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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 2 year old at home?

999 replies

Ember12 · 29/01/2018 22:10

Me and my oh have been discussing going on holiday with the children in in late august, i was telling my mother about it and she offered to look after my 2 year old for the week Smile spoke to my oh and he thought it was a great idea he would ask his parents to help my mother out that week aswell, we would be be able to go to theme/water parks and take the older 2 on rides etc without one of us having to stay with the baby. Would be able to relax alot more around the pool ad my older two are very confident in water. Anyway were having holy hell over it all with my brothers girlfriend what awful and selfish parents we are and how my mother is playing favourites! My mother works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and takes turns looking after all her grandchildren 1 stays each sunday night so no favouritism at all! She looked after my brothers children for 3 days while they went on a short break. Aibu in accepting my mothers offer? Or does it really make me a selfish and awful mother?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 01/02/2018 11:52

My cousins are a lot older than me. There were ten of them, all close in age. Some of their most treasured memories are of up to five of them at a time staying with my gran, they had a huge amount of fun doing every day stuff with their cousins.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 11:54

wonder

I am just saying this family holiday may well haunt the family for years. Whether one party or the other is right or wrong on here is largely irrelevant, op won't know until it is too late what the fall out might or might not be.

Trust me family resentment starts early, and if this child comes to see this holiday as something she was excluded from and feels punished by that exclusion, this will indeed cause a rift. We have seen endless painful posts on here from people just like this.

I don't doubt op's good intentions for her older dc, I just hope she knows that once done, it can not be undone and she may never hear the end of it.

We can not expect the other children never to talk about THEIR special holiday and this will be hurtful to the little one who wasn't there.

margaretp · 01/02/2018 11:57

What a lovely idea. It is best to treat all your children the same your youngest will know they are not in the photos and will wonder why. (Do they not love me as much etc) Do you and your partner actually need a break from the kids as you talk about relaxing around a pool and not worrying about your older ones. In a busy water park you would need to watch them confident or not. Best wishes.

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 11:57

They go on holiday twice every year - I'm sure they will talk about plenty of future holidays in years to come.

And when the eldest don't want to go on holiday and only the youngest goes, I'm sure she will relish one-on-one time with her parents too.

margaretp · 01/02/2018 11:59

Just to clarify, taking gran too is such a lovely idea.

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 12:00

Besides, if resentment is going to brew this easily then I'm sure the DD will find other things to be upset about "how come you took my siblings to such-and-such before I was born but you never took me", etc

Or as someone said earlier in this thread about her children being hurt that they weren't included in their parents wedding before they were even born.

The main take away from this should be families are different, children are different. What wouldn't work for you will work for others and vice versa.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 01/02/2018 12:01

Bluelady

I am not suggesting that DD will have an awful time with GP. Nor questioning that GP wants to have her.

It is hardly the position that DD never sees GP. She sees her regularly. Really not a holiday for DD by any stretch. Some people are hell bent on painting this wonderful special holiday with Granny. It is not the reality.

The argument that it will be better for everyone including DD to not take her is flawed and weak.

I will repeat myself, no harm in that as we all seem to have done it.

This holiday is about what is convenient for mum and dad. Compromise has not been properly considered because it just appears to be the easy option to leave DD.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 12:05

I will get flamed by wonder for saying this :) but honestly I could not sit by a pool with my eldest dc having a whale of time knowing my youngest one was stuck at home and missing out. I just could not do it.

The older dc will definitely see this holiday as different as one of the family was ditched for their benefit. So of course this will be more talked about, singled out, because it is special. They got to leave their baby sister behind (this will be a good or bad thing depending how they see her)

Either the idea that the family holiday minus one will get lost in time is a tad optimistic.

Lizzie48 · 01/02/2018 12:05

For older children, that could be a 'sleepover' at Granny's, that's possibly how the older cousins will view it. But for a 2 year old, she would just be a tag along and probably wouldn't get all that much attention.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 12:08

wonder

The only problem with your theory is that dd will actually have a very good reason to feel sad no? She was left behind after all. With good reason she may well have some issue with this as she grows up.

If the op is happy to leave her, good luck to her it is her call, I couldn't do it.

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 12:09

This holiday is about what is convenient for mum and dad. Compromise has not been properly considered because it just appears to be the easy option to leave DD

It's convenient for mum, dad and two eldest siblings. If the youngest siblings wants and needs count, then so should the two elder siblings. And I presume the GP is really looking forward to this as she did offer (and made it clear she would prefer one-on-one time with the DD rather than going away with the whole family).

Funnily enough I have anecdotal stories from being the eldest too (same setup as OP). Whilst I massively adored my little brother, I also really missed out on time with my parents. They we're never really available to spend time with me and the middle child and so we never did anything adventure activities. They could no longer come on rollercoaster or want to go on bike rides with me and it was a bit lonely.

