School Mum 'cliques'

[sunshinestorm]

Just off the back of another thread and out of curiosity... I hear a lot of people talking about cliques in the playground at school run time. Is this only a thing in larger primary schools? My DS's school is fairly small (one single class of around 30 per year group) which doesn't give enough scope for cliques to really form in my opinion as there aren't enough parents per year group, especially when you take into account quite a few parents work so alternate between Mum and dad who does the pick up/grandparent or childminder does the pick up.. it just means there aren't these armies of intimidating mums I seem to read about?

It baffles me that so many people seem to think that other people are standing there thinking deeply about them and judging them. It seems narcissistic almost - why would a person in the playground think anything about you, unless you kicked them in the shins or something? Chances are they hardly even notice you - they have their own life going on and it's likely they don't have the time, energy or motivation to give a shiny shit about many other people, never mind a random school mum. Honestly I think some people need to get over themselves a bit.

And if you do think that school mums are standing there thinking awful things about you, surely the only response is to conclude that they're a bunch of weirdos who are best avoided? I mean, what sort of person does actively think negative things about people they barely know?? Generally pretty odd people who need a wide berth I think.

Intake of 15 per year at our school and yes there are cliques. ..well more like 2 opposing cliques.

Started as 1 in nursery...I wasn't invited into said clique as I had a falling out with the leader before school started.

By yr1 they had fallen out and broken into 2 cliques. Only then did one group start talking to me with the "oh you fell out with clique leader didn't you " obviously wanted gossip or something to use against her so when I said it was nothing and I didn't care if she had slagged me off I wasn't going to bad mouth her...they left me too it and I am happy to say I am a floater still in yr5. But the cliques seem to have disbanded...

So cliques can happen in small schools as well as large.

Is it really "cliques" though? I hate it when people moan about this, as I genuinely see it as non other than people who are friends!

When DS started school I knew nobody. There was a few mums who knew each other so naturally stood together from the start but everyone else was on their own. I either could have kept myself to myself everyday and not talk to others, therefor excluding myself and more than likely in time seeing groups form and see them as cliquey, or make the effort to get to know the same people I'll see every day. I made the effort and 2 years on, there's a group of us who are very good friends both at school and outside of it.

I think it's a shame that in any other situation, your merely a group of friends, but if you dare make friends on the school run, it's not a friendship, it's a clique

The thing is on mumsnet you can’t win. I am friendly and chatty and aware that not everyone finds it’s easy and what not, so I try really hard to make sure I am smiley and try and include people in conversion if we are queuing for class etc (rather than just chatting to friends). But you can guarantee there is then another thread on mumsnet from someone saying ‘oh I hate the school run and everyone trying to chat to me and include me in stuff. Don’t people understand that others just want to collect kid and get back to life and not arrange play dates or help with PTA stuff’

So basically I give up and just talk to my friends and try to be smiley and friendly to anyone new or anyone who looks a bit lost. I am probably doing that wrong too 😕

They become more apparent if you're new to the school and /or towards junior school age. My kids school is really cliquey as in groups of parents who all start to look alike, all get the same dog, all hang out all the time, and most annoyingly when they expect and influence the children to only be friends with the rest of the cliques kids.
I was probably in a bit of a clique when my middle was in reception and annoyingly now most of us are back at work , kids opposite sides of school or have moved away so I'm very conscious on the days I pick up of other stronger groups.
I have to say it's the one thing I didn't miss in my old job when I was never back for school pick up.

The difference between a clique and a friendship group is that cliques exclude people at the very least, sometimes they also display behaviours that could only be described as bullying.

At my DC school there's all sorts of groups, some loose friendship groups, some child minder groups, some sporty parent groups who arrive fresh from a run they really do run and not just wear active wear! and probably others.

All of the above groups are happy with people drifting in or out of the groups to chat or for children to play together.

The cliques (we have 2 very obvious ones) are like a club with exclusive membership. Your child will not be permitted to mingle with their child because you aren't a clique member. You can't strike a conversation with them because they'll literally turn the cold shoulder on you.

I couldn't care less that they are so pathetic but to deny their existence is just ridiculous. They are real but not worth the energy to worry about.

If you're friendly and smiley then you're definitely not amongst those being described as cliquey. There's a massive difference between people who are generally pleasant but chat to their friends, and those who go out of their way to make sure that people realise that they're not wanted. The latter are those who people complain about. They don't exist in every playground. I've experienced them in two out of the four playgrounds my children were in, and found them more funny than upsetting. (The post about acceptable professions and lifestyles etc is definitely on the mark.) But if I were lonely or lacking in confidence in some way I'd be more upset, I think.

I find it extraordinary that the people on here meaning about cliques are actual grown women. There are no cliques. If people are talking to each other it's because they're friends. If you'd like to join in then go and chat nicely to them instead of all this ludicrous projecting. If you think someone's giving you a dirty look they're not. They probably can't even see you, and just happen to be looking in your general area while they worry about the ironing or what's for dinner or whatever. Grow the fuck up.

I'm not sure they are 'cliques' as such. It's just some people are nicer/ friendlier than others. My DS is part of a social circle and is in same teams etc outside school. All of the Mum's see each other socially but I don't get invited. I've tried over the years to be friendly, helpful etc but really it's obvious my face just doesn't fit. I used to care but Im over it now and smile just get on with things.
To be honest it's so weird because I'm bloody hilarious! Oh well it's their loss....

Love the bullying on here for those who do find themselves on the outside of it all to "grow the fuck up" and the like. Can spot the ones who liked to be the mean girls at school.

Well, yes. I was pretty taken aback by the hostility of 'grow the fuck up' too. Pretty unnecessary.

The difference between cliques and friendship groups is that members of a clique are closed off to non-members and that the relationships between clique members are hierarchical and often based on fear of falling out of grace with the 'Queen bee(s)' and being banished from the group. The cliquey group is ultimately dysfunctional, there is destructive gossip galore and people fall out eventually as no sane person will accept being dominated by another mum indefinitely. Or somewhat.

In a nutshel a clique is a friendship group with one or more self obsessed bitchy people in it, and an ordinary bunch of friends is a group of normal, nice people who just get on. It's usually pretty obvious what's what.

For years I didn’t do drop off or pick ups because my exh was sahd and I was working. Then when we split it fell to me. I was TERRIFED walking into that playground for the first time. I knew no one and having been bullied mercilessly when I was at school I found it very intimidating.

I stood alone for quite a while, conscious of curious looks from other parents. Eventually one asked me where ex was and I explained (DV). Then I was inundated with people making the effort to smile and say hi. I also learnt about all the shit exh had been saying about me! But I still felt too awkward to join them. I’d stay alone and only speak if spoken to. I didn’t want to ‘intrude’

Then one day it was raining so everyone was under this pagoda thing chatting. I went in as well and I don’t know WHAT came over me but I just blurted something out and before I knew it was in full conversation with them all.

Now I talk to anyone and everyone. There are definite friendship groups, some of them are a little too over invested in each other’s lives in my opinion, it’s a bit like listening to eastenders at times! But I have adopted a policy of just chatting with whoever is there without getting too involved in any drama.

If I want to talk to someone I talk to them. Don't care about no cliques, Don't care about no friendship groups. I'm not going to live my life restricted by other people's boundaries.