Or is Dh moving goal posts?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Before I get flamed by the AIBU hardcore I would like to point out that I am well aware that this is a first world problem. It’s still bloody annoying though.

Dh inherited some money last year. We’ve paid off what we had left on the mortgage, done the house up, put some aside for the kids and the savings and planned to update our cars. Dh said he was getting his first as he’d had his longer and it was much older than mine. Fair enough.

Been excitedly trawling through the used car ads for the car I like, researching the different models and working out the best spec for the price. Had a rough budget based on the same as he’s outlaid, so we both get the same amount, plus the trade in value for mine. We’re not talking tens of thousands. Although a three year old version of what I want costs more than his brand new, except I’ll get more for my trade in which then makes it affordable.

He’s ordered himself a brand new car. Fair enough. I happened to mention tonight about when it will be my turn and apparently he’s not spending out on two cars in one year.

That wasn’t what he said before. He said once he’s got his I could have mine. AIBU in that it’s his inheritance so it’s up to him how it’s spent or is he being unfair? I’ve clearly overthought this because I just don’t know what to do now.

YANBU. Selfish and also not open and honest.

Have you asked him why he’s reneged on his promise? I can understand it if you didnt have the inheritance but it seems cruel of him to offer then retract?

Aye that would be bloody irritating OP. He has moved the goalposts. I’m not sure what you can do about it though other than point out the conversation at the beginning and asking to explain why that’s changed.

It's very strange of him today one thing and then do another. Can you just buy the car anyway?

YANBU - goal posts have definitely been moved. I’d be livid in your position.

his inheritance, YABU

Was this your plan about you getting a new car too and him saying “I’ll get my car first and then we’ll see about getting you one too?”. If so, he should have been clearer but given that he’s put money towards family things and you don’t need a new car, YABU. It’s his inheritance.

his inheritance, YABU

Yeah he can promise what he likes and then take it away because it’s his inheritance so can act like a cock and disappoint someone he loves coz that’s not shit at all is it?

Thank you for not flaming me, I appreciate it’s not the end of the world but it was a nice treat to look forward to after everything we’ve been through, ie losing family and the inheritance coming about.

He is extremently stubborn and very careful with money. Trying to get him to back down when he’s made his mind up is near impossible. I don’t think he wanted to spend the money on me to begin with. Apparently he also wants to take us to America in the holidays. Sounds lovely but the kids have never even been abroad and that’s a bloody big trip. I’d rather have the car and then perhaps a short haul trip to get the kids used to flying. Quite honestly I find the thought of three weeks in America when I haven’t flown in fifteen years rather daunting myself. He’s obviously got his own plans for the money which don’t need my input.

I think I’m just disappointed again. How can I articulate to him without it ending in a row that he’s actually being a bit unfair? Do I actually have a say in how this money is spent?

No but you can refuse the trip to America. I wouldn’t want to take the bairn long haul either for that amount of time with no tester first. But given recent events I wouldn’t believe him anyway and would warn him not to mention it to the kids in case he changes his mind.

There will come a point when you’re glad he’s spent up.

To be honest, it sounds like the inheritance was substantial enough to allow you to pay off the mortgage, buy a new car, and still have some money over for a stellar holiday. If you replace the stellar holiday with a another nice-but-second-hand car, it just sounds a bit ... sensible. Can you sit down together and look at the spends and work out what you might have budgeted for a family holiday, and when you might have changed cars, and see what is reasonable, for this and next year?

I’ve an acquaintance who won money in the pools, a five figure sum in the late 1990s. He and his wife spent it on a bathroom, fitted wardrobes and hall-and-landing carpets. When he told me, I couldn’t help wishing they’d blown at least a bit of it in Disneyworld.

I understand this might make you feel down the pecking order, especially since his car is new-new, and it reads that he didn’t consult you about this, but ...

You’re probably right. Once it’s gone it’s gone.

Bollocks. I was really excited about the car. He definitely said that he was updating his before me. At no point did he say no, you’re not replacing your car this year. If he had I wouldn’t be having this conversation now.

And no I don’t need a newer car. It’s just that I’ve had this one for five years now and I do usually replace them at around this time. The money for big purchases comes out of the family pot. It’s never been his and mine. I’m a sahp and everything’s always been fairly shared. I suppose I - wrongly - assumed that a couple of hundred grand of inheritance would be family money. That’s a shit load of money for us.

Aaargh. Fuck it. It’s not worth arguing about with him. I might well tell him I’m not fucking about with America just yet though.

I don't understand his reasoning about not spending on two cars in one year. That only makes sense if it's earned money, that has to be - well, earned!

