Does your dh let you know where he'll be, or AIBU?

[Jellybellyqueen]

Dh is in a job which takes him away from home often, sometimes for long periods of time. At present he has a few shorter trips planned (a couple of which are abroad) but with very loose dates. He may mention in passing that he'll be away in a while, but rarely puts anything on the calendar, or gives me a definite date until just before he's due to leave. I've asked him to keep me updated until I'm blue in the face, as it affects me and the DC - we can hardly ever plan in advance. Nothing changes. The last (heated) conversation we had about it ended in him promising to keep me updated as soon as he knew himself, forwarding emails etc.

At the start of Dec he mentioned he'd be away in Jan. Nothing was written down, no date given. Halfway through Jan he overheard me talking to a friend about his trip later on in Feb, and told me I'd forgotten about his being away next week. Still nothing written down, he had obviously got a firm date at some point which he hadn't mentioned to me. This was Mon. On Wed he forwarded a work email of his travel itinerary, received that day, to his home email. No copy or mention to me, until I asked on Thu evening when he was actually going to be leaving, as we had plans with extended family at the weekend.

When I asked why he hadn't just forwarded the itinerary to me at the same time as to his other email, he said he'd thought about it, but felt like I was being too controlling, so didn't bother.

This is typical of him. Am I BU wanting to know when he's going away, or is he BU by not keeping me in the loop?

Would be interested to know how it works for other ppl. I've asked him to write on calendars, forward emails.. Says he will, but just CBA. Getting increasingly pissed off with him about it.

We have a house rule - If it's not on the calendar, it's not happening. All of us follow the rule - and if someone goes to put stuff on there and there is something booked, it is up to them to sort it out.

Wow. That is ridiculous. I travel weekly for work, my DH has evening meetings.

As soon as we have something tentative / confirmed it goes in the calendar.

Anything that clashes we sit down and plan how we get help in that particular day/evening etc.

Completely bizarre and immature. Feels very "your time is not important"

Thinking about it, the controlling comment was used to silence you.

Why does he want to silence you?
Is it because he doesn’t want to have to answer to you- ie his ego is so big it feels threatened by being questioned.
Is it because you asking him highlights his disorganisation and he doesn’t like the feel of that?
Is he doing something he shouldn’t be doing and is over secretive about his whereabouts?

I’m not sure why on Mumsnet everything has to be gaslighting or controlling.

My ex did this re travel all the time. It was very frustrating but was purely down to his stress at work and disorganisation because he was so incredibly busy and worked ridiculous hours. It was never in malice or designed to deliberately keep me on my toes or be controlling.

He's unreasonable

We have a joint calendar app that we use for everything, would he do that ?

Make regular plans yourself and put them on the calendar.

So when he says “oh but you must have forgotten I’d be away Thursday and Friday”, you can do as a PP said - walk over and say, “no, there’s nothing on the planner from you at all . Did you forget to update it? Such a shame because, as you can see, I’ve put my arrangements on there and I’m out Thursday and Friday night. So unfortunately it looks like you won’t be able to go away.”

Do that once and I guarantee he won’t ‘forget’ to put stuff on there in future.

I used to work with several men like this. He thinks his life at work is more important than his family, and that your job is to pick up his slack.

Blimey, it sounds as though your marriage is quite 'business-like'

Does he never chat to you about his upcoming travel plans? In fact do the pair of you actually chat/have a natter about anything?

That is beyond weird imo! DH and I always put any work commitments out of the ordinary in each other's diaries, especially if it means being away overnight. No DCs but we have to make sure mupdog is looked after properly, plus it enables the other person to plan around it so that we have the right food in, can make plans with friends or whatever. It'd be like living with a flatmate otherwise.

He's a dick. It's not hard to speak to your other half about work trips. We do it in our house regularly. Last time DH checked it happened to clash with one work thing for me and a booked weekend away so he changed his trips.

Have you tried saying no? That he is responsible for his children too?

I havent read the thread yet, but when DH does stuff like this, (admittedly not often and more about what time train he is on) I just say I am not your housekeeper, I am your wife, give your head a wobble.

Off to read the thread.

Paperandpaint it was the OP’s dh who called her controlling.

He's being controlling, not you. He's controlling how much info you have and he knows that affects your life.

I have a husband who does similar and I'm nearly at breaking point with him.
It's sending a clear message that what HE does is more important and YOU don't need to know. He's probably getting some kind of petty manchild kick out of you not knowing.

HE is being controlling by withholding dates from you and deciding to live like a single person. The children are a joint responsibility. If he doesn't want to be part of a family unit, you may be better off without him. At least then you can start to plan for the future again.

