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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut down contact with my friend?

91 replies

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 07:45

My friend has two children, just fourteen months apart.

They are lovely. I have no issue with them personally. But if I am honest with myself, I now find her company really tedious.

All conversations revolve around the children -it’s pretty much impossible to talk about anything else because she’s interrupted even if we are talking about something else. Going anywhere takes a mammoth effort and task. I’ve suggested going to places the children might enjoy like farms or play areas (I do this with my other friends with small children) but I think she prefers to do those sorts of things with her DH which means we try to do the things we always did but we obviously can’t!

She’s always been a bit cynical and glass half empty but funny with it. Now, she’s just quite negative and complains all the time and it does get a bit much.

WIBU not to see her as much? I don’t really enjoy it but I seem to be losing a few friendships recently to be candid.

OP posts:

diodati · 31/01/2018 07:47

Not meaning to be rude but could you be a little bit jealous?

ditavonteesed · 31/01/2018 07:49

yeh ditch her, thats what most of my mates did when I was really struggling with small children. Then when they all had small children they couldn't understand why I wasn't interested.

MyOtherProfile · 31/01/2018 07:50

Sounds pretty normal to me. How old are the children? Pretty small I guess from your post. So much of her mental space will have to go on them now. Could you suggest going out for dinner one evening instead, just the two of you?

MyOtherProfile · 31/01/2018 07:50

She probably thinks she's being helpful not doing kiddy stuff with you and trying to do the old stuff you used to do.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/01/2018 07:52

Not meaning to be rude but could you be a little bit jealous?

Of what?

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 07:52

Dio, possibly a little of that, but I would never actually cut down contact for that reason, if you follow me. That’s not to say I’m not jealous, but by the same token, that’s not why.

Dita funnily enough it’s the other way round for me - all my friends DO have small children.

MyOther she’s breastfeeding so couldn’t (I understand this.)

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 07:52

I don’t think she does MyOther ... not really sure what’s going on there!

OP posts:

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 31/01/2018 07:53

Well if you find her tedious and negative then you're obviously not the friend for her.

Locotion · 31/01/2018 07:53

I don't meet friends with kids when I dont have my own with me. Meet her in thr evening so she can get a break from thr tinies? It is difficult when people are at different stages of life. It is tough having. Interruptions will happen- its unreaslitics to expect those but I find constant kid-talk tiresome too, many do. Up to you innit - do you value her as a friend enough ?

Wonderwoman98 · 31/01/2018 07:56

Why have you lost a few friendships recently?

Locotion · 31/01/2018 07:57

I would say friendships can take backburners for a bit and then rekindle later, in a couple of years. Its not about falling out. Its just normal.
Sounds really stressful going out with toddler and breasfed baby - she must value your friendship to go to all that effort .

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 07:58

Yes, but she doesn’t go out in the evening :) it’s all very well people instructing you do “do this” but if somebody can’t or won’t then what do you do?

As it is we go out for coffee and honestly I have suggested ‘oh, there’s this lovely farm/pond/whatever” and she just says the kids have already been. So I go to hers, wait for an hour and a half for her to finish feeding, then dress them, change them, get all the paraphernalia ready, strap them in, drive to town, get them out, go to a coffee shop then I get maybe two sentences conversation and then we have to go.

It’s not an awful lot of fun and I’m really sorry if saying so makes me horrible. But I realised at the weekend that I just really was not enjoying myself at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 07:59

wonder, I don’t know ... I haven’t fallen out with anybody but I have noticed a few friendships waning I suppose, and I’m not sure why.

OP posts:

restingbemusedface · 31/01/2018 08:00

You sound mean. She is probably trying to cling on to a bit of her old life and you want to ditch her.

Why not ask her if she fancies a night out instead, or just a glass of wine after she puts them to bed.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/01/2018 08:01

Sounds draining OP. Distance yourself for now.

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 08:02

Because she’s breastfeeding and because she doesn’t want to. Can you not see in my posts above I’ve suggested alternatives? I’m not trying to sound rude there, by the way, it’s just that I’m really not a mean person but when I am taking hours and hours out of my free time to do something that ultimately gives me no pleasure I do (anonymously!) question if there’s any point!

OP posts:

MayFayner · 31/01/2018 08:03

and I’m not sure why.

Friendships are give and take.

ditavonteesed · 31/01/2018 08:04

Actually I apologise I realise I took a lot of resentment in my post. Insist on going to more child friendly places, say you want to go but need an excuse. Stay around cause I promise this phase ends and as boring as you find it she probably really needs you right now.

ChasedByBees · 31/01/2018 08:04

You could I guess. Of course the fact that she’s become negative may mean she’s struggling and could do with a friend.

One of my friends did the same and cut contact when my DC were small and I was struggling. I thought she must be a bit of a fairweather friend to not wait for a little while during a time of huge change. I was disappointed and several years later we don’t see each other at all.

You don’t have to stay friends with anyone though.

0hCrepe · 31/01/2018 08:05

You could change your expectations, so just go round to her house and expect it to be about the children. Getting 2 little ones out of the house is very hard work as is going to a coffee shop. You need to help play with the children and not expect any significant level of grown up conversation, for a long time.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/01/2018 08:05

MayFarmer you're right. It is give and take. I'm struggling to see what the friend is giving the OP here.

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 08:06

The implication being that I take and don’t give? Just checking?

Because I am always the one to visit my friends, sometimes involving long and expensive journeys, never them coming here, because they have children.

And I am always happy and even encourage child friendly activities with all of my friends. I know one friend at least is really grateful for that as she has told me so. I have memories of sitting for what felt like forever while my mother had seemingly endless conversations with her friends and I wouldn’t do that to a child which is why if you do want to chat it’s fair to go somewhere that children can play. Obviously you’ll still get interruptions and I understand that.

To be honest increasingly lately I feel like I’m always giving and getting very little in return and as some of the replies on here show god forbid I complain about it because children you know.

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 08:08

Yes but Crepe she wants to and even when I am just round at hers I end up just sitting on the sofa because there’s always something that needs doing and toys for preschoolers tend to be quite loud anyway!

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 08:09

Dita I do know what you mean and I think we’ve probably got more in common than you think. If you’re the first to have a baby in your social group then I can see how that’s really hard. By the same token, I’m the last, and I’m also finding it hard. We probably both feel / felt put out and as if no one really ‘got’ us

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 31/01/2018 08:10

This is just the way her life is right now. Having two small children is tiring and all-consuming. That won't necessarily be any different whether you meet for a coffee in Starbucks or at your local soft play.

I guess it depends on how much you care for her, and whether you're prepared to invest your time being there for her at this difficult life stage for when (if!) she comes out the other side, and gets a bit of her mojo back.

Kudos to you tho for not badgering her to go out drinking after the baby is in bed.

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