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AIBU?

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Original poster

to find this so sad (dinosaur attitude to gay marriage)

100 replies

Schwanengesang · 28/01/2018 07:34

Can't really discuss this in real life, noone wants to continue to hear me whinge about my parents' attitudes to everything.

Was on the phone to parents today and they said they've got a wedding invitation to the wedding of two of my dad's old colleagues (both women).

Mother said "isn't it ridiculous, at their age. Disgusting, rubbing everyone's noses in it like we should all think they're clever or something. People like that never stop going on about themselves."

I enquired what was so unusually self-regarding about two people getting married (people who have been together since about 1983, and who have only just in the last few weeks acquired the legal right to get married in their country).

My dad said "Well everyone's always known about them, why they think they have to have a bloody wedding just to show off now, heaven only knows."

I said "well, good for them, isn't it great that they can finally get married after all these years. Please do pass on my congratulations and best wishes" and firmly changed the subject.

It is just so, so sad that there are still people who think like my parents do. I guess it is very unusual that once people make a positive personality trait of being "discerning" insular, critical, bigoted they should ever acquire the self-insight to realise that their views are repellent.

OP posts:
hazelwillow · 28/01/2018 07:35

Plenty of people think it, OP. They might not say it but they think it.

Jassmells · 28/01/2018 07:38

Whilst I completely agree with you I also think attitudes don't change overnight and it's reflective of how they were brought up. It's going to take a while.My parents are pretty similar, I also think they spend far too much time and energy worrying about such things that don't even affect them when they could be enjoying other things. If you don't want to go to the wedding don't go you don't have to moan about it! Out of interest will they go just for sheer curiosity?

jay55 · 28/01/2018 07:41

Surely all weddings are showing off and rubbing people’s noses in it.

Original poster
Schwanengesang · 28/01/2018 07:45

My mother gets her way on social matters, so they will almost certainly not go. She's successfully seen off all my dad's friends and colleagues over the years. He used to not be such a bigot, but he's become awful since he retired and spends all day every day listening to my mother's venomous witterings.

I think I find it so terribly sad as I had a very close friend who was gay, who had to leave his home country and never saw his family after the age of 18 when he left. He died at the height of the AIDS epidemic and experienced much of the hatred from bigots. My parents knew him, my dad liked him a lot. My mum hated him. Sadly my dad now doesn't seem to remember having liked him.

People are so stupid.

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 28/01/2018 07:45

Assuming they are not thinking of attending then OP?

RadioGaGoo · 28/01/2018 07:46

Sorry, x-post.

NewYearNewMe18 · 28/01/2018 07:48

I know gay men, practicing Christians, who are totally against gay marriage. So your parents are not unique.

Original poster
Schwanengesang · 28/01/2018 07:54

NewYEarNewMe18 I imagine that if they're openly gay they're not against being gay though. Just the marriage bit. They're entitled to that view but they're only logically consistent if they think the church has to sanction marriage.

My parents wouldn't particularly hold a view on gay marriage one way or the other in the abstract, more a "why do you need to give people like that anything, why not spend your time and money on something more important" kind of selfish I'm all right Jack kind of view. Ie it's the gayness they object to rather than the marriage.

OP posts:
jemjemjem50 · 28/01/2018 08:00

Everyone is entitled to hold their own views and you're entitled to disagree with them.

I don't share your parents' views but i wouldn't be getting worked up that they don't share mine

Dipitydoda · 28/01/2018 08:01

Quite a few people are against gay marriage though. It depends on what you think marriage is. For some the very definition of marriage is the union of man and woman being joined together with the purpose of having children (although sadly for many couples not always fulfilled) one of the main reasons for marriage was to ensure the legitimacy of children for inheritance of property and title. It’s why it was probably more logical to open up civil partnerships to straight people as lots of people want the legal protection of marriage without all the other things it does actually stand for (and often forgotten). If your parents are from the same generation as mine sex between 2 men as an offence often leading to a jail sentence at the time their moral ground work was being formed. As long as they are not sending a decline card with any derogatory remarks there isn’t really a problem. Or are you one of the liberal masses who think people should have freedom of thought so long as they think like you

LynetteScavo · 28/01/2018 08:06

It's not a dinosaur attitude it's a 1950s attitude. Times are changing, things are moving on, be pleased this couple can now get married.

