To split will between dc on basis of need, not equally?

[jzjz]

More of wwyd in this situation

Dh and I have had the same will since our 3 dc were children, splitting everything equally between them. They're now all grown up with their own families and very different circumstances, so I'm wondering if splitting equally is the best thing to do.

For context (all names changed)...
We have three adult children

1. Andrew - ultra intelligent & highest earning by far, his wife is also a high earner (both city lawyers). They have two kids - Bethany & Michael -both v. academic & high-achieving - who they've put through private school. Bethany doing law at top uni, Michael doing A-levels and want to do medicine. So I'd imagine they'll both be high earners in the future. If it's relevant, their mother is an only child and has very wealthy parents, so the family will be getting a big inheritance from them.

2. Hannah - not at all academic, didn't go to uni, got married and had a daughter & son quite young. The son (Jake) is in a stable relationship with 2 kids, has a good office job but doesn't earn a huge amount. The daughter (Isabel) is a single parent to 2 small kids whose fathers aren't in the picture, she works a few hours a week (can't do more due to childcare issues), but mostly relies on parents/benefits.

3. Jane went to uni & is a teacher, so earns a reasonable amount. Husband hasn't worked in years due to disability. 2 kids - the older (Lucy) went to uni, though not a top uni, and has just started working in an office in her home town, living at home. The younger (David) has SEN & works in a supermarket.

My question really is, should we leave the will as it is and split it equally, giving 1/3 to each child?

Should we split it equally 9 ways between each child & grandchild? (or include great-granchildren too?)

Or should we allocate it more on basis of need - i.e. not leave anything of financial worth to Andrew's family?

Should we prioritise Isabel, Jake, Lucy, David?

Split the will equally. Anything other is terrible.

Doesn't matter that you think they will never find out.

You sound like you have already made up your mind though and just want confirmation that it is OK from strangers because you know it is a shitty thing to do.

Maybe the answer is to do as much as possible for those who need the money now and leave as little as you can. Difficult one though because you don't know if you'll need care. At today's rates if you both need care you'll motor through all the money in about five years.

I was left out, the excuse being because I didn't "need" it. I've never forgiven my mother. I had to work hard for it not to ruin my relationship with sibs. I could really do with some money now and could have done without the feelings of being "tricked", unloved, disregarded etc. Totally unfair

Do they know how much money you have to leave? Is it tied up in property? If not why don't you help out your struggling grandchildren now, while you're alive to see their lives improve and Andrew and his family need never know if the don't have much contact. It's very difficult to know what to do but I think if I was in a position to help them out now I would, then split whatever's left 3 ways.... I'll probably get roasted for suggesting that!

I would either talk to your high earning child first to see how they feel (they may state that they don't want anything) or I would just split equally. My grandparents left my parents an equal amount to their siblings even though they are much higher earners and they just gave their siblings the money. I think that they appreciated being treated equally even if they didn't need or want the money. Be careful not to cause a rift.

Split equally. I’ve spent my life being given less because I seem to be better off. Less guidance, less support, I had to give to siblings because they choose not to look after themselves. Not just financially but every which way. I’ve become sick of it. Don’t assist in sibling rivalry because it will look like you favour one over the other. Make an equal will and be open about who gets what. Ask kids what they’d like so everyone knows what they’ll get and when death occurs the will is then the minor full stop at the end of a traumatic time. Death brings out the worst in everybody I’ve known who has experienced it and it’s broken my heart too many times. Equal or spend your money.

I assume they were all given the same growing up...the same upbringing. what they did with that is what has made them what they are today.

I thought this. Was there are reason one child did so well and the others didn't? Was Andrew the golden child?

You're going to get lots of Andrew supporters here simply because of the MN demographic, but you can also read how difficult it is to care for a SEN child, rent a house with no hope to buy. I would split according to need.

TBH I'd be giving it away now leaving yourself comfortable.

Friends of mine recently got a very unexpected smallish inheritance. They all got the same. For the two sisters it is a massive cushion. One can go back to work, setting up her own small business, the other is paying off some shitty bills that have been hanging over them and they might be able to have a weekend away. Its a real reprieve from a position of struggling. The third family member got the same amount but it doesn't mean much. They're a bit 'meh' about it. It'll probably sit in the bank, might give it to their kids, who have had a good start and have a good set up.

