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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter and BO

102 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 19:06

DSD doesn't live with us full time, she is with us EOW and a couple of days in the week. At 14 she's totally into her make up and is rather good at it, I wish I had her skill. She wears a lot but not worried as I think this is perfectly normal at her age. What does worry me is that she always smells of BO when she turns up at our house. She obviously thinks her appearance is important as her hair is immaculate and so is her make up but she clearly hasn't showered recently. We often go straight out for dinner when they arrive on the Friday but I'm finding reason to cancel this as she's smelly! I don't have the best, most communicative relationship with her and her dad will tell her to shower when she gets here, but why doesn't she know to do this anyway? She must be able to smell it?

OP posts:

rogermooresfifthwife · 02/02/2018 20:14

I used to have awful problems at that age even though I showered every day and washed my clothes every night - it must have been hormonal but I just sweated a lot and I was desperate about it. I eventually discovered a special deodorant - I forget what it's called but you put it on at night and wash it off in the morning - driclor maybe? It changed my life but how I wish someone had helped me earlier and suggested this. I grew out of it by late teens but those few years were hellish. I would really speak to her and see, I would lay bets she does know about it but is having trouble managing it.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 02/02/2018 20:14

Actually she might not be able to smell it, I had quite a bad BO problem as a teenager and I don't know if I was used to the smell or what but I genuinely didn't know til a teacher talked to me about it. It might be worth mentioning to her that body spray isn't the same as anti-antiperspirant/deodorant, because no one had told me that.

Tidy2018 · 02/02/2018 20:14

Is she like this throughout the week, or doing it just to annoy you?

lurkingnotlurking · 02/02/2018 20:15

To maybe put my comments in context... Uh... When I was 14 I had bacterial vaginosis. I only found out the term for it years later from a canesten advert on TV. My mum used to make comments about how I smelled and how I was always washing... I was very aware of how I smelled and so were all of my (thankfully kind) friends. I knew what they were all thinking. I didn't know how to change it. I was going through puberty and working everything out for myself... I used to try talcum in my underwear or spraying excessive amounts of perfume or body spray. I should have been taken to the Dr... But my mum didn't. Her hygiene is not so great even now. Don't judge your dsd - help her.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 20:17

@Tidy2018 - slightly odd comment. I don't think she's doing it to annoy me at all. I doubt she even thinks that much of me.

OP posts:

SweetMoon · 02/02/2018 20:19

It's very common for teens to smell as they hit puberty. Their hormones go into overdrive. One of mine had a real problem with it even though she showered every day. It's much better now her hormones are settling down but a lot of the time it isn't down to hygiene it's simply teenage hormones. Only thing you can do is make sure she showers everyday, uses a good deodorant and has a clean shirt each day for school. Some weeks I was washing my dds blazer every night.

Blahdeblah123 · 02/02/2018 20:19

So, I have this with my beautiful DD. Perfect make up but the BO at times is awful. She will wash, but forget to put deodorant on. Or she will use bloody body spray which she thinks is the same. I've explained that putting deodorant over BO doesn't work either. I'm sure she will grow out of it but you have my sympathy. Teenagers are strange - I'm sure I wasn't like this

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/02/2018 20:20

Lurking makes a good point. Tread carefully. I'd be surprised if some of her peers hadn't already mentioned it or teased her already if it's as bad as you describe?

Is there a reason she doesn't like your shower? If she's spent a long time doing her hair and make up it might be that she doesn't want it all washed off and soaking wet hair?
Offer her a bath instead?

Amilliondreams · 02/02/2018 20:20

Everyone is a bit sweaty at the end of a day. Add into that puberty, hormones, maybe a two day old shirt and not entirely spotless hygiene, she is going to smell. It's not very pleasant but completely normal.

Amilliondreams · 02/02/2018 20:21

Cross posts there with others saying the same!

Atticusss · 02/02/2018 20:30

Dad definitely needs to talk to her and definitely needs to be the one picking up the used sanpro from her floor. Why are you doing that job if your relationship with her isn't good?! I've actually heard this mentioned tonnes of times on Mumsnet and online generally before-parents complaint about their teens leaving used pads etc lying around. I was so shocked because I would be mortified if anyone even saw mine in the bin at that age never mind lying around. But I'm glad I am prepared now and know to expect it shortly with my own dd. She is totally the sort that would do that.

