To split will between dc on basis of need, not equally?

[jzjz]

More of wwyd in this situation

Dh and I have had the same will since our 3 dc were children, splitting everything equally between them. They're now all grown up with their own families and very different circumstances, so I'm wondering if splitting equally is the best thing to do.

For context (all names changed)...
We have three adult children

1. Andrew - ultra intelligent & highest earning by far, his wife is also a high earner (both city lawyers). They have two kids - Bethany & Michael -both v. academic & high-achieving - who they've put through private school. Bethany doing law at top uni, Michael doing A-levels and want to do medicine. So I'd imagine they'll both be high earners in the future. If it's relevant, their mother is an only child and has very wealthy parents, so the family will be getting a big inheritance from them.

2. Hannah - not at all academic, didn't go to uni, got married and had a daughter & son quite young. The son (Jake) is in a stable relationship with 2 kids, has a good office job but doesn't earn a huge amount. The daughter (Isabel) is a single parent to 2 small kids whose fathers aren't in the picture, she works a few hours a week (can't do more due to childcare issues), but mostly relies on parents/benefits.

3. Jane went to uni & is a teacher, so earns a reasonable amount. Husband hasn't worked in years due to disability. 2 kids - the older (Lucy) went to uni, though not a top uni, and has just started working in an office in her home town, living at home. The younger (David) has SEN & works in a supermarket.

My question really is, should we leave the will as it is and split it equally, giving 1/3 to each child?

Should we split it equally 9 ways between each child & grandchild? (or include great-granchildren too?)

Or should we allocate it more on basis of need - i.e. not leave anything of financial worth to Andrew's family?

Should we prioritise Isabel, Jake, Lucy, David?

As another poster said, I really don't understand why giving unequal handouts now is fair, but an unequal will isn't. In lots of ways it seems more unfair, and could create problematic issues around secrets, expectations and setting precedents.

You know your kids best. How do you think Andrew would react? If you spoke to him about it would he feel pressured? Upset? If you think he'd cope with the conversation, raise it with him, just to get his views. He might feel privileged that you trusted him to gather his opinion, and he might appreciate being a benevolent philanthropist. If he doesn't though, I'd drop it and go for the equal split.

I havent read the replies but please split 3 equal ways between your children. We had this situation recently and the child that was left out was devastated and left very bad feeling between the siblings.

@Pannacott I think a will is basically a last message from the deceased and for someone to be snubbed could be very upsetting for them.
Helping out dc throughout life is just a normal part of life and unless someone is quite childish they shouldn't really be annoyed if they don't need the help and a sibling does.

I'd focus on your children and leave it to them to decide how to pass it on to their kids. Perhaps have a discussion with Andrew about what will happen when you pass and see if he is open to / suggests an arrangement that you think is fair. However I think it is such a lot of money I'd just split it 3 ways. It will be life changing for the lower earners and probably a significant boost even for Andrew.

Please give equal amounts to all parties. I am the Andrew, I feel I am the least loved by my parents.
My siblings could work but don't
They have an inheritance instead, so no need to worry about a job.
Equality is the only way.

I'd split it equall

My in-laws have decided to leave theirs according to perceived need and have discussed it with dh (who would be effectively left out, as we've worked hard and are reasonably comfortable). He told them it was fine, but was incredibly hurt. It's not about the money, he couldn't care less about the money (and probably would have given most of it to his siblings anyway) but to him it felt like a slap in the face.

He's worked incredibly hard to get where he is, whereas the siblings who would be inheriting chose different paths. They're also very happy in their lives, just with a smaller bank balance. One wanted to start a family early and so earns less than dh who was building his career instead (unknown to inlaws this was partially a way of dealing with fertility issues for us). Another simply has prioritised other things, so doesn't own a house for example, but has traveled more, spends money on junk other things that interest them, wheels dh saves. They all had the same opportunities, and easily could each have followed the others path if you see what I mean.

Upshot is, in laws will never know this, but they've probably hurt dh a much as they possibly could have, short of telling him they don't love him. Logically he knows it's not about love, but emotionally he can't help feeling the way he does. Press think again before doing the same to your children.

I had a mega rich brother, Sunday Times rich list etc. He told my mum not to leave him anything in her will, as my other brother and I, though comfortable, had much more modest circumstances. Sadly he died a few years later, and he left large sums to my DSs, enabling them to buy nice houses etc. He was quite happy not to be a beneficiary in Mum's will and it did not affect his generosity to my sons and me because he and mum had discussed it all in advance.

