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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and BO

102 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 19:06

DSD doesn't live with us full time, she is with us EOW and a couple of days in the week. At 14 she's totally into her make up and is rather good at it, I wish I had her skill. She wears a lot but not worried as I think this is perfectly normal at her age. What does worry me is that she always smells of BO when she turns up at our house. She obviously thinks her appearance is important as her hair is immaculate and so is her make up but she clearly hasn't showered recently. We often go straight out for dinner when they arrive on the Friday but I'm finding reason to cancel this as she's smelly! I don't have the best, most communicative relationship with her and her dad will tell her to shower when she gets here, but why doesn't she know to do this anyway? She must be able to smell it?

OP posts:
SweetChickadee · 02/02/2018 19:50

So when he tells her to shower does she never ask why? That's his chance to tell her.

summerdreamz · 02/02/2018 19:51

I would make that comment whatever you were, mum, dad, stepmum, queen of England. Instead of telling Mumsnet that she stinks actually bother to have the conversation with her is all I'm saying OP 👍🏼☺️

Amilliondreams · 02/02/2018 19:51

I think you need to say directly and openly, you need to shower every day. Also tell her exactly what to do with her sanitary products. Maybe she is embarrassed or unsure at your home.

My dd same age will shower or bath but not wash her armpits thoroughly so will already smell when she applies deodorant. Or she will even put deodorant on without washing thinking that will do instead of a wash Confused. I think it's normal to have to nag and supervise a lot of teens re hygiene.

Helllllooooooo · 02/02/2018 19:52

“Telling the world of MN”... it’s anon Hmm
Lots of us talk about things because it is anonymous, and obviously this SM needs advise.
Better to discuss it on here than to people that know this girl and can snigger behind her back.
It’s BO not a diagnosis of some STD

Lovemusic33 · 02/02/2018 19:52

I’m sure her mum does care but it’s not easy forcing a 14 year old to wash and wear deodorant. All you can do is supply her with what she needs and try and remind her.

To all thoughts saying ‘phone the school nurse’ ,have you ever been in a class of 14 year olds? A lot of them have BO, others will spray a whole can of deodorant on themselves instead of showering, it’s pretty normal. Teens can be lazy and forgetful.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 19:54

@summerdreamz - she has a perfectly good mother and father and she wouldn't thank me for butting in. I'm not assuming her mother doesn't care about her hygiene - but clearly she's not bothered if she's sending her here stinking of BO!

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/02/2018 19:55

The sanpro issue can be resolved by just mentioning it to her in passing Please put your pads in the bin here- don't leave them on the floor. Just be direct about it.

Strong BO is usually caused by stale sweat on clothes. Usually because they're not washed enough. Perhaps she doesn't have many clothes. Could you offer to treat her to a few new tops?

No need to cancel going out to dinner though! It can't be that bad. I don't see why her dad or you can't tactfully bring it up. Eg' "phew you smell a bit sweaty! Do you want to have a shower or put some deoderant on? It must be hot at school you poor thing".

Most teenage girls are sensitive and self conscious so bringing it up once should be enough to draw her attention to it.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 19:56

Thanks for all the comments. Helpful to get opinions. I thought it would be pretty normal for teenagers to need a bit of guidance.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 02/02/2018 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Urubu · 02/02/2018 19:59

Ask dad to pick up the used sanpro, this migjt encourage him to insist she uses the bin...

voddiekeepsmesane · 02/02/2018 20:00

DS(13) had a BO problem for a while 6 months ago it took several months for him to get the fact that deodorant was needed at least twice a day ( morning and evening after shower) and he showers every day! As a SM to a now 23 year old boy I know the pitfalls of trying to deal with BO when either they won't/don't listen to you and you feel it really has to be DPs domain. But they do eventually get through it DSS is the height of lovely smelling now :)

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 20:00

Thanks Pengggwn. I don't want her to feel like shit, or myself for that matter. Her dad should be having the conversation, but that's a whole other story.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 02/02/2018 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeckyPeck · 02/02/2018 20:02

I have to say, I don't think someone with a poor relationship with a teenager should be saying "You smell" to her. That's something that should come from someone she trusts, or she's going to feel like shit.

Her dad needs to sit her down, be kind but firm, make it clear she needs to be showering daily at her age and that leaving used sanitary towels or tampons out to be cleared up by someone else is unacceptable. I really don't see why the OP needs to put her already shaky bond with her SDD further in the firing line by doing the job of her dad.

