To cut down contact with my friend?

[yellowbirds11]

My friend has two children, just fourteen months apart.

They are lovely. I have no issue with them personally. But if I am honest with myself, I now find her company really tedious.

All conversations revolve around the children -it’s pretty much impossible to talk about anything else because she’s interrupted even if we are talking about something else. Going anywhere takes a mammoth effort and task. I’ve suggested going to places the children might enjoy like farms or play areas (I do this with my other friends with small children) but I think she prefers to do those sorts of things with her DH which means we try to do the things we always did but we obviously can’t!

She’s always been a bit cynical and glass half empty but funny with it. Now, she’s just quite negative and complains all the time and it does get a bit much.

WIBU not to see her as much? I don’t really enjoy it but I seem to be losing a few friendships recently to be candid.

YANBU, OP.

i'd cut right back from meeting her, for now, with maybe a view to phasing out the 'friendship' entirely.
she sounds very self absorbed.

But teh op has offered alternatives and the friend isnt interested.I also bf and went out,away for weekends.It would depend on the age of the youngest.Newborn cant do much,6 months leave them wiht dad for an hour.It seems to me shes giving it all to her kids but leaving nothing for her friends.Which is alright now.But when the kids are older,she wont have anyone to go round wiht.

YANBU. I have two young dc, one of whom sleeps very little. Never in a million years would I expect a friend to fit into my plans every time, play on the floor with the dc, help me with washing up, fold some ironing etc. Why on earth would I?

You've suggested more suitable places to meet and if she's not taking you up on it the only other thing I could suggest is maybe making more brief visits to her - no more than an hour a time, just at her home. Maybe she'll relax if she knows she's not expected to go anywhere and then the washing/changing/playing doesn't need to happen right at the time of your visit?

If she's still not really engaging with you then I'd definitely step back a bit. You can be a decent friend even when overwhelmed by dc, and ignoring a mate when they've come to see you, isn't it.

I’ve explained this so many times now and we’re not getting anywhere.

If I stay at hers I am sat in the sofa watching as she changes nappies, sings songs, plays with toys, washes up and so on.

It doesn’t matter.

This comes across as a bit stroppy to me Sorry. Just how I read it.

If I stay at hers I am sat in the sofa watching as she changes nappies, sings songs, plays with toys, washes up and so on

That’s what life is like with two small children. It will improve as they get older, but YABU to expect her to be able to meet up like you used to when her children are small. Up to you if you want to wait around for them to get old enough to amuse themselves, YWNBU to decide you couldn’t be bothered.

You’ve studiously avoided answering the many PPs who’ve asked how old her kids are - is that because one of them is really young? Under six months young?

I haven't read all replies! This isn't fair. Ask her out for dinner, bring breast feeding baby and leave toddler at home. If she says " no" that's grand. Repeat every so often. If she keeps saying " no", that's on her.
I love my friends company but there is nothing I hated more than when they called to my house. I would try and put them off but one friend in particular would keep calling. So she'd sit there while I sturugglef with food, nappies, tantrums, mess etc while she quietly judged we barely had time to exchange 2 sentences. What was the point.
I also resented the friend who always brought her toddler to lunch and expected us to fawn over him while I had left my children at home. I really loved that adult time. YANBU, you sound like a great friend. If it comes to it take a step back but don't disappear. She's very busy now but won't always be.

Life with young kids is tedious. She may be struggling, she may just not like farms etc, I find them stressful, keeping an eye of toddler etc and trying to entertain a little one etc. If you are not getting anything from th friendship then you don't have to continue it.
I have no family close by so sometimes meeting friends alone is hard, my life does revolve around my kids, not because I'm selfish but because generally I have no choice most of the time. My closest friend doesn't have kids, she'll pop round, bring cake, play with the toddler and we have a chat over a cuppa, it might not be exciting but I really appreciate her more than anything.

You’ve studiously avoided answering the many PPs who’ve asked how old her kids are - is that because one of them is really young? Under six months young?

I suspect the fact that op mentions there's 14 months between them means that the youngest is a young baby. Most people probably wouldn't remember how many months exactly was between their friends two kids unless one was quite recently born.

@becotide how do you know she's done it to avoid socialising? She has (a maybe very young) bf baby and a toddler, she may have very little childcare, baby could be a bottle refuser, she could be completely exhausted.
Most mums I know would love a chance to socialise more but for some it's just not possible.

Yes, the age of the DC is important missing info. As is how much sleep this (probably) new mother is getting and how her health is.

I don't think it's that important TBH. It's clear she's talking about small children.

It makes no odds to the OP whether she's changing and feeding a 2 month old or a 9 month old.

My friends used to come round with a takeaway while DS went to bed. Then I did the same for them (I was the first to have a DC).

Does your friend live close enough to do that op?

I´m a good bit older than you, judging from what you've written and I've been there as the childless friend when my friends had small children. As some posters have said, it is a phase in life. Small children are all-consuming. In a few years time, she will start wanting to go out/ do adult activities again. I remember when it first started, I did wonder if I were going to lose all my friendships, but really it was only a few years.

I suggest you keep in touch with your friend but explore other activities and meet other people who you can spend time with. Work on expanding your social circle.

I think the age is important - I suspect we are talking about a very young baby too, and OP isn’t telling us because she knows it would make her look unreasonable.

And it’s pretty unreasonable to moan that your friend is distracted by her baby when said baby is only two weeks old. An 18month old and a nearly-four year old is a totally different situation.

The age of the kids also impacts how long this has been going on - if the friend has been unavailable for a month or so after giving birth, OP is BVU. Friend may not even be recovered enough physically to drive yet. If it’s been going on for over a year with no sign of improvement, I can see why OP might be thinking about giving up.