To think friends aren't worth the aggro

[poobag]

This is something that bothers me literally every day of my life. I don't have any friends.
I make friends easily, but find almost no pleasure whatsoever in keeping them. When we arrange to do something together I look forward to it with the same anticipation and enjoyment that a trip to the doctors might bring. Eventually I drift away, or f me some silly excuse to severe the friendship.
I think I'm happier without 'friends', spending time with my husband, kids and wider family. But I see everyone else having these fulfilling friendships with members of the same sex. I see them huddled together chatting in the playground on the school run. I see their photos of nights out together on Facebook, and I really feel like I must be missing out on something. Every single day I think about this...what's wrong with me? Why haven't I got any friends? Why can't I be bothered to engage with people properly? And when I do, why do I get so very little out if it?
Am I alone in feeling like this?

I used to have friends, but actually getting ready and seeing them felt more like an obligation than a pleasure. I very rarely enjoyed myself, and most the things other people do just don't appeal to me.
I'd say my only friend is my sister, but she is family.
Other than that I am mostly happy to chill at home with the husband and baby. Always have been a home body. I do sometimes see happy friendship couple on Facebook and think "why can't that be me?" And get a bit pissed off.
I'm also the kind of person that's a bit upset if people plan to go out and don't invite me, but I know if they did invite me there's no way I would ever go.
So I think I occasionally just want to be wanted.
But not enough to put in any effort or compromise on the comfortable life I've got.
Besides, there's so much drama in most my family I don't think I could be arsed in a other persons set of dramas.

I am socially lazy. I work full time and find balancing this and family hard work. I have little enthusiasm and time for socializing. However I am aware that this won't last forever. As the kids get older they will need me less and my partner has a hobby that keeps him busy.

I make sure I spend time with others or I think I will regret it down the line. I don't really do nights out but I go to a book club and a couple of fitness classes. It helps create and keep connections

I feel like this sometimes. I have lots of friends who i speak to via text daily. I love them all dearly, but when we are together I feel like I don't fit, like I'm acting in a show? its very strange, I don't seem to be able to relax and let myself go? I really want to, I just can't do it in reality

The sisterly bond with other women that eludes you is not rocket science. It's about spending time with people, and being interested in them , and not judging too much!

I think its the judging I struggle with. how do I help myself be less judgemental?

I am the same and very glad I’m not the only one who thinks like this.
I find going out/meet ups etc exhausting. I do them to appear normal and I (sometimes) enjoy them and feel good at appearing ‘normal’ if that makes sense. I worry and stress out before meeting up with anyone, for no apparent reason, it’s very odd as I was a social butterfly when I was younger. I can make friends easily but I cannot keep them as I never make any follow up effort. I have friends in different countries which is much easier .
I love going home more than I like going out !
Funny thing is I’m never bored with my own company, other people bore me. I do realise this is more to do with my anxiety and issues than them.
How do fellow socially lazy/anxiety women deal with having a partner/husband around ? I don’t live with my OH and I’m fecking glad I don’t.

Gosh I’ve found my people.

To all and sundry, I am affable, fun, chatty and popular. To myself, I struggle with friendships once they pass a certain stage, and find socialising really exhausting. I too suffer from anxiety and find I can only manage ‘so much’before I need to retreat into myself again. I love my home and family and enjoy nothing more than pottering about my house alone. I worry about what people think of me - I always reflect after any social meet up that I may have said the wrong thing and can be hung up for days afterwards on the slightest ‘error.’ That I find exhausting.

I do force myself to socialise as I have a morbid fear of being completely alone one day. Also I don’t want to turn into my dad who is a total introvert. And as I worry about what people think of me I feel I have to please them by being friendly.

But the thought of a free weekend or a cancelled social plan fills me with bliss!

Primamadonna, dh is quite similar to me, in fact he’s possibly even more socially lazy. We both have our own lives too, sometimes we’re like ships in the night, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I find I can really ‘breathe easily’ in his company and I appreciate that is quite rare for someone like me. I really enjoy his company, he isn’t too intense or needy, and I think he appreciates that from me.

Again, like me to the outside world he’s really affable, likeable, laid back. We have a wide friendship circle and get invited to a lot, but we aren’t massively ‘close’ to any other couples, apart from his sil and bil, but we only see them once a month on average.

We’re the go-to couple for parties and large events, dinner parties etc but we wouldn’t be asked on holiday with other couples I don’t think as we’re not that close. Personally that’s a relief; a holiday with other families is my idea of hell!

TealStar - this is exactly how I feel.

posted too soon

But the thought of a free weekend or a cancelled social plan fills me with bliss! smile

This is me

I adore my female friends and couldn’t possibly imagine not maintaining those friendships!

tealstar, yes, that's how i would describe myself

I don't know if anyone has posted this but maybe try being friends with men?

I have two close friends and one is a woman, one is a man.

My DH gets on well with my male friend and I get on with his wife so it's all fairly relaxed.

I wouldn't worry about this 'sisterhood' it's something made up in western society. Just be friends with people you get on with.

If you're close to your mum and sisters, that explains why you're not bothered about having friends, OP. They are your friends. My DSis is mine. Not everyone has close family relationships. If you're happy with that, there is no issue.

Again, like me to the outside world he’s really affable, likeable, laid back. We have a wide friendship circle and get invited to a lot
We’re the go-to couple for parties and large events, dinner parties etc

This is very insightful for me. There was a thread I was on a month ago where we were discussing people that willingly accept your hospitality but never reciprocate. We know a couple who always come to our parties etc but we never get an invitation back, or even an invite for a coffee or something. It pissed me off for a few years, but I strongly suspect this is why.

