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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does your dh let you know where he'll be, or AIBU?

79 replies

Jellybellyqueen · 28/01/2018 12:03

Dh is in a job which takes him away from home often, sometimes for long periods of time. At present he has a few shorter trips planned (a couple of which are abroad) but with very loose dates. He may mention in passing that he'll be away in a while, but rarely puts anything on the calendar, or gives me a definite date until just before he's due to leave. I've asked him to keep me updated until I'm blue in the face, as it affects me and the DC - we can hardly ever plan in advance. Nothing changes. The last (heated) conversation we had about it ended in him promising to keep me updated as soon as he knew himself, forwarding emails etc.

At the start of Dec he mentioned he'd be away in Jan. Nothing was written down, no date given. Halfway through Jan he overheard me talking to a friend about his trip later on in Feb, and told me I'd forgotten about his being away next week. Still nothing written down, he had obviously got a firm date at some point which he hadn't mentioned to me. This was Mon. On Wed he forwarded a work email of his travel itinerary, received that day, to his home email. No copy or mention to me, until I asked on Thu evening when he was actually going to be leaving, as we had plans with extended family at the weekend.

When I asked why he hadn't just forwarded the itinerary to me at the same time as to his other email, he said he'd thought about it, but felt like I was being too controlling, so didn't bother.

This is typical of him. Am I BU wanting to know when he's going away, or is he BU by not keeping me in the loop?

Would be interested to know how it works for other ppl. I've asked him to write on calendars, forward emails.. Says he will, but just CBA. Getting increasingly pissed off with him about it.

OP posts:
Liz38 · 28/01/2018 12:10

I don't think it's controlling to want to know. I think it's part of running a joint enterprise - a family. Presumably he lets his colleagues know when he'll be away? My DH does let me know, it doesn't happen very often but he has input into our family life and we all need to know what's going on. Equally I always let him know. With us it's less informing and more checking that it's ok because we both have a life and his isn't more important than mine. I can't be doing with withholding of information as a method of holding power, it does my head in. FWIW DH did omit to tell me about an overnighter he'd booked for his hobby last year. Because he felt guilty booking it so he thought he weighs just not mention it 😕Backfired badly because my work commitment had been in the calendar for months, so I told him he'd made the problem and he would have to fix it.

Bluedoglead · 28/01/2018 12:12

My ex used to do this. It’s one of the reasons he is an ex it’s controlling by stealth and it’s massviely disrespectful and it’s gaslighting.

olympicsrock · 28/01/2018 12:14

Wow - he’s very inconsiderate. My DH travels with work. He gives me all the dates for the calendar so I can plan my shifts , childcare and social life. It’s just teamwork.

Chuffingchuff · 28/01/2018 12:18

YANBU. This would drive me crazy! You can't run a home, manage the DC, the food shop, everything else when you don't know if the other adult will be there or not. Surely he has a responsibility of care to his DC to let you know if nothing else! You should just plan for him to never be there to make your life easier, he's just making himself dispensable.

PotteringAlong · 28/01/2018 12:20

It’s not controlling to tell you what’s going on. He’s being a twat.

peachgreen · 28/01/2018 12:31

Yeah, this would be a dealbreaker for me. Completely inconsiderate and frankly just weird. It makes the huge assumption that your life is less important than his.

KarmaStar · 28/01/2018 12:35

You are NBU OP,he definitely IS.
He is taking you for granted.amongst other things.
No way is this behaviour acceptable
So unreasonable of him.

Haffiana · 28/01/2018 12:35

OP, just plan without him. Be away when he comes back from a trip or whatever it is that you are unable to plan at the moment.

He is being controlling. It is deliberate and malicious. You constantly asking him is part of the kick he is getting from it.

Booboobooboo84 · 28/01/2018 12:38

Play him at his own selfish game. Make no plans whatsoever including him. Ensure when he is due back that your away visiting friends or family and don’t tell your going/gone. If he says anything say you would have told him but as he feels that’s controlling behaviour your thought you would just act how he wants you too- the same as him

0hCrepe · 28/01/2018 12:39

Of course it’s not controlling, wtf is his problem? From now on don’t tell him your plans and say it is controlling of him when he asks what you’re doing. Sounds like he wants an independent life.

CheshireChat · 28/01/2018 12:40

Is there any way you can bugger off so he has to pick up the pieces?

Or completely exclude him from family life so buy tickets for you and kids etc.

YoniHuman · 28/01/2018 12:43

Of course YANBU, what an idiotic manchild if he thinks that's controlling. I suggest you just go on a weekend away yourself to visit a friend or something. See how he likes a taste of his own medicine and copes with family life without you.

mumonashoestring · 28/01/2018 12:45

He feels like you're being controlling?

