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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To squash my DH's plans

116 replies

BarryMoose · 28/01/2018 20:46

I am prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

My DH passed his driving test almost a year ago. We bought a 2003 plate Peugeot 206 for him to use to get some confidence, go back and forward to work etc.

About 3 months ago, DH mentioned he would like to get a new car when his insurance renewal was up in Feb. We aren't what I would say "well off". We have a loan for the family car which I primarily drive as I do the school runs etc. He suggested that if he gave up smoking which would save £50 a month, could we increase the loan so that he could buy a new car. I said that was a good idea.

He's been at looking at cars and recently set his heart in a "World Series" - no idea what that is but they are about £3000 in our area. He hasn't been smoking since Xmas. He's had his renewal letter come through and not mentioned anything about this car for the past couple of weeks.

I happened to look today at how much we could increase the loan by for an extra £50 a month and it was £2000. I told him this and he's pissed off. He's basically said that I promised him a new car if he stopped smoking and he's been looking at cars around the £3k mark but now it's dropped to £2k and he doesn't want anything for £2k. I don't know where he got the £3k from as I never suggested what the increase would be. He's basically now implying that I should have looked sooner at the loan situation and it's 2 weeks till renewal and he's back at square 1. My arguement is it's not my car and why didn't he mention it sooner?!

I've come to bed and he's downstairs sulking. Who's being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 28/01/2018 23:48

I've come across people who don't realise that you can change your car mid year and just amend the policy, I bet he doesn't realise!

Scotinoz · 29/01/2018 00:01

YADNBU! Don't buy a wanky Megane. My husband has one and it's a pain in the backside, granted it's not a world series model. Insurance premiums are ridiculous, guzzles expensive petrol, needs lovingly cleaned weekly, alloys get too much attention, nothing unsavoury can go in the interior, you have to find the right Renault garage for servicing, and don't get me even started on the quote for the man who is going to strip and rewax it...

I do secretly love racing in it though

StillPissedOff · 29/01/2018 00:07

Can he increase his salary to pay for this car?

If not, he's just putting pressure on you to provide funding for his fantasy! And removing family money.

I'd say no, if it is safe for you to do so.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/01/2018 08:08

I really feel for you Moose, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I really think there has to be a compromise, somewhere along the line. I understand he's going to be disappointed, but heyhoe !
Do not sacrifice your family holiday

Sevendown · 29/01/2018 08:17

He helps you around the house?

It’s his housework too!

This doesn’t make him a saint it makes him satisfactory.

Does he do 50% of childcare and chores?

Does he bring in 50% of the money?

Does he get more leisure time than you?

You are mothering him, you know this. It’s up to you whether you want to do this till you die.

acatcalledjohn · 29/01/2018 08:29

To add: I'm a Megane owner and electrically the car is awful. I've found it's mechanically solid though. And the money charged to repair things:

Window motor/regulator: £350-£400 per window. And they break a lot.

Getting to the headlight unit to replace bulbs takes a lot of practice.

I really wouldn't choose a Renault when this one gives up the ghost.

SlowDown76mph · 29/01/2018 08:44

This!
DO NOT BUY A RENAULT (or indeed any French car if you can help it). I have one and they are notorious for electrical faults and yes, mine is riddled with them

Tell him to get a quote for a simple thing like changing a front light bulb... (no, it isn't an easy job)

Isetan · 29/01/2018 09:15

This isn’t about a car, this is about petulant behaviour that is a direct consequence of your mother/ child relationship dynamic. In the context of your ‘I do everything admin related’ role within your relationship, his disappointment is very understandable.

It’s time to talk about your relationship dynamic, just because he finds things difficult doesn’t mean you should accept responsibility for them. I get it, as necessarily convenient your role in the dynamic has been, his lack of responsibility in certain areas has bred a level of expectation which when not met, leads to contempt. Parenting adults always leads to these types of imbalances and that’s why you need to resist the urge to Mother him.