I agree with this.

becotide · 02/02/2018 20:03

Her dad needs to do this.

My step son is a chronic soa dodger. I have to tell him outright to shower and change his clothes or I'm cutting of the electric to his room.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/02/2018 20:04

I agree too. The dad's attitude stinks! She needs some parental guidance here.

MetallicBeige · 02/02/2018 20:06

School nurses are unfortunately snowed under with safeguarding cases, they might manage an annual puberty talk but that’s about it.

If she was embarassed about her sanitary protection surely she wouldn’t leave it lying around? When I was a teen on sleepovers etc., I can remember wrapping pads up in loo roll and hiding them in the bottom of my bag until I got home to dispose of them.

Her dad needs to have a chat, he can’t be Disney about this, he’s setting her up to be picked on if he doesn’t do anything. Rather him telling her in a gentle and kind manner, than one of her peers being blunt, kids can be cruel.

LemonShark · 02/02/2018 20:06

Honestly I think this doesn't need overthinking, the more you sit her down for a proper conversation about it the more embarrassed she'll feel. Treat it light heartedly and she'll follow suit. Next time she arrives and smells you or her dad should just say 'phew, was it hot at school today? Jump in the shower then we'll go out. There's some deodorant in the bathroom cupboard'. Ideally her dad, but if he won't you must! Most people who smell appreciate being told.

If that doesn't solve it you can have a proper sit down discussion with her where you tell her that while she's at your house you'd like her to wash daily and use deodorant, but it won't come as such a shock as it would if that was your first time raising it.

It's better to just point it out imo. Even a 'whew, you pong!' comment if you have that kind of relationship. Yes, try deal with this tactfully. But the most important thing is that you tackle it as you're right, others will be noticing too.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 20:06

I totally agree. Dad needs to tell her and he does when she's here. What happens on the other days when she's not though?

OP posts:
MetallicBeige · 02/02/2018 20:07

Sorry, cross posted with nearly everyone there. Slow typist. 😆

LemonShark · 02/02/2018 20:07

Then it's out of your hands. Make this about how she smells when she's at your house, I think that's acceptable. You can't control how she is when she's not with you, so don't even try. Maybe your comments will inspire her to wash more thoroughly on other days but your sole concern is not having to smell her BO!

JockTamsonsBairns · 02/02/2018 20:08

I spent literally years at my tethers end with my teen DD regarding personal hygiene. It's not just a simple case of popping to Boots and buying a few bits believe me! I tried every single approach I could think of - nagging, cajoling, sitting down for a sincere chat, taking her out shopping and for lunch, etc etc - all to no avail. Interestingly, I had very few other problems with her, she had lots of friends, varied interests, decent grades, a part time job. But absolutely nothing at all solved the BO issue. You do have my sympathies OP, but don't be too quick to assume that her mum isn't doing what she can to address it. I ended up just doing a schedule of damage limitation - hot washing clothes with a cupful of soda crystals, and definitely Mitchum deodorant.
My DD is nearly 20 now, and has been away at uni for two years. I meet up with her for lunch from time to time, and there's not as much as a feint whiff - thankfully! But, I'm well aware that she might just be freshly showered because she knows what I'll be like if she isn't! Smile

lurkingnotlurking · 02/02/2018 20:08

At 14, she is just beginning to understand about the changes in her body and what they mean for how she takes care of herself. She might not realise the effect that synthetic fabrics have, might benefit from a really good antiperspirant (you can get one that stops perspiration entirely, but Mitcham is excellent). Why not speak to her? She's just a person and might benefit from your gentle advice. Perhaps her mother shouldn't be ignoring it and perhaps you shouldn't either

Chaosofcalm · 02/02/2018 20:08

When I was a teenager I had a friend who used body spray instead of, rather than with deodorant as she did not know the difference. Could this be the problem?

Rudgie47 · 02/02/2018 20:13

Her Dad shoud be cleaning up her used sanitary products not you.
If he wont tell her straight then you just need to do it yourself. Everyone sweats and everyone has smelled at some point in their lives.I'd just tell her but be nice about it and get some decent deodorants and body washes. I think the sure stick is better than Mitchum myself.www.wilko.com/deodorants-and-body-sprays/sure-women-maximum-protection-anti-perspirant-everyday-fresh-45ml/invt/0278398