Or is Dh moving goal posts?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Before I get flamed by the AIBU hardcore I would like to point out that I am well aware that this is a first world problem. It’s still bloody annoying though.

Dh inherited some money last year. We’ve paid off what we had left on the mortgage, done the house up, put some aside for the kids and the savings and planned to update our cars. Dh said he was getting his first as he’d had his longer and it was much older than mine. Fair enough.

Been excitedly trawling through the used car ads for the car I like, researching the different models and working out the best spec for the price. Had a rough budget based on the same as he’s outlaid, so we both get the same amount, plus the trade in value for mine. We’re not talking tens of thousands. Although a three year old version of what I want costs more than his brand new, except I’ll get more for my trade in which then makes it affordable.

He’s ordered himself a brand new car. Fair enough. I happened to mention tonight about when it will be my turn and apparently he’s not spending out on two cars in one year.

That wasn’t what he said before. He said once he’s got his I could have mine. AIBU in that it’s his inheritance so it’s up to him how it’s spent or is he being unfair? I’ve clearly overthought this because I just don’t know what to do now.

YABU - He's actually been really sensible and paid off the mortgage and set aside amounts for the children (how old are they?) that is beneficial for the entire family. As is planning a family holiday to the States which is a huge treat. None of these are selfish acts and he has placed the family security before getting anything for himself from HIS inheritance. If it was me, I wouldn't begrudge him not buying me a car just because he fancied treating himself to an upgrade.

Do you seriously expect a 50:50 split of your DH's significant inheritance after he has already demonstrated that he has put the family's needs first?

How much are we talking about? How old are you & DH? No plans for bigger house/better location? What about putting the maximum you can into your pensions - up to £40K per tax year for the last 3 tax years so potentially up to £140K each.

Or rather up to £120K each for pensions.
Isa allowances of £20K each.
Maybe boring but financial security gives you choices in life....

Good point fredgeorge

I happily drove the same car for 15 years before deciding to 'upgrade' it.

and very good advice from rogue on updating pensions & ISAs.

"But what is his logic? It sounds very arbitrary, you can afford to change cars but he says no just because?"

It is wiser to do this in separate years to off set costs. They are OK financially, for now. Things change at the blink of an eye and to have to change 2 cars in one year is too much. Also gives you the option of better/newer cars.

Is your car 5 years old or have you had the car 5 year making it how many years old . .
OP was looking at second hand cars. DH has bought a brand new car .
Enjoy you holiday OP but don't any old work let he do all the planing. the packing . The sorting the kids out .

I think you are being incredibly unreasonable. You clearly didn't like your FIL but think you have the right to benefit from his money. He was your husbands father when all is said and done. I think your husband has been incredibly unselfish. I wonder if you would have shared if it was your inheritance?
Why don't you work OP? Are your children under school age? Sounds like you are a foot stamper if you don't get your way.
I think you sound mean and selfish. When a parent dies it is always a time for reflection. Sounds as if you have a lot more sympathy for yourself for driving a 5 year old car for doing school runs than for a bereaved partner.

YABU.

He's paid off the mortgage, put money away for the kids and he wants to pay for a very nice family holiday yet you're stamping your feet because he won't buy you a car yet?

He's hardly being selfish, you on the other hand come across as petulant and grabby, throwing a strop about the holiday because you'd rather have a car.

Get a grip.

One thing I picked up on was that you expected to spend more on a new car than him - with you having the trade-in value of your car to make up the difference. So you expect he'll share his inheritance equally, yet your car's value must only but put towards your replacement car?

It’s interesting how many people are saying that the holiday is a treat. Is it? Really? IME a ‘holiday’ for the family is a holiday maybe for the children and dad, it’s rarely a holiday for mum, more like even more hard work than usual.

OP - it does sound disappointing but is it likely, as others have suggested, that this was a miscommunication?

So really it’s perfectly ok to be promised something, be allowed to get excited about it and then have it taken away when the time comes?

Do you promise your kids something then take it away while taunting them about being grabby and entitled as well?

The point isn’t about the spending of any inheritance, it’s the promising something and taking it away then expected to suck it up. Anyone sneering at the OP would not be amused in the same position I would hazard a guess.

I would definitely prioritise a holiday of a lifetime in your situation over upgrading your car, which sounds as if it's perfectly adequate. Your SC won't remember you having a slightly nicer car, but they will remember an adventure like this trip would be. I think you come across as a bit selfish in this regard.

Perhaps DH is also thinking about when the cars next need replacing. If you both generally do so every five years, it's a commitment to outlay a significant sum on both every five years.

You are a married couple and the inheritance should be shared! My fiancé is due a substantial sum of money and he has said it will be ours and it will benefit both of us!!!! I said no it’s yours and he replied in a relationship things are shared even stuff like this end of!

If you would usually replace your 5-year old car around now anyway, then why can't you continue that trend under "normal" family finances, aside from what he clearly sees as "his" inheritance?

But that would make me a bit . When dh's mum died, and we were discussing what we might do with it, I did at one point say, "Well, it's your money really, so it's up to you on that one." He was appalled and reminded me we were a team and a family and a couple and I had every bit as much say as he did.

