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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave 2 year old at home?

999 replies

Ember12 · 29/01/2018 22:10

Me and my oh have been discussing going on holiday with the children in in late august, i was telling my mother about it and she offered to look after my 2 year old for the week Smile spoke to my oh and he thought it was a great idea he would ask his parents to help my mother out that week aswell, we would be be able to go to theme/water parks and take the older 2 on rides etc without one of us having to stay with the baby. Would be able to relax alot more around the pool ad my older two are very confident in water. Anyway were having holy hell over it all with my brothers girlfriend what awful and selfish parents we are and how my mother is playing favourites! My mother works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and takes turns looking after all her grandchildren 1 stays each sunday night so no favouritism at all! She looked after my brothers children for 3 days while they went on a short break. Aibu in accepting my mothers offer? Or does it really make me a selfish and awful mother?

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 01/02/2018 10:59

You do realise that lots of kids go to daycare etc

Very true. And that can be day in day out for years. Not just a one-off week. Why aren't those parents getting a slating?

Bluelady · 01/02/2018 11:02

I said exactly the same thing, it was totally ignored.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 11:03

dancer

Maybe because all the dc will be in childcare and not just one?! And day care is not night care, so very different I would say.

Besides we have to work, we do not have to go on holiday without one of our kids.

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 11:08

We do not have go on holiday without one child, but luckily for the OP she can as she has a wonderful extended family.

I think the saddest thing about all of this is that posters are talking about grandparents as if they are nothing more than one-off babysitters, and that they couldn't possibly care or love for a child in a way that is sufficient to satisfy you. But actually some families have fantastic relationships and GPs can provide a warm, loving environment that a child would want to stay at.

Even heard the phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child"?

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/02/2018 11:08

*You do realise that lots of kids go to daycare etc

Very true. And that can be day in day out for years. Not just a one-off week. Why aren't those parents getting a slating?*

They do. It's hardly 'news' that women just love pulling other women down for their choices.

But since you mention it, why are you so keen for them to 'get a slating' too?!

Lizzie48 · 01/02/2018 11:12

Because daycare is part of their everyday routine, they know they will see their parents and siblings again at the end of the day. But for a child of that age to stay with her Grandma instead of going on holiday with her family, that's very different.

I am wondering, is the Grandma taking the week off work? Because if she works 60 hours a week, she won't actually see all that much of her DGD.

But it does depend on how clingy she is normally, and whether she has a really close relationship with her Grandma. We just don't know. But the OP does know her. So some posts on here are too judgemental.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 01/02/2018 11:13

Cuppaof tea

I dont know how to repost but your point is very very valid.

I said as did others that, aside from the rights and wrongs and wildly different opinions around whether DD she should stay at home with GP, it is not a great message to give the older DC.

Asking their views was not a good move at all. I too find it odd / a bit sad that they are content to leave her. My older DC would be a bit upset at that. He would know he would get time to do his things but he also knows it is not all about him, nor is it all about the other DC.

Compromise is key when you have children with age gaps.

It really is laughable to suggest that the older DC need Mum AND Dad to go on the rides and need both there at same to enjoy the holiday. Come on now, that is weakening any argument in favour of OPs position.

I said before, i have been to Salou with three of similar age. Recently. It is a family centred place for kids of all ages, the activities in some hotels are fab for kids of all ages and OP could find the older DC want to go off and spend hours doing them and will only return to ask for money for drinks and snacks whilst they play with new mates. But perhaps OP already knows that.

You won't be at the them parks every day surely.

Why wouldn't mum and dad split up ocassionally to have time with all DC? Am i misding something here, seriously, is it just too much effort required?

Where is the undivided and exclusive attention for DD from both parents - on holiday, which is a damn sight different from a trip to the cinema or similar for two hours at home? To the exclusion of other DC. If OP feels older DC need undivided parent attention does DD not need it too - or is it sufficient she can make do with GP attention alongside the other cousins she will also be minding at same time whilst older ones get a whole week on a foreign holiday??

That has been largely ignored here and it is relevant.

You can gave a fab family holiday with all DC if you put some thought into it.

It is disgusting to suggest that those of us who do include all DC are mummy martyrs.

And it is deluded to think that those of us who dont think it is the right thing to leave DD behind are all suffering from some major childhood trauma/ abandonment issues.

I have a fab mum who has a close relationship with my kids. No lurking under the surface bubbling resentment from me being hard done by as a child. Happy childhood. Nothing to see there, move on ...

But it must be so much easier to assume there us a reason for having this view other than it just not a decent way to treat one of three children.

I spend individual time regularly with all DC as does my DH as often as is possible and i know as do most sensible people that it is important and healthy.

But a family holiday is in a different league.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 11:24

Thierry

Good post. Agree entirely.

