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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut down contact with my friend?

91 replies

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 07:45

My friend has two children, just fourteen months apart.

They are lovely. I have no issue with them personally. But if I am honest with myself, I now find her company really tedious.

All conversations revolve around the children -it’s pretty much impossible to talk about anything else because she’s interrupted even if we are talking about something else. Going anywhere takes a mammoth effort and task. I’ve suggested going to places the children might enjoy like farms or play areas (I do this with my other friends with small children) but I think she prefers to do those sorts of things with her DH which means we try to do the things we always did but we obviously can’t!

She’s always been a bit cynical and glass half empty but funny with it. Now, she’s just quite negative and complains all the time and it does get a bit much.

WIBU not to see her as much? I don’t really enjoy it but I seem to be losing a few friendships recently to be candid.

OP posts:

glueandstick · 31/01/2018 08:12

I get you. I have a friend like this. Won’t go anywhere child friendly (our kids are the same age) and complains when they won’t sit still in yet another coffee shop or play up being dragged around a shop.

It’s no fun.

Distance yourself and perhaps in a few years it’ll get better.

Wonderwoman98 · 31/01/2018 08:12

How long have you been friends? Does meeting up always consist of having to go out somewhere or do you ever just pop to her house for a couple of hours? It's difficult because your friendship has obviously changed since the children came along.

glueandstick · 31/01/2018 08:13

Meant to add, this friend just won’t go to a park (pick up coffee on the way) or to a farm park. I hate parks and kiddy attractions as much as the next person but I’m working with what I’ve got.

Sarahh2014 · 31/01/2018 08:14

Tbh you don't sound v tolerant of her current lifestyle,you are better off spending time with other childfree people.P.s it's bloody hard trying to have a life when you've got kids cut her some slack op

Dozer · 31/01/2018 08:15

How old are the DC? If they’re tiny it’s inevitable they’ll be demanding and make adult conversation difficult wherever you are. If she’s not getting much sleep she may just be too exhausted to do anything in the evenings.

Some mothers really dislike farms and play places targeted at families.

If she’s being more negative than usual perhaps she’s struggling. You could highlight this and ask her how she’s doing, or gently change the subject when she moans a lot.

As you’ve decided to reduce contact I would just suggest meeting at her place occasionally, easiest, and also keep suggesting the odd evening or daytime weekend meet up without the DC.

It may be she emerges from this stage and if you then enjoy her company you can pick up the friendship again then.

madeyemoodysmum · 31/01/2018 08:15

Why are you going to coffee shops with toddlers that isn't going to be conducive to conversation why not just stay at her house and you take Cake and she makes coffee

IrenetheQuaint · 31/01/2018 08:18

I've been there. It will get better, and if you still have things in common otherwise it's worth sticking it out. But it does sound very dull and a poor use of your time, so it would be entirely reasonable for you to cut down the visits.

Are you in touch on FB or other social media? Less time-consuming but still keeps the friendship going.

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 08:19

What does cake have to do with anything?

OP posts:

TheGingerSnapped · 31/01/2018 08:19

Take some takeaway coffee and pastries to her place. Ask if you can do anything to help - fold a basket of washing while you chat on the sofa, etc. If she is a good friend, you wouldn't mind doing this - you'd just appreciate the time together.

Idontdowindows · 31/01/2018 08:21

I think there's a bit more than just this one friend, reading your later updates. Sometimes it can feel as if you're the only one doing when your friends have little ones and you don't yet.

It's a period that can be quite tedious and it's a bit of a shame she won't go anywhere child friendly with you, but some parents just don't like those places, even with children. :)

One of my friends with a SN little one travels the country over. One of my other friends find it hard to even cope with just the housework with 2 little ones. One of my other friends won't come near any soft play places because of the germs and still another one spends every day in there for lunch break to catch up with someone.

So you work with what you have and if you value the friendship, then this blip will be overcome too. Yes, if you're the only one without children it can feel as if you're the only one trying, but that is just how it is right now.

Original poster

yellowbirds11 · 31/01/2018 08:21

I’ve explained this so many times now and we’re not getting anywhere.

If I stay at hers I am sat in the sofa watching as she changes nappies, sings songs, plays with toys, washes up and so on.

It doesn’t matter.

OP posts:

ditavonteesed · 31/01/2018 08:23

Hey mine are teenagers now and everyone with small kids wants to hang out with us cause they keep the small kids entertained. Lots of adult chat round here, I do feel slightly resentful that I didnlt have any support from my friends when mine where at that stage but it's easing up slowly.

