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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Four bedroom house. Onlyb2 bedroom and in use.

92 replies

BeagleBurger · 03/02/2018 00:33

We have a four bedroom detached house. DS aged has his own room. Master bedroom is for dh and I. We have a spare room and a dedicated bedroom for dsd aged nearly 18 who sleeps over very occasionally (think one or two nights every two or three months). It's been a tricky dynamic for a few years. Baby dd (18 months) has been in with us on our room since birth. She isn't sleeping well and I think we wake her up.

Dsd will be going to university soon. Spare room has a double bed and is bigger than dsd room. Dsd bed can only sleep one. I have suggested dsd room for baby but dh reluctant because politically it will. Be difficult. I have suggested that on the rare occasions dsd is here to sleep she has the run of the spare room. Baby has no space of her own yet. She doesn't care (has mattress on floor in master bedroom on my side of bed) and knows no different but it seems so silly having two rooms out of action.

When i left home I wasn't gone five minutes before my dm repurposed my bedroom!

Aibu to think the small bedroom going spare can be baby's room? Prepared to be flamed but dsd is welcome in every way. We are keeping a room.for a ghost.

OP posts:

KerrytheBerry · 05/02/2018 18:02

Tell dsd what is happening and then make the room a bedroom for the child that lives there permanently. I have a similar situation so understand it’s hard to navigate but it’s your home so your choice. Dsd is welcome and she still has a space, just not a permanent one (which she chooses for it not to be also). Enjoy redecorating

Lindsxxx · 05/02/2018 18:03

OP we did exactly that with my son - he was absolutely fine about it.
At the end of the day you have to attend to those who live there full time first and foremost - I understand that may put an existing child’s nose out of joint but they’ll get over it 😂

NailsNeedDoing · 05/02/2018 18:05

It's nice for your dsd to keep her room as her own until after she's finished her a levels and is off to university, so I can fully understand where your dh is coming from on this. I'd feel mean making my dc who is also off to university this year change rooms at the moment. Just let it happen naturally at the right time, this isn't it for her but it will be soon.

After that, make the spare room dads room so that you can have the room you want for the baby. Your dh will have to help with all the storage issues and make it into a nice room primarily as dsds, but also as a room that can be used for other guests.

I get that you want your dsds room for the baby now, and I think one of the hardest parts about parenting is when your children have opposite needs at the same time, but it is what it is and it really won't do any harm to your baby to wait. Your dh is telling you that it will cause a problem if you don't, and you need to listen.

MotherofTerriers · 05/02/2018 18:11

I suspect the king sized bed will be an attractive option for an 18year old who may well want a boyfriend to stay before too long
You could possibly offer that if guests come they stay in your room and you move into 18 year olds for the night. Remove any issue she may have with "strangers" staying in her room
One of my "children" had 3 x 8 week terms at uni, the other 2 x 11 week semesters. Some university accommodation is 52 weeks a year, but much isn't - she may need a base with you for longer than you think

GetOutOfMYGarden · 05/02/2018 18:19

Ask DSD if she fancies a king sized bed and letting the baby have the smaller room. I imagine she'll say yes.

carefreeeee · 05/02/2018 18:27

For goodness sake just discuss it with her. I also don't see why the marital issues prevent the baby having her own room. Surely you and your husband having some privacy would help the marital issues?

Emmageddon · 05/02/2018 18:29

Why can't you change the use of the guest bedroom to the baby's room, and as someone else suggested, stick a bed settee in there for when you do have overnight guests - baby can sleep with you/in DSD's room when that happens.

Get rid of the kingsize bed in the guest bedroom, freecycle it/ask BHF to come and collect, or if you need to money, sell it.