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 12:13

rocket

Again, depends on her dynamic with her GP. It used to be very common for whole families to be activity involved with all generations - no it seems that as more and more families become singular units we don't see GPs in that light.

To a point I understand that you'd worry that your youngest DC would but lonely, but a quick FaceTime chat (which I assume will happen regularly) whilst they tell you about all the activities they are doing will reassure you.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 12:14

wonder

If you felt lonely not having your parents for a bike ride etc, can you just imagine how this two year old will feel losing her parents to a family holiday for a week? The eldest siblings may very well miss her terribly, it could impact their holiday in a very negative way. I don't think op has considered that.

What if they are upset because they miss her? Isn't that going to make her feel even more guilty.

My dc miss each other even when they are on sleepovers, a whole week they would be utterly miserable.

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/02/2018 12:14

Wanting to spend one week with the oldest children doesn't negate the other 51 weeks the OP spends with her youngest. It's ridiculously hyperbolic start down the route that a child shouldn't have been born due to a holiday.

So where are the other 2 DC for the other 51 weeks?

It's not like we are talking about taking 2 teenagers on a week kayaking down the amazon. We are talking about a normal family holiday that millions of 2 year olds will be going on. The OP and her DH (presumably he has some say in this so it's about him too) are leaving her behind as it's easier and more convenient and they think they will have a better holiday with them.

Feck that. It's actually a really horrible thing to do as there is really no justification. Youngest will know and will look at photos of that holiday and wonder why she wasn't good enough to go.

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 12:18

rocket I'm not talking about a one-off occasion. My DB was born when I was 10 (middle child 7) and all activities were always directed to my DB. I've not spend any real quality time with either of them since them (I'm 30 now).

I do understand how resentment brews but it's not typically from a one off.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 12:20

wonder

Face time could make dd even worse, I know my two plead for me to come back whenever I am working, and I don't do it now for this reason. It can be pretty heart breaking. I wouldn't say that will necessarily help at all.

Gps are fabulous and loving and thats great, but they are not a week in the sun with beloved parents and siblings are they? It is a tall order to expect them to even come close to what she is clearly missing.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 12:21

wonder

Maybe it is not a one off, maybe it is, but it certainly sets the precedent for a divided family .

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 12:22

It's actually a really horrible thing to do as there is really no justification

In your opinion. You can't state opinion as fact and use it as a means to say nasty things.

In my opinion it is not a horrible thing to do. Does that mean I can be nasty to you?

But now I'm just going to be going over the same things said in previous posts as you're not bringing anything new to the argument.

Jobjobjob · 01/02/2018 12:22

Good post Thierry, as we can see people are split. I still stand by my stance!

I also found the OH immediately said yes, very sad! No let's think about it, let's slee in it, what will she be like at the end of august, when she's coming up 3! Just an immediate and not thought about YES leave her.

Bluelady, why up thread are you telling people to "shut up" when you're still posting? Honest question, it just seems like you don't want to hear the other side of the argument? But still want your side to be heard?

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 12:24

So where are the other 2 DC for the other 51 weeks?

At school, and then at home I'm guessing? It seems like you've deliberately ignored the fact that 2 year olds are much more consuming (time and energy) than 7-9 year olds.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 12:25

wonder

Maybe it is horrible to wax, it might be a perfectly adequate description of how she feels. It is not being nasty to say you think something is horrible.

I think many things are horrible, it is okay.

Why DONT you think it is horrible to leave a little kid behind is the bigger question?

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 12:26

My nine year old hoovers up far more energy than her two year old self ever did.

Jobjobjob · 01/02/2018 12:26

At school, and then at home I'm guessing? It seems like you've deliberately ignored the fact that 2 year olds are much more consuming (time and energy) than 7-9 year olds.

Of course they are and as OP and her DH have three they knew that before having her! But they say she was wanted and loved so that was the conscious decision to have her. By doing so surely they can't then offload because she's hard work on holiday? She deserves fun and holidays also?

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 12:27

Rocket I think we've got to a point where we'll just have to disagree. I know you are probably thinking about your DC whilst having an opinion and that's fine.

Anecdotally I can think of many examples where something similar has happened and the child has been absolutely fine.

As there isn't a general overview on how a child will react, it's really up to the OP as to whether she things her DD will be okay with it. She said yes so I'm sure she will.

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/02/2018 12:29

At school, and then at home I'm guessing? It seems like you've deliberately ignored the fact that 2 year olds are much more consuming (time and energy) than 7-9 year olds.

No, I'm not ignoring that, presumably the 7-9 year olds were 2 once as well? And they got the attention that the little one is getting now?

It's not like the holiday would be ruined for the other two if the youngest was there is it? They have 2 parents and if they want to do things that are for older DC then one of the parents can do that.

If anything, the eldest should be left behind as he or she had 2 years of completely undivided attention that neither of the other two have had?