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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It seems like he's using his a child as a weapon to hurt others

84 replies

IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 12:12

Male family member and his wife have a new baby. They are not in the UK and there have been many times when they have been sent money by family members because of "medical bills" etc. Just lately no money has been sent because of hard times after Christmas spending and I've been noticing that during either video chats or video messages the baby is exclusively held by HER family OR he rings at a time when I'm not available to talk. He DOES know my movements as we are FB friends and he can see when I'm online. I have to admit, I'm a little hurt because I feel like he has been trying to get money out of us and when he's not managing to I feel like he is using her side of the family to try and make us jealous. All of it totally sucks and I don't really know what to do, except take a big step back. It doesn't help that I've never met the wife and in her culture, she probably thinks all English are loaded (How I wish this was true!!!)

OP posts:
Hissy · 31/01/2018 13:05

OK, DOES the baby have medical issues? If so, I dare say it is stressful for them to manage. Or do you think they are saying this to extract money?

I used to live in Egypt and without exception people would try to take my ds from me to hold under the guise of helping me. It was not helpful to me at all as it goes, but that was what they thought they were doing to help.

Almost without exception, when I lived in Egypt every local person I met within 15 seconds of meeting them and then realising I was forrin literally held out their hand for cash or if my ex was about to listen came up with a really sad story that meant money would help them... Hmm

Both my ExH and DS dad were from other countries and their friends/families definitely thought that us living in London/UK meant that there was a rich stream of cash to be tapped into.

It's not racist, its a misperception of others. It happens. there is no point is saying people don't think like this, they do.

NightRaven52 · 31/01/2018 13:08

But you don't know that they don't have nice photos of Mum, Dad and baby? They've only shared with you the photos and videos they have chosen to share. I am willing to put money on that they have not sent you every single video or photo that has been taken since the child has been born.

Out of everything from OPs posts, I really can't understand how anyone could get worked up over this, except maybe the sending money thing. Are you the one sending them money OP? It's not very clear from your post. If you are, don't send them more money. If you aren't, it's really not any of your business.

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:08

Thankyou so much Battytwatty ! Such a relief that someone actually gets it and not to be accused for a while breathes out

I am the least racist person ever, but like Hisst says, some people do think like this.

I feel like they are only interested in how much money I can send, but other relatives tell me they are using me, that they must have insurance etc...

OP posts:
Hissy · 31/01/2018 13:09

I find skype extremely intrusive too tbh, unless it's with my OH or son.

My ex skyped his ds once, and brought in some grinning 'cousin' who did gawp at me and my kitchen. I stopped the call and said I'd not allow skype again.

If I were you, I'd let your OH do the skype calls - dip in and wave to everyone perhaps and then leave them all to it. If you don't understand, it's pointless for you to sit there like a lemon

Hissy · 31/01/2018 13:10

Which other relatives? from your OH side? someone who would know about insurance etc?

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:13

Other family members and friends who have seen what I have been sent keep telling me that they are trying to make me jealous or play me for cash.

As I said earlier, my instincts are to take a large step backwards and have little to do with them. I just end up feeling hurt and that they are trying to play me off against their family there. It's not good for me to be constantly compared to her family who are all the the same country. It's true that I can't do anything for the baby except send money, but I'm not inclined to believe anything they tell me anymore.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 31/01/2018 13:15

I may have missed it, IndigoMoonFlower, but I can't see where you've said what actual relative it is you're talking about. Are you the baby's granny, mother of the father? Or something else? It makes a difference, if you're granny I can see how upsetting this all is, but if you're a more distant relative, why would you be sending them money?

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:20

I'm not the relative described, but one of a few relatives that have sent money. I dont think the position or generation is relevant tbh

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 31/01/2018 13:25

You don't think how close a relative you are is relevant?

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:25

A couple of other family members have sent cash, more than I have. Other family members say they think its a scam because both parebts have good jobs and also medical insurance,

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 31/01/2018 13:27

constantly compared to her family

You haven't mentioned that they have done this. What was the circumstances?

SwarmOfCats · 31/01/2018 13:27

Just don’t send any more money. Problem solved!

What makes you feel you’re being compared to her family?

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/01/2018 13:27

Grasping at straws here, but is it possible that her relations are trying to make the most of having the baby there? If they have said that they are going to move back to the dad's home country?

I think you just have to make it clear that you don't have the money to send, and then let things settle down for a while. Presumably mum is still on some form of maternity leave, so their income may have become tighter than they are used to, but they (like everyone else in the entire world) have to learn that there's no such thing as a free handout.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/01/2018 13:27

I hear you OP, you are not a cash cow, but feel as though you are being treat like one. My advice, leave them to it, you know what they say, 'There's no show without Punch', don't involve yourself any further.

onalongsabbatical · 31/01/2018 13:27

Ok, so, what's stopping you from distancing yourself from them, if you think you and other relatives are being scammed? Surely their response to that might tell you something?

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:34

I didnt want to believe that our family could have been scammed. But it looks likely because since the cash dried up, so did the conversation.

It just makes me feel annoyed when I keep finding "missed calls" on my phone when they know I'm at work. It's almost like they are doing it on purpose because they know no one is free to talk during work time. The first few times it happened I replied sorry that I'd missed them but didnt ring them back because of the time difference. It's happened again another three times, so I've said if they want to talk, lets arrange a time. I've said that twice, and no reply, so I do feel cross. I have distanced myself and others have too, but I am wondering whether to actually say something pertinent.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 31/01/2018 13:38

Now, I'm beginning to agree that their behaviour is a bit weird and it could well be that they were only interested in being in contact because they wanted money. But what would you say? And what would you hope to achieve by saying anything?

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:40

I don't know. I am not sure if I even will say anything.

I just feel cross and frustrated when I see another missed call at a time they know we are working. And yet when I reply by saying we can arrange a time to chat, they don't reply. Maybe it's just head games.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 31/01/2018 13:40

I think it sounds really weird. Are you sure they even have a baby? There’s no photos of them holding a baby, the people that have been pictured holding the baby, have you met them? Do you know if they are really family?
Sounds like a scam to me and I wouldn’t be sending them any money.

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:45

I have seen them with the baby when it was first born. In the hospital. So, yes I think it is their baby. I can see a likeness too. But even so...

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 31/01/2018 13:46

I didnt want to believe that our family could have been scammed. But it looks likely because since the cash dried up, so did the conversation

That's only because you are out. They are trying.

Why don't you skype them on your day off?

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:47

On my days off they work. That's why. There is only a small window of time, which is why I asked them to plan a time.

OP posts:
Koala72 · 31/01/2018 13:48

Do you think it's all made up? That the baby isn't theirs, and that's why they are never there? I do think it's odd you never see them alone with the baby. You'd expect at least sometimes in their room or something.

Having said that, it's their baby (if they have one ...) and I guess up to them who holds it and who they show it. I think it may be a bit that you feel they showed the baby before when they wanted money, and now you aren't giving any money, they aren't bothering to show the baby? Or are deliberately not?

It all sounds a bit strange, but tbh it sounds a bit strange from your side too. I think you should take a trip out there and then you will find out everything ...

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:51

I'm not going there. Why would I arrange to visit someone who can't even arrange to video chat at a specific time?

Like I say, I'm distant, but still cross. I will most likely do nothing.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 31/01/2018 13:58

It is a bit hard - I know you disagreed with this - to understand what's going on without knowing how close you are to these people. To be honest, you don't sound like you are a close relative, and that you're going to be happy enough to let contact drift. Now if you're distant cousins (for instance) that makes sense, but if this guy is your son or your brother, not so much. But you don't want to say?