To think friends aren't worth the aggro

[poobag]

This is something that bothers me literally every day of my life. I don't have any friends.
I make friends easily, but find almost no pleasure whatsoever in keeping them. When we arrange to do something together I look forward to it with the same anticipation and enjoyment that a trip to the doctors might bring. Eventually I drift away, or f me some silly excuse to severe the friendship.
I think I'm happier without 'friends', spending time with my husband, kids and wider family. But I see everyone else having these fulfilling friendships with members of the same sex. I see them huddled together chatting in the playground on the school run. I see their photos of nights out together on Facebook, and I really feel like I must be missing out on something. Every single day I think about this...what's wrong with me? Why haven't I got any friends? Why can't I be bothered to engage with people properly? And when I do, why do I get so very little out if it?
Am I alone in feeling like this?

This is such an interesting thread. I don't relate to any of the posts cos I'm really gregarious and have always wanted lots of friends, but my 20 yr old daughter is just like the posters here. She is unwilling to make the effort to make friends and if she spends time with her friend she always wants to be alone after a few hours. Her Dad is the same and I've never known what to say to her about it really. She is an anxious person but I don't think it's about her anxiety really. Sometimes she asks me if it's normal, or healthy and I haven't a clue. It wouldn't make me happy but I don't know how to advise really. Any ideas? I've bought her that 'quiet' book as recommended upthread. I'd love her to feel either validated in the way she is or motivated to change.

I am, if I am honest a bit shocked at those saying they don't care about anyone except their own family. I have helped out strangers lots of times, because I do care about people. I can't imagine what it would feel like to not care about anyone else, I can't imagine it.

lola beige friendly was a typo but I see what you mean. Also the daughter of Irish 'country' parents here! Maybe that explains it?!

crunchy this has nothing to do with helping out strangers, which i would do, and have done, no problem. It's the people who want more of me/time/emotional energy that I struggle with. I'm a very friendly caring person actually.

Same. Since I graduating and started work, the amount of social energy I have for other people has roughly halved.

Now I live with my partner, all my people-energy goes on him, my family and his family. And I'm actually a lot more fulfilled like that, rather than at uni where I had dozens of friends and kept up with everyone's lives and problems but always felt something was missing.

I love a board games night with work people or a 2-monthly catch-up but nothing more intense than that...

And yeah I don't think not wanting loads of close friends has anything to with helping out or caring about strangers.

Crunchy, this is like Naughty said, nothing to do with helping ppl. Today l have done my elderly 88yr old NDN shopping and every day since Sept l have been in there to chat to him to make sure he is ok. l take him to see his wife in hospital and go and visit her for him when he can't make it. I have also visited a friends child in hospital in HDU entertained my DS and her DH for the rugby this afternoon. I hate rugby. I went to 2 funerals in the past week for my Mum and dad to represent them because they are too infirm to do it and want me to represent the family and pay their respects.
I went to my elderly parents yesterday and cleaned their house from top to bottom did their shopping on Monday , took flowers to the relatives graves on Tuesday , tidied them up and so on and so forth .
I still prefer the company of my DDS and my DH. I just don't seem to need ppl but they do need me and I don't mind helping at all.

You sound lovely.*Mrs madevans

Aw thank you so much Naughty

Agree it's not about caring, I care a lot about many people but I don't seem to have as many hours in the day as everyone else.

For the last two years ( until this week just gone ) I have been looking after my dgm who has dementia and it has affected my whole life and that of my dc and dp.

I've neglected myself, my house and my whole life has been on hold.
I just want to be on my own a lot as a coping mechanism I think.

Sounds very silly and childish but the only place I feel truly safe and comfortable is at home.

Aw hugs Effi you have such a lot on your plate, it is understandable you want time to yourself . you are a

@madmomma - read the book too. It really helped me to understand my own family more and some of my friends. I’m more of an extrovert but definitely also have some introvert tendencies. I think in this extrovert world where being an extrovert is seen as an ideal way of being - think vloggers, instagram, likes, followers and reality stars. Those who seek more solitude can feel like they are drowning or as if they are aliens. I read this book recently and it resonated with me. Will shut up about it now!

Friends are overrated. They always expect you to do things for them when you really don't want to. You do whatever it is anyway because thats what friends do apparently then you spend days weeks avoiding them in case they want you to do more friend stuff.
And they seem to enjoy other peoples misery and like to gossip about it to all and sundry.

I really dont see what there is to like about 'friends' particularly. I say hello and I'm polite and thats about it. Anything more than this and it gets creepy especially if they ask loads of questions about your dc and family etc.

Will do trying, thanks

Not alone! I was bullied relentlessly at school and now have a great many 'arms length' friendships.

No one gets close because they can just do too much damage that way!

DH is my bestie.

This thread has been enlightening for me. I've spent almost 20 years thinking I'm abnormal because I shun friendship. Now I see that I'm not weird, there are loads of us who are content in our own company and find friendship too taxing. Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for sharing. I feel better about my stance on socialising than I ever have.