Another option for when dad isn't home is to run her a bath ready for when she arrives. Would be rude of her to refuse to get in when you've gone to the effort of doing that and she can't use her make up as an excuse...

lolaflores · 02/02/2018 20:34

God bless and keep my DD2 but she stinks like a brickie on a Friday night in June. Her room is rank, her clothes, her hair...
Anyway. I decided I couldnt put too fine a point on it and tell her. Straight down the line. Get in the shower, your pits smell.
That is my own kid and I appreciate your situation is far more delicate. But I do think it is her age.
Someone on another BO thread (it is a common theme, you are not alone) suggested Dettol laundry detergent which kills the bacteria which can be left in clothes after washing. The bacteria is half the problem with the sweat as it creates the stench not the actual sweat itself.
Now I can't say it is problem totally solved but her school shirts are now doused in the stuff and it keeps some of the smell down in the week.
My other point is that teenagers are lazy bloody sods and allergic to water. It is a real battle.
Mine also throws her used STs round and i have had to have a very clear conversation about who should be cleanign them up. But it is not you love and her Dad has to speak to her, even if he feels uncomfortable.

Atticusss · 02/02/2018 20:35

Just to add, my dd has no sense of smell. None at all. I am able to tell her that her breath stinks and to brush her teeth and she is never offended so I'm hoping it will be the same with BO and she'll trust me and shower! But bare in mind that lots of people have a weaker sense of smell or can't smell at all so may be genuinely unaware.

Pfftkids · 02/02/2018 20:36

Driclor is a wonder product. I used it when I was young to stop excess sweating. It completely solved the problem of sweat patches for me. I would get some for her to try

lilabet2 · 02/02/2018 20:47

Maybe put together a little basket of smellies, soaps and antiperspirant deodorant. Apparently roll-ons are much more effective than sprays (it was on an episode of 'Trust me, I'm a doctor' I think) and soap is preferable to shower gel.

Someone suggested that she could have a bath when she gets in instead, then she doesn't have to redo hair and make-up. Maybe she could leave a couple of tops/tshirts at your house so that you can wash them on 40 with biological detergent and ensure that they're not smelly too.

It's probably better if her Dad talks about it to her rather than you because she might see it as a rejection of her, if you don't like her smell (which is btw totally reasonable and I would be worried about it too!).

lilabet2 · 02/02/2018 20:48

^ I meant 'it's totally reasonable' that you are concerned about the smell!

GlitterNails · 02/02/2018 22:21

I used to use a deodorant spray and would respray about six times a day. I then used a roll-on (Sure Maximum Protection Clean Scent anti-Perspirant) and it's brilliant. I feel way more confident and only need to put it on the morning. Worth getting some for her?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2018 06:20

I don’t think Tidys question of leaving the Sanpro around is to annoy you is strange. She could be doing it subconsciously being stuck in the world of Disney dad, seemingly uncaring mum (?) and a stepmother she doesn’t seem to want to be around.

Who’s looking after her emotional needs? Is she happy? She doesn’t sound it. She sounds angry. I know a lot of teens are angry. Leaving Sanpro around may be a way of expressing this. And maybe not.

How much of the general lack of hygiene is navel gazing and how much is a young woman crying out for boundaries but not knowing how to express herself? Idk. Perhaps it is all the former but if you don’t consider the latter, you may only be looking at half the picture.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 03/02/2018 07:05

That could be true @mummyoflittledragon but her emotional needs need to be met by her mother and father. I have tried over several years to build common ground and bond with her but have always faced hostility and occasionally rudeness. We now have a silent understanding, I don't bother her and likewise. Of course I take care of the vast majority if looking after her when she's here, cooking, washing clothes, etc but for her emotional needs she goes to her parents.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2018 07:15

I totally understand that is her parents role. I don’t understand why your oh is being Disney dad when they share parental responsibility. He should be insisting she respects you. You sound as if you’re totally exhausted by the whole thing.

SabineUndine · 03/02/2018 07:18

I wonder if they are, in fact, meeting her emotional needs. She’s not a child any more. Does her father realise that?

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 03/02/2018 07:31

Her dad loves her and wants their limited time to be without argument (as any parent understands). This isn't always possible and basic teaching of manners and the way to behave gets pushed aside in favour of making sure the boat isn't rocked. It is complete nonsense but years of battling against this have left me simply going with it otherwise we end up rowing and I'm always the bad guy.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2018 08:39

That sounds rubbish for you. He’s teaching her the exact opposite of what she needs to know to grow into a self reliant adult. She is likely to really struggle in the real world as no one is going to accept this kind of behaviour. And if this happens, she will quite possibly blame her parents. Rightly so imo.

TeeniefaeTroon · 03/02/2018 09:13

I'd also suggest driclor, fab stuff. I used to get sweat patches on my clothes but this stopped it, I didn't have BO though. The only problem with it is that I'd have to let it dry in for a couple of minutes before putting my pyjamas on as it bleached the arm pits.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 03/02/2018 09:39

I couldn't agree more @mummyof . Her social skills are already lacking and with little discipline or at least being told some of her behaviours are not great it's only going to get worse

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