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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School Mum 'cliques'

90 replies

sunshinestorm · 30/01/2018 23:04

Just off the back of another thread and out of curiosity... I hear a lot of people talking about cliques in the playground at school run time. Is this only a thing in larger primary schools? My DS's school is fairly small (one single class of around 30 per year group) which doesn't give enough scope for cliques to really form in my opinion as there aren't enough parents per year group, especially when you take into account quite a few parents work so alternate between Mum and dad who does the pick up/grandparent or childminder does the pick up.. it just means there aren't these armies of intimidating mums I seem to read about?

OP posts:

Thurlow · 31/01/2018 13:53

Same as others, there is a group of us who are good friends because we all have younger siblings too and tend to go to baby groups and the like together. So we'll chat together in the playground.

But it's definitely in the eye of the beholder - we know we're not doing it to be exclusive but to someone else it might easily look like we're being cliquey

MiaowTheCat · 31/01/2018 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadisonAvenue · 31/01/2018 13:55

There was the church-goers clique at the primary school my sons went to, the headteacher was part of that and would head straight to them on the playground at the end of the day. Hard to break into that one without going to church.

elisaveta · 31/01/2018 13:58

There's a big difference between a group of friends who just want to hang out though, and a group of people who want you to be very sure indeed that you are not to be included. That's the difference, I think. The former will give you small smiles and hellos as you walk past, even if nobody wants to stop and chat; the latter will be far more stony and often downright rude.

Koala72 · 31/01/2018 13:59

A friendly group is fine. The odd couple of mothers or threesomes who hang out more is also fine. But what is not nice is when there are several who have a kind of helping each other feel better than the rest thing going on. And yes, they do exist!!

I noticed the mothers in reception who were starting to network. They have coffee mornings. They have dinners. They have play dates. They vie for who is going to be class rep. When there's a school cake sale or some such, and even when their kids are way too young to make anything other than mud pies, they always always bustle in with a massive tower of perfect cup cakes on a special tiered thing from Lakeland with a really special carrying box for it all.

And they pass comment. They judge. They look at your clothes. They look at your kid. They look at your car. They ask where you live, what you do, what your 'husband' does. If they are married and you aren't, you may be admitted to the group as an occasional oddity and as a kind of disabled minority.
Etc.

OMG and woe betide if your kid is nicer/prettier/better at singing/dancing/gymnastics than theirs! She definitely won't be invited round much in that case!

Next time we start at a new school, I'm going to say I'm married to a pilot or cardiologist (better still, paediatric cardiologist), and that I myself am a GP and trained psychologist but taking time out to be with the children. And that I've come in the little car but we have an Audi Q5 and a Porsche at home. And a house in France. And a designer dog.

Will see how it goes : )

Lavenderdays · 31/01/2018 14:04

This thread has got me thinking. I was hoping to make some more mum friends when dd2 starts primary school in September (DD2 has just started secondary school and there has been little scope to make friends there because you are not doing the school run and so on). For one reason and another my dd has not attended the pre-school attached to the school and unfortunately we were unable to attend the local toddler group when she was younger either. I am wondering if all the friendship groups will have formed already...it sounds daft but I cant remember how I go about speaking to people...I guess you just talk about the children and get used to seeing familiar faces because collection is from a certain place etc. and it is a relatively small primary school. Hoping dd hasn't missed out with making friends as she goes into reception class by not attending the attached pre-school (long, long story which I don't want to go into here).

Lavenderdays · 31/01/2018 14:06

Koala...your post made me smile...I think there is something of this going on in the village where I live.

Thistlebelle · 31/01/2018 14:08

The thing is, I’ve stood with people who see themselves as “outside the clique” while they perceive themselves to be on the receiving ends of “dirty looks” or someone blanking then.

And I didn’t see the same looks. I saw a group of friends who aren’t really paying any attention to anyone else but may have their own problems or issues to deal with.

If a woman walks past you with a stern look on her face and says nothing it’s far more likely that she’s just having a bad day and didn’t notice you.

And if like Working you fall out with someone who arranges all the nights out and suddenly drop off the invitation list it’s not that difficult to organise your own social events.

It’s not other people's job to provide you with a social circle, you have to be brave and form your own.

Sheeeesh · 31/01/2018 14:09

I've heard people refer to certain groups of parents at dss school as cliques where I just see groups of friends.

NorthernLightsAlways · 31/01/2018 14:13

oh i know what you mean though - i can tell you what most of the parents do for a living, not because I've ever asked but because someone has told me - i agree with you koala, you get sized up to see if your face fits.

Again though, it IS slightly, human nature, people can't help themselves.

