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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does your dh let you know where he'll be, or AIBU?

79 replies

Jellybellyqueen · 28/01/2018 12:03

Dh is in a job which takes him away from home often, sometimes for long periods of time. At present he has a few shorter trips planned (a couple of which are abroad) but with very loose dates. He may mention in passing that he'll be away in a while, but rarely puts anything on the calendar, or gives me a definite date until just before he's due to leave. I've asked him to keep me updated until I'm blue in the face, as it affects me and the DC - we can hardly ever plan in advance. Nothing changes. The last (heated) conversation we had about it ended in him promising to keep me updated as soon as he knew himself, forwarding emails etc.

At the start of Dec he mentioned he'd be away in Jan. Nothing was written down, no date given. Halfway through Jan he overheard me talking to a friend about his trip later on in Feb, and told me I'd forgotten about his being away next week. Still nothing written down, he had obviously got a firm date at some point which he hadn't mentioned to me. This was Mon. On Wed he forwarded a work email of his travel itinerary, received that day, to his home email. No copy or mention to me, until I asked on Thu evening when he was actually going to be leaving, as we had plans with extended family at the weekend.

When I asked why he hadn't just forwarded the itinerary to me at the same time as to his other email, he said he'd thought about it, but felt like I was being too controlling, so didn't bother.

This is typical of him. Am I BU wanting to know when he's going away, or is he BU by not keeping me in the loop?

Would be interested to know how it works for other ppl. I've asked him to write on calendars, forward emails.. Says he will, but just CBA. Getting increasingly pissed off with him about it.

OP posts:

Pollaidh · 28/01/2018 17:23

We both travel for work, and sometimes dates are uncertain for weeks whilst they're being pinned down. If it's on the calendar it's happening. That means that the other person can't agreed to a work trip when that the other person is abroad that week. We do discuss beforehand if it looks like there will be a clash, and then discussion comes down to how important the trip is.

DH always lets me know as soon as he knows a trip is likely, and I do the same for him. That's not controlling, that's sensible diary management. How else can you organise school runs, the online foodshop, activities etc?

CrabappleBiscuit · 28/01/2018 17:42

DP sends me a calendar invite, I do the same to him. It’s not hard. He’s being a git.

CrabappleBiscuit · 28/01/2018 17:42

And it’s just polite as well!

gluteustothemaximus · 28/01/2018 17:46

I’d start planning and doing an awful lot without him TBH.

winobaglady · 28/01/2018 17:49

Just don't buy enough/any food for him. After all, best not to waste it if you don't know if he will be home or not.
That will help focus his mind.

Booboobooboo84 · 28/01/2018 17:56

I understand your reluctance to organise things without him but where is the motive for him to change if you don’t give him a taste of his own medicine. As it is he gets to live the bachelor lifestyle buggering off wherever without any consideration for his wife and family.

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/01/2018 19:18

I hate to say this OP, but it doesn't sound as if he likes you very much.

It's just such weird behaviour. Like he's going out of his way to be inconsiderate and annoying.

Do you like him? It's very hard to like that sort of behaviour, or like the person who's doing it. As much as we're meant to love the person we spend our life with, we're also meant to like them.

So what does this mean for you both?

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/01/2018 19:20

And all the game-playing being suggested by people - I can see where they're coming from, and it's tempting.

But once you go down that route, you're effectively saying goodbye to a functioning, grown-up, mutually respectful relationship.

Besides - something tells me he's much, much better at it, than the OP.

m0therofdragons · 28/01/2018 20:59

We have synced phone calendars and know where each other are. Not controlling just open and honest. Why wouldn't you tell your partner where you are?

Original poster

Jellybellyqueen · 28/01/2018 22:29

And all the game-playing being suggested by people - I can see where they're coming from, and it's tempting.
But once you go down that route, you're effectively saying goodbye to a functioning, grown-up, mutually respectful relationship.
Besides - something tells me he's much, much better at it, than the OP.

I think he wouldn't be affected that much tbh, just slightly inconvenienced. I actually do plan a holiday with the DC without him. If he's free at the time he'll travel up to meet us there. If there's not food in, he'll nip to the shop. If we're not in when he gets back he'll entertain himself. Etc. Can't think of anything he'd be that bothered about.

If I want to go see a show with him, for eg, he'll tell me not to buy a ticket for him, so either I buy two and have to find someone else to go with, go by myself, or not go. Which would upset me.
I couldn't really just organize a weekend away and leave without making sure there was someone there for the dc.
He doesn't have much control over when he goes away. So couldn't just rearrange it if I wasn't there. I get the point about making him rearrange stuff, but realistically, he's away more through the week, so if I arranged to be away it would be on me to organize school pick up/drop off anyway, and dumping them on gp for a few overnights wouldn't be fair on them. I'm a sahm atm, so work trips for me wouldn't come into it. (Incidentally, I missed out on stuff when I did work as he was away so much and there was no-one to have the DC. )

But he does have total control over giving me information as soon as he has it, which a lot of pp's dh do seem to manage. What makes it worse is that he thought about it but deliberately didn't forward the email because it felt like I was being too controlling - by needing evidence to show where he was going to be, he said. Apparently he thought he'd just tell me. But that's the problem - he doesn't. I've also suggested putting it on the shared google calendar, which he doesn't do. I think it comes down to him feeling pissed off because in his mind I need evidence of his plans. Well yes, because he doesn't tell me until I ask, and if I don't know to ask, I find out late!! Surely he must have known it would cause more problems not to forward the email. Obviously his ego comes above all else.

OP posts:

LML83 · 28/01/2018 22:40

If he thinks you need evidence of his plans reassure him that is not the case it is practicalities. Even things like popping to the shop for milk after kids are in bed can't be done when he is away. You have given him the choice of how to tell you, you just want to know.