The clincher here isn't whether it's "his" money - it's that he said you were going to replace both cars. And now he's going back on it, with no good reason. I actually think it's silly to replace a car that doesn't need replacing just because of the inheritance. I'm all for live a bit but you've had spends, you can live a bit more from earnings now that you're mortgage free. I'd consider the car as unnecessary money pissed up a wall that could have been saved for the children in future, or retirement - or even a car, just when it actually needed to be replaced. But that doesn't matter! What matters is he promised on thing and went back on it - out of order!

I'm on his "side" about America though. It's a pretty common holiday destination, and I don't see why anybody needs to practise flying.

So I'd keep the discussion focused. Throwing in "well I'm not going to America" in a tit for tat way will make you look childish. Stick to the car discussion, tell him you agreed it before, and you want to go ahead with that plan so you need to understand what's going on. If this is going to be a big relationship issue over views on his and her money, keep it to that - don't inflame it with the holiday refusal.

But isn't paying off the mortgage, doing up the house, making savings accounts for the kids and planning a family holiday a fairly strong indication that he also sees it as family money?

I think you are being somewhat unreasonable. He said "my car first, then let's think about yours". When he now says "not two new cars in the one year", well he might not have moved the goalposts. That might be what he meant all along - his new car in 2018, your new car the following year.

In any case, I think it's a communication issue and its entirely unfair for you to huff like on your last post that "I just thought it should be family money". It sound like he has allocated the huge proportion of it to family security and family needs.

Yes it is disappointing as you had understood differently. However I think there is a clear difference in the directly bereaved person getting a "treat" like a new car from the inheritance and the rest being family, and the spouse of the bereaved person expecting their own treat too.

On the holiday to America, your reasons sound ridiculous. Being on a plane for 7 hours is little different than being on one for 2 hours. Children won't need to "get used" to flying, and most children will prefer longer flights with TV screens etc anyway. If you don't want to go, that's fine and valid, but to present it as in the interests of the children seems very odd to me.

In sum, talk to your husband. Be clear. Does he still see you getting an new car, but next year rather than now? Has he changed his mind completely and if so why? What is the best family holiday to suit all of you? Etc. lots of communication needed.

I (personally) think you’d be mad not to consider a big holiday, stateside or wherever. You’ve had a substantial windfall. Paying the mortgage appears to be an agreed position . Getting your H a car, new or nearly new, as a priority over yours, appears to be reasonable too. Choosing a big holiday v a replacement car WITH THE LEFTOVERS should definitely be considered. Again, consider the budget you would have had for your annual holiday without this windfall, the money you would have had for mortgage repayments, and the normal timeline you would have had for upgrading your car, on one salary, and have a conversation on that basis.

Lots of very valid points there, lots to think about, thanks. I know I sound petty stamping my foot about the holiday but tbh I didn’t want to go anyway. I’m sure the kids would love it but it would be far too busy, touristy and knackering for me personally. I guess I’m just feeling a bit sideswiped about the u-turn on the car. Every decision seems to be his though. I was suggesting that rather than pay off the entire mortgage, keep a token amount going so if we ever want to borrow any more money in the future, eg he wants to put down a deposit on a buy to let mortgage in a year or two and get a holiday home for a bit of extra income, we could have borrowed on the same tracker mortgage that we were lucky enough to still have from way back. You can’t get them very easily now. We’ve lost that account now, he’s paid it off and closed it.

I’m waffling. It’s late and I’m tired.

You certainly seen open to listening to the debate on here so hopefully you should be able to have clear and open communication with your husband. Factor in also the emotional impact on inheritances too. You don't say who the deceased person was but regardless of the closeness of the relationship, there is something about inheritance that can make it difficult to always be rational. There is a feeling of "would Grandad/Mum/Aunt Mary really want to see me spend her life savings like this?" I do think t is different than, say, a lottery win or a huge bonus or stockmarket windfall.

Yes you’re right. It was my Fil. It was a difficult relationship though, he was a narcissistic man and Dh is nothing like him, thank god. If it has clouded his judgment on how to spend the money he hasn’t mentioned it. He cried when our dog died. He never shed a tear for his father.

I've inherited some money and i can feel my dad looking over my shoulder at how it's been spent. There have been no new cars or holidays in this house!

Would your dad disapprove Bluelady?

He most definitely would!

I think the crux of the issue here is that he has changed what he decided to do without actually consulting you. Does he usually make decisions without you like this?

I'm going to go against the grain here, it was his inheritance.

I think that he has paid off your mortgage and set up savings for kids etc says he has taken care of his family he also bought himself a new car, you seem upset he is making the final decisions but it isn't your money to decide with.

It would be a different story if he had kept it all to himself but he hasn't.

With both America and the car it sounds like he's being high handed and saying 'This is my money and I'll spend it how I want without consulting you.'

Do you think he realises that's effectively what he's saying?

I agree with beingsunny

He's set you up for life by paying off your mortgage.