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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Researching/viewing universities with one twin, refusing to do the same with the other?

81 replies

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/01/2018 14:15

Two DDs (17), year 12. One works hard, is motivated, has a clear(ish) view of what she'd like to do as a job - I'm helping her research unis and we're finding out about open days etc.

I've just told my other DD that I won't be doing that for her - she's still in bed! It's gone 2pm in the afternoon and I'm feeling ragey. She had one lesson today which she should have gone in for this morning but she said it wasn't worthwhile, she'd benefit more from being at home and studying ...... well that hasn't happened, as I knew it wouldn't. She's in bed glued to laptop and phone .... youtube shit, not studying.

She's now got the hump that I've told her to forget about uni, absolutely no point in wasting our weekends/taking time off work to look at them when she's so damn lazy and unmotivated. If she did manage to scrape a levels and get on a course what is the point of her ending up with a huge debt if she'd spend most of it in bed, missing lectures, or out on the piss. She's already said that uni appeals for the party side of it. No way am I funding it, or part funding it, as I understand most parents have to top up loans etc.

And breathe.

I'd turn the internet off but I'm working from home .

OP posts:

mummymeister · 29/01/2018 14:16

...and this is going to motivate her how?

MrsPreston11 · 29/01/2018 14:18

Change the internet password.

I think it's a pretty fair thing to do....

Alison100199 · 29/01/2018 14:19

So you are helping the golden child and making it clear that the other is second best? How is that meant to help?

Original poster

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/01/2018 14:19

It won't motivate her but how do I do that? She's not interested. I've tried very hard. I've asked her several times today to shower, come downstairs and sit with me to sort out the work experience that she has to do in the summer. Not interested. Make up tutorials on youtube or some blogger is more interesting.

OP posts:

Bluelady · 29/01/2018 14:20

Good to hear. Parents never used to get nvolved in their kids' choice of uni. Hopefully she'll do her own research, go to open days on her own, supplement her loan with part time working and come out having had a good time and able to stand on her own feet.

Original poster

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/01/2018 14:21

She's def not a golden child!! , how did you glean that from my post! And the other isn't second best.

Would any of you really want to be out of pocket for a child that shows no interest in education? I struggled to get her through her GCSEs as they are essential. I didn't want her to do A levels as I know she doesn't do 'studying'. So why bother with uni?

OP posts:

TheSconeOfStone · 29/01/2018 14:22

If it's any comfort I scraped into an ex-poly then sorted myself out and got a 2:1 in a Science subject. Looking back at my teenage years I'm sure I was depressed but my parents just thought it was attitude.

Luckily for me my parents supported me to go to Uni and it was the making of me. Luckily I didn't have a perfect sibling to be compared unfavourably against.

Pearlsaringer · 29/01/2018 14:22

Totally get where you are coming from OP but the only way she will be motivated to raise her game is by visiting open days and finding a uni she really wants to get into. If anything I think you need to put a bit more effort in with her - sorry!

FlyingElbows · 29/01/2018 14:24

Well, op, you keep telling her she's shit and she'll reward you handsomely by living down to your expectations. Sounds like she's doing a marvellous job already.

RedHelenB · 29/01/2018 14:25

Agree with Pearl s post or how about looking into apprenticeships with Get?

Original poster

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/01/2018 14:25

She's not depressed, she just hates anything school related. If she was depressed would she be out all weekend with friends?

Her sister isn't the perfect sibling, but surely you have to be realistic?

As for putting effort in with her, I've come to the conclusion this weekend that she gets far more attention and effort than her sister simply because she's so tricky! Her sister quietly gets on with stuff, doesn't demand very much at all, and slips under the radar.

OP posts:

Cath2907 · 29/01/2018 14:25

My sister was the same. Education just wsn't for her. My parents refused to fund her to do higher education when it was clear she wouldn't apply herself. At the time I think she thought it was unfair. Fast forward and eventually she worked out what she wanted to do. She is now a very capable and hard working police officer, mum of 2 lovely kids, married to a lovely guy and owns her own house.

I think you should encourage your daughter to get a job when she finished school (possibly by charging her rent and eventually chucking her out as my parents did for my sis) but be open to come back in a year or two and support her in some proper goals once she find out what they are. Uni is hard enough to stick to if you do want to go!

frozenlake · 29/01/2018 14:26

My pair aren't at that age yet but I would offer them the same, find something you are interested in, come to me with an outline of what support you think you need and DH and I will look to support you as best we can.
At the moment we have dd who wants to go to catering college in the future and DS who is split between drama or uni. It is highly likely they will both change their minds several times over the next few years.
If your academic daughter is able to go to uni she should be able to look for her own open days, it sounds as though the less academic dd maybe needs more support in considering what to do next.
I would make it clear you were happy to support both of them and university isn't the only way to go.

ReggaetonLente · 29/01/2018 14:26

Do you want university, and the opportunities and privileges it affords, for her, or are you not too bothered?

I don't meant that horribly, it's a genuine question. My mum couldn't have cared less if I went or not, she considered it completely up to me.

If you share the view that's it's her prerogative, then leave her to it. If you do think it's your responsibility to make sure she carefully considers all options available to her, and understands the far reaching implications of the choices she makes now, then it might be time to have a real honest and open chat.

Does she feel pushed out by her sister? Insecure? Not good enough? That's what i'd be wondering. I know from experience that sisters can often fall into 'roles' that they keep on playing, even though it's not really who they want to be anymore. Might be even worse for twins. If her twin is the clever one, the good one, the responsible one, then by default hers might be the silly one, the rebel, the one who doesn't try.