Quite honestly - since you've already tried talking to him about it - I'd wait until the next time he goes, find out when he's coming home, pack the kids up and go and stay with family or friends for a few days. Leave the house locked up, fridge empty, no loo roll and give him a taste of how it feels to be right at the bottom of someone's list of priorities.

TornadoOfToys · 28/01/2018 12:45

No that's not ok. DH is useless about letting me know when he'll be home etc. But trips away and evenings out get put in the joint diary (on our phones) immediately and the other person gets a notification.

CupcakeWithIcing · 28/01/2018 12:47

He is dodgy as fuck OP. My DH tells me when he's going for a shit Confused

His work affects family life and the running of the house, he should be sat down with you planning and preparing for when he is away every single time.

If my DH came home one evening packing his backs and telling me he is going on a last minute trip for a week I would be seriously worried.

He knows damn well that his behaviour is making you anxious and stressing you out trying to sort things out last minute, and it seems he really doesn't care.

Jellybellyqueen · 28/01/2018 12:47

Thanks for your replies. I did wonder if I would be told vague dates are enough. The most annoying thing to me is that he rarely lets me know when he knows. How hard would that be? His controlling comment had me thinking today that it's actually more controlling of him to make me ask all the time. He manages this stuff fine at work.

Sadly, over the years the DC and I have spent so much time with him not there that don't want to plan as if he wasn't going to be there. I want to know that we can all do things together, as far as possible. I just feel stuck with this. He obviously doesn't care enough to make that effort. In the past I'd just think he'd forgotten, but I'm not so sure now.

OP posts:
SkaPunkPrincess · 28/01/2018 12:48

My DH seems to have an aversion to using the family calender.

This means I have to ask him over and over what shift he is working and when ( I work fixed shifts mon-friday, his vary by day and time over 7 days due to sector)

I just want to know what he is doing so that I can organise myself and the kids around his shifts.

I actually stood and MADE him write them down on the calender for me yesterday evening. He huffed and he puffed, it took all of 30 seconds. 😡

shakingmyhead1 · 28/01/2018 12:49

when he says YOU have forgotten his trip.... walk to the calendar and look at it, thoroughly , and say no I haven't, you have no trip as there is NO trip on the family planner and then walk away, each and every time he does this walk over and pick it up and reply no you have no xyz its not on the planner! and DONT rearrange any of your plans to accommodate his plans, NOT ONE SINGLE THING! he will learn, slowly

notfuckingfootballagain · 28/01/2018 12:50

I travel for work sometimes, though rarely abroad or for more than 2 nights in a row. I can't imagine not telling my partner when I'll be away or where I'm going. We, you know, have conversations about our lives and it comes up. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and not discussing this stuff.

Aside from that, if I'm going to be away he will do things like make sure the washing's up to date so I have clean stuff to take with me, and if I'm going to be home late after a long trip he'll plan accordingly and have a nice dinner ready for me when I get in. If I started getting secretive about my movements I'd miss out on all that.

It's not controlling, it's living together FFS.

Doublevodka · 28/01/2018 12:51

You are married, have children together and he feels that you are being too controlling because you want to know when he will be away??

Unbelievable!

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 28/01/2018 12:51

OP, it's not on, and no you are not being controlling.

It clearly shows that you are not important to him, that he simply expects you to just suck it up and mind the DCs.

I think I'd try some things pp have mentioned. Like making your own plans that don't include him, or making sure you and the DCs are not there when he gets back from a trip.

Ultimately you have to decide if you want to live like this, because at the moment he has no incentive to change his behaviour.

Haffiana · 28/01/2018 12:55

Op have you posted about this before? Surely by now you know that this is him controlling you? Do not make the mistake again and again of wondering whether he has a point or is being reasonable.

You know for sure now that you cannot do things together. That is what he has chosen - not your fault in the slightest, but that is what he wants and what this is telling you. What he has been telling you for ages.

Start to get really, really angry with him. It will help you make the decisions that you need to make for your future.

UndomesticHousewife · 28/01/2018 12:55

Dh is away all the time and he would always let me know what the dates are or if the dates change.
It’s utterly ridiculous that he won’t tell you and frankly a bit strange.

NewYearNewMe18 · 28/01/2018 12:56

Ask his secretary to update you .

Pigeonpost · 28/01/2018 13:00

I have a similar issue with my DH. He's normally only ever away for 2-4 days at a time and never weekends but I need to know if I'll need a babysitter for my evening activities, a dog walker if I'm out all day etc etc. We go through phases where he writes it all on the calendar (usually after lots of nagging) and it's fine but then he stops after a while. It's like bloody ground hog day. I hate it, it's just considerate and rude. Makes it very hard for me to plan everything. I work for myself now but when I was employed it was hellish.