To think friends aren't worth the aggro

[poobag]

This is something that bothers me literally every day of my life. I don't have any friends.
I make friends easily, but find almost no pleasure whatsoever in keeping them. When we arrange to do something together I look forward to it with the same anticipation and enjoyment that a trip to the doctors might bring. Eventually I drift away, or f me some silly excuse to severe the friendship.
I think I'm happier without 'friends', spending time with my husband, kids and wider family. But I see everyone else having these fulfilling friendships with members of the same sex. I see them huddled together chatting in the playground on the school run. I see their photos of nights out together on Facebook, and I really feel like I must be missing out on something. Every single day I think about this...what's wrong with me? Why haven't I got any friends? Why can't I be bothered to engage with people properly? And when I do, why do I get so very little out if it?
Am I alone in feeling like this?

I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I am to find that I am not alone in feeling like this. In fact, I'm in very good company and it appears I'm actually quite normal.
I completely identify with the whole 'feeling like two people' thing. On one hand I love to party and would describe myself as outgoing and gregarious. On the other hand I dislike company and vont to be alone.

I'm so pleased I've come across this thread because this is me!!!
I'm really lazy socially and just can't be bothered to make the effort.
I just really enjoy my own company, although I like meeting new people and am good speaking to strangers.
I have one good friend, a few acquaintances and even when I meet her sometimes I just wished I'd gone out by myself. I have anxiety though and often worry about how I come across to people so maybe that's part of the reason for me. It's quite exhausting!

I've always felt like such a freak!

Anxiety! Yes, I'm an anxiety sufferer. But in recent years it's become a very insignificant part of my life. I've learned to control it and I feel very much on top of it now. Yet I've become even more withdrawn socially in that time. 🤔

we were very isolated as children. Our house wasn't a place that friends really came to play in. It wasn't a very warm house in certain respects. As a child i wasn't especially popular, was hurt quite easily and felt very uncertain around other kids. As I grew up I learned how to make people laugh or make them talk about themselves and generally enjoy being around me but I never thought I was creating the foundations for lasting friendships.
Maybe its a trust issue? At the bottom of my heart, I find it hard to accept, without question, that what people say is actually what they mean. Neurotic? Much. As life as gone on I found it easier not to play a guessing game and simply side step a lot of socializing.

I'm thinking about this now and wondering if it's nature or nurture or half and half.

It was always drummed into me as a kid to be polite. Paint on a smile. A hello costs nothing. Never be rude. Put your self last. Other people's feelings before your own. Outward appearance comes first. Kiss auntie this, hug uncle that, come down and be sociable, answer the phone and be sociable, answer the door and be sociable, dress up even if you're ill, do your hair if you're going out ... on and on and on.

I'm now so good at masking my real emotions and being polite that i feel guilty if i don't get to the phone in time or if i get upset or cry in front of medical staff for eg. Yes i can hold a room full of people with my wit and amazing personality but it feels like a chore and inside i just want them to all bugger off.

It's quite exhausting being nice and likeable all the time and it's a treat to get on your own and scowl all you like and traipse about being a miserable anti social cow

laiste my brother funnily enough was allowed to be the most sour faced, rude, ignorant fuck that ever stood in shoes. Probably a main reason why no one came to the house.
I would watch my mother sit and chatter with people, laughing, expressing interest only to see her pull a face and moan about how much she hated them....OH dear God
Agree wholeheartedly that there is conditioning as girls, to be "on"' To have the craic.
Can you tell where Im from yet? This sort of shit is endemic in ireland.
And..to entertain boring men, smile up at them as they drool on and pretend they are simply THE most fascinating person you ever met.
i have also given that up as a bad habit.

I feel like this sometimes. I think we are just so busy here with work, school, kids' activities, training etc that I'm very protective of my "down time" and guard it fiercely. Social engagements can feel like just another obligation unless it's something I'm really looking forward to. It's a matter of priorities I suppose and sometimes I do feel the need to prioritise my friendships and make more an effort with people but equally a lot of the time I've got other things I'd rather be doing or just can't be bothered.

Yes, that's fairly similar to my childhood which I remember as being very unpleasant. Outsiders were treated with distrust. Mum and dad never had anyone over, they only had each other as friends - and by and large they hated each other. I never had my friends over when we were young, although I was always out playing in the streets or at other people's houses.
My older sister suffers terribly with anxiety and is exactly as you describe, 'always on'. I find it exhausting just watching her.

I would watch my mother sit and chatter with people, laughing, expressing interest only to see her pull a face and moan about how much she hated them*

OMG....we had the same mother!!
Mine was very popular with everyone and she would be chatty and smiley.... but she didn't like anyone and would slag them off immediately after talking to them! She didn't trust anyone either.

YEs op! I’m the same, I've let every friendship slide for one reason or another. I worry about going to certain places in case I bump into them. I feel sad about it some days, they are lovely people. It’s all too much though, it costs a fortune as well!
I think about my funeral too, it would just be the kids and dh. That makes me sad.

My goodness you sound like me, I agree with you totally. I think society makes us feel like we should want friends but I agree to much hassle.

Yes my mum would do the bitching as well. She would spend hours on the phone to one friend, then ring the next to bitch about the last one. And on it went.