Or she could just be lazy! As many of us are. Only you know.

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 29/01/2018 14:27

Well I am sure the lack of parental interest will help achieve your goal of only having just the one. Has she got some supportive friends? Maybe she'll do better moving in with them.

Original poster

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/01/2018 14:29

I've never told her she's shit, and I wouldn't dream of it. She's grown up hearing how bright she is, how much she could achieve, so quite the opposite.

I'm just pissed off with her lack of effort .... at 17!! She's not a kid.

I would love her to get an apprenticeship, I tried to talk to her and guide her that way at the end of year 11 but her school have drilled into the top sets that it is beneath them, so she wouldn't entertain it. That's a whole other thread with the school's attitude to apprenticeships. I recently asked her to look at the apprenticeship website with me, told her she could leave school, just walk away from it all and find something that interests her and pays a bit of money at the same time. Nope wouldn't even look.

OP posts:

Original poster

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/01/2018 14:31

Both equally bright, she doesn't struggle at school, she just doesn't like it.

OP posts:

frozenlake · 29/01/2018 14:35

I wonder if either of your DD's feel like adults, one is getting you to help plan open days at university and other seems to have limited understanding that she will soon finish school and need to do something with the next stage of her life. When you aren't feeling too frustrated you could maybe sit down with dd and talk about what her plans are and how realistic they are. Is she going to get the grades for uni? Does she want to go? Does she have any idea what areas she would like to study further? What are her back up plans? What are your expectations regarding leaving home? Not everyone at uni will be a straight A student so if she wants to go she may get more out of it than you think.

lostherenow · 29/01/2018 14:36

Its difficult but there is absolutely no point going to uni now unless you know what you want to do and it is likely to lead to a job. You don't want to be £45k in debt and never be able to study again in future if you do eventually decide what you want to do. There is no point going to uni just to party - you can do that at home. So you are doing her a favour. She is unlikely to see it that way now though.

Crumbs1 · 29/01/2018 14:36

I think you could end up with a very resentful daughter. Sometimes we have to drag them screaming and kicking towards success. Might it be planning university visits might help motivate her? Has she had careers advice to help her plan towards her future?
Work experience is excellent if linked to a career they want - or if used to help them decide.
Sounds like she’s living in a shadow and this must feel like it’s both at school and at home, poor child. Can you catch her being good and recognise it out loud? Bed is easy - take her bedding away at an agreed time each morning.
Maybe offer to take her out for a coffee/hot chocolate to get the work experience sorted and use the opportunity to talk more generally about support for A levels. It’s a stressful time and there is enough pressure without comparison with a golden child.
If she’s struggling academically
, consider an Easter Cramer at somewhere like Cherwell College that offer one to one intensive support or online Skype tutors like Alpha tutors to help her structure and build on school learning.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 29/01/2018 14:37

The trouble with MN is people tell you what you should do, but not what they would.

We are looking at uni's with DD. She has done all the research and arranged to visit open days. We have taken her to save the cost of travel, and I think it is important to discuss each uni with her to help her make the right choice.

With your other child I would support and encourage her in what she wants to do - but i wouldn't do it for her. If she's not at uni then she needs a job and to be paying rent (for food, warmth, her lovely bed and wifi).

Idontdowindows · 29/01/2018 14:39

She's grown up hearing how bright she is, how much she could achieve, so quite the opposite.

So did I. What nobody took into account, was that school, and especially academia, just wasn't it for me.

I went, oh I went. And I left after year 2, was entirely autodidact in my eventual chosen profession and absolutely loved what I did and was pretty bloody good at it.

But those 2 years? Wasted. I wish I had pissed them away on parties and booze now.

Jdabbers · 29/01/2018 14:39

Does she have any interests at all?

I remember frustrating my mother and equally myself because I didn't know what I wanted to do or commit to studying for 3-4 years and costing my parents money. I only did A Levels because everyone else did.

I tried to ignore feeling 'lost' similar behaviour to your daughter. To add to that I just did not enjoy the classroom set up and the thought of that for another 4 years filled me with dread.

I took a year out, worked and my father encourage me to travel. Turned out I liked travelling and I went to uni to study in the related field.

She'll figure it out, please don't give up she may just need more time

Callamia · 29/01/2018 14:42

My brother and I were like your daughters - except we aren’t twins, so I think the comparison didn’t feel so stark.

I did everything myself, and I don’t feel like I ‘slipped under the radar’, I was happier getting on with it. My brother tried university twice, and didn’t complete thirst year twice - years apart, totally different subjects. He was the Party Boy, but some (lost) years later, he’s worked it all out and is doing great.

I get that it’s frustrating, but I absolutely agree that there’s no point in going to university if it’s not what you want to do. She can go later, or not at all, but far better to work that out than be pushed (so I think you’re doing the right thing).

SpiritedLondon · 29/01/2018 14:55

When did parents start driving all of this so much? I sorted out my own uni and went and found my own accommodation without requiring anyone else to hold my hand. A colleague was recently telling me about his attempts to get his child a part- time job - how he’s done the CV and is delivering it to shops etc. No sign of the child in any of this. I would suggest to your DD that it is her responsibility to sort out her work experience and if she wants some help you’re happy to be there but you’re not organising it for her. Also if she wants to discuss her future plans you’d love to hear them. However, I’d make it clear that anyone not in full time education will need to get a job and will be expected to the household finances - in whatever way you feel appropriate.

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