Where is the best place for this money? Where can you help the most? That's what I'd be asking myself.

Hmm, this is tricky. The difference between incomes and current and future asset wealth is huge, isn't it?

I think I would do a mixture.

Split the assets up into 5 shares, 3 shares to be divided equally between the children, and 2 shares to be distributed on an as needs basis, to help the grandchildren who need it to get on the property ladder.

But, make sure you pick out some sentimental items to leave to everyone. It might help if you ask them if there's anything they'd like to be left in the will (or maybe even given now)? A favourite item of jewellery, item of furniture, framed picture/photo?

Split it equally.
Tbh you probably don't know the intricacies of Andrew's finances and you have no idea what could happen to him and his family in the future.
I have a number of siblings. Two of them constantly tell DM about their money struggles and she consistently gives them money. She also assumes that my other two siblings are financially secure because they don't complain to her. But she's wrong. They just don't bring their financial worries to her.
When you're gone, your children will equate your inheritance with how much you love them. Don't leave Andrew with the impression that you loved him less.

I am probably going to get flamed for this but I see this give according to need philosophy practised in my family and as the wealthy/more successful one I really hate it.

The alleged needs of my full and step siblings together with their children are completely prioritised over me and my DC. I completely lost the plot when my DM said she would pay school fees for my DB’s DC because they were bright and needed extra stimulation. I asked whether my DC would be given the same and DM said no as we could afford to pay. I can’t afford 2 sets of private school fees but it was assumed that I could because we both work and are successful in our careers.

Frankly I am sick of the assumption that our income is fabulous just because it is more than any of my DB’s. My DSIL doesn’t work and DB finishes work at 6. Their life is tough and stressful however and mine in London is ease and luxury personified because we both work in an office.

I have lots of London based friends who have family with similar attitudes and we all laugh about it. Family gatherings can be particularly fun, one friend of mine was told by her MIL that she would know what real life was when Corbyn came to power. My friend grew up on a council estate, her parents still live there and she is the only one of her family to have gone to university. She works in banking so is particularly despised.

I am ranting here because it has touched a nerve. My DM backed off from paying school fees when I told her bluntly that I would never speak to her again if she did not at least treat my children equally.

None of my siblings have poor health or special needs and we all had the same opportunities growing up. Why is it fair to withhold from those who have done better?

As for the OP, it seems to me that she hugely underestimates and is dismissive of the hard work her eldest has put in to his career and his DC into their education. I wouldn’t be rushing home either in his shoes.

I don’t think you need to split it equally. To be blunt at the end of the day you’ll be dead so won’t be there to see any fallout and it sounds like the relationship between Andrew and his sisters isn’t great anyway so it’s unlikely to get any worse.

I’d absolutely do what I could to try and pull your granddaughter out of a life on beneftis and give her some financial security. You could really improve her life. Bethany just simply doesn’t need that money to the same extent and it wouldn’t make the same difference to her life.

Treating people “equally” is not always the same as treating them “fairly”

IMO, split equally between your 3 children, notwithstanding their different life courses. I've seen what happens when children are treated differently by their parents. Don't do it - the children left out or given less will feel it. Money in families can often stand in for care/love/regard

However ...

maybe you could have a word with your 'high-flying' well-off child about making sure his siblings are OK after you've gone. If you've brought your children up well, he will want to help his siblings. You hope!

Disabled ds has a secure council house now so plan to leave less proportion.. have to assume benefits system will be in place. His siblings will need more than him for housing etc.they less likely to be entitled to housing..

You need to firstly discuss with your children as to if they would want inheritance or if they would want it to go to their children (due to inheritance tax it doesn’t always make sense to gift it to the generation below if they are grown up with houses etc)
IF they want the money then split it evenly 3 ways (unless one of them says they don’t need it) and IF they say give it to your grandchildren then I would say split the amonth 3 ways (if you have £30 split it to £10) and then split that 3rd between the children eg A had 2 children so they each get £5 of the £30 inheritance

To add - I wouldn’t leave Andrew out, but would not feel compelled to give him the same as the others.

I am sure your daughters have worked just as hard as Andrew. Just because they have less money doesn’t mean they’re not hard working.