I remember an old (obviously, Its a friendship so I let it slide!) friends daughter saying to me ‘mum says true friends moan about each other behind their back’
I said no they don’t.

It’s facebooks fault:

‘Out with my girls’
Tag ‘best friends night out’
‘Huns having the best time’

Not unreasonable at all, I've been on a few mum's night out and I can't wait to get home from them to be honest! All of them are meeting up tonight, it sounds a bit rude but I can't be arsed...DH is away, it's freezing cold outside so I'll be watching tv with a glass of wine and a pizza in my PJs once the children are in bed!

What is normal? Normal is just what we define it to be. If you’re happy then that is your normal. We don’t all have to be the same, the world would be a very boring place if we were. Look into some quizzes about personality types and find out what sort you are, you may just be one who prefers their own company. There really isn’t anything wrong with you, you just aren’t the same as some other people. Vive la difference!

The first time i realised i was OK, in as much as not being very good at friendship was about 9 years ago. I was reading a biography of Colette the french writer. In it, a neighbour described seeing, from her bedroom window, Colette, her mother, father and sister, hiding in the garden because someone else had unexpectedly knocked on the front door and they didn't want to answer.
It was a revelation and let see other people didn't always want to be super chatty fun time Brenda from Finance

I feel the same OP. I had lots of friends growing up some I am still close with. I travelled, socialised and partied through teens and twenties. Now life is so busy with DCs, work and home that I really value my downtime with DH & family.

I have some school Mum friends but I just cannot get enthusiastic about their fizzy Fridays and girls weekends. I also find that some of them can be a bit bitchy and two faced and I really cannot be bothered with it all.

Well finally. Someone who feels the same way as me. I find friendships too much work and effort. I work full time, I run the house, any down time I want to spend with family or alone.
Sometimes friends want to meet up and I will agree but when the time comes I just dread it or put it off.
Some friends who live far away have suggested coming to stay. That would be my idea of hell. I like my own space and doing my own thing.
I just think when you are a parent your priorities change.
I can't figure out why I'm like this too.

I've had periods of my life where I've been very social - loads of parties, nights out and coffee mornings etc, etc. I'm good at it and can do it easily but it's not really my thing. As I've got older Ive realised I definitely prefer my own company's and just a few select friends. I guess I like the fact that I feel I could have a big circle of friends if I wanted. I'm a billy-no-mates by choice.
I've do an activity where I meet people casually so can have a bit of a friendly chit chat without it having to evolve into anything more. I love the fact I can dip in and out without having the baggage of friends.
My best friend is very much on my wavelength and I can't imagine we could be anymore relaxed with each other if we tried. We see each other fairly often but usually while doing something such as a walk or a chore and maybe a quick coffee. It works well.

Most the time I prefer being on my own and doing what I want when I want.

Obviously I like hanging out with my DH but even with him I like time on my own. Luckily he does too. He will sit and watch the sport while I go for a bike ride. The thought of spending all our time together sounds a bit much. We've been married forever so it's working.
My DC are adults and I love spending time with them but all of us seem to be happy spending time on our own too. I think it's healthy.

I really wish I could stop worrying about it and just accept that I will probably die alone and be eaten by my pet chihuahuas.
It just sounds so abnormal to say 'I prefer to be without friends', but then on the other hand being alone is a lot easier than having friends and having to keep to plans and make arrangements. I guess 'socially lazy' is a good way of putting it. I want friends, in theory. But I can't be arsed in practice.
Thank you for your input everyone, and for helping me see that I'm not the only person in the world who feels like this. I wish I had the self awareness that lots of you have in describing your feelings, and I wish I was half as articulate.

I think we are so 'conditioned' to feel we need to have certain things - friends, families that are happy 100% of the time, certain careers, cars etc and that is why we have that empty feeling because we have picked up all the messages of the things we are supposed to have and if we don't have them we wonder why.

When you get a bit older the 'friendscape' changes quite a bit, I feel. Mainly because, unless you work with people, you need to spend a lot of time with people to develop a friendship and unless there is a common reason to be together, that feels like a big effort. So people tend not to bother.

Also I think everyone is exhausted these days!! Life can be hard.

My thing is to tell myself that my heart is always open to the right friends and I know I will meet them as I go through life. But that doesn't mean you always can find a friend when you need one!!

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I do have a few good friends but I can't be bothered with calling any of them, or meeting up with them. I'm just too tired, I suffer from depression and PTSD, and social anxiety now. I'm content with DH, my DDs and my cats, although I do have one friend I work with and go out for a drink with occasionally.

It's very sad. I used to have a busy social life, but now people just tire me out. I do chat with friends online, though.

Some people prefer their own company, and that is absolutely fine. Mabey you haven't found friends that you click with.

Why can't I be bothered to engage with people properly? This sums me up too, Op. I can completely relate to those people saying they are socially lazy.

I don't see my oldest friends for months on end though they will regularly meet in pairs or groups and probably see each other every couple of weeks to a month. If I'm honest I just can't be arsed with them, they are lovely people but to see each other so often just feels needy. Then again I've not been one for things like concerts or cinema since I was late teens so do pass on a lot of things they do.