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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not lending money again to previous non-payer/Not letting go of it.

122 replies

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 21:51

A few years ago I lent a small amount of money to a friend. It wasn't essential she pay me back - I could easily afford it but I did expect her to pay it back asap.

She kept on being short, making excuses and not quite having enough. In the end I said it didn't matter. I was fed up of the whole thing.

We've now fallen out as she wanted to borrow money for a non essential item (clothes shopping in town again) and I refused to lend it. I mentioned it was too much hassle and reminded her of when she'd previously borrowed money and not returned it.

She got upset that I'd held this money against her for all these years and that I had not let it go as I said I would.

Was it really bad friendship/mannered that I mentioned she's not paid me back previously?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 14:30

I doubt you'll see the money again. She's shown her true colours, your friendship is dependent on her getting her way with your money. Fuck that.

Original poster

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 01/02/2018 23:32

I've finally been paid back all the money. I text her earlier to say the money was in my account. I was starting to doubt she'd return it.

Part of me wishes I'd just stayed quiet and said I didn't have spare cash on me when she asked last week. It's made things very awkward for me when I see her but it's her causing the atmosphere.

She's been very much avoiding me this week. It's amazing how alone you can feel in a crowded room. Anyway she's not contacted me at all so I guess that it.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 01/02/2018 23:47

Resist the temptation to warm up to her when you see her next. She has behaved badly here, not you. I know it's hurtful when so-called friends act like this, but it's really her loss long-term.

Original poster

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 02/02/2018 00:01

It's really made me consider the friendship. Obviously it means a lot more to me than it did to her. I always felt almost honoured to be her friend.

I'm going to just continue as I have all week. I've been talking more with other people during the day so I'm not actually alone - just felt like it a few times and dwelling.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 02/02/2018 09:25

Glad you got the money back. I know that wasn't the main issue, but it was wrong that you felt you had to write it off.

She is punishing you. That's not really the behaviour of a friend. I'd just be breezy and show it's not bothering you.

If she works with you and she starts to escalate consider discussing with a manager.

picklemepopcorn · 02/02/2018 09:47

If it were me, I'd message one time saying thank you for transferring the money. I can see you are really uncomfortable about it. It's a shame- I didn't want to fall out over money, which is why I said no when you asked this time.

Gemini69 · 02/02/2018 10:57

your 'friend' asked for money and just didn't repay that money... she then proceeded to ask for more money... then lashed out when you said No... and get even more aggressive when paying it all back...... now YOU are ostracised for what ? being kind....

this is NO FRIEND

FluffyWuffy100 · 02/02/2018 10:59

"I've let it go in that it is not impacting my friendship with you, but I obviously don't intend to lend you any money ever again and I am quite surprise and disappointed you woudl ask"

ShiftyMcGifty · 02/02/2018 11:15

You’re too nice. I would have texted, transfer received but your apology still hasn’t come through.

Original poster

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 05/02/2018 01:29

She's sent me a text asking if I still want to go to an activity next week. I'm thinking no - I think this is her way of being friends again. I might just say can we do it another time as something else has come up.

I'm not feeling ready to 'be friends' again as for me it isn't at that stage. I've been ignored all week.

OP posts:

PastaOfMuppets · 05/02/2018 02:12

OP, she's what my DM calls a 'good time friend'. Wants what she can get out of you - entertainment, fun times, money, but definitely no depth or responsibility. Her reaction to your reason for not lending money again and now thinking she can just pick it up again with no apology is breathtaking. Can you ignore her msg? Respond with 'You have treated me appallingly this last week and I deserve an apology' or 'Who is this' so she knows you see through her? She is 100% not your friend and please don't think otherwise. She is using you.

KC225 · 05/02/2018 03:03

The bottom line is you were prepared to write off the borrowed money in order to save the friendship and she yet she was prepared to end the friendship over money.

You were absolutely right to bring up the fact she had not paid you back last time. What kind if person doesn't learn from their past mistakes. You are a friend, not a bank.

I think you are right to put a little distance between you. She has behaved badly. All the sulking and silence at work. And now she wants to go out. She wants a dictatorship not a friendship. Salvage what you can later, but I think this episode maybe have changed the rules of engagement.

buttfacedmiscreant · 05/02/2018 03:16

I think I'd reply something along the lines of

"X, I love being friends with you and spending time together, but after what happened last week I think there is an elephant in the room that needs resolving first. I'm a little shell-shocked by what happened."

buttfacedmiscreant · 05/02/2018 03:19

...and yes I agree, you put it behind you but you'd be an idiot to loan money to a friend like that unless they were in dire straits. It must have been upsetting for her to realise you regarded her as not trustworthy in that regard, but she behaved badly none-the-less.

BerylStreep · 05/02/2018 16:51

What is she getting out of wanting to do the activity next week? Does she not want to go alone?

I would also be inclined to text.

What about 'I don't think so, not after last week.'

BerylStreep · 05/02/2018 16:57

Also, do you really want to be friends with someone who blows hot and cold and just uses you?

babyccinoo · 05/02/2018 17:20

I agree, OP, don't be available for this activity.

However, she has extended an olive branch, so if you want to remain friends, I would suggest a catch-up coffee.

Hopefully she realises now you are not a mug and you will not run to her when she decided to give you the cold shoulder.

babyccinoo · 05/02/2018 17:21

*decides

Original poster

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 05/02/2018 18:39

I text earlier this morning that I didn't think it was still on and had planned something else instead. I think it is an olive branch and I do want to remain in a comfortable relationship with her. I'm just not sure I'm ready to go back to how things were a week ago.

I think my text was friendly enough and she was working elsewhere today so hopefully when I see her next things will be more settled.

She's not replied yet.

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 05/02/2018 19:04

^^ I like this.

Original poster

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 13/02/2018 00:35

So it's been about a week and I just thought I'd update one more time.

We've had a few coffees together but it's been awkward. Neither of us mentioned the money. It feels like a elephant but I will let her bring it up.

I reevaluated the friendship myself after what happened. I just want to step back a bit and not have her as such a main part of my life that I'm dependent on. It's felt good to be around her less.

I'm hurt by her attitude and need a bit of distance.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 13/02/2018 03:00

Glad you're taking a step back. From what you have written it does seem as if she was viewing you as a convenient source of money.

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