To think friends aren't worth the aggro

[poobag]

This is something that bothers me literally every day of my life. I don't have any friends.
I make friends easily, but find almost no pleasure whatsoever in keeping them. When we arrange to do something together I look forward to it with the same anticipation and enjoyment that a trip to the doctors might bring. Eventually I drift away, or f me some silly excuse to severe the friendship.
I think I'm happier without 'friends', spending time with my husband, kids and wider family. But I see everyone else having these fulfilling friendships with members of the same sex. I see them huddled together chatting in the playground on the school run. I see their photos of nights out together on Facebook, and I really feel like I must be missing out on something. Every single day I think about this...what's wrong with me? Why haven't I got any friends? Why can't I be bothered to engage with people properly? And when I do, why do I get so very little out if it?
Am I alone in feeling like this?

I have seen a t shirt with the slogan
"Im late cos I didn't want to come"
Thinking of embroidering that one for over the fire place.

I wonder how many of us 'socially lazy' people really have a problem though? If it doesn't bother you then I guess it's not a problem. But I actively avoid people.
When I go on the school run for example, I time it to perfection so that I can swing in and out of the playground without having to stand around at all or stop to chat. Isn't that a bit weird?
Last academic year I decided to make friends with a group of mum's in the playground, just to have a crack at being normal. They weren't particularly nice people I don't think, and one of them burned me so I just withdrew again. Not just from the one who meddled in my private life, but from all of them.

But did she burn you or was it another imaginary slight? How do you tell the difference?
My friend ( ex friend obviously ) had autism and was always surrounded by friends. But once she didn't see them for a few days or so that was it. They were out of her life forever. She wouldn't return calls or emails or put herself out for 5 minutes to stay in touch with anyone.

Slane, good point. I felt that she burned me, but I guess I blew it out of proportion and used it to end the friendship. She was getting very close, dropping by for coffee etc. I remember feeling uncomfortable with it, so yes. I think I probably did use the episode where she overstepped the line as a reason to call time on our friendship. 😞

Needy ones are not worth the aggro. I quickly bin those!

Such an interesting thread! Nice to hear other people's experience. I feel the same, have a lot of anxiety so all 'acting' with new friends is exhausting. I cancel everything and then get annoyed I don't get invited. I also ran out of a meeting today because I didn't want to deal with the chit chat at the end and then felt left out. Ugh. Just want 1 friend who comes and hangs out on the couch with me eating sweets.

I kind of get you. I have very few friends: A from when I was 11 (I'm now 49), B from when I was 16, and C from 10 years ago (wife of DH's best friend). Best thing about A is that she is pretty much unavailable: we text frequently but meet up - lunch or coffee only - about twice a year. B I see at her house or out for lunch once every 3 months or so ... C would like me to go out on nights out but I refuse. I really can't do the nights out thing: it's horrible and I can't explain why. I used to be ok when I was late teens/early 20s, but now the idea of getting dressed up to go out partying fills me with horror. My DSis has friends all over the country who she visits regularly: I can't imagine that. I get anxiety about travelling - even if I know where I am going - and I really have no desire to party! I guess I am a loner: some of the happiest times I had were living on my own in London: my family and friends were hundreds of miles away and I basically kept myself to myself. I don't know why I'm like this and I sometimes wish I was more sociable, but agreeing to a night out fills me with anxious dread. Luckily I'm at the age now where saying 'no' is really easy. I am more honest with my friends now than I used to be and that's made things better - I've made some friends at DS's school and when they were trying to arrange a night out at Xmas I just told them that it's not for me. We go for coffee every now and then after morning drop off, and I enjoy it. But the thought of nights out .... god, no way.

@Stroller15 you get the Haribo and I'll be round in 15 x

Piffle, I'm your polar opposite. A night on the tiles is just my thing. Coffee mornings fill me with dread. In fact, I think probably any social event that doesn't include the chance to have a drink holds little appeal for me.

I’m the same- maybe see old work friends every 3/4 months or so but that’s it.
My DP has a huge social group who are lovely and inclusive but I find it all a bit suffocating at times.

