It seems like he's using his a child as a weapon to hurt others

[IndigoMoonFlower]

Male family member and his wife have a new baby. They are not in the UK and there have been many times when they have been sent money by family members because of "medical bills" etc. Just lately no money has been sent because of hard times after Christmas spending and I've been noticing that during either video chats or video messages the baby is exclusively held by HER family OR he rings at a time when I'm not available to talk. He DOES know my movements as we are FB friends and he can see when I'm online. I have to admit, I'm a little hurt because I feel like he has been trying to get money out of us and when he's not managing to I feel like he is using her side of the family to try and make us jealous. All of it totally sucks and I don't really know what to do, except take a big step back. It doesn't help that I've never met the wife and in her culture, she probably thinks all English are loaded (How I wish this was true!!!)

I'm missing the bit where its a jealousy thing to have the mother holding her own child ... I might need that explaining in more depth.

This doesn’t seem to make much sense. Why would a mother holding her own baby be “using a child as a weapon to hurt others”?

bit racist!

She never holds her a baby, her female relatives do. It's all a bit weird.

Why would he know if you are available to talk because of FB? And it isn't weird for her family to hold the baby.

Okay...so her relatives hold the baby.

How is that using the child as a weapon?

I think it is a bit weird because every time we get a video or a video chat its always the other relatives holding the baby and never the babys parents.

The post wasnt meant to be racist, but I am struggling to understand why they have the "expectations" of money being sent at all, considering that much has already been sent. It's not viable to keep doing this as we have our own family to care for here, but it feels like they refuse to let us see the baby on video chat because of it.

Have you been hitting the brownies a bit early? You sound a bit paranoid.

So don't send by money. Does the baby get hidden or something??

Have they told you they want more money?

Maybe the baby needs to be walked/moved and it’s be difficult to have a conversation with a wriggly child?

Nothing about this seems weird at all.

Wtf are you on / on about?

Aren't the parents busy video chatting and typing to be holding a baby?

If he really was using baby as a lever for money, surely he'd not be videochatting so often.
Relatives holding baby might be a cultural norm for his wife

I wish I understood

Don't you think it's a bit odd that the parents are NEVER in any of the baby photos or the videos?? Not that we get many, but when we do it's always other relatives having fun with the baby and considering those relatives don't speak English, it's quite confusing.

I feel like it's deliberate. We would have liked to see the baby, but they are a long distance away and we don't have the money to travel there, much less keep donating to them. I feel like they resent this and that's why they won't talk to us now.

I should add, both parents are in well paid jobs and in a better financial state than we are.

I thought they were talking to you but female relatives were holding the baby. Now you say they won’t talk to you?

Don’t send money if you don’t want to. Why would you need to if they’re in a better financial state than you? This sounds a bit batshit to be honest...you are TOTALLY overthinking.

OP who said I was paranoid, have you been on the bitter lemon already. You sound like you want to spread bitter and twistedness already! It's a bit early to be flinging MH diagnoses out isn't it?!! LOL

I'm perfectly entitled to say how I feel, and if trolls want to be all bitter and twisted then they can just vent their bile here I guess, if they've no better place to be. If anyone positive and normal wants to say anything helpful then you never know, it might even help!

You never replied when I asked about the FB movement thing? How is he to know when to based on being online?

Errr... ok......

I felt pressured initially to send cash because they went on about medical bills for the baby who was born with medical needs that cost a lot...It was alll they talked about.

And no, I haven't seen them on video chat this year so far, They have rung at times when they known Im not online because I've explained, but when I have apologised for not being online ( I cant be when Im working!) and tried to set up a mutually planned time for a videochat they ignore me.

Someone even said to me that they probably don't want to talk, but are doing it to make it look like they tried to and it's "my fault" we didnt.

This is one of the most confusing things I have ever read! Really don't know what is going on.

I should add, both parents are in well paid jobs and in a better financial state than we are.

So, why do you send them money?

They have a new baby, it will be tricky to phone at times that suit both you and the baby plus the time difference.

It must be really stressful paying for medical bills, esp if the child is ill. Don't blame them for talking about it!

Family and friends wanting to see babies - it's only weird until you make it weird, and you, OP, have made it weird.

It's you who sees the baby as some sort of quid-pro-quo form of entitlement, and you're projecting wildly about who holds the baby whilst you're Skyping them as if it signifies a damn thing.