To cut down contact with my friend?

[yellowbirds11]

My friend has two children, just fourteen months apart.

They are lovely. I have no issue with them personally. But if I am honest with myself, I now find her company really tedious.

All conversations revolve around the children -it’s pretty much impossible to talk about anything else because she’s interrupted even if we are talking about something else. Going anywhere takes a mammoth effort and task. I’ve suggested going to places the children might enjoy like farms or play areas (I do this with my other friends with small children) but I think she prefers to do those sorts of things with her DH which means we try to do the things we always did but we obviously can’t!

She’s always been a bit cynical and glass half empty but funny with it. Now, she’s just quite negative and complains all the time and it does get a bit much.

WIBU not to see her as much? I don’t really enjoy it but I seem to be losing a few friendships recently to be candid.

It does sound draining and she is not a good friend if all she talks about is herself and the children. Even if you have kids, you still have to make an effort to at least show interest in your friends. If you don't, you can't really expect them to stick around.

The OP has suggested loads of child-friendly activities so I am not sure why all the negative comments. OP, I am not sure what you can do. Was she always self-involved before she had kids? I had friends like this. Before kids everything centred around them and after kids, it was all about the kids. The common factor was that they didn't really give a shit about me or my life so I had to ask what I was getting out of the friendship.

Op youre getting s hard time.I don't know why.You have offered to go to child friendly pls.She won't go.Youve offered to meet at night.She won't go.

I really don't know what else you can do.Maybe step back a bit.I had 3 under 4 at one time.It was hard but that's down to me, not up to my friends to do all the compromises.

I think you’re getting an unreasonably hard time OP! Her life revolves around her kids, you don’t have children. That makes it hard to meet up and have a mutually beneficial friendship unless you both take the time to consider the other’s needs - and in this scenario, you are doing all the compromising to fit in with her.

Most of my friends have kids and I don’t - generally we plan to either have child-focused and fun meet ups together (which I enjoy too) or some child-free time together going out for dinner etc. I think both are needed to fully invest in a friendship and keep it healthy. If you’re the one always initiating contact, then not doing so as much is an easy way to back off a little bit without doing anything dramatic.

If anything, I found it happened the other way and my friends with kids favoured other mums to meet up with, even though I really love kids and am very happy to spend time with them. I just felt left out a lot.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, I hadn’t 2 under 2 and wouldn’t expect my friends to drag round shops with me or watch me wash up. I think you’ve tried quite hard to suggest better things to do.
Can you see her in the evening? Go to hers. I preferred people doing that as I did actually want a
Chat myself, I certainly didn’t want to talk endlessly about my kids.
You are not a crap friend.

If I stay at hers I am sat in the sofa watching as she changes nappies, sings songs, plays with toys, washes up and so on.

What is she meant to do though? She has two small children to look after.
She probably doesn't want to go to farm type places as it's harder to keep an eye on toddlers in these places so even less chance to talk.
If you want to take a step back then there's nothing stopping you but if she's always got the kids and is bf there's not a whole lot she can do about it.

Op, I have two boys, 12 months apart and it is so consuming of my brain and time that it's hard to get off the merry-go-round. It may be the only chance she's had to wash up all day. Think of a duck looking all serene on the water but paddling ferociously underneath.

That said, I agree with taking cakes. Maybe could you say 'lets gossip for half hour and then I'll help you tidy/distract toddler while you tidy'

I don't think you're in the wrong at all and wouldn't blame you if you cut back on seeing your friend but she can't help it at the moment, I think

Sounds very tedious. The fact she wont do something to involve the kids suggests shes probably wanting that part of her back thats not mum. I know that feeling and its exhausting for everyone.

If you want to keep the friendship then maybe be honest. Say its quite stressful and you can see the kids are bored so you are happy to go somewhere like softplay or a park. Make it clear you are finding it stressful. If she still pushes then try once more and then cut back. That way she can think about what youve told her before going out and see it with fresh eyes.

OP all you're going to get are het up mothers taking offence that you'd even think of implying mothers with small children can be selfish and let their life be taken over.

Not understanding how it's selfish for your life to be taken over by your kids, kind of the opposite of selfish really.

My best mate from school had kids well before l did - l had several years of nursing a coffee while she pottered around the kitchen fielding infants and grumbling gently. Fast forward a few years and we changed places. Now both sets of sprogs are bigger and we have lunch and whinge about work and what not. It's a phase, just lower your expectations and hang in there - she'll come back to herself eventually!

I completely get it OP. I realise this suggestion is more if you being the one to give but could you perhaps make a lasagne or an easily transportable dish. Or something from 'Cook!' And offer to take it to her after bedtimes for supper one evening? Once they're down she might be more relaxed?

I agree it all sounds very boring and draining. You're not a crap friend. It's different when you have kids too and at the same stage as your friend, but she's just not in the position to go places or do things at the moment.

Friendships change and people move on - I don't think cutting back on a friendship is necessarily a bad thing. THe OP's friend is giving her nothing at the moment, friendship has to be a two way thing and for the OP it's not.

Can I ask how old the kids are btw?

Completely agree with feckless. She's in a fug of babies and probably doesn't have much space to give anymore. She'll come out of it and desperately want a boozy lunch with you soon...

You are obviously at totally different stages in your lives. She will find it easier to spend time with other mums and you should look for new friends who don’t have children. This is the normal way of life. Some friends must drop away to make way for new friends.

Don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP. You sound like a great friend who goes out of their way to keep connections with your friends even as their life stages have changed. It must be so frustrating and upsetting that this friendship is struggling despite your efforts.