Heres a thing poobag i stopped drinking about 5 years ago so now I have even less reason to go out. Folk stop making sense by about 10pm when you aren't drinking so there isn't much point. I also reckon the drinking I did was very much a bolster against the horror around me. If I was pissed, I could handle the crowds, the noise, the crush of people and tell myself it was fun. To sit in a crowded, noisy pub, filled with drunk folk whilst being stone cold sober is an of complete madness.
So much socializing is about drinking now as well. I can't do it anymore, not up for it. We went to a friend of DHs house on NYeve and I got so much hassle about not drinking that we left beore the bells and i didn't give a fuck what anyone thought. Wanted to go home, be in me jamas, bum to the lot of you.

Wow I thought I'd name changed and written this thread!! My DH is always saying how much he wants to be sociable and enjoys seeing people and I just think nahhhh I'm happy to see people when I see them and have acquaintances but I can't be arsed with proper friends, the whole drama of it all does my head in. Everyone wants too much of you and they all let you down in the end,I just can't be arsed "making an effort" with people. I've always wondered if I'm on the spectrum somewhere but this thread has made me realise that a lot of us are just like this, we just want to be with the few people we truly love and care for and that's it (or on our own) and I hate being made to feel that this is wrong.

Sometimes I enjoy socialising. Quite a lot of the time, I prefer my books or my phone. I don't like to admit this.

I was put off by some women I met when I has my first baby, over 20 years ago, and a couple of others I have met.

They were so constantly needy, daily visits, phone calls and texts all the time. One would keep me on the phone for hours in the evening.

I don't bother, now. It's too much drama and sucks my energy. I do feel guilty about my baby not 'seeing' many people, though I try with classes etc but I don't want to encourage people anymore who get angry when you don't want to give to them all the time.

Lola, you are exactly right. I think a drink in my hand takes the edge off of the monotony of small talk. Plus, I do like a drink and a dance and to stagger off home at 3am. This is about the only 'socialising' I can muster any enthusiasm for.

I’ve diagnosed myself ( on the internet obvs) with avoidant personality disorder. I think that is what is behind my friend issues. I am sad but also relieved to be on my own. Hate Facebook. Hate seeing what I’m missing but at the same time like nothing more than home and family. I would like to move to a different place where I could start again and do it all better. It doesn’t help that I live in a very insular town and everyone knows everyone and the closer they get, the more removed and distant I get. I think I will always be introverted and I can be quite happy with small amounts of friendship but st the moment I haven’t got it right.

Haisuli, oh crikey. As I said earlier, I've been wondering for some time if I have a personality disorder. I also self diagnosed myself as someone with APD a few years back. I certainly have most of the traits. But then all the quizzes tell me I'm BPD. I don't know, but I don't feel that I can change any of my behaviours. Do that leads me to think that I need to learn to accept my differences and work with them. x

I generally find people hard work. I tend to attract needy folk and TBH I have enough of my own problems to deal with. Which I don't put on others to solve.

I spend time at work sorting stuff out for people so it's not what i want to spend my spare time doing

You can be friends with men too. Why do you say women only?
Why don't you feel the same around wider family? What's the difference?

This thread is ike therapy. I could have written so many of these posts! Reassuring to know it’s not just me :-) my only slight concern is my kids seem to be going the same way - they seem to have fairly good friends in school, but rarely want to meet up with them at weekends or holidays, they claim they’re happy doing stuff on their own or with me & DH. I guess if I’m happy like this (I am), then I have to accept the6 can be happy too & just leave them to it.

You tried making friends with the school mums to try and be normal but they weren't very nice? - I'm sure they loved you! You sound a bit superior and judgey

This post could have been written by me.

I knew someone would come along shortly and accuse me of being 'judgey'.
Thank heavens for you, leathaldrizzle. Normal service can now resume.

I'd love to be in the position of making friends. It's prdtty hard. I'd love to have a reason to leave my house for an evening or a wider family that had the remotest interest in my life.
Maybe noone is happy with what they have.

You can be friends with men too. Why do you say women only?
Why don't you feel the same around wider family? What's the difference?

I do prefer the company of man actually and would say I'm closer to the male acquaintances in my life. I want to call them friends, but I'm not sure I can. I still hold them at arms length.
But I'm worried that it's the real 'sisterly' bond that women can share together that eludes me.

I don't really know the answer to the question about family. It's an interesting one... I just prefer to spend time with my mum, my sisters etc.