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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave 2 year old at home?

999 replies

Ember12 · 29/01/2018 22:10

Me and my oh have been discussing going on holiday with the children in in late august, i was telling my mother about it and she offered to look after my 2 year old for the week spoke to my oh and he thought it was a great idea he would ask his parents to help my mother out that week aswell, we would be be able to go to theme/water parks and take the older 2 on rides etc without one of us having to stay with the baby. Would be able to relax alot more around the pool ad my older two are very confident in water. Anyway were having holy hell over it all with my brothers girlfriend what awful and selfish parents we are and how my mother is playing favourites! My mother works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and takes turns looking after all her grandchildren 1 stays each sunday night so no favouritism at all! She looked after my brothers children for 3 days while they went on a short break. Aibu in accepting my mothers offer? Or does it really make me a selfish and awful mother?

OP posts:

ThunderboltsLightning · 30/01/2018 11:19

We are indeed Senua. I have amazing memories of time spent away from home with my GPs and i look forward to giving that gift to my children also. It's enriching- it does not mean that OP will not spend lots of family time together too.

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2018 11:20

Ember12 - the thing if you do it you have to accept that some people are going to judge you for it and some people are going to agree with you and your reasons behind it.

Having good motives behind a decision doesnt always make it less selfish, but the motivations behind your SIL comments I suspect are selfish as well

Truthfully though if your Mother works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week how on earth can she take the strain of a 2 year old for a week - by using her holiday up? She may be in her 50s and she may have made the offer but I do think it is too much for her

WonderLime · 30/01/2018 11:25

I actually think it’s a lovely thing to do for your older children. If you all go as a family, your focus will always be on the 2 year old and the elder children won’t be getting upur attention.

If you are sure that your 2 year old will be happy in your mother’s company then do it! It’s up to you as a family with what you feel happy with.

Cuppaoftea · 30/01/2018 11:25

I've got four kids, eldest 14, youngest 4 so am used to juggling the age gaps and all for giving different children focus at different times. We don't all do everything together as a six every weekend, of course not.

But a family holiday (whether the first or second of the year) is different and again your older kids wouldn’t miss out either way because there would be two parents there and they have each other as playmates. Ultimately you and your OH want to go on this holiday as a four for the week because it's easier to do this kind of holiday with two adults and two kids of a similar age, all four on rides together and you and your OH get more couple time as the older ones are fairly independent now.It is selfish to leave your 2 year old out of the fun in the pool (absolutely no need for her to be strapped in a buggy for hours round a theme park with two adults there) and like I said the age gap stays the same for future holidays, what will you do then. It only gets more tricky when the eldest want to do their own thing and your youngest gets to an age she doesn't want to be on her own with just her parents and is missing the company of siblings or a friend.

Your SIL may be difficult, that doesn't mean she isn't right sometimes. Just because your Mum offered doesn't mean you should take her up on it. If your Mum was retired and only caring for one grandchild maybe but this scenario sounds quite different.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 30/01/2018 11:26

Whether or not you leave baby behind it'd non of sils business. I think this interference needs sharp dealing with. It will only get worse. Your mum needs to speak to her son about this. Does he really feel they are treated second best, evidence etc.

WickedGoodDoge · 30/01/2018 11:30

I would. We often do trips as a part family- I took DC to Port Aventura when DH was in India with work, I used to take them to Boston without DH, we sent DS to Panama by himself to stay with his grandfather, I’ve taken DD to London, I sent DH/DS to Disneyland Paris without DD and me when she was a baby and horror or horrors, DH and I once went to WDW without DC!

We also do lots of holidays as a full family, but so long as there is a balance, there’s nothing wrong with sometimes splitting up. Especially as there is a fairly big age gap- I’de be willing to bet you will end up taking DD on holidays without your other DC.

BertrandRussell · 30/01/2018 11:33

So basically people are saying that all family holidays should be pitched to the interests and capabilities of the youngest?

SpareASquare · 30/01/2018 11:37

Meh.
I'd go without a second thought but I do have a similar gap and a grandparent who truly lives for the grandkids and enjoys spending every moment they can with them.

As much as some say they don't understand how anyone could do this, I equally don't 'get' those handwringers who would never ever leave out a child. There always seems to be a touch of martyrdom attached. Besides, they're usually the ones saying " ..but we parented them all the same" when there is an issue. "Can't be our parenting, they were all treated exactly the same"

Different ages, different stages. The older ones will benefit so so much and the 2 yr old really won't care. He won't, especially with noone trying to make him think he should. One on one time with granny is also such an opportunity.

You have a solid, loving family foundation and something like this will only be positive.

MadMags · 30/01/2018 11:40

So basically people are saying that all family holidays should be pitched to the interests and capabilities of the youngest?