He is at best being stubborn and childish. At worst controlling and deliberately upsetting you. If after he knows (he should already know, but just in case) it is not for evidence he doesn't communicate you can decide what to do Either accept it or is it something you can't put up with.

It's hard, hopefully you can resolve it.

Gide · 28/01/2018 23:05

You know he’s being a twat, don’t you? I’m appalled at his behaviour. My dh inputs all dates onto the shared calendar as soon as he knows them. How else can we meal plan etc?

theymademejoin · 28/01/2018 23:11

Dh always tells me the dates he's away. If he has discretion on the dates he asks me what suits best. On the rare occasions I travel for work, I tell him when I'll be away. It's just basic manners and consideration.

Skowvegas · 29/01/2018 00:08

DH goes away a lot on last minute trips. He puts it in the calendar as soon as he has an inkling he'll be away. He doesn't put details there, just the city.

He uses Kayak trips to keep all his travel info together and I can log in to see where he is, what flight he's on, if it's on time etc.

Original poster

Jellybellyqueen · 29/01/2018 05:38

Thx skow I had a look at KAYAK and it does look useful. Not sure it would work as well for us though, as he CBA to put info on a shared calendar (either online or paper) so he wouldn't put in things like him driving or any car shares etc.
V jealous of all those with considerate partners! I keep him up to date on things I arrange, so disappointed he CBA to do the same.

OP posts:

Cherrycokewinning · 29/01/2018 05:48

He sounds phenomenally lazy. Who does he expect to look after his children when he prances off at the last minute?

Wineandrosesagain · 29/01/2018 06:01

Op how old are your children? If I were you I’d be looking to return to work to regain my independence. It’s hard to do that with children but it sounds like you are more or less living as a single parent now, and I’d be very keen to start adjusting my life to how it will probably be in the future. I couldn’t stay with someone who treated me how he treats you. It is so disrespectful and your children are watching this and learning that this level of disrespect is normal. If he wants to live his own life without involving you in it nor caring for his children, let him, by kicking him to the curb. I’d be looking for work and seeing a solicitor.

Stella60 · 29/01/2018 06:05

He is controlling you. Make him aware of this, and acknowledge it yourself. Then you have a decision to make.

Nquartz · 29/01/2018 06:05

I have to agree with Wineandrosesagain he isn't going to improve or change so I wouldn't want to be financially reliant on him if at all possible.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 29/01/2018 06:16

We put everything in a shared Google calendar. We'd be in constant crisis mode otherwise, with nobody to pick up the youngest from afternoon club or whatever.

Not just working away but every late meeting or social plan, kids clubs, play dates, parties, sports fixtures, every one of my shifts and training etc.

Our eldest (12) also puts everything onto the calendar, so no reason an adult can't!

We also have a shared shopping list ap - eldest, who cooks some meals, also adds to that.

I agree with the others, your DH is doing it deliberately to "show you who's boss" - and that you have to work around him. Which is pretty poisonous.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/01/2018 06:22

Game playing is tempting but ineffective. He’s being an arsehole. It sounds like he’s quite happy to opt out of Family life and responsibilities.

Bowerbird5 · 29/01/2018 06:36

I haven't read all the posts.

OP it is very hard with a partner working away and children. Mine are grown up now but I have had this for thirty plus years. I mostly know because most of the year has been set patterns of weeks but sometimes it gets changed at a minutes notice. Weather , shift change, people not turning up, flights. It can then impact on the whole pattern. I feel your annoyance. I have been there for years! Trying to explain to kids and making excuses for events planned is hard. Eventually I gave up and planned my own life firstly with the children and now my own. I chose to either go on my own or not at all. Even when he is home he often doesn't want to socialise so really now we live seperate lives. I no longer wait around in case he wants to go. I chose!
He didn't return when the children or I were in hospital and that hurt. He made out he couldn't but I often hear now that he is arranging for people to go home. It is now part of his job and I resent the fact he didn't chose to do that.
I think if he refuses to let you know start playing him at his own game for a while might show him how inconvenient it is or it may not. I would just make your own plans and go anyway. Don't tell him what you are doing. So if he arrived home and found you are not there it might shake him up a bit!
Good luck with it as it isn't an easy life but unlike others suggesting you leave him( an awful lot on Mumsnet I wonder if they do in real life) but if you love him just learn not to rely on him.
I'm at the stage of wondering what the hell it is going to be like when he retires in two years time and constantly under my feet. I am going to keep working for quite a while. My best friend ( 30 yrs) thinks I'll kill him! She can see how annoying it is and has been my rock as I have no family here. Good luck☺️

blueskyinmarch · 29/01/2018 07:02

My DH has always had to go away a lot with work and he always tells me where and when he is going and writes it on the shared calendar. We have got into the habit of going over his work week on a Sunday. Sometimes he forgets to tell me if things change but not often. I think it's a matter of respect and courtesy.

DixieFlatline · 29/01/2018 07:45

I'd be suspicious of why he was so keen on me never really knowing exactly when his work trips begin and end. The 'I thought about sending it to you but I've decided you're being controlling' sounds like utter BS to me - more like something to throw you off asking more.

CrabappleBiscuit · 29/01/2018 08:30

I was thinking the same as the poster above....but if he was trying to throw you off the scent about something he’d be better off just putting the dates in a calendar.

I’d say email me a calendar appt with the dates you are away. If he won’t then I’d start thinking how much this affects you, is it just this or is their other stuff (there probably is). And how much of an ultimatum you want to give. If he’s generally a good dh and father then pick your battles. If life would be little different without him....then....

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