Quartz2208 · 01/02/2018 11:27

I hate to say it though if the DD goes round and stays over the grandmothers regularly its not exactly a holiday for her. Mine see there grandparents a lot, love staying over night with them but certainly would not consider going there to be a holiday

Pinky333777 · 01/02/2018 11:29

I think it'll be lovely for the older dc, who I suspect sacrifice enough already for a toddler sibling. Older kids needs tend to take a back seat when there's a baby in the family.
Your toddler and grandma will enjoy some fabulous one on one time together x
But, personally, for good measure I'd try to get grandparents to perhaps babysit older children for a day while you take the little one out to a babyish theme park or something for the day - just to balance it out x

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 11:31

No, staying with granny is not a holiday even one with a few treats thrown in.
Most dc also have an amazing capacity to remember every last little slight/injustice as they see it, this holiday could be used for years in arguments between them as they get older because it is very divisive as we have seen on this thread.

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/02/2018 11:34

Well, I don't have a scorecard as someone mentioned above and apart from the fact my two are only a year apart so the Ops scenario would never occur, there is a difference here.

There is a difference about a younger DC missing out on a holiday because they weren't born yet compared to a DC missing out on a holiday that they were born for and would enjoy.

You don't have to treat everyone equally to be fair but you should treat them fairly. My DS2 gets a weekly music lesson, I don't force DS1 to have one too to make it equal, but he gets taken to a club that he enjoys but that is free. It does involve our time and petrol whereas DS2s lesson only involves money.

I just can't fathom a family holiday where someone who would enjoy it gets left behind because they are inconvenient.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 11:35

pinky

She is only two years old.
How have they sacrificed? The eldest has enjoyed eight years without her, and the younger one five years.

Some dc actually adore their siblings and love them deeply, and enjoy playing and spending time with them, and wouldn't see it as sacrificing anything.
My dc would not be at all happy if we left one of them at home. I suppose it depends on what kind of relationship they have, but I would not describe a little sister as something that needs to be left behind/avoided/minimised

Maireadplastic · 01/02/2018 11:35

I still think bringing grandma on the holiday is the answer!

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 11:38

Mairead

Yes I do too! Other in laws are going so it would be a great solution

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/02/2018 11:40

Children within a family are never going to have the exact same experience as some will be the eldest, middle or younger etc.

It's irrelevant really how they get on as you are now a family and they are all relatively young. If you thought a third child would ruin the dynamic for the older two maybe you shouldn't have had her?

Bluelady · 01/02/2018 11:40

Granny doesn't want to go.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 11:42

blue

How do you know? Is it in the thread, I didn't spot it.

Bluelady · 01/02/2018 11:43

Yup, in thread. Was suggested. Granny said no.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 11:43

I did see that other family will be on the holiday, so op already has help for her dc, dd included. She doesn't need granny, and granny doesn't need to waste her annual leave babysitting.

Just thinking that granny needs a medal just for offering, if she works 60 hours she must be so knackered.

rocketgirl22 · 01/02/2018 11:44

wax

Two dc would have clearly suited them better.

Bluelady · 01/02/2018 11:46

You're mixing up two holidays. One in May is Uncle Tom Cobbley and all. The one in question is in August for OP, her partner and two eldest.

Cuppaoftea · 01/02/2018 11:47

Thierry Completely agree with your post.

Mairead Op asked her Mum to join them on the holiday but she declined as apparently she takes that week off to spend with other grandchildren and family too.

That's one reason all the posts about the wonderful one on one time the little girl is going to have with Grandma sound wide of the mark. More like it's going to be a week where she tags along with extended family doing every day things rather than a holiday. Nothing wrong with that in itself but cruel when she's very aware her parents and siblings are off on holiday having fun in the pool and have chosen to leave her behind.

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 11:48

If you thought a third child would ruin the dynamic for the older two maybe you shouldn't have had her?

Can we not start this crap again. Wanting to spend one week with the oldest children doesn't negate the other 51 weeks the OP spends with her youngest. It's ridiculously hyperbolic start down the route that a child shouldn't have been born due to a holiday.

I largely disagree with what Rocketgirl is saying, but at least she isn't spewing vile comments towards the OP as some posters seem intent on doing.

I'll say it again - anecdotally; I can say the child will be fine. Anecdotally; others disagree. Neither opinion has a baring on the OP's family dynamic as we aren't part of it - if the OP says that the DD will have a lovely time with granny then it is mostly likely true.

Sometimes older kids need attention too as small children can be all consuming. I'll betting they never really get time with both parents so this will be special for them. The whole family will bond together when they go on their other holiday - so all will be fine.

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 11:49

I take back what I said about Rocketgirl.

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