Thank you for the insights, it always blows me away how much there is still to learn and MN is a great place for insights.

Reading this, it's notable that you all seem to be mothers of pretty young (primary age) children? I think it's totally normal to find your desire to socialise ebbs and flows a bit. I don't yet have children, but at times in my life (final year of my PhD, first year as a lecturer) when something else became all-consuming and left me feeling like I never had any time to just sit and be me I withdrew socially. Obviously you have to be careful here, as there's a danger of making people feel like you're only around when it suits you, but I think it's fine and normal to put socialising on a back burner at points in your life - and I wonder if some of your discomfort comes from you trying to do something that you just don't want to do right now, rather than anything sinister or any kind of character flaw.

Lethaldrizzle, the irony of being judged for saying that another group of people were not particularly nice, by a judgey mumsnet user hasn't escaped me.
Rather, how about asking why I said that they were not a nice group of people to begin with?
The answer would be because they talked behind each other's backs, gossiped about others, judged other people in the playground and looked for drama at every opportunity.

So all of them were not very nice . Try seeing the good in People!

If we think about it, years ago, woman werent under this imagined pressure to have groups of friends, ie.school mum groups, work friends, childhood friends, fizzy fridays, coffee mornings, spa days with the girls, nights out, hen weekends etc.
It's all a load of balls 😂

When I was younger I made friends easily and had different groups etc.
I'm great craic, a person that is popular in work and will get included and invited to things. I've a few groups and people that I'll keep in touch with and sometimes meet up.
But I can't be arsed. I prefer to do things with my husband (who is my true bestie 😉) or with my family. I just can't be bothered to invest in "the girls".

For a few years I too wondered if there was something wrong with me. But now I honestly do not care. I've accepted this is how I prefer things. It's of MY choosing. And I'm happy and content. I'm not attaching any labels to this either. It's very simple and doesn't require analysis 😁

If I met any of you IRL, I'd get on great with you all. But please don't call at my house for coffee, dont bother phoning me with your news, and don't sign us up to take pottery classes together!

Oh I've found my people.

I've always had a lot of friends. Have had a best friend since I was 4 and she is always tagging me in on best friend quotes etc on fb but-

I don't need anyone!

I seem to make friends without trying. I'm one of those annoying buggers who loves talking and have met friends in the most random of places over the years.

I have got my dad's personality which is quite witty I suppose and speak my mind without realising sometimes which can be a good or a bad thing.

I love my own company, always have done.
I love it when dp and the dc are out at the weekend and I can just "be"

I can entertain myself without needing to have company.
When my door goes I feel sick! I hate visitors, my sil said I'm antisocial, I completely agreed with her.

I will never understand the concept of being "bored" it baffles me.

I live in a small close and the 3 other women my age (30's/40's) are all in each other's pockets and are trying with me too.
I can't be arsed with it at all.

It was my 40th birthday a few weeks ago and two separate groups of friends were arranging a "girls night out" for me. I made excuses for both and did things with my family instead.

So this really is not that we don't have friends as we can't find any etc which I see a lot of on here and feel sad for the posters, it's more that we just don't want any and for many, this seems an alien concept.

I do prefer the company of man actually and would say I'm closer to the male acquaintances in my life

Hate rubbish like this. I prefer the company of the PEOPLE I like. Couldn’t give a shit what genitals they have.

I kind of understand.
I don’t really have many friends. I’ve got a small circle now of a few friends, but I don’t really see them often.
Though on the whole I’ve found a lot of people to not be very nice. I find a lot of people to be tedious.

I wish I wasn’t as lonely as I find myself but I also find a lot of people to painful to be around for one reason or another. Few people excepted from that x

I feel a bit like this too, OP.

I had a group of best friends years ago, when I was a student in the 90s, but we fell out and they stopped talking to me. It was all very sudden but completely my fault (although I still feel the way they treated me was harsh).

Anyway, I never really trusted anybody else afterwards, so never really made new friends. Then I got sober and it's really hard to make friends when you don't go to pubs and clubs.

This was a long time ago now (20ish years). I've got a partner and kids now, but I've never made friends again. I think it's because I can't go through all of that pain again. And I know it sounds silly, but my old friends were the best and I know that nobody else will ever match up. I miss female friendship so much, but I really don't think it's worth the hassle, not for me.

Quite happy with my little family, and curling up with a cuppa and a good book.

Mr Trebus hello there, we meet again. How are you?
Last night I did what i love doing the most...a nice shower, bit of a cuddle with DD2, some chit chat with DH then hopped into bed with a book. I just love it. There is nothing that can top that for me. No other people exist in this world that can bring the same comfort
I know that isn't enough for others but it is plenty for me and I shall enjoy it as long as I can.
Facebook is awash with people I know enjoying concerts, pubs and clubs etc and I am exhausted just looking at it. More power to them, but it isn't something I am drawn to. I am realsing at 50, that I never really was but it seemed as though doing otherwise was just too awful to contemplate. Over time I have embraced aloneness, self containment whatever we can name it, am open about it as well. I happily tell people I am not interested in girls nights out etc. A coffee catch up every so often is grand but be prepared for me to duck out of it the day before.

Hate rubbish like this. I prefer the company of the PEOPLE I like. Couldn’t give a shit what genitals they have.*

Lolita, I was answering a question about whether I've tried having male friends. I think I prefer spending time with men because they don't try to turn everything in to an argument or twist the things you say to suit their own agenda. Genitals have nothing to do with it.