No, don't disappear with the kids bugger off one Saturday morning telling him you'll be back Sunday evening (preferably after tea time). Even better if you're pretty sure he has something planned for himself.

I totally get just planning for you and the kids but you all being awol is just to easy for him. Let him coordinate them for a weekend and Sunday night school stuff.

Be careful about getting into those kinds of games. My ex and I ended up there, and our DC started suffering for it. It's kinder to make a clean break than end up getting stuck in a cycle of "Oh no, I made my secret plans first, you're stuck with the DC's today". It doesn't have to be said explicitly for the subtext to be felt!

He's being an absolute wanker. It's not controlling to want to know dates and times of when your dh is going to be away.

My dh used to work away Monday to Friday sometimes. He usually only got a few days notice but he'd always tell me as soon as he found out he'd be away, I'd always have as much information as him as to when he'd be away and for how long.

That's not controlling its called an equal relationship. He's treating you like the hired help who doesn't need to be consulted about his comings and goings. If my dh had been like this he'd be an exh.

OP YANBU - he is the one being controlling not you. I would start treating your family as a single parent household - if he's home to participate in events, great, if not then so sad, too bad he misses out because of his own behaviour and actions. Plan whatever you want to do and he has to fit into that schedule - if he doesn't tell you when he's away then you won't take that into account when you organize the family holiday or the DCs events etc.

My dad works offshore, always has done since before me and my siblings were born and still does now 30 years later. He is away for about half the year - he'll be away for a month, then home for 3 weeks, then away for 5 weeks, then home for 6 weeks etc - so it kind of averages to him being home for a month and away for a month but it is never exact. Depending on where in the world he is being posted the dates might get changed last minute (eg if there is bad weather in Norway and the boat can't come into port, they might delay his flights by 48 hours)

All through my life we always knew the date he was leaving and/or coming home and the dates were always written into the family calendar as soon as he got them. That way my mum could organize big events like family holidays etc and know when she needed to organize childcare if she had an event and my dad wasn't home. If he refused to tell her when he was going/coming home then there's no way she could have got anything done or gone anywhere because of the uncertainty.

The exact date fluctuations were an annoyance but an occupational hazard. Fortunately minor changes could be accommodated fairly easily but only because we had the general dates already scheduled. If the general dates weren't scheduled in then there's no way we could have dealt with minor schedule changes so easily as it would have been a bigger deal requiring our whole schedule to change.

DH used to be away a lot for work overseas. But, he would plan the trips in advance and ask me which dates would work as he'd be away over weekends. Marriage (or whatever ) plus children is a joint effort.

Its really arrogant of him to just assume you will pick up the slack.

What does he do for work? Is it sometime where a work trip is shoved on him last minute (I highly doubt it, but though I'd ask). DH travels for work on odd occasions as do I, but we alway know well in advance, like, a few weeks/month/two months and then we both let the other know as we both take turns with childcare. He is required to be away for work more so than me, so I take the brunt, but I'd be livid if he was dropping it on me a week or less before he's due to leave. He just wouldn't.

It's not hard to cc you in on an itinerary regardless of whether you are part of the business - he can just forward it to you if he's unsure of ccing you in on a company email. It just smacks of carelessness and ineptitude and he probably does it because he's always done it.

Sorry but I absolutely could not put up with his attitude OP. It is not controlling to what to know dates if your DH is required for a work trip. I know things crop up urgently, but even then what is the problem in coming home and saying "I've got to go on business trip on X date, it's only just come up otherwise I would have let you know in before".

My DH works 3 days a week, usually Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. However he has flexibility to swap those days if he needs to do something. I usually ask him on a Sunday what days he's working for the forthcoming week and he always puts his days on the calendar. It's just being open and honest in my opinion.

Dh is away often and usually he doesn't know until a day or two beforehand, but he does tell me as soon as he knows. If it's very inconvenient he will do what he can to change it.

As for where, usually I don't have a clue, but that might be because I need to listen better.

I'd make my own plans and not ask him anymore. He's being a twat. Doesn't mean you have to mother him.

No it's not unreasonable... would he expect the same from you if you were working away? I am guessing he would!

My husband works away with a very changeable schedule. He wasn't managing to keep our shared calendar up to date with all the changes. So he sends me copies of all the schedule emails for his work. This is his choice, partially for safety, partially to plan family time/ events around as to who is where and when. As a SAHP it does fall on me to sort the "visiting admin" for the very many sets of patents/ gps/ aunts/ uncles/ my dd's dad his family etc.
He's part of the family, he likes tp be involved. Only with planning can we manage to see people.