DH and I were in a similar situation to you, OP , DS2 with three kids, DS1 with none at the time we were re-drawing our will. Again like you, I asked on MN for views on a fair split, and was very firmly told that DS2's family planning and life choices was no concern of mine, funds should be spilt equally.

We discussed our new will with the DSs and they felt it was fair. Everything goes to them directly, half each, they can sort out bequests to their kids themselves Since making this will, DS1 has had a son, but the will is not affected.

My brother and we discussed this issue frankly with those affected. I think this is what you should do now, rather than leave room for jealous wrangling after your death.

Don't be mean. Split it three ways between your children. If Andrew is that financially savvy he'll probably use it very well and carefully!

You split it equally. There is no other way.

I'm the Andrew in our family and I honestly would be happy without any inheritance. Me and my husband are happy and financially secure and if my siblings could use the money, I wouldn't resent them for it. It depends on your family dynamics and you know your children best but I've told my parents they don't need to worry about me.

Not RTFT because I'm evil, but if its still relevant - split the will equally. Presumably your child all had an equal start in life.

I'm also the Andrew and I'd be fucking livid if I got nothing from my parents!

Be very careful. My grandfather split based on need following the death of my mother.
So we received very little because my father (his son in law) was wealthy.
It was gutting.
My uncles children who pleaded poverty but also seemed to manage holidays, sports cars etc, got my mums share. It was terrible. We never said anything but I feel very differently about them now. Their mother is still alive and they benefit from her support too

Completely unreasonable. They are all equally your children, aren't they?

What people seem not to understand is that emotionally a will is not about money. It's about the deceased's love for the heirs. You give more to an heir, you are implicitly saying that you care more for him/her than for the others. And it will result in extremely bad blood between your children, I guarantee it.

Split your will equally.

I couldn't do anything other than a 3 way split between my children.

Perceived need takes no account of all their financial needs throughout their life. You’d need a crystal ball to deduce that. Do you know which child or grandchild will have a car accident or a stroke or win the lottery? How can you claim to know how easy anyone’s life is on a day to day basis?

Split it equally.

If you want to help your needier children, help them now. Buy them things, give them wads of cash for bdays etc.

My husband is the Andrew, and whilst I think he would see it as fair for the other siblings to get more/ all money, I think he would feel hurt to be 'left out' of the estate. As a previous poster mentioned, emotionally, wills are about (perceived) love, not just money. Perhaps my DH would be on board with it more if parents approached him to discuss... but it's hard to say.
In your situation OP, I would divide equally.

Equal split.
Another Andrew here and an uneven split has been hinted at by my dps.
I am not the favourite child and my DC not the favourite GC either. The excuse will be I am more successful and far better off than my siblings.
It hurts. Just hoping I don't get completely cut out.

I massively appreciate all the advice.

Helping out now isn't really an option - the money is all tied up in our house.

I hadn't really properly considered all the potential future events that could change any of the dc/dgc's financial situations, which was silly of me.

I am leaning back towards splitting equally.

I can't understand this 'talk to Andrew' - it's actually nothing to do with him. If you want to talk, talk to all three!

And yes, in your situation I would, and will, gift equally to all three.

My sister married a high-flyer. She lives in a huge, beautiful and mortgage-free country house, and only works for fun. I am single, on a low income, and have lots of years of mortgage left on my very small one-bedroom flat. My dad's will splits everything that might be left after care costs equally between us and I wouldn't want it to be any other way. (It helps that I know she'd let me come and live with her if my life went completely tits-up!)

@kaytee87 but if the will is discussed in advance, and if Andrew chooses whether an equal split is fairest, or he decides to support parents unequal split, that isn't a final message of love after death is it? It's a loving discussion with present, thoughtful parents.

And additionally, all the arguments about lifestyle choices vs hard work in assessing 'neediness' are far more relevant for ongoing handouts, as if one party knows they are available then there is increased disincentive to be self-reliant. The relationship boards are full of stories where parents support living siblings differently and it causes great pain.

Split it equally. £200 k is a lot for anyone to inherit.
I don’t think it would sit right with me if I was one of the other 2 and I got 300k instead of 200k but my brother was cut from the will.
Andrew shouldn’t be penalised for doing well.

Definitely equal split. Your children have made their own decisions and must either face the consequences are enjoy the fruits. Splitting any other than equally could cause family rifts. Also, you can't legislate for what may happen in the future. Andrew may find himself single and unemployed - his wife may divorce him and take him to the cleaners - he may get a disability and be unable to work. You really wouldn't want to keep changing your will according to your children's circumstances at the time would you?