‘all things admin’ role is

Original poster

BarryMoose · 29/01/2018 09:33

Ok abit more about the dynamic in our relationship -

When he's on the early shift I do the housework, when he's on the late shift he does the housework. The same with childcare, when he's on the early shift I have them and when he's on the late shift he has them. I am at home for 80% of the time, I work part time at a supermarket on a Tuesday morning and all day Sunday (so he does everything on a Sunday childcare, cooking a meal ready for when I get home etc) I have a small business as well which I do from home. He occasionally works a Saturday when we are abit short or he does a night shift.

He is the our main income. My income is made up of my supermarket wage (minimal), my home business profit (minimal), child benefit and tax credits. We share a bank account and most of our money goes on the children.

I suppose this is why he feels hard done by because he never has anything for himself and because he's not good with money etc, he thought that by giving up smoking he could have this car. I'm waiting for him to come home from work and I'm going to sit him down and show him our bank statements to show him exactly what goes in and out to try and get him to understand that I'm not saying it to be harsh!

OP posts:

PramWanker · 29/01/2018 09:59

If he struggles to read and write, and by the sound of things also somewhat with numeracy, it's reasonable for you to be the person who does the research. But he should still have taken some responsibility for asking you to research the thing he wanted to know about.

Do you have things 'for yourself' OP? It's an unfortunate fact of life that sometimes low income people don't get that luxury. There are often financial posts on here from people whose OHs are railing against the limits of the family budget. And I sympathise, but not when they effectively start to blame the other person for spelling out the numbers to them.

Haint · 29/01/2018 17:01

FOr fellow suffers it’s actually quite straightforward to change the window motors yourself. You can buy a bit off eBay for a tenner and watch a YouTube video.

Fixing the blacked out screen that shows ALL the important information is less so.

And the haunted interior lights that come on and off at random and occasionally drain the battery

HeckyPeck · 29/01/2018 17:27

I hope the talk later goes well.

If there's no spare money that's the end of the discussion really. A lot of parents work hard and don't have spare money to treat themselves because they money goes on the kids.

PramWanker · 29/01/2018 18:47

Exactly.

It's quite telling as well OP that you're accepting his framing of the issue as you squashing his plans. When, if you only have £50 a month spare and that will only buy a 2k car, it's not you who's responsible for that state of affairs OP. You don't set loan rates.

milliemolliemou · 29/01/2018 19:48

OP he sounds as if he's a good man who's trying. He's off drugs and ?alcohol? and is now giving up smoking. He's weathered an appalling childhood and the inability to read and write and inability to do maths. He's supporting you and is the main wage earner.

I can see you are at the end of your tether and he shouldn't be sulking (though giving up fags meant no one could touch me with a barge pole for months) . Don't talk to him until you're calm.

Can you both spare the time to look online at cars? You both need to look at the cost, impact on insurance, cost of repairs, mpg and petrol costs, reliability etc. Perhaps you could find out why he's fixated on this Megane? As PPs have said, it doesn't have to be done at insurance renewal time.

But do you think down the line he'd consider an adult education course if he can fit it in so he could learn to read and write? Not easy on shift work and when you live in the sticks and he's covering you for childcare on your shifts. Is there an online course or is that ridiculous given you need online skills to access it?

I wish you both well from the bottom of my heart.

Hissy · 29/01/2018 19:50

Why not put the £50 in an account or jar or something and save up the £1000 he’s short...

Pigglesworth · 29/01/2018 20:31

My partner had a Renault Megane that was an absolute lemon. It had problems all the time and broke down regularly. The repairs were so expensive. I think you need to research together "Renault Megane lemon" on Google (and "Renault Megane problems" etc.) There is a lot of information out there. We will never again buy a Renault or French car. We both now have Japanese cars that are 100% reliable. Perhaps he can research Japanese cars that have a similar "feel" to them (Honda or Suzuki?)

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