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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is Dh moving goal posts?

92 replies

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 28/01/2018 23:16

Before I get flamed by the AIBU hardcore I would like to point out that I am well aware that this is a first world problem. It’s still bloody annoying though.

Dh inherited some money last year. We’ve paid off what we had left on the mortgage, done the house up, put some aside for the kids and the savings and planned to update our cars. Dh said he was getting his first as he’d had his longer and it was much older than mine. Fair enough.

Been excitedly trawling through the used car ads for the car I like, researching the different models and working out the best spec for the price. Had a rough budget based on the same as he’s outlaid, so we both get the same amount, plus the trade in value for mine. We’re not talking tens of thousands. Although a three year old version of what I want costs more than his brand new, except I’ll get more for my trade in which then makes it affordable.

He’s ordered himself a brand new car. Fair enough. I happened to mention tonight about when it will be my turn and apparently he’s not spending out on two cars in one year.

That wasn’t what he said before. He said once he’s got his I could have mine. AIBU in that it’s his inheritance so it’s up to him how it’s spent or is he being unfair? I’ve clearly overthought this because I just don’t know what to do now.

OP posts:
araiwa · 29/01/2018 04:26

He said he would buy himself a new car first then get you one after

The problem is for him after was next year, for you it was next day.

Hes paid off the house, set up his kids and is looking at a family holiday- he has hardly been selfish

Lisarism · 29/01/2018 04:30

Maybe if your car would erm... 'accidentally' break.... Then he'd be more inclined to let you get a new one. Or wait til it's MOT time, and hope there's quite abit of work to be done

mustlovedogs · 29/01/2018 04:36

If I inherited money from someone I'd share it equally with my husband, there's no his and mine. I wouldn't buy myself something to bring me joy while he hangs around waiting for me to 'let him' have the same. Either you're equal, or you're not.

GunnyHighway · 29/01/2018 06:24

Three of you mention his"promise" but I can't see that he promised anywhere in the OP.

It's his money, he paid of the mortgage, sorted the kids (I make that two unselfish acts) then got his self a new car.

If this was a blokes OP he'd be a labeled cocklodger.

Flywheel · 29/01/2018 06:46

One thing that struck me from your post - your new car costs more than your dh's and your justification for this is that your trade in is worth more. Why, may I ask, do you always end up with the most valuable car? I agree with other posters that you both should be equals, but that's not particularly equal.

Veterinari · 29/01/2018 06:53

Does he always dismiss your input OP?

Whilst he’s been very generous it also seem like he’s been quite controlling - he’s paid off the mortgage when it would have been sensible to leave it open, he’s decided you’re all going to America etc.

Do you get a say?

LolitaLempicka · 29/01/2018 07:02

Why would you update both cars when your kids have never even been abroad. Cars are fucking cars. Give your family some memories.

octonaught · 29/01/2018 07:06

Just wait a year for a new car, 5 years old is hardly on its last legs. And go on the holiday to America. Sometimes jou just have to suck it up.
Just say you would like your new car at the beginning of 2019.

bluebells1 · 29/01/2018 07:06

From your OP "apparently he’s not spending out on two cars in one year" Which makes a lot of sense. So he is, in effect, agreeing to get a new one next year? Won't your car last one more year?

Also, it is his money to spend with in a way that he desires. He has contributed to the family by 1) paying off the mortgage and 2) agreeing to take your family on a long holiday. You seem to be the controlling one with your set ideas about travel, mortgage, cars etc. Get a grip.

ADuckNamedSplash · 29/01/2018 07:15

I think you are being somewhat unreasonable. He said "my car first, then let's think about yours". When he now says "not two new cars in the one year", well he might not have moved the goalposts. That might be what he meant all along - his new car in 2018, your new car the following year.
*
I agree with this - I think it's a miscommunication rather than him changing the goalposts. He was clear about him getting his first, but if he intended to get both within a short period of time, the order wouldn't matter, would it? I think you just assumed something different and are judging him too harshly now that the discrepancy has come to light.*

ADuckNamedSplash · 29/01/2018 07:15

Sorry - bold text fail when quoting there!

stickytoffeevodka · 29/01/2018 07:23

I think you've both taken things differently.

He wanted to get his car sorted first and yours next - fine. But you think "next" means next week, whereas for him "next" could mean next year or when it's x years old.