People are saying a family holiday should be for the family. All of the family. Even the less convenient ones.

why12345 · 30/01/2018 11:41

It's not a family holiday if your 2 year old isn't going. Rethink the holiday and go as a family!!

BertrandRussell · 30/01/2018 11:43

"People are saying a family holiday should be for the family. All of the family. Even the less convenient ones."
So. Pitched to the abilities and interests of the youngest then.

senua · 30/01/2018 11:44

So basically people are saying that all family holidays should be pitched to the interests and capabilities of the youngest?

No, it seems to me that the common denominator to these problem holidays are theme parks. Make a theme park a one-day destination if you must but don't base the whole holiday around it; build in a bit of variety that suits everyone.

WonderLime · 30/01/2018 11:44

Ugh, so apparently the complaint is the wording 'family holiday'.

Just call it a holiday for the older children and that should solve the problem.

WonderLime · 30/01/2018 11:47

It's not just theme parks, is it? Anything that requires lots of walking, treks, choppy boat trips, snorkelling, etc. Basically most active activities are out.

If the family are planning on spending the entire holiday by the pool then fine, take the 2 year old (but even then, the older children still don't get the benefit of playing pool games with both of the parents). This is a chance to do something with the older children when I imagine much of the past two years have been about prioritising the youngest. Why is that such an issue?

Cuppaoftea · 30/01/2018 11:50

So basically people are saying that all family holidays should be pitched to the interests and capabilities of the youngest?

This is essentially a pool/waterpark holiday, what's not suitable about that for a 2 year old as well as 9 and 10 year old? With two adults there's no reason why they can't take turns on theme park rides with the older two while the other parent does something one on one with the youngest. Then swap over.

This isn't about the older kids missing out, it's about the adults wanting more time to themselves. And a very hardworking Grandma doing the one on one care with the 2 year old instead of the parents while the youngest also misses out on lots of fun in the pool and quality time away as a family with her parents and siblings.

MadMags · 30/01/2018 11:54

How is it pitched towards the interests of the youngest?

There’s nothing stopping them all going. Nothing stopping them going to theme parks or water parks.

Perhaps the adults will have to watch the kids more closely at the pool. But the cocktails can still be consumed. No need to pick two out of three children.

LagunaBubbles · 30/01/2018 11:55

... and you want her to spend her holidays babysitting your child because you cba?

No OPs Mum offered, not the other way round. Maybe she just - oh you know - likes spending time with her Grandchildren?

LagunaBubbles · 30/01/2018 11:56

People are saying a family holiday should be for the family. All of the family. Even the less convenient ones

What a nasty comment about less convenient children.

BertrandRussell · 30/01/2018 11:57

My children’s granny adored having her grandchildren to stay. Calling It babysitting would have been an insult.

MissDuke · 30/01/2018 12:01

OP you keep referring to her as a baby and state she won't know any different. Two is not a baby though and of course she will know! Your mother works 60 hours a week and alternates her weekend by spending one on one time with each of her 7 grandchildren..... so dd properly sees her what, once every couple of months? And you plan to leave her there for a whole week while you all go off to have a family holiday?

I am honestly horrified at this and cannot think of anyone else that I know who would do this. If you really want your older children to get the attention then why couldn't one parent take them? We also have a large age gap and I have taken the eldest away on short breaks before leaving dh with the younger children, he has also done the same with one of the older children. I honestly cannot imagine all the rest of us going just leaving one

I can see why your sil is a bit shocked and I know you are automatically putting it down to jealousy, but perhaps she also just feels sorry for your dd?

Trampire · 30/01/2018 12:03

OP, I can't believe the amount if projection and hand-wringing going on over this.

Go and enjoy!

Is it that fact your mum looking after your 2yr old at all your SIL has issue with, or the fact you're going without the youngest?

thecatsthecats · 30/01/2018 12:04

Sometimes what's good for the family IS leaving some people out in order to focus on the specific needs of some.

My elder sister had some problems and got treated to days out with my mum etc. I got to spend one on one time with my dad. My older siblings (12 and 14, girl and boy) bickered and fought and were given separate time a lot as teens coping with two little kids as well as each other. I was the baby so needed most attention.

We had family holidays of all six, and treats of just some. It's fine!

Trampire · 30/01/2018 12:04

Just to add, I went "on holiday" to my GM and GF all the time when I was little. I loved it. It's only now I look back and realise it was probably because my parents were knackered and needed some rest

taskmaster · 30/01/2018 12:06

What about it being fair on your mum?! She's agreeing to give up her annual leave to make your holiday easier and you're actually considering letting her do it?Beggars belief, really

She offered. She wants to. Nice people in nice families doe that sort of thing for each other. Not MNers, obviously, but normal people.

Trampire · 30/01/2018 12:09

Taskmaster.

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