We can't know if he's moving the goalposts unless we know he said exactly 'we'll buy your new car immediately after I've bought mine'.

As it stands, it could be the case that he was vague and OP assumed that 'after' meant immediately after. As it is, he's already waited since last year to buy his own.

I think that even if he has moved the goalposts, you need to let this one go, OP. Yes, the inheritance is being treated as family money, and as PP have said, the mortgage being paid off will free up a lot of monthly money for other purposes, as will lump sums of kid's savings.

And inheritance is slightly different as a contribution to family money anyway. It came from a father he had a difficult relationship with, and he's already spent vast chunks of it on improving his family's lives, and yes, treating himself. Even if he has moved back slightly from a promise, he might just be a bit overwhelmed by how much of that money is 'gone' already and wants to reflect a bit, feeling that his decisions might have been 'rash' in some way, or affected by grief.

I still have £2k from my grandparents that I could never settle on spending, after I bought myself a car for £600 from the rest of the inheritance.

Besides, I will never understand people who itch for a new car when they have a decent one without any problems.

YABU, at the end of the day it's his money. This post sounds very entitled.

Tbh I'm shocked at how much support your getting here. I read that as being very unreasonable.

Fair enough if he'd inherited it & said my money etc etc but he's paid off your mortgage, put money away for the kids, planning a trip of a lifetime for you all & your moaning that you can't upgrade your (not knackered) car!! Which you've agreed will be upgraded just not immediately.

I think you need to give him a break really.

For some reason this has really made me think and it's perhaps not about the car at all. You say you're a sahp, OP, yet your children are teenagers. You want to upgrade your car to one that's a higher spec than your husband's, yet it will be paid for from his inheritance.

My mum never did a day's paid work after I was born and I know (because she told me) that my dad really resented it. She was a registered nurse and he felt that once we were older she should contribute to the family finances.

I wonder if that's what's going on here? If maybe your husband has a little voice in his head saying "if she really wants a new car, why doesn't she go and earn some money to pay for it?" I may be completely wrong and there may be very valid reasons why you can't work but if not, maybe it's time you stepped up to the plate financially?

he was a narcissistic man and Dh is nothing like him, thank god

Apart from when it comes to his new car?

Jesus you're selfish! Denying your children a holiday they would love because YOU didn't get a new car! Buy one yourself - it's not like you have a mortgage to pay any more. I hope they go and leave you at home!

6 people have now mentioned that she was promised a new car. I've re-read the OP and still can't see that she was promised anything.

Tells - if buying a new car means someone's narcissistic, then we have a full on epidemic of narcissism .

As an adult, you should be independent enough to save up and buy your own car with your own money. He's your husband, not your daddy.

Gosh, lots of opinions there, thanks. Some way wide of the mark but that’s ok.

One thing that struck me from your post - your new car costs more than your dh's and your justification for this is that your trade in is worth more. Why, may I ask, do you always end up with the most valuable car?

I have better taste in cars. 😄 My car is the family car. I run the kids all over the place and we go on holiday in it etc. It’s got to be safe, reliable and comfortable. His car is like a van, it’s not comfy. My car is not five years old, it’s nearly ten years old. I’ve had it for five years. I bought it when it was already a few years old. As I will buy my next car. His last car was brand new and so will this one be. His money, up to him. My car doesn’t necessarily need replacing right now but I will trade it in before it starts to cost me money.

Good point about the pensions, I will mention it to him.

The money is his and I never said it wasn’t. My question was, was he being unfair in moving the goal posts? He would have done exactly the same thing if the money was in my bank account. He would have told me not to spend it yet. I appreciate he’s paid the mortgage off but it doesn’t just benefit me, does it? It’s his house too. Yes I am a sahp to primary school aged children who have never been abroad because we have never bothered to go. They’ve had lots of nice holidays in this country though, they’re not deprived.

I’m not stamping my feet. I am not going to demand that he buys me a car. I may go ahead and look at leasing one myself and wasting money on finance but that will have to come from the joint account.

I don’t work because we have no childcare outside of school. My parents are already dead and so is my lovely DMil. I wouldn’t have trusted Fil to look after a dog so childcare has never been an option. The one and only time he ever baby sat, we came home to find the kids climbing up chairs in the pantry to get to the top shelf while he sat watching tv in the living room.

We’ve always been able to manage on dh’s wages, he’s got a good job. It’s hard to ‘step up to the plate financially’ when decent part time jobs paying good money are hard to come by in school hours only.

He’s always been controlling about money. His parents were the same. All the inheritance is in his bank account and I’m not even allowed to loook at the balance. I only wanted to see because I’ve never had that much money in my account, ever. He’s not stingy with the joint account though, he shares his disposable income. I do have a small part time job helping out at the kids school which pays for my personal bits and bobs.

God that was long, sorry. Have tried to answer questions. I think I’ve talked longer then the original post really merited so thanks if you’ve read it all.

Tells - if buying a new car means someone's narcissistic, then we have a full on epidemic of narcissism

Not buying a new car, but being the only important one in the family that deserves a new car, yes.