If you're in a position to help now (maybe you're not, I'm not sure if the money is tied up in property etc.) then I wouldn't wait until you're gone to help the members of your family that need it.
You then get the pleasure of seeing how it will change their lives and you don't have to broadcast to anyone else in the family that you've done so.
Also maybe you could leave something with sentimental value such as jewellery or art or something along those lines to Andrew so that he knows he's valued and it's not about the money.

what they did with that is what has made them what they are today.

Well, that and an element of luck. It’s hardly their upbringing that means the children have different levels of intellect and earning potential and likewise that meant they had disabled partners and children

Who the money is left to, other than spouses, has no effect whatsoever on Inheritance tax, it's based solely on the amount of the estate.

Split it equally. I’m assuming they all had the same opportunities? Why should the high earning one be penalised for doing well? Would you penalise the poorer ones for not doing so well?

I’ve got a feeling my DM would arrrange an unequal split prioritising my feckless brother who didn’t give a shit about school and made bad decision after bad decision whilst I worked my arse off.
‘

I would say split it equally as even with an explanation Andrew may be hurt. My grandparents did this to my mum (after bailing out her sister for decades) saying they wanted to leave everything to her sister as my mum was married with a home, kids, job etc. She was really upset and then my dad left her about six months after my grandfather died, had to sell the house so as to split assets...circumstances change.

However, it may be worth including something for your GC with SEN. I have a sibling with SEN and I hope that my dad makes some extra provision for this (my mum intends to do an equal split but unless my circumstances have changed by then I hope to be able to let him buy me out my share of the house at a discounted rate so he has a permanent home).

My advice would be to liquidate alot of your assits while alive and give them to the ones most in need but have your will equal but while still alive give what you would have given in unequal shares eg 80k for each of the ones that need help so the will is equal

I would split the money equally.
However, in the mean time you could always do things to make the lives of the others easier eg new shoes/clothes, days out, hair cuts, books, house hold appliances if necessary. These types of regular things will mean a huge amount to the families that are struggling.
My mother was on her own, and struggled financially. I remember things like this making a huge difference eg my grandmother paid for us to go on School trips/ some activities we otherwise couldn’t have done. I appreciated it as a child, and still do now. I similarly remember a couple of family friends who would buy us clothes, It felt really good.
I am sure your son couldn’t begrudge this type of spending?

Split equally.

A close relatives estate was subject to a deed of variation agreed between all recipients to alter the bequests so that my younger DBro got a disproportionately larger share.

My sister and I were in agreement and wanted/argued for this as it was the only way DBro could afford property in London.

However even ought we were very for it the consequences are difficukt to manage. Diss and I have both have "big" careers with long hours and lots of sacrifice/compromise to get to our position.

DBro has chosen a field he is passionate about, which isn't well paid and quite simply hasn't required the same sacrifices.

I now have to watch DBro waltzing around London with a much lower Loan-to-Value mortgage on his newly refurbished flat than I do. DEspite his significantly lower salary the gifting of a huge deposit has left him with a much larger proportion of his salary as disposable income and in recent months he has been able to buy a lot of new tech, new nice clothes and go on a couple of fairly pricey holidays.

My sister and I are, although it is difficult to admit it, jealous. When I was the same age (we have a big age gap) I was working full time, struggling to pay my mortgage and afford professional exam fees. I certainly wasn't going off to dive in the Galapagos.

My sister has also just bought a new property and is struggling to reaccumulate her savings. She also isn't able to do all the stuff DBro is at the moment despite a higher salary in a cheaper

However we are both determined not to let this ruin sibling relationships. OUr wee bro my didn't choose this but I think they could be a bit more sensitive when telling us about their travel plans!

And if he matter were to arise again I wouldn't go down this route. I feel like I've been punished for working hard.

You see Andrew as high earning and he may be in relation to his siblings but actually even if he and his wife earn £100k each that is not particularly high earning in London especially for city lawyers who would be earning far more than that. It suggests that they are possibly not the high flyers you think they are.

Their living expenses will be high if they live in London or have to pay to travel in.

They presumably have paid for 3 kids to go through private school and therefore this may have been at the expense of other savings and pensions. Their house may be on an interest only mortgage (which is how I know some people have funded private school fees). The fact is everything is not always as it seems from the outside to people.

It is very possible that they have lived like this in the anticipation that at some point they will be ok because they will inherit something.

Nothing causes a rift or anger within a family like a perceived unfair Will.