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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 2 year old at home?

999 replies

Ember12 · 29/01/2018 22:10

Me and my oh have been discussing going on holiday with the children in in late august, i was telling my mother about it and she offered to look after my 2 year old for the week Smile spoke to my oh and he thought it was a great idea he would ask his parents to help my mother out that week aswell, we would be be able to go to theme/water parks and take the older 2 on rides etc without one of us having to stay with the baby. Would be able to relax alot more around the pool ad my older two are very confident in water. Anyway were having holy hell over it all with my brothers girlfriend what awful and selfish parents we are and how my mother is playing favourites! My mother works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and takes turns looking after all her grandchildren 1 stays each sunday night so no favouritism at all! She looked after my brothers children for 3 days while they went on a short break. Aibu in accepting my mothers offer? Or does it really make me a selfish and awful mother?

OP posts:
clarehhh · 01/02/2018 08:06

As a Mum of 3 it seems exceptionally cruel to me.Children that age know when they are being dumped, I work with children and see it alot.You are likely to have behaviour problems when you return.Two year olds have feelings too and know even if they can only express via poor behaviour when they have been seen as an inconvenience.Absolutely fine for a day but not a week.

Chocolate50 · 01/02/2018 08:31

It depends on how your DD will feel about spending time with GM whilst the fam are away. She may be able to say herself what she wants? If she's sensitive & doesn't want to be left then I wouldn't leave her.

taskmaster · 01/02/2018 09:11

OP don't listen to the utter bullshit here. Your toddler spending a week with a loving caring grandparent will obviously not be traumatised or harmed.
If you had to be in hospital for a week they wouldn't dare tell you it was cruel and will harm your child, even though the effect on the child would be the exact same, its that you are daring to do it to suit yourself that they have an issue with it!

MaggieS41 · 01/02/2018 09:24

I’m clinging on to it because I know how your daughter will feel!

Oh dear. You must have real separation anxiety issues which you obviously remember from when you were 2 years old.

OP, don’t do it! Or your 2 year old will grow up to want to be a self-proclaimed Mum of the century and martyr of the universe like jobjob Grin

Jobjobjob · 01/02/2018 09:30

OP, don’t do it! Or your 2 year old will grow up to want to be a self-proclaimed Mum of the century and martyr of the universe like jobjob 

No I'm not, but neuter am I a selfish and awful mother! Never have I felt the need for others to tell me I'm not! I've not made a decision like that to have to ask for others to confirm it's ok!

I'm sure that the 2 year old (who will be a lot closer to 3 by the end of August if she's not turned 3 by then) will remember! No doubt at all!

Jobjobjob · 01/02/2018 09:30

Neither not neuter!

user1474652148 · 01/02/2018 09:33

Op you sound like a decent person so why you would want to leave one child behind for a family holiday is beyond me.
Long weekend/ day out no problem
Leaving alll three together again no problem

But to single one child out to be left behind is cruel.

I am also noy convinced she will cope very well for an entire week and the gp may really begin to struggle.

I also do not think for one moment your SIL: brothers girlfriend will be the only one that sees as a selfish feckless mother, many others will too be will keep quiet

user1474652148 · 01/02/2018 09:39

Sees you as a selfish mother

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/02/2018 09:41

This thread has lost all perspective.

Every day, many young children are left to fend for themselves, neglected and/ or abused. They will grow up deeply damaged by their experienced - assuming they grow up at all of course.

The little girl will be left with her loving Frankie and well looked after.

I have said that I don't understand the reasoning and that leaving one of my dc at home while the rest of the family went on holiday wouldn't be an option for me. But the more I read on this thread, the more I think the plot was lost somewhere around page 4.

The op's little girl is highly unlikely to endure life long trauma as a result of being left in the care of a loving family member for one week.

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/02/2018 09:42

grannie not Frankie. Bloody phone.

user1474652148 · 01/02/2018 09:44

How are you going to feel when you see all the other little tots playing in the pool, laughing with their parents having the time of their lives and your little one is stuck home, missing you and her brothers and sisters?

Will the extra cocktail really be worth it?

I wonder if you are doing this for your oh? I don’t know a single person who would be okay with this arrangement. I am amazed anyone would support this idea on mn

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 09:49

user - Oh, pick me! I would be okay with. My DP's parents were okay with this. Some of my friends do this. The OP is. Several other posters are okay with this. As is the OP's granny.

Maybe you need to expand your friendship circles if you don't know a single person who would be okay with this.

user1474652148 · 01/02/2018 09:52

Little lion

No one is talking about life long trauma, but it is also not true to say that this child will not suffer. She will suffer terribly when she is left behind, possibly for the entire week she will suffer horribly and there is no need. she will be fully aware her siblings have gone too. And no amount of ‘spoliling’ is going to enough for what is going to feel like rejection/ abandonment

You can dress it up however you like but that little girl is NOT going to merrily wave them away and forget all about them for the week is she?

