed she just went into the double - much less likely to fall out as she tended not to get near the edge.

Ours have now swapped rooms so our teen has the double and it's a bit of a pain when little one is ill as one of us just used to sleep with her in the double, which we can't do any more!

HolidayHelpPlease · 03/02/2018 10:44

I know your baby is getting older but I would wait until September and she’s actually gotten into uni (unless she’s holding an unconditional offer) - loosing her room could be more salt in the wound if A levels don’t pan out as planned!

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2018 10:48

Maybe DSD will prefer having the bigger bed - especially if she acquires a boyfriend at uni!

CurlyBlueberry · 03/02/2018 10:51

I think errorofjudgement has put it well.

But as something to think about, why can't DD have the king bed with bed guards? Both mine have slept in doubles as small toddlers - much easier to just hop in with them when they're ill etc and if you get adult guests round the little one can just come back in with you for the couple of nights (or she could sleep in DSDs room if she's not there).

frogsoup · 03/02/2018 10:53

Seriously, even if she did stay for more than a few nights every few months, she's 18 and about to leave home. Ergo she doesn't get her own room any more. My parents moved house when I was 18 and did I get 'my' room in their new house? Did I hell! When I went home in uni holidays I slept in what was then, and is still, the spare room.

AnachronisticCorpse · 03/02/2018 10:58

This is all a bit backwards, innit.

You have a spare room for guests, a dedicated bedroom for an adult child who visits every few months and no bedroom for the toddler.

Such a non problem. DSD is a guest, sleeps in the guest room. Toddler has a bedroom.

I think this is clouded by her being your stepchild. If this was your adult daughter who lived elsewhere and visited occasionally, I bet you’d have no problem with her using the guest room. I haven’t had a bedroom at my parents house since I was 16.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2018 10:59

I was going to say the same as Thehallouminati. I would definitely talk to your dsd. Explain your baby also needs a room now. Would she be ok now that’s she’s older to take the bigger room as her bedroom now? It would mean sharing with guests from time to time but you think that’s perhaps fairer to her especially as she may wish to bring a partner with her to stay in the future. If she doesn’t agree, you’ll leave the set up as is and baby dd will get the big room and share with guests. You’re just giving her first option. If she chooses to move, help her to physically move he stuff so that she feels involved.

Flip

1 2 3 4