Ellyess · 05/02/2018 19:02

I'd give baby the spare, larger, room. She'll have toys and later will play there. When you need to put up guests, explain to her that she will have to let Aunty ? and Uncle ? use her room for the weekend or whatever and get her to help fix it up - make it like a special honour that they will use her room. You could have one of those beds with a slide out guest bed underneath. Great for when other children come to stay too! I would leave DSD as she is even though it's a bit niggling to have a room idle. The circumstances probably mean it's best not to upset her. Her dad having a little baby when she's at uni might make her feel a bit like she's rather pushed out, so don't rock the boat! (Sorry about metaphors; pushed out - boat!) It's possible that having her own room at your house is something she likes to know is there, and very important to her even though she rarely gets round to coming to you.

proudbrows · 05/02/2018 19:07

Can’t you just say to dsd, we’ve decided to give you the bigger room?! How can anyone kick off about being upgraded?!

proudbrows · 05/02/2018 19:08

Or, just put the baby in the room you have spare, you have a spare room and a person that needs a room so.....

user1476641978 · 05/02/2018 20:20

I was a stepchild so I get it but I really don’t think it’s a big deal at all. She is 18 and barely stays there so she can have the spare room when needed and Baby can have the smaller room. Like you said you can’t move the king into the smaller room anyway. If she takes issue then she’s being ridiculous.

Ellyess · 05/02/2018 21:17

I still think that your DSD does need the security of that room for the time-being. btw Ignore people's sarcasm about size of yr house it's irrelevant, family problems and people's feelings are important. I may have misunderstood the need for storage space concerning the guest room with the king bed. It seems a pity your baby can't have at least a corner of the room. By the time your dad has been at Uni a year or so you could probably approach her about offering her room to her baby sister, and using guest room and dbl bed when she comes to stay. Give her a wardrobe and ch of drawers... By the way does she show any interest in her little sister? That could be a nice relationship one day. I do hope this and other things resolve easily for you soon, good luck with everything.

Ellyess · 05/02/2018 21:19

OH NO! spell corrector has made "your DSD" into "your dad"!! Hope it made you laugh!

kateandme · 05/02/2018 21:47

talk it through with her like an adult and like a much loved prt of the family.explain the logistics like you have on her but also back that up straight away with the need for her to know this is still her home you've just to to re work things.at least for now whilst she goes to uni.
tell her youll make sure we all no when guest might come and her at the same time so you can make sure all are comfortable.
step child or not that can often feel worse for not having a base so it is still as important for her to no she has a home with dad.

Ineke · 06/02/2018 02:03

Baby won't be baby for long. Give her the bigger spare room. . In my experience girls can easily fill out bigger rooms with all their stuff. The smaller room could still remain your dsd room for when she visits occasionally. Change the King size bed to a double. Get another shed for your husbands hobby stuff. If you don't do it this way you will have to change rooms twice evetually and it makes much more sense to use the bigger of the rooms as a bedroom and the little room for when your dsd visits which as she gets older will become less frequent probably. Unless of course you have a boomerang scenario which is quite common in these times of high rents. Good luck!

CaledonianQueen · 06/02/2018 02:28

I can foresee a very put out stepdaughter if she gets home to find her little sister has been given the bigger room. I wonder if your DH is more concerned that a king size bed will mean his daughter thinks she can bring bf home?

Can you offer sd the bigger room, offer to do it up with a vanity unit, a mirror for make-up etc. Tell her that now she is a woman and moving out to go to Uni, it's only right that she has the bigger room so that when she is ready to, she can bring her bf/ partner home to visit. Buy curtains and bedding of her choice and ask her to help you decorate your younger daughters bedroom.

Alternatively, you ask sd what room she would prefer, either her current smaller room or the bigger bedroom. If she chooses to stay in her smaller room then tell her that means her little sister will need to go into the bigger room and you wanted to check that was ok as you don't want her thinking you prefer little dd because she has been given the bigger room.

Don't mention spare room AT ALL, you could buy an air bed that guests could sleep on downstairs or dd and ds sleep with you and guests get their beds (which was my go-to plan when my two were little)

Doremisofarsogood · 06/02/2018 16:25

Haven't read the full thread but we swapped over DSS and DD's rooms last year so they were 14 and 3 respectively - DSS stopped mid week visits so was only EOW whilst DD was wanting to play in her room more, he had the much bigger room which was unused for 2 weeks at a time. He also stopped playing with toys and only wanted an Xbox, so the smaller room was perfect for him. We told him about it, bought him a big tv and xbox one that christmas to soften the blow but he was old enough to understand. Surely and 18 year old will also understand that priority has to be given to the child who lives there, and that she is not being kicked out, she still has a room just a different room?

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