The post that compared a hospital stay has lost the plot. If the mother is in hospital then all the dc stay at home together.
It is a ghastly selfish decision to go.

user1474652148 · 01/02/2018 09:54

Wonder

I have tons of friends thankfully none as selfish as op

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/02/2018 09:56

No one is talking about life long trauma

A few have actually. They've claimed that being left at 14mo has left them with abandonment issues.

user1474652148 · 01/02/2018 10:01

Lion

Maybe it has left them with abandonment issues? It was their experience not yours. You can’t dismiss another persons life. They are sharing this so that op doesn’t make the same mistake. They feel strongly because it has hit such a raw nerve.

For the op to just dismiss this just shows what kind of person SHE is, not them.

This is a horrid toxic thread, with one side fighting for the little girl and the other for the right to be a selfish cocktail mother. No wonder it is emotive.

k2p2k2tog · 01/02/2018 10:03

Really can't get into this mummy martyr "oh I couldn't possibly relax and enjoy myself, knowing my toddler is perfectly happy and being spoiled rotten by granny" mentality.

WonderLime · 01/02/2018 10:04

I know where the toxic posts have come from, and it's not been from the ones telling OP that her little girl will be loved and cared for by her granny.

In fact already you have come along and used some pretty toxic words to describe the OP and the situation.

I've said this before, but a child is going to raised a lot happier and more well adjusted with an extended family that all love her and want to care for her than child who grow up with parents who are bitter, nasty and hateful.

IreadMNinaBritishaccent · 01/02/2018 10:06

This thread Confused

Op might miss her 2 year old while away. Two year old might miss Mum and dad. But will be looked after really well.

However older children will have the opportunity to have their parents attention and focus. Which they may not have completely with the baby, and may appreciate and remember.

EllenMP · 01/02/2018 10:06

If you think you will be relaxed and not worrying about the toddler and your mother, then you should do this. Your toddler is too young to get the most out of this holiday but your older children will really benefit from not having their holiday dominated by the little one's needs. I think it would be really nice for them to have your full attention for a week, and enable you and your husband to have a bit more of a break. What's wrong with considering the other children's needs too?

I would be a little concerned about how your mum is going to manage a toddler and her job, but if your MIL can pitch in too then I see no reason why your toddler will not have a lovely week being amused and indulged by his grandmas, and probably enjoy his "holiday" more than being lugged around theme parks watching his siblings go on rides he is too small for. A close relationship with a grandparent is a precious gift to give a child, and that is fostered by letting the grandparent look after the child without you. It's not like you are leaving him with a babysitter. If he has already stayed over at Grandmas I'm sure he will wave you off happily and have a lovely time.

Go with what your heart says and don't look back. Don't leave the baby behind if that will make it hard for you to enjoy your trip. But equally don't let anyone tell you you are a bad parent for leaving your toddler with his loving grandparents for a week to give your full attention to your other kids. I promise you, you are not.

user1474652148 · 01/02/2018 10:08

K2

But she won’t be perfectly happy will she?

We all KNOW two years old find it very hard to be separated from their parents, especially for a whole week.

Realistically she will be howling when they go, and will cry intermittently for most of the week no matter how desperately hard granny tries to comfort and distract her. Night time will be particularly hard for her.

For gods sake stop lying that she will be all happiness and rainbows.

We all know that isn’t true

Cuppaoftea · 01/02/2018 10:11

I wonder if you are doing this for your OH?

It does stand out for me that immediately on being asked by Op about leaving their DD behind both the little girl's Dad and brothers immediately thought it was a great idea, no 'awww I don’t know, doesn't seem fair, think what she'll be missing out on, can't imagine going without her'.

Does read like at least one parent feeling fed up with being back at the toddler stage after getting used to having two slightly older, more independent children close in age.

I don't feel asking the older children how they felt about the prospect of leaving their sister out of a family holiday was appropriate in the first place, not the way to foster close relations between siblings with an age gap.

I wouldn't be surprised if Ops OH and sons start asking if the youngest can be left out of other future holidays, 'can't your Mum have her again so we can do this with the boys'. Even this once is awful for a near 3 year old. Shame her brothers aren't being encouraged by the parents to help their sister learn to swim in the pool as well as have time to muck about themselves.

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/02/2018 10:11

Can't you see that your only adding to the toxicity though user? Calling the op names like 'selfish cocktail mother' is about as emotive as it gets. You say you can't dismiss another person's life, yet here you are doing exactly that - just because another mother takes a different opinion or decision. There are plenty of others who have commented that they've in no way suffered just because they didn't go on holiday decades ago. Presumably because that one occasion didn't involve a pattern of behaviour in which they were isolated and rejected.

I don't identify with the op's choice. It's perfectly possible to have a family holiday that caters for all interests and capabilities. But 'ghastly selfish cocktail mother'?!

Really?

user1474652148 · 01/02/2018 10:12

And the idea that this is all about the older children just doesn’t wash,

The 2 year can join with almost everything they can do,

This is all about op having a holiday without the hassle of a toddler

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 01/02/2018 10:14

I think some people might need psychoanalytic therapeutic intervention to establish why being left with granny aged 2 while your parents and siblings went on holiday has left you so angry and hurt. Personally, I think if you’re clinging on to this one thing, you actually had a fantastic childhood.