I'd say one thing - our parent events are always done on a tiny number of volunteers - offering to help on a few of those is a good way to meet people and get your face known, even if it's a PITA and once you're sucked in, you never, ever get out :)

Skowvegas · 31/01/2018 14:14

This reminds me of when I volunteered at school careers day. The professions in the rooms next to mine (I was there as a graphic designer) included surgeon, FBI agent, helicopter pilot, and similar others I can't remember :-)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/01/2018 14:15

I do think that people just naturally gravitate to people they know, and maybe they're shy themselves so have trouble talking to others that they don't know.

Not necessarily "cliques".

But then last year, at our quite small primary school, we had a bit of a playground war going on between 2 mums, one of whom then decided that anyone who spoke to the other mum was immediately also her enemy and to be ignored. She also tried to stir up trouble against the other mum - it was painful to watch. The principal was involved a few times, FB shit went down, the police were involved - such a mess!

Thank goodness it all seems to have calmed down this year! So far, anyway...

Sarahh2014 · 31/01/2018 14:15

My ds is at nursery due to start school in September currently im a drop and go type of mum I say hi to those I'm familiar with and that's it and I plan to stay the same when he starts school it's easier that way

LalaLeona · 31/01/2018 14:17

There is a marked difference between groups of friends and cliques at our school. The former stand with open body language in a group and are are smiley to everyone whereas the latter stand in a tight circle with their backs to everyone else, and give off a very unfriendly vibe. They are all highly competitive women and deliberately try and exclude mums who don't fit their mould.

HotelEuphoria · 31/01/2018 14:23

about cliques in the playground at school run time. Is this only a thing in larger primary schools? My DS's school is fairly small (one single class of around 30 per year group) which doesn't give enough scope for cliques to really form in my opinion

I disagree. My DC's small church school only had one intake of up to 30 per year too, there were plenty of cliques. They didn't just mingle with their own year group as often they had children in other years too.

MrsPreston11 · 31/01/2018 14:24

I smile and say hello to everyone. But naturally we stand and chat with the mums we're friendlier with.

Not cliques.....just friends....

Sad when people see things as "cliquey" when that's just the way of things.

Thinkingofausername1 · 31/01/2018 14:31

I have to disagree with people regarding the fact it's our imagination.
•joined PTA -got ignored
•went to school fairs -got ignored
•when I smiled at people- got given ' a look'
So I never bothered, with anything or anyone after that. Not even offering to help with class trips.why should I bother, if you have to be loud and proud to fit in?

CuppaSarah · 31/01/2018 14:31

In dds

CuppaSarah · 31/01/2018 14:34

oops hit enter WAY too soon there. In dds preschool there were definite cliques. I didn't really like the school run, even though I had plenty of people I spoke to. They weren't nasty mostly, only one or two were a bit off with others. But whatever.

Now shes in Reception, there's not really any cliques at all. I thought there were at first, but bit by bit I've gotten talking to most parents now and everyone is just as uncomfortable and awkward as each other at first. Maybe if I went back to the preschool with the bit mroe confidence I have now I'd find there weren't proper cliques at all, but who knows.

BitchQueen90 · 31/01/2018 14:35

I literally have never noticed any cliques at DS's primary.

But then I'm not interested in making friends with any of the mums and I'm not interested in joining the PTA or anything of that nature. I say hello to a couple of the mums but as long as the other children are friendly to DS and he's happy at school I'm not a jot interested in the other parents.

Springtrolls · 31/01/2018 14:36

Groups of friends say hello back when others say hello. They return a smile if smiled at. They don't exclude others outside their friendship group.

Cliches ignore everyone outside their group. Well until they realise they can get something from you.

Steeley113 · 31/01/2018 14:36

Doesn’t happen at our school. There are friendship groups but there always will be. No one is mean to one another, except when one of the mums ran off with anthers husband. That got a bit messy but it was very much everyone staying away from the cheater.

DotCottonDotCom · 31/01/2018 14:37

I used to think there was, but recently I've realised most of them at our school are quite lonely, forge friendships with whoever is around and latch on to each other, and they end up falling out or shagging each others boyfriends.

Its lovely.

ThereWasABaboon · 31/01/2018 14:38

We have cliques at our school!

We have the PTA clique-
We have a Romanian clique-

I read this as "we have a Roman clique" and thought it was a Mary Beard special interest group.

mommybunny · 31/01/2018 14:39

It may be my own insecurities talking, but I really do feel like I'm back in school myself and there's a "popular" group which I am most definitely not part of. There is one mum who I view as the "leader" and of course she has been PTA president and is known for being super-organised and for everyone drooling over her house and for her DCs being scholars and sometimes I just want to wipe that smug frown when she sees me off her face.

Envy, moi?

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