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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter and BO

102 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 19:06

DSD doesn't live with us full time, she is with us EOW and a couple of days in the week. At 14 she's totally into her make up and is rather good at it, I wish I had her skill. She wears a lot but not worried as I think this is perfectly normal at her age. What does worry me is that she always smells of BO when she turns up at our house. She obviously thinks her appearance is important as her hair is immaculate and so is her make up but she clearly hasn't showered recently. We often go straight out for dinner when they arrive on the Friday but I'm finding reason to cancel this as she's smelly! I don't have the best, most communicative relationship with her and her dad will tell her to shower when she gets here, but why doesn't she know to do this anyway? She must be able to smell it?

OP posts:

DearMrDilkington · 02/02/2018 19:40

Oh bless her, couldn't her dad sit her down and have a chat?

Wallywobbles · 02/02/2018 19:41

All DCs and DSCs are told they smell if they do. Just says it's unacceptable. It's really not something to pussyfoot about and around. Do it quickly as soon as she arrives. And be consistent about.

You have BO. Do you not have any deodorant? Right I've put three in your room one to use here, one for your school bag and one for your mums. Please go and wash your armpits and put on deodorant and a clean shirt if you want to come out with us.

Don't make a song and dance out of it.

I live in France and have had hideous experiences of students stinking out classrooms before 9am and the first class.

monkeysox · 02/02/2018 19:41

You need to chat about sanitary stuff too

DearMrDilkington · 02/02/2018 19:41

What's a strange way to dispose of sanitary products? I thought most teenagers just chucked them in the bin?

Vibe2018 · 02/02/2018 19:41

She's only 14 - many of them are a bit lazy. She also might think she washes enough.

Someone needs to talk to her - as the others in achool will definitely notice and some are likely to be mean about it.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 19:42

Yes he could but I doubt he will! He'll tell her she needs a shower but won't go any further than that. He's a bit Disney and wants all her time here to be sunshine and roses.

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 02/02/2018 19:42

Does she wear a blazer?

One of my girls started to smell even though she showered and used deodorant every morning.
We worked out it was the blazer lining. We had to cut the lining out of it and she was fine after that.

I have a suit jacket that does it to me as well

Blackteadrinker77 · 02/02/2018 19:43

Quick rub of baby wipes, deodorant and a clean top before you go out will help.

Wallywobbles · 02/02/2018 19:43

Yup. You need an "in this house STs and tampax go in the bin in a bag or whatever". She just needs to know what your rules and boundaries are.

Quartz2208 · 02/02/2018 19:43

rather than being so judgemental about it (I sense you are a twice a day shower person) talk to her.

Explain a decent deodrant etc - she probably has not realised

mishfish · 02/02/2018 19:43

Has your DP told her to shower because she smells or does it sound like he’s just trying to get her to shower?

I think someone needs to spell it out to her tactfully.

I third the Mitchum it’s the only one that stops me honking

DearMrDilkington · 02/02/2018 19:44

Has she got any older siblings or aunts she's close to?

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 19:44

She leaves her sanpro lying around in her room!! I've asked her dad to have a word, I've left a covered bin, bin liners, a basket of different products and a selection of sanitary towels in her room and still no joy.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 02/02/2018 19:45

My 14 year old smells but isn’t bothered about her appearance and often refuses to wash, I have had to go in her room and ask her to put on deodorant (she’s not bothered if I tell her she smells).

I think all you can do is suggest she showers before you go out to eat and maybe buy her some nice deodorant. My dd always smells when she gets home from school, I wouldn’t take her out until she has showered/bathed.

FrogMog · 02/02/2018 19:46

Can you get her dad to contact her school and ask to speak to the school nurse? More than likely they can arrange a general session on hygiene or have a discreet word. Horrible to be told you smell but better hearing it so you can do something about it... and better coming from an somewhat irrelevant outsider like the school nurse than a friend or your step mum.

summerdreamz · 02/02/2018 19:46

Poor girl I wonder if she knows her SM is telling the world of MN that she stinks.
Maybe try actually speaking to her, buying her some new bits for boots to help etc. You've said that she probably only showers once every two days, in the world of 14 year olds this is probably very very normal! It doesn't sound like she has poor hygiene to me. As for the sanitary towel comments, how on earth does she expose of them other than putting them in a bin? I think you're being very mean and no wonder your communication with her isn't very good.

Lovemusic33 · 02/02/2018 19:47

I think it’s pretty normal behaviour for a 14 year old.

My dd doesn’t leave san products (used) lying around though, we have a bin in the bathroom but I have to empty it as she refuses too. I would have been mortified at that age if my parents saw my used san products.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 19:47

Quartz I am possibly being judgemental but with good reason. BO isn't nice to be around and I've been disposing of used sanitary towels for a year now and it doesn't get any nicer. I'm a stepmum and these situations can be a bloody minefield, she barely speaks to me.

OP posts:

Crunched · 02/02/2018 19:47

He's a bit Disney and wants all her time here to be sunshine and roses

Well, it won't be Disney Dad if the evil stepmother steps in with embarrassing comments. Don't let yourself be the baddy in this. He says something or you put up with it.

Quartz2208 · 02/02/2018 19:47

Why dont you talk to her, it seems rather than not having the best communicative relationship with her you dont have any

DearMrDilkington · 02/02/2018 19:48

dreams it seems like op is the only one concerned about the "poor" girl.

Helllllooooooo · 02/02/2018 19:49

A lot of women and girls are all about the makeup and neglect elsewhere.
I would take her out for a girls day (coffee and cake) take her to superdrug etc and get her a few bits. When you get back speak to her etc. If it’s her armpits then get her to pick a flannel and shower gel and suggest she uses it next time she is round. I’d also get her stuff for Home.

Original poster

Boxingdaydisappoints · 02/02/2018 19:49

@summerdreamz read my comments please before posting. As for telling the whole of MN if I wasn't a SM you wouldn't be making that comment.

OP posts:

umizoomi · 02/02/2018 19:49

She leaves used sanitary products lying around her room for you to clear up?

That's grim

summerdreamz · 02/02/2018 19:49

I doubt it. She has said herself that she bearly speaks to her so how does she know if the girls mum hasn't already had all of these conversations with her? All she's done is assume that her mum doesn't care about her daughters hygiene

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