Crumbs1 · 28/01/2018 08:11

I know plenty of people who accept gay civil partnerships but who believe the term marriage is defined as the union of a man and a woman before God. Their concerns are about the undermining of the more traditional view of what marriage is.
It will change over time.

KanielOutis · 28/01/2018 08:11

It's a thankfully changing attitude. In the 80's my mum lost custody of me because she is a lesbian and the court declared that it worse for a child to be brought up in that lifestyle than be brought up by their mother. There was no other reason for the loss of access. That was only 30 years ago. Thankfully attitudes are changing but they don't change overnight.

tomatosalt · 28/01/2018 08:11

I’m guessing the couple are Australian if they’ve only just gained the right to marry? If so, please enjoy this clip of an actual elected member of parliament addressing the issue of gay marriage. Your mother could be worse? Grin
m.youtube.com/watch?v=8MOEMzZR_mk

SusanBunch · 28/01/2018 08:13

OP, I agree that it's repellent. I also don't like the excuse 'oh they were brought up in a different era'. Bollocks. Then how come others their age are able to go through life without being racist, homophobic and bigoted? My late grandmother was born in 1915. Hardly the era of social tolerance. I had a schoolfriend over who told a racist joke. My grandmother gave her absolute hell and said she should be ashamed of herself. She had always had these views and so have most other decent people who are now over 70. In the same vein, there are young people who have abhorrent views, like that racist shit-show that shacked up with the UKIP leader. The point is, bigoted views indicate a person who is not very nice, regardless of when they were born. If they were a good person, they would realise that prejudice of any kind is wrong.

newshmoo74 · 28/01/2018 08:15

Do we have to blame everything on generational attitudes? My parents (who are 68 and 78) have never had an issue with gay relationships; neither did my grandmother who was born in around 1916.

Original poster
Schwanengesang · 28/01/2018 08:21

SusanBunch and newshmoo74 I agree with you. It's also not automatically a function of formal education. Neither of my grandmothers had much formal education, one (born 1899) grew up on a remote sheep farm and the other (born 1912) grew up in poverty, neither travelled much. They were both far more tolerant and unprejudiced than my parents.

OP posts:
DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 28/01/2018 08:25

It's hard when you hear these views from people you love, there's plenty I don't agree with my folks on. You challenged their attitude, just do that every time. Being gay takes nothing away from anyone else, it makes no demands on your parents or anyone, it's just love innit. Homophobia is on the rise, the abuse young lesbians get is worse than when I was a kid in the 70s so challenge it, call it out, every time.

brizzledrizzle · 28/01/2018 08:26

It's abhorrent to me when the older generations have such racist/homophobic views - yesterday an elderly aunt was telling me of a time in the 1980s when a woman of Chinese origin moved into their small village and worked in the newsagent. Apparently people were saying "There's a Chinese girl working in the newsagent, you must go and have a look" Shock

From what I remember of the 80s that wasn't acceptable then let alone now.

QOD · 28/01/2018 08:27

My young gay friend is anti gay marriage
HE IS GAY!!
thinks it’s wrong and civil should be enough. Feels it goes against the church.
That’s been a shocking revelation and many conversations

Original poster
Schwanengesang · 28/01/2018 08:28

tomatosalt that is absolutely hilarious. Bob Katter is excellent comedy value (exept if you live anywhere affected by his decisions)

When the subject was briefly revisited later in the phonecall, my mother reckoned the colleagues should celebrate their new professorship (one)/ and recent PhD (the other) if people like that had to have a party at all. Then, at least, the ex & children of colleague with recent PhD could come along... !!!

I said I imagined ex & children were probably coming anyway, given that they were known to be on perfectly fine terms with their ex-wife/mother. Ex would be in his 80s and kids in their 50s. They're probably reconciled to the idea by now...

OP posts:
Thermostatpolice · 28/01/2018 08:35

It's their loss OP.

ShastaTrinity · 28/01/2018 08:35

Surely all weddings are showing off and rubbing people’s noses in it.
wow, some posters are a bubble of joy and good cheer, aren't they.

Thermostatpolice · 28/01/2018 08:36

OMG that video is hilarious!!

InfiniteSheldon · 28/01/2018 08:42

KanielOutis that's awful. I lived rurally in England 40 years ago and one of my school friends had lesbian mums I dont remember it being an issue (doesn't mean it wasn't but other children went into care for neglect she certainly wasn't at risk for her mums sexuality), were you in the UK?