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AIBU?

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Original poster

It seems like he's using his a child as a weapon to hurt others

84 replies

IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 12:12

Male family member and his wife have a new baby. They are not in the UK and there have been many times when they have been sent money by family members because of "medical bills" etc. Just lately no money has been sent because of hard times after Christmas spending and I've been noticing that during either video chats or video messages the baby is exclusively held by HER family OR he rings at a time when I'm not available to talk. He DOES know my movements as we are FB friends and he can see when I'm online. I have to admit, I'm a little hurt because I feel like he has been trying to get money out of us and when he's not managing to I feel like he is using her side of the family to try and make us jealous. All of it totally sucks and I don't really know what to do, except take a big step back. It doesn't help that I've never met the wife and in her culture, she probably thinks all English are loaded (How I wish this was true!!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 12:45

I have already explained. I sent them money when they struggled to pay their medical bills for the baby.

But, since I stopped sending money (to pay for Christmas) they have been acting wierd.

OP posts:
ObscuredbyFog · 31/01/2018 12:47

I should add, both parents are in well paid jobs and in a better financial state than we are

Tell them this, plainly and simply the next time they ask for money.

You think they are using you as a third source of income, cut off their cash supply, tell them the above again and tell your male family member to translate that so his wife understands.

I understand your assumption that they are only showing you a presumably happy and thriving baby being held by all her relatives as a 'look what we can do and you can't because you're not here' deliberate attempt to wind you up.

Try and reframe that to thoughts about the baby being brought up in a warm and supportive environment.

Keep reinforcing this message, I should add, both parents are in well paid jobs and in a better financial state than we are
If her family have any expectations that you should be supporting them, they need to be told the truth. Rinse and repeat until the message gets through.

Nicknacky · 31/01/2018 12:47

But you said you hadn't sent them money since Christmas and that's when the family members were holding the baby, now you are saying you haven't spoke at all? Which is it?

zzzzz · 31/01/2018 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsWanaBanana · 31/01/2018 12:48

OP I’m not being rude but I think you’re reading way too much into this. Maybe they just want other family there to concentrate on the baby so they can have a proper conversation with you. It’s hard trying to talk with you and entertain a baby at the same time. The money thing is a seperate issue. If you can’t afford to send any then don’t. If you really think they are punishing you by withholding the baby, then you need to talk to your relative and ask him straight

SwarmOfCats · 31/01/2018 12:50

If you don’t want to send money, or can’t afford it, don’t.

Call them when it’s convenient for you if you want to chat.

Simple.

I have no clue what’s going on with the ‘female relatives holding the baby’ worrying, this doesn’t seem to have any bearing on anything.

Haffiana · 31/01/2018 12:50

You lost me when you started having a go at people trying to help on this thread. I would imagine your relationships with your family are as blighted.

SleepFreeZone · 31/01/2018 12:51

OP who is the parent to you relationships wise? I’m guessing son or maybe brother?

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 12:51

Skyping with someone who doesnt speak English gawping at me like Im a prize spectacle Is somewhat unnerving, since I don't know them fron Adam...and I can't talk with them. Watching a video of a non English speaking relative talking with the baby is just confusing because I can't understand the context of what is being said. I don't see the point to be honest, but even though I'm thinking this, I haven't said so.

If my relative doesn't want to talk, that's fine. But I'm entitled to feel the feelings I am feeling without having a mental health diagnosis foisted on me.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 31/01/2018 12:52

Stop sending money, you are being used, with or without the wierd "on line" scenario... if they do bother to contact you, ask when they will be able to refund...

BanyanTree · 31/01/2018 12:53

2 separate issues here.

a) Your male relative is married and is her country? I know of a few nationalities where the mother, aunty, sister and anyone they employ to love inter house will all be holding the baby whenever and where ever. Some cultures see it as a family thing to bring up a baby.

b) Why are you sending them money? Healthcare can be really cheap in some countries and so they should be able to afford it if they are both working. I would suggest that you tell them you can't send any more money irrespective of how much you get to see the baby or not.

BanyanTree · 31/01/2018 12:53

..they employ and live in their house..

SparkleFizz · 31/01/2018 12:53

I should add, both parents are in well paid jobs and in a better financial state than we are.

Do they understand this? If they’re asking you for money, or heavily hinting that you give them money, it’s certainly worthwhile making this clear.

ObscuredbyFog · 31/01/2018 12:54

Can you learn a few phrases in the language so you can communicate a little easier?
It's so much easier with face to face because you can gesticulate most meanings anyway.

Blackteadrinker77 · 31/01/2018 12:55

As a family you helped out with the initial medical costs for the baby. I presume you didn't send clothes, buy a cot etc?

If you didn't then the cash is probably seen as a normal cash gift when a child is born.

They are trying to video call you when they get chance, not easy with a new born.
Are you video ringing them when you get back?

I don't get your point about her family members holding their child. If extended family are there it is a little break for the parents and of course they all want a cuddle.

I don't see how this child is being used as a weapon. I think that it sounds like your hurting that you can't be as close to the baby and I get that. Don't deflect it on to them though.

SwarmOfCats · 31/01/2018 12:56

So...you have a problem with the language barrier?

If you want videos of the baby, does it matter what language is being spoken in the background? It’s not like the baby is speaking and you can’t understand?

I take it if you’re Skyping you have someone there who you can understand?

This thread is a rollercoaster. What exactly is it that’s bothering you - a perceived expectation for money, baby being held by relatives, or not understanding a language?

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 12:56

I havent had a go at anyone. I have stood up for my right to express my feelings.

Quite honestly, I wouldnt say any of this IRL because I am a peace keeper, so no it hasn't sullied my relationships because they have no idea how I feel. Talking about how I feel on the internet though as anonymously is a good place to let it all out without spoiling family relations

OP posts:
NightRaven52 · 31/01/2018 12:56

Don't you think it's a bit odd that the parents are NEVER in any of the baby photos or the videos??

They're not in the photos or videos because they're most likely the ones holding the camera...

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 12:58

No I am not video ringing them when I get back from work because the time difference in their part of the world means they would be asleep

OP posts:
NightRaven52 · 31/01/2018 13:00

Also I assume the language her relatives are speaking in videos is the language of whatever country they're in, are you honestly saying that you have an issue with people speaking to the baby in what will most likely be the baby's primary language? Hmm

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:00

I do think that, if the parents ARE always holding the camera, that it's a shame for them. I would have thought that as there are so many family members there that they could get a nice photos of a video of them all together that they would be able to enjoy for many years to come.

I'm not going to say any of this. I just came here to vent.

OP posts:
SwarmOfCats · 31/01/2018 13:02

If the time difference is an issue, call them on a weekend.

Original poster
IndigoMoonFlower · 31/01/2018 13:04

And no it's not that I have an issue with that. It's that I was told they would be coming to live in this country and so that won't be the baby's primary language. The last time I spoke with them they were saying how much money they need to save to come to this country, but we can't help them. Since we have said that, it has coincided with them not skyping or sending pictures anymore, sadly.

Yes, I have learned some basic phrases, but nothing like sufficient to hold any sort of meaningful conversation.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 31/01/2018 13:04

Just message saying you'd love a picture of them holding the baby.

I'm sure they'd send you one.

Battytwatty · 31/01/2018 13:04

I don't know why the Op is getting a hard time here. ..the post makes perfect sense to me. She feels used because now she isn't paying towards medical bills her family member seems to have binned her off.
Why do folks need to pick apart every detail of a post rather that just comment about the matter in hand. Boils my piss!
And OP I don't think you are being unreasonable