But I would definitely prioritise a family holiday to America above upgrading s five year old car! Mine is 16 years old and still running fine.

geekone · 29/01/2018 07:29

YABU sorry. After doesn't mean straight after it wouldn't to me either. Also because you are p'd off and don't fancy it you are happy for your kids to miss out on the holiday of a lifetime. Seems sad. The US and Florida don't need to be big busy crowded holidays and your kids would love it there. Don't be a stick in the mud to prove a point. Sorry op.

kaytee87 · 29/01/2018 07:32

It's annoying that he's changed his mind but you really don't need to update your car every 5 years. Our cars are ancient but in good working order, we could afford new ones but think it's a waste. Maybe your dh sees it as a waste too. You need to ask him his reasoning.
Now the mortgage has been paid off could you use some of the spare money to save up for a car or get one on finance?
WRT the holiday Id really try and get on board if you think the kids will love it.
I don't think it's fair to say your dh isn't seeing it as family money, he's only bought himself one extra thing as far as I can see.

jellycat1 · 29/01/2018 07:34

Come on. Read your post again. Of course yabu.

kaytee87 · 29/01/2018 07:34

Why would you update both cars when your kids have never even been abroad. Cars are fucking cars. Give your family some memories.

I also think it's a bit odd that you usually update your car every 5 years but haven't ever taken your family abroad.

kath6144 · 29/01/2018 07:42

Op I agree with you in that he is being selfish, he has changed the goalposts.

The phrase that jumped out at me is apparently he’s not spending out on two cars in one year. Fine, tell him that he doesn't have to spend on 2. You will spend on the second one (using money from savings). You can be as pedantic with wording as he is with the money!!

I hope that some of the savings are in your name too, not just his?

Yes it was his inheritance, but surely paying off the mortgage means there is now considerably more spare money per month, for either of you to decide how to spend? Or does he have the last word on how money is spent?

I also had an inheritance from my mum 2 yrs ago, plus a lump sum from my employer being unexpectedly sold (I had had shares for years). The cash went straight into joint savings, as 'our money'. I did change my car last year, for a nearly new one, DH can also do same if he wants, but he seems happy running his down for a while. He has always wanted to do a camper conversion, which there is money for, but we have a few items in house to sort first, plus buying DD a run around when she passes.

We have discussed getting a holiday home too, which would be instead of camper, but it would be a joint decision. In the meantime both ISAs are being topped up. Kids got an inheritence of their own 2yrs ago, which is topping up their ISAs.

Maybe ask him how he would feel if it was your inheritance and you had prevented him updating his car?

I could understand no second car if it meant not clearing mortgage, but given that you have done that, topped up savings etc, then why cant you have a car?

Whereabouts in US does he want to go, and how old are DC? We went west coast last year, 3 wks with some travelling around. It was tiring, ours 19 & 17 and we still had grumpy kids on some days!! We all agreed it was a wonderful holiday, saw and did some superb things, but not restful in the slightest.

pilates · 29/01/2018 07:43

YABVU

It’s his inheritance to do what he likes with. He has paid off the mortgage and done the house up. He hasn’t said he won’t buy you a car, just not yet, may be he will review the position next year. You are coming across spoilt and entitled and why be crabby about a nice family holiday to America?

falang · 29/01/2018 07:44

YABU. It's his inheritance. The majority of it has been spent on stuff that benefits the whole family. He's entitled to this

extinctspecies · 29/01/2018 07:52

Men can be a bit irrational when it comes to cars!

Presumably you will quite often use his car for family trips, so you'll benefit from it too.

Let him have his new car (paid for by his inheritance) and try not to be so resentful.

Notasunnybunny · 29/01/2018 07:56

If it’s Orlando insist on staying at the four seasons, it makes the whole Disney experience bearable - then get a car on hp, then you know a fixed figure to budget to and can switch it out ever 3-4 years. The money doesn’t have to be spent in a lump.

Boffin90 · 29/01/2018 08:10

It’s interesting how people say it’s his money.
The fact the op used the words dh not dp I would assume they are married.
Whether people agree or not it is a joint marital asset.

Why judge them updating cars instead of holidays? Every family chooses to live life differently.
Yes, I personally think he is selfish as he is going back on a promise.

GunnyHighway · 29/01/2018 08:14

he is going back on a promise.

And for the second time, what promise? The OP made no mention of a promise in any posts.

Spartaca · 29/01/2018 08:14

But what is his logic? It sounds very arbitrary, you can afford to change cars but he says no just because?

sirfredfredgeorge · 29/01/2018 08:16

Men can be a bit irrational when it comes to cars!

The OP seems just as irrational, getting all excited and then put out because their perfectly good 5 year old car is not getting updated!