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AIBU?

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Original poster

To squash my DH's plans

116 replies

BarryMoose · 28/01/2018 20:46

I am prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

My DH passed his driving test almost a year ago. We bought a 2003 plate Peugeot 206 for him to use to get some confidence, go back and forward to work etc.

About 3 months ago, DH mentioned he would like to get a new car when his insurance renewal was up in Feb. We aren't what I would say "well off". We have a loan for the family car which I primarily drive as I do the school runs etc. He suggested that if he gave up smoking which would save £50 a month, could we increase the loan so that he could buy a new car. I said that was a good idea.

He's been at looking at cars and recently set his heart in a "World Series" - no idea what that is but they are about £3000 in our area. He hasn't been smoking since Xmas. He's had his renewal letter come through and not mentioned anything about this car for the past couple of weeks.

I happened to look today at how much we could increase the loan by for an extra £50 a month and it was £2000. I told him this and he's pissed off. He's basically said that I promised him a new car if he stopped smoking and he's been looking at cars around the £3k mark but now it's dropped to £2k and he doesn't want anything for £2k. I don't know where he got the £3k from as I never suggested what the increase would be. He's basically now implying that I should have looked sooner at the loan situation and it's 2 weeks till renewal and he's back at square 1. My arguement is it's not my car and why didn't he mention it sooner?!

I've come to bed and he's downstairs sulking. Who's being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 28/01/2018 21:51

OP, why are you enabling his irresponsibility and 'mothering' him?
You're making a rod for your own back.

He's a 33 year old grown man who needs to take responsibility for his own shit!
He's also a parent and needs to own that responsibility , not act like he's 'helping' you with housework & childcare like it's automatically your responsibility simply because you have a vagina!

His parents didn't give a fuck whether he went to school or not and he struggles to read and write
So - as an adult - what is he doing about this? Why is this not a priority above getting a 'bigger' car?
How about he sucks up keeping this car and attends adult literacy classes?

he openly admits he's useless with money. He wouldn't have the first clue how to use online banking
At 33 years old this is a pathetic cop out!
These are basic skills he needs to learn for himself.
He needs to stop playing the victim and grow up - he can own/drive a car, hold down a job but 'can't' learn how to manage simple finances?
Again - he needs to attend adult (maths) classes if he 'can't' do this

his argument is why didn't I check sooner so that he didn't get his hopes up
Wtf?! Are you supposed to be his partner or his mother?
This man-child behaviour is such an unattractive trait in a man.....i don't know why you enable it or how you can still have sex with him after 'mothering' him.

LIZS · 28/01/2018 21:52

French cars are hideously expensive to maintain. I doubt 3k would buy a particularly low mileage , well maintained special edition.

Original poster
BarryMoose · 28/01/2018 21:52

Schlim he does a lot of overtime but all that seems to go on other things like vets bills, school related money trips uniform
Etc, saving for a family holiday.

Which is why I suppose I feel a pang of guilt because he does work hard and never has anything for himself, but as others have said we need to live within our means.

OP posts:
Youngmystery · 28/01/2018 21:52

He's an idiot if he thinks a Renault is good. Parts are cheap but they are crap. They always break, electrics are terrible. It will be forever breaking honestly.

You can get them cheaper than 3grand too. But I won't go near French cars ever again. All shoddy and cheap.

MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 28/01/2018 21:53

We all have a budget to stick to in life, he can sulk all he likes but the sensible thing would be to continue to save rather than increase any loans especially for a non essential item, can he do some over time? amazing that he's given up smoking and maybe that's why he's acting like a man child but ridiculous at the same time. I wouldn't let my dh get us into debt over a boy racer car!

Kiki275 · 28/01/2018 22:04

Hi OP, I'd suggest looking at a whole range of cars as the insurance quotes make absolutely no sense sometimes. I traded in a 1.5L 10 yr old nissan almera for a 3yr old 2L Audi A3 and my insurance premium went down by about £50 for the year. Sadly, that had to go and I bought a motorised roller-skate instead.... premium went up. Having a banger may not necessarily be the cheapest option. When he's stopped sulking give him autotrader and a comparison site and whatever he saves on the insurance he can have towards the car. May also be helpful to get some reliability stats as well.. Just because it's not what he wants now doesn't mean he won't end up with a car to be proud of x

Boysnme · 28/01/2018 22:06

OP, I know I’m missing the point on this but just double check when you get the insurance that you can use your no claims discount on it. I thought you could only use it on one car - your age and length of time with a licence will still bring down the premium but I don’t think you can use the no claims twice (assuming its used on your family car).