Lottapianos · 31/01/2018 08:24

It sounds to me like you have cut her loads of slack OP. You have obviously tried hard to keep this friendship going but you feel like you're not getting very much in return. Totally reasonable to feel a bit disillusioned

I have a similar situation with a friend. Things just haven't been the same between us since she had children. I won't go into details but I have decided to take a big step back. We're still in touch but I don't see her very often now. Maybe things will get better in a few years, maybe they won't. I'm keeping an open mind. Friendships can ebb and flow over the years and I think that's normal. Women are under enormous pressure to be massive cheerleaders for each other at all times, especially if one of you has had children. Well life just isn't that simple. That's a long winded way of saying, I get it

IrenetheQuaint · 31/01/2018 08:25

OP - ignore the posters who expect you to suck absolutely anything up because she's a mum and you're not. It's not helpful. Sounds like you are already cutting your friend lots of slack. Cut your visits down to once or twice a year and go to a nice exhibition or something instead

Cockmagic · 31/01/2018 08:26

You're a crap friend!

Lottapianos · 31/01/2018 08:26

What a helpful comment Cock off you pop

Kitsharrington · 31/01/2018 08:27

You're getting a hard time here OP, probably because most of the people on this thread have small children and find it hard to see things from another perspective. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to accommodate your friend but it's not working out. Your outings sound boring as hell, but it's only going to be for a short amount of time, she'll probably come back eventually. It depends if the friendship is ultimately worth it for you to keep in touch and bide your time until she is ready to go out with you sans kids. If not, then don't.

Isadora2007 · 31/01/2018 08:27

Do. What it is YOU want out of the friendship? Can’t you chat around the noise and bustle of her home life? Just join in. Don’t stay on he sofa if she isn’t off doing dishes, just roll up your sleeves and get stuck in. Get involved with the toddler- bring a new book or a mini aqua doodle for them and embrace the madness that is young children alongside your friend. Yes she may forget what she was talking about but just remind her- carry on the conversation. You may feel the person she was is being lost but she is in there still, just being submerged a bit in the role of Mummy.
Keep up messenger contact as you can often talk better via that and know what’s going on in both of your lives.
Good luck. You sound like a good friend.

FrancisCrawford · 31/01/2018 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peatree24 · 31/01/2018 08:28

What about if you get down on the floor and sing songs, play with toys or do the washing up for her while she changes nappies?

It does sound tedious but its a stage that passes quite quickly and she will most likely be glad of the help AND the company. Its good that you do try to get her out (although coffee shops are a terrible idea unless they have a soft play area) as she's probably got a bit of cabin fever with 2 such small ones.

is there any way to ask her what SHE wants to do - how about a fantasy day out for her? Could some one take care of the kids? Could you take care of the kids while she goes out and does something? Any of those things might make her feel as though she's had a holiday and improve things.

Minestheoneinthegreen · 31/01/2018 08:28

Op, I completely get it. Sounds boring as fuck and for everyone wading on to say you are being selfish, I think you are being a good friend by trying to persevere and getting nothing back from her. I'd just keep in contact through text or phone calls so she knows you still love her and just wait for her to get out of her child obsessive phase. Most people do eventually.

IrenetheQuaint · 31/01/2018 08:28

I once lost a friend because she became a total child-obsessive when she had 2 under 3 and literally couldn't think about or discuss anything else. In retrospective I should have tried harder to stick it out, but my visits were so horrifically dull and I felt like such a spare part that I just couldn't bear it.

However, I have managed to maintain a decent relationship with my other friends who've had children - but it required give and take on both sides in the early years (the 'both sides' bit is crucial IMO). Sounds like you know this, OP - you're clearly not one of the child-haters one sees on here occasionally who refuses to go anywhere near a toddler then wonders why the mother doesn't want to see you any more.

PipGirl404 · 31/01/2018 08:29

OP all you're going to get are het up mothers taking offence that you'd even think of implying mothers with small children can be selfish and let their life be taken over.

It sounds a lot like you're doing all the giving and getting nothing back, you don't have to just suck it up and you don't have to just stick around because she has 2 young kids she chose to have.

I always made the time for my friends when DD was a little one, it was important to me to see them and keep up a friendship and remind them despite being tied up in child bearing I was still there for them. It doesn't take much.

Sounds like you should maybe take a step back from making so much effort for her and see how it pans out. Wait for her to suggest you make plans, and see what she suggests.

Trying2bgd · 31/01/2018 08:29

OP, you are not BU. This period in friendship can be tricky, her priorities and energies are invested elsewhere. It does get better but not soon! So yes I think you should see her less although don’t cut contact completely. This will do you both of you some good and allow you both to open yourself up to new people who are more peers of the current life stage you are experiencing. I’m sure she does appreciate you though.

becotide · 31/01/2018 08:31

Visiting her is tedious because he life is tedious. I thikn your friend has unrealistic expectations of how much fun it is to do 'normal' things with small children in tow.

if you want to spend time with her (and I wouldn't blame you for giving up here) I'd insist on somewhere like a soft play cafe, because (counterintuintively) you get far more time to chat because the kids will go away and leave you alone for a bit. And ignore the sanctimummies who PLAY with their children in soft play cafes, they is absolutely not the point of them

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