You are missing out! I have friends from childhood, teenage years, uni (mainly online as no-one is nearby), school gates and work. The ones I made in my teen years are my most reliable and ‘best’ friends, and some have drifted (esp work ones), but then I make more.
I’m easy to get along with, loyal and not ‘desperate’ (not saying you are, but that really turns me off in a person). I do expect it in return though, ie people to not blow me out, etc. I wouldn’t want a friend out of duty either.
If I didn’t have friends my life would be so boring as I have very limited family other than dh & kids (his family is nuts, so I avoid as much as poss) and I’m an extrovert.
I don’t think most people are fake & I weed them out anyway (can spot a faker a mile away). If people are interested in me then I take it they like me as I’m not glamorous, rich, or cool (and I have some wealthy ‘cool’ friends and some who most def aren’t, all bring something to my life). I look at personality and if I get on with someone without having to make an effort.

This thread is very helpful to me and, I suspect many.
I have 2 close friends who I see perhaps monthly and 3 more good friends who I may see twice a year.They are lovely and I have known them all over 20 years.
My DH is a really sociable person. I avoid meeting his friends, eventually I have to. They, having wondered if I am a bit weird in not going to events with him, are shocked at how much fun and how chatty I am. After about 3 meetings they decide I am actually rather judgmental and moody, which I am, because I cannot be arsed with their issues usually of their own making.
I sound delightful.
My young adult children are all far more like DH and I am glad for that.
Now I have more time, less work and child related things, my New Years resolution was to make a new friend but one has not emerged as yet.

If I didn’t have friends my life would be so boring as I have very limited family other than dh & kids (his family is nuts, so I avoid as much as poss) and I’m an extrovert.

Well, maybe life would be boring for you, as an extrovert. But surely you can see that for more introverted people it might be the socialising that's boring, not the lack of it? We're all different, after all.

That’s what I mean. Parental for me it would be v boring and I cultivate friendships to make up for lack of family. Since 16 I’ve always had a group of good friends though & had more family alive then!!! My DD is b much like a lot of ladies on this thread. She’s 15, has a group at school, but only about 3 she sees out of school on their own. She def used to be more social, but she seems happy not to go out much. She doesn’t enjoy parties much, but prefers one-to-one/small groups if the occasion arises. I think some of it comes from being knocked-back & also from not finding ‘her tribe’. She seems happy enough so I leave her to it (studying for GCSEs). She’s very clever and is v focused on her exams etc. It could be a lot worse!!!

I want to reiterate that this is not about helping strangers or being kind to people. I'll be the first to rush over to pick up a fallen old lady ect. Yesterday in fact i did a 300 point turn to get the car around and go back the way i'd come down a little lane to see if a bloke who i'd spotted leaning against the window in his car was asleep and not ill. (he was ok).

How can i explain? For me it's not that i hate people, it's that i don't literally care about them. I mean if the above mentioned bloke had been ill i'd have called an ambulance stayed with him and done what i could and once they'd carted him off i'd have gone home and totally forgotten about him. That's what it feels like. I know what's right and what's wrong and why. I'll always do the right thing. More readily in fact than an old school friend of mine who would call herself a humanitarian! She admitted she shot past the scene of an accident a few years ago because she ''didn't want to get involved''. (First on the scene). I'm squeamish about blood and know bugger all about first aid but i'd have been over there to try and help.

We're not monsters, just anti social

@poobag and others

Am glad you have got something out of this thread. As parental has said we are all different and as long as we are not doing evil, there is no right or wrong to approach the social side of your life!

@lolaflores hi! We do agree on something. Hope your issue has improved!

Im not getting it u make friends them ditch them and then u don't like it I'm not sure do u want friends or not or do u just want partner and family nothing wrong with that as my partner is my best friend we tell each other everything but u also need something out with that I met someone gestational nursery and we clicked and were the best of friends we see each other every day at school and maybe once month at nyt for a laugh and that's fine for me it's enough u don't need to go to all the things that friends arrange ure different and not into that but going round ure friend for a nyt n gossiping u have loads of stuff to tell partner when u get back as it's healthy and not stressful on u just do whatever ever makes u happy but don't complain as u aren't making any effort to stay friends with any of them as u don't see ureself in it asure obvs not a friend that wants to be involved in there life's and be there fully and commit to friendship so can walk away without a care I the world so what's the point in being friends if ure going to do that ure really lucky as u can make friends some people on here can't and are dederate to as there lonely and they got with a partner and left friends then it goes tits up and u're left with nothing but I. Ure case there will be no more people to choose your be friends with make up ure mind but don't put all ure eggs in one basket

laura65988 The point you were trying to make has been lost because you have more or less written one unbroken sentence.
There has been a lot of rumination on the reasons for people's lack of motivation to keep friendships and the roots of the behaviour.
For myself, I have found I have deeply ingrained distrust of people, too profound to overcome simply because I am worried about being left on my own.
Trust me. Abandoned and abused as often as I have makes being alone far more preferable than ever leaving yourself open to that again.
And you know what? You always have a friend in a full stop