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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School Mum 'cliques'

90 replies

sunshinestorm · 30/01/2018 23:04

Just off the back of another thread and out of curiosity... I hear a lot of people talking about cliques in the playground at school run time. Is this only a thing in larger primary schools? My DS's school is fairly small (one single class of around 30 per year group) which doesn't give enough scope for cliques to really form in my opinion as there aren't enough parents per year group, especially when you take into account quite a few parents work so alternate between Mum and dad who does the pick up/grandparent or childminder does the pick up.. it just means there aren't these armies of intimidating mums I seem to read about?

OP posts:

Unemfuckingployable · 30/01/2018 23:05

I have wondered this too, and I think cliques are in the eye of the beholder. Either that or I’m in one without realising.

Dogsmom · 30/01/2018 23:19

My dd's reception class only has 17 children in so not many parents at all, everyone gets on however there are definite friendship groups, a few know each other from post natal group, a couple have older children there and I'm closer to 3 other Mum's because our children were at nursery together.
Although everyone says hi to each other we do tend to stand in our smaller groups and chat, I don't think it's cliquey but maybe those parents who stand on their own might think it is.

Singlebutmarried · 30/01/2018 23:20

Just switched from a large primary school to a much smaller one. Much less cliquey. Much more pleasant.

ThisLittleKitty · 30/01/2018 23:32

There 700 kids in my children's primary school and I haven't noticed any "cliques" never heard them mentioned IRL either only online.

TiredBefuddledRose · 31/01/2018 12:53

I think sometimes people let their own insecurities influence how they view other people's friendship groups.

Marcine · 31/01/2018 12:54

I think people tend to stand with/chat to their friends

Trinity66 · 31/01/2018 12:56

I don't know, either my DH or my mother did the school pickups for my kids so I never really was around the school gates at pick up time. The only real contact I have/had with mothers was those ones who my kids were friends with

hungryhippo90 · 31/01/2018 13:01

We have cliques at our school!

We have the PTA clique-
We have a Romanian clique-
A polish clique-
An Indian clique-
Then there’s the clique of grandmothers who take their GCs into school and collect.
Then there’s the unemployed lot, who maybe aren’t even a clique, but they all kind of hang around together and take the piss out of the “better off”

Then there are others who kind of float about and sometimes get spoken to if the PTA need help.

I’m a floater :-)

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2018 13:04

I think for cliques you can read "loose friendship groups"

I Never was part of one as I worked and my daughter went to a private Surrey hills school, where there were many stay at home mums, so I was always in a rush, I went and chatted to whatever mums I recognised if I was there waiting or at school events . I never saw them as cliques, simply a bunch of mums who chatted together and I never gave it a second thought. I knew one mum didn't like me as she gave off that vibe, but I really didn't give a shit and chattted anyway to whomever was there. I just assumed she was weird.

But it seems some folks are intimated by seeing groups of women and see it as an exclusive clique and would not go up and join them. I think it's more an insecurity thing, but I'm not sure as I didnt have those feelings.

Fuckyrhobnobs · 31/01/2018 13:05

I've been a mum at a few different primary schools and never noticed any cliques

I have no doubt they exist somewhere, but I suspect most of the "ugh, cliquey school mums" posts are written by the same posters who in high school would have been all "ugh, groups of friends having fun at the cinema, enjoy your popcorn sheeple, I must practice looking enigmatic as I clutch my copy of On the Road.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/01/2018 13:05

Cliques to me are just groups of friends.

Caken · 31/01/2018 13:10

I don’t see it as cliques, just separate friendship groups which is a natural part of social life. But perhaps I’m in a clique and blind to it all

NerrSnerr · 31/01/2018 13:14

Why wouldn't people talk to the People they're friendly with? They're not cliques, just friends.

WorkingBling · 31/01/2018 13:19

Until recently, I'd have said cliques were in the eye of the beholder, not the people in them. Because it seems to me that you naturally gravitate to people in the school playground but usually that doesn't mean there's any conscious exclusion of others who aren't part of that crowd....

.... and then I had a fall out with a woman who has this slightly odd leadership vibe of a group of parents going on. Now, the rest of the clique did not for a second act weird around me or exclude me or anything, (and in fact, I've never had so many people comment on or like facebook posts of pictures of my children or dog before) but I have noticed a lack of social events. And I think it's simply because this other woman tends to initiate social stuff, and is also the person who sets up WhatsApp groups. And as she's not talking to me or including me, I'm not getting them.

Can't say I care at all. Mostly I just wish I had some psychology training in group behaviour because it's really fascinating to watch.