Can I ask where her partner is in all this? I imagine it would be easier to meet up in a coffee shop (so she can feel she still has her old life) with just the baby. I used to do this quite a bit so I could actually get time to talk to my friends.

I'd even go on overnight visits with the baby leaving older kids at home with their dad so I could get quality time with my friends. It worked well, and my friends really appreciated the efforts I made to make sure our friendship was nourished.

Would your friend be open to finding a time when her partner takes the toddler and you meet up with baby?

You've just got to wait it out I'm afraid. I have two children, 16 months apart and while most of my friends also now have children (I was amongst the last to get started), I have two really close friends who don't, and probably won't. One has been a friend for nigh on 30 years and one for just over 20. The one I've been friends with for 30 years has basically disappeared - despite having promised the moon and the earth in terms of support once I had children. My time is obviously more restricted, but if she suggested meeting up, I'd go back with dates I could do. I gave up eventually due to lack of response. I've been living in my house for nearly five years and I think she's been here twice. I don't live any great distance from her.

The other, I definitely saw less of for a while, but checked in with long phone calls and now we regularly see each other for dinner and she comes out to see us sometimes at the weekend. My children are 4 & 5 so frankly, the idea of trying to have an adult conversation in a restaurant is a non-starter. But spending time with us a family, and getting to know the girls, is something I know she enjoys - she also gets a kick out of seeing me as a mum (apparently I'm more patient than she ever thought I'd be ).

Some friendships survive and some don't. I think I continued to make an effort, but the fact is, when you're in the weeds with small children, your focus is elsewhere, and to be honest, has irrevocably changed.

I don’t think yabu at all either. I have an under 2 and an almost 5yr old. One of my friends wants me to ditch my kids when I clearly have no childcare and actually told me ‘you smell like your kid, put perfume on’ When clarified, she meant I smell like baby shampoo- well yeah, cause I’d used it, and my dc was freshly bathed and dressed too. But she meant it to insult me, that the yummy baby smell isn’t attractive... don’t get so close then??
I’ve backed off from her a lot.

Conversely, a friend who’s kids are 10+years older than my eldest pops round every week for a natter and we have our takeaway nights every six weeks or so- proper adult time and we can talk about anything without nosy ears around. I love her, she’s amazing, she just gets it.

If the first friend I mentioned was like you I’d be over the moon. I’d be backing off too given what you describe.

Yanbu

I'd also re suggest a night to meet her for supper so you can catch up.

I think it's great you have suggested meeting at farms and The like as more child friendly venues.

What you are describing sounds tedious especially as you're offering alternatives.

I'd only occasionally put myself through that.

As my children are now late primary and secondary age this stage is long gone but I do remember it and I remember friends of mine having children before me also. I think you have to ask yourself if you actually want to remain friends or if you're doing it out of some sort of loyalty.

Some friends last a life time sometime and I have two friends in totally different stages from me but somehow we got through I helped with the toddler years, helping bathing her children etc once they were in bed we would have a nice gossip but until they were in bed there wasn't any chance of that, that's life I'm afraid.

I have another friend who has no children and for awhile things were a bit strained I can see from her side I probably went AWOL for a bit but now my kids are a lot older things of got back on track and relationship is more like the old days we do stuff in the evenings without kids and sometimes we meet with the kids but not that often as it's a bit boring for her although the last time she was crying with laughter at my son as he is very entertaining.

However I do feel from the tone of your replies to people that you are cutting them dead and perhaps not willing to listen or accept your part in this. Has your friend a partner or is she single mother?

Neither of us have ever been much into going out drinking to be honest: maybe when we were both a lot younger but not since mid twenties.

I don’t think she’d be interested in anything I cooked, she prefers to do that sort of stuff herself.

Madeye,I’m not sure why you say that - I don’t cut anybody dead! Friend has a husband.

"Not understanding how it's selfish for your life to be taken over by your kids, kind of the opposite of selfish really."

It's selfish because you subsume yourself in the world of mummydom to avoid the effort of socialising or supporting your friends. It's EASY to love your children and sometimes it's easier to ONLY love your children and fuck the world off. That's selfish

Breastfeeding doesn't stop you from going out for dinner, drinks, dancing. I even had a bottle-refusing Bf baby, and I expressed so that he could have my milk from a cup when I went out (many babies take to this far more naturally than bottles). I had to do an overnight business trip when he was small and we managed that too. Believe me- they take it from their dad if they're hungry! And once they start onto solids the milk becomes less of an issue anyway. How old is the youngest? I wonder if your friend is using the BFing as an excuse, as she just doesn't want to say to you that she'd rather be at home than out at night- I went though a phase like this when I had post natal anxiety when my youngest was about 5/6 months. Or perhaps she really does have a baby who simply will not take milk from anyone else, in which case I think you are being unduly harsh and lacking understanding.

It sounds like a really frustrating situation OP, and I can tell that you are really trying. I do think you perhaps need to focus your efforts more for now on tolerance and patience, rather than trying to make a square peg fit a round hole. Things change when you have kids and they never go back to the pre-kids way, although you can still have and enjoy (to a degree!) elements of that former life with your friends after a while. It won't be forever. If you love her, you're going to have to wait a while or manage your expectations downwards for a while.

I think for now shorten your visits. Don't have as much time. Just do the hour and half at home 'just got time to pop in and see you how you're doing you and the kids'.
I think also widen your own social circle so you're having a bit more fun with friends more available to socialise.
Don't ditch her though x

Most of my friends dont have kids. I make the effort to socialise when they are in bed- friends can come over and enjoy a glass of wine after 8pm. Or put the kids in the pram and go for a walk= peace to talk. Cant the kids go to grandma for an afternoon while you go to coffee? YANBU.