FlashTheSloth · 28/01/2018 22:10

I know so many people who have had Megane's and every single one has gone massively wrong and costs a fortune. My 17 year old Honda keeps sailing through the MOT and is dirt cheap to insure, but I've been driving for years.

He sounds like a bloody toddler, stamping his foot because he can't get what his mates have. Tell him to grow up and he can have the car he wants when he starts taking some responsibility and learns how to manage these things himself. How on earth would he ever manage if you split up! An adult should always be able to manage money and have a good grasp of finances.

Original poster
BarryMoose · 28/01/2018 22:12

Boys when it asked for additional drivers - I put in my details and it asked how long I held a license and how many years NCD, then how many other cars I had use of (1 in this case) Not sure whether that was used in relation to the insurance price or whether it was for info purposes

OP posts:
lightcola · 28/01/2018 22:14

Sounds like you’re dealing with a teenager

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/01/2018 22:16

But if you allow him this privilege, you'll be making a rod for your back.
Could you look at alternatives with him, he's got to man up.
Tell him his day will come, but now is not the time !

Boysnme · 28/01/2018 22:18

I would just double check that it isn’t being used twice. Last thing you want is both your policies being invalid. I could be completely wrong on that though.

EggsonHeads · 28/01/2018 22:18

I'd be a bit Hmm if my own child behaved this way. If my DH pulled a stunt like this, well, let's just say thatcreading this is making my ovaries shrivel up a tiny bit. YANBU at all.

DerelictWreck · 28/01/2018 22:18

DO NOT BUY A RENAULT

In contrast - we had our Renault Scenic 16 years with barely a fault! Only traded it in because we really fancies a new car, still worked to the end!

Original poster
BarryMoose · 28/01/2018 22:20

sugar I showed him an Astra (newer shape), 62,000 miles 2005 plate that was advertised for £1500 and straight away he said the car he wants is a World Series. I said I want a Range Rover vogue!!! But he said that's different because they are stupid money Confused

OP posts:
Charolais · 28/01/2018 22:21

He is lucky to have found you and well done him for turning his life around because it sounds like he had a bad start in life. I hope he’ll get his dream car soon. Maybe you could skip the family hols this year, he doesn’t ask for much and deserves the car he loves.

Original poster
BarryMoose · 28/01/2018 22:24

Charolais Thankyou. He tells everyone I'm his guardian angel because he truely believes he would be dead if I hadn't of helped him overcome his demons.

I need to speak with him tomorrow, I'm too angry tonight

OP posts:
Jackyjill6 · 28/01/2018 22:29

Going against the grain here, I would look to see if there was any way to afford the car. You say that he works hard, and never has things for himself.
Also, if he has just stopped smoking, it will help him stay stopped, partly as the car is a big reward for stopping, and also he will be using the smoking money to help pay the loan.

saladdays66 · 28/01/2018 22:36

Charolais and jacks - you are both talking about op’s h as if he were a teen. He is 33!!

Sounds like op needs a holiday more than her h needs a fancier car.

And he needs to start being an adult and take on his share of running his family.

BashStreetKid · 28/01/2018 22:36

If you're spending a lot on vet's bills, you need to look into insurance and, indeed, not replacing pets.

I second the idea of encouraging him to go adult literacy and maths classes. Not only would it make him less dependent on you, it would improve his earning power.

Fruitcocktail6 · 28/01/2018 22:45

I have a Renault megane. It's an abolsutle piece of shit but I am fond of it. I really can't imagine someone dreaming about owning one though. It's hardly a car to aspire to.

Original poster
BarryMoose · 28/01/2018 22:46

Bash we have 2 cats that are 10 years old each and a dog who is 8 years old. All are insured but the dog has anal gland problems (😖) which the insurance won't cover and minor things like abscesses and stuff that require antibiotics isn't covered either. We've had a run of bad luck with hen recently and they've all been to the vets at one point or another at £50 a pop!

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 28/01/2018 22:48

Maybe you could skip the family hols this year, he doesn’t ask for much and deserves the car he loves.

How selfish would he be if he put his want to have a fancy car over his family having a holiday!

scottishdiem · 28/01/2018 22:50

"I think he will be the first to admit he is not the brightest. His parents didn't give a fuck whether he went to school or not and he struggles to read and write."

But he is being given responsibility for checking loan rates, deadlines, insurances and repayment schedules........

Whatshallidonowpeople · 28/01/2018 22:53

Firstly, do you mean quashed? Secondly, surely he'll have more than £50 a month saved, unless he only smokes 5 packets a month?