Thistlebelle · 31/01/2018 13:25

It’s mostly about perspective. And confidence.

I’ve heard people at our school talking about “alpha mums”. The women they were talking about we just a nice group of friends that usually stood together chatting.

They were perfectly friendly and happy to talk to new people.

And yes some of them were on the PTO and some of them volunteered in school but that’s a nice thing and good for the school.

The women themselves certainly didn’t make a big thing about it or mention it regularly.

Those complaining about them, never made any effort to get to know them, never volunteered for anything, never attended class nights out.

They just liked to moan. And glare.

The “alpha Mums” have no awareness that they are the subject of such vitriol,

Sppapp · 31/01/2018 13:31

It’s mostly about perspective. And confidence.

I felt like there were cliques at DS1's class. I was new to the area, shy, didn't know anyone and I wasn't working. I felt like everyone else had "mum friends" and no-one was really speaking to me.

I have never felt like this with DS2 even though it's the same school and only 4 years on. But then I was older, more confident and also working so don't have time to hang about and think about what the other parents are doing.

So yes, I think it's definitely about perspective.

Billben · 31/01/2018 13:32

Then there’s the unemployed lot, who maybe aren’t even a clique, but they all kind of hang around together and take the piss out of the “better off”

Who effectively pay their benefits 😡
And they wonder why people in general have a problem with them.

NorthernLightsAlways · 31/01/2018 13:33

there are definitely friendship groups - mums whose children were at the nursery attached to the school from age 3 and have gone all the way through, mums that share particular views about how to raise children (attachment parents), those are as hard to break into as any friendship group. IME most people have a network and they're not especially keen to expand it when time poor with small kids, they're not part of some evil scheme.

Also when there is a hot topic, you're always going to have people that disagree and take it personally because their children are involved, hard to be a dispassionate as you would be at work.

hungryhippo90 · 31/01/2018 13:38

Billben- oh you know the sort then?

I was quite slow on the uptake when we moved here, but I didn’t really need to realise much except when I got sniggered at too! :-/ I actually feel quite sorry for them, as they’re the only ones who create bad feeling and I think it comes from a sense of inferiority.

Skowvegas · 31/01/2018 13:38

there are definitely friendship groups - mums whose children were at the nursery attached to the school from age 3 and have gone all the way through

I'm in one of those friendship groups. We don't do a school run any more, and haven't in years. But our children are on teams together, in classes together, etc.

I don't think anyone actively pushes out other people, but if we're at a school event we tend to talk to each other because we're pleased to see each other for the first time in a while.

I can see how that could be intimidating but as you say there's no evil scheme.

WorkingBling · 31/01/2018 13:39

I think there's a big difference between groups of parents who are similar, have shared history etc who choose to hang out together and the connotations of the word "clique" which suggests unfriendly, bitchy and exclusive. I think if you don't know anyone, it can seem very cliquey because all these other parents are hanging around chatting and not making an effort. But in most cases, given the chance, I find they're perfectly friendly.

Having said that, it's also true that people get to the point where they can't be bothered to make new friends. And I've seen that. And understand it. But also feel sorry for anyone who is new and doesn't have friends and would like to be included.

elisaveta · 31/01/2018 13:39

I think they definitely exist. And I speak as one who isn't bothered at all by this, as I have friends away from the playground and a fantastic set of colleagues. It was particularly noticeable in a small village primary school, where things like how long your family had lived in the village mattered enormously. There were numerous small incidents that made it clear we didn't matter - like the mother who shoved an RSVP to a party in my hand on the morning of the party itself, and just walked off saying 'They're not coming' before going off to join her group; or the mothers who refused to respond to my small talk when we were at the same table making Christmas wreaths, but who merrily joined in with their 10 year old daughters' commentary on how crap my wreath was (which actually I found quite funny - and to be fair it was crap.) They were good friends with party woman. Party woman's daughters were nice enough to my kids, which is all I really cared about. Wreath women's weren't - but at the same time they weren't dreadful. Whole thing too perplexing and weird to worry about too much.

Springtrolls · 31/01/2018 13:41

Yea some parents really don't want to let others in. Say hi to them, and they look in the other direction or look at you like shit.
Some are worse and ignore you for years, then find out what you do and they want to be all over your arse. Invites come from all directions.

These things really do happen.

strugglingtodomybest · 31/01/2018 13:43

I never noticed any cliques at my son's primary. I stood with my friends, other people stood with their friends. We all said hello to each other but surely it's natural to want to catch up with your actual friends in those 10 mins of waiting around?

megletthesecond · 31/01/2018 13:44

There's only one at our school, similar to the bitchy girls at school. Easily avoided.

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