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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not lending money again to previous non-payer/Not letting go of it.

122 replies

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 21:51

A few years ago I lent a small amount of money to a friend. It wasn't essential she pay me back - I could easily afford it but I did expect her to pay it back asap.

She kept on being short, making excuses and not quite having enough. In the end I said it didn't matter. I was fed up of the whole thing.

We've now fallen out as she wanted to borrow money for a non essential item (clothes shopping in town again) and I refused to lend it. I mentioned it was too much hassle and reminded her of when she'd previously borrowed money and not returned it.

She got upset that I'd held this money against her for all these years and that I had not let it go as I said I would.

Was it really bad friendship/mannered that I mentioned she's not paid me back previously?

OP posts:
Unicorndiscoball · 27/01/2018 22:20

I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I owed a friend money!

PoorYorick · 27/01/2018 22:24

I'd said it didn't matter at the time and not to bother paying it back - but she said it clearly did and she would have paid me back if she knew it was so important to me.

Bollocks she would. You don't pay money back because it's "important" to people. You pay it back because you owe it to them. It's not your money.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 22:26

I try to never borrow money from people and always pay it back immediately (apart from family). She is a good friend. We have no other issues.

I've never borrowed money from her. I do know she's borrowed from others and it's been a hassle for her to repay - but more disorganisation than lack of ability.

OP posts:
Cheeseislife · 27/01/2018 22:27

Disorganisation to me is even ruder than lack of ability... YANBU in the slightest

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 22:28

She wants my bank details as she's going to transfer it over next week.

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 27/01/2018 22:29

Good! Hope she does.

senua · 27/01/2018 22:30

I do know she's borrowed from others and it's been a hassle for her to repay

Ah, so she has p*ssed off all her other sources of finance which is why she's trying to borrow off you again. Now it all makes sense.

yorkshireyummymummy · 27/01/2018 22:32

Send her your bank details!

dustarr73 · 27/01/2018 22:34

Send her ,your bank details.Dont let her guilt trip you.

BulletFox · 27/01/2018 22:34

If she can't manage her finances don't ever lend to her again...and let her know your bank details!

5foot5 · 27/01/2018 22:38

She wants my bank details as she's going to transfer it over next week.

Well take her up on that and supply the details. And if she does actually pay you then that's good. But I still would never lend to her again. She is not a good friend she is a user.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 22:39

I don't think it's something she consistently does. It's only happened a few times and not for huge amounts.

It's just I've noticed she's never able to immediately pay them back, the person owed has to remind her and it feