Or is Dh moving goal posts?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Before I get flamed by the AIBU hardcore I would like to point out that I am well aware that this is a first world problem. It’s still bloody annoying though.

Dh inherited some money last year. We’ve paid off what we had left on the mortgage, done the house up, put some aside for the kids and the savings and planned to update our cars. Dh said he was getting his first as he’d had his longer and it was much older than mine. Fair enough.

Been excitedly trawling through the used car ads for the car I like, researching the different models and working out the best spec for the price. Had a rough budget based on the same as he’s outlaid, so we both get the same amount, plus the trade in value for mine. We’re not talking tens of thousands. Although a three year old version of what I want costs more than his brand new, except I’ll get more for my trade in which then makes it affordable.

He’s ordered himself a brand new car. Fair enough. I happened to mention tonight about when it will be my turn and apparently he’s not spending out on two cars in one year.

That wasn’t what he said before. He said once he’s got his I could have mine. AIBU in that it’s his inheritance so it’s up to him how it’s spent or is he being unfair? I’ve clearly overthought this because I just don’t know what to do now.

He’s always been controlling about money

He’s not stingy with the joint account though, he shares his disposable income

Which one is it?

He shares his disposable income. Anything above that is his. So overtime, investments, inheritance, bond payouts, savings, etc.

You still seem to be viewing this as him moving the goalposts, rather than each of you having a different interpretation of what he said. I'll repeat my question: if he really had meant that you would get your car as soon as he had his, why bother stating that he was getting his first? If both cars were going to be purchased in a similar timescale, why would the order matter?

I suppose he's starting to see the end of the money and thinks it's time to stop spending so much. It's a bit annoying but is not like he's left you without a car.

OP - it does sound a bit odd that he won't let you look at the bank balance. Why on earth would that be? Also, why do you have to buy your "own bits and bobs" if you have a joint account. This sounds a bit off to me.

Just research the car and then show him the one you want with a definite price. Tell him you're getting it anyway for safety reasons. The only thing I think you're being a bit of a stick in the mud about is the holiday. Just suck it up and go - the kids are only young once and when you look back it's the holidays you remember.

He is being extremely U keeping money back for himself. That is a control freak and the sign of peculiarity over money. I'm a SAHM too, but no way would I be under those circumstances.

Same question as aducknamedsplash

What I want to know is how many of you would watch your partner get excited and research something knowing you were going to pull the rug on that? Even if it was a ‘misunderstanding’.

Maybe you could but I couldn’t. Or do you lot do your excited thing secret and keep a poker face at all times?

Honestly this place when it comes to money

YABU, at the end of the day it's his money. This post sounds very entitled

Entitled? Oh give over, they are married and have children together. If this was my DH and we had discussed getting new cars together, he would never change his mind, it wouldnt matter who had inherited the money. Similar if it was me who had inherited the money it simply would become family money.

It seems as though you have slightly different approaches to money and you don't really like the way he deals with it. So now that you suddenly have a lot of money it's not surprising that these difference have come into focus. It's not so much the new car, it's that you need to talk about money and decision making.

I wouldn't like not being able to see bank statements and so on, either. And i wouldn't like his assumption that because he earns the money, it is his. But with the inheritance from his dad, I would cut him a little more slack that it is his, I think. And he has done the right thing with loads of it, I don't see why he shouldn't treat himself to a new car really.

Can't you keep yours until you get a big bill and it is obviously sensible to change it?

What I want to know is how many of you would watch your partner get excited and research something knowing you were going to pull the rug on that? Even if it was a ‘misunderstanding’.

People seem very keen to paint the DH as a villain here! If it was a misunderstanding, it would have worked both ways - i.e. he thought they had discussed the fact that she wasn't getting the car for a while yet and had no idea he was about to "pull the rug on it" by restating that fact.

I'm several years away from buying a new kitchen, but that doesn't stop me researching it so that I'm well informed for when the time comes.

He shares his disposable income. Anything above that is his. So overtime, investments, inheritance, bond payouts, savings, etc.

Those things are all disposable income though, arent they? Money that is available to spend is disposable. If hes sharing his base salary but is then keeping all overtime and bonuses then he is keeping a large amount of his disposable income back for his own personal use.

Yes he does, he’s always been like that, I think it’s just an inherited behaviour from his parents and he doesn’t know how else to be. That’s a whole other thread.

Obviously we need to sit down and have a proper discussion about expectations and clarity. Obviously he can buy himself a new car, that’s not in question. He definitely said that we’d be looking for a new one for me next though and he knew I was doing my research. He could have said at any point ‘oh it’ll be next year’. But he didn’t. And now I feel disappointed. And it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one that thinks he could have explained himself better.

Op, are you saying that all savings, investments etc are in his name only? Nothing in your name? Do you have any pension provision?

If so, I guess a new car is the least of your worries!

What happens if he becomes seriously ill, or dies, would you have access to enough money to live on until you got PoA (which can be months) or grant of probate (which again can be months, and assumes that he has a will and you are the executor/beneficiary)?

If not, then I would be seriously concerned in your shoes. Inherited behaviour or not, he sounds abusive where money is concerned.

What would he do if you set up your own savings account or ISA, with a Direct debit from joint account? Would he allow that?

I accept there is usually one partner who organises most of the money - in our case it is me - but everything is joint except for ISAs, and we have roughly similar in those, plus we both have online access of all accounts, even the individual ISAs. All passwords are known to both of us.

Why is everything other than his income his? He sounds very financially controlling.

that is very financially controlling. lets be quite clear here, if you were to divorce you would be entitled to at least half if not more. None of those assets are HIS, they are considered to be family money.

So, your DP has set you up financially, paid off mortage, done up house, you don't work, planning trip of a lifetime and you're focusing on not getting a new car? Right

Please don't go off on one, really, just count your fucking blessings.