It seems like he's using his a child as a weapon to hurt others

[IndigoMoonFlower]

Male family member and his wife have a new baby. They are not in the UK and there have been many times when they have been sent money by family members because of "medical bills" etc. Just lately no money has been sent because of hard times after Christmas spending and I've been noticing that during either video chats or video messages the baby is exclusively held by HER family OR he rings at a time when I'm not available to talk. He DOES know my movements as we are FB friends and he can see when I'm online. I have to admit, I'm a little hurt because I feel like he has been trying to get money out of us and when he's not managing to I feel like he is using her side of the family to try and make us jealous. All of it totally sucks and I don't really know what to do, except take a big step back. It doesn't help that I've never met the wife and in her culture, she probably thinks all English are loaded (How I wish this was true!!!)

Even if this is your brother, I still think absolutely send no money ever again, and make sure present are not extravagant, and just literally train them that they can't get cash out of you.

Think what they do for you. What do they actually do for you? How do they show their love and care for you?

What do they do for me? Upset me, compare me negatively to her relatives...refuse to make arrangements to talk, complain about money, never be thankful even when we do send it...

I'm done with the head games. It should be a close family member, but due to their behaviour, it isnt. Miles and different countries don't separate people, but their behaviour does. I see no point in visiting them, uninvited.

I get you, OP. It does sound as if the baby is being held in the background as a kind of rebuke for some reason. I also understand the difficulties of timing as I have family in the Far East which is sort of where I imagine your relation is living.

It’s very likely that the two people earning good money are actually supporting a big network of family members who may well see your family as a good source of income. Simply reiterate calmly that you can’t spare funds and carry on chatting.

Have you actually asked your relation to hold his baby where you can say hello properly? And actually tried to set up a Skype call at a time that works? Or use WhatsApp so you can communicate when away from home?

It’s not easy but doable. Show a clear interest in the family members, remember their names and details and get a regular slot with the baby. If all of this is declined then you probably do have a point and they just want your money.

@Matildathecat yes it is kind of in that direction and they dont pay her parents a huge amount for rent and food, just £100 a month (which they think is a lot) If they came and lived here, I think they would have a shock about the cost of living tbh

I have done all of the things you suggested, but I'm left feeling like it's manipulation and passive aggressive head games, unfortunately. It's a shame we aren't closer as sometimes a baby can make families closer.

Watching a video of a non English speaking relative talking with the baby is just confusing because I can't understand the context of what is being said
Because the deep and meaningful conversations adults have with babies are vitally important to the context?

They're not in the photos or videos because they're most likely the ones holding the camera
This. There are barely any photos of our daughter and I when she was a baby. Mr Foo rarely had a camera out and ran a mile if I pointed a camera at him. Any we have now are selfies.

It sounds to me like you have a whole host of issues with the fact your brother has met and married overseas and want to blame everyone for that except him. He has made his choices and it is down to you to sort out how you want to deal with that. Visit or don't. Send money or don't. But why on earth start wittering on about him using a baby as a weapon with absolutely no basis for that other than your own paranoia.

sometimes a baby can make families closer
Eh, no. Fixing broken families is not the job of a new born baby and at best, any initial good will is just papering over the cracks.

From now on, you need to be resolute about not sending more money. You seem to be a little baby-crazy TBH, please remember that however cute and helpless the ickle wickle baybee is, the parents are just exploiting your feelings.

It is NOT up to you and your family to pay for this kid. It is the sole responsibility of those who chose to bring it into this world.

Harden up. When you Skype, do they look clean, adequately dressed and fed? Course they do. Are there toys? I bet there are. I bet they look in robust health too, don't they? Seriously, they are taking the piss out of you.

Step back
No more money
Small gifts
No paying medical fees

It is not your job to fund others. Something is off because you feel you are being badly treated/ exploited so stop being part of this.
Oceans separate you so you don’t have to feel obliged, be caring, be nice but hold them all at arms length if they make you feel this way

I do miss male relative, which is why I have been exploited. I recognise this now, so can step back. It's sad, but best to be realistic.

I am disappointed that I didn't get to meet his wife previous to the shotgun wedding (because she was preggers) but there's nothing I can do about that now. They wanted to live with us, but there's no way we can afford them for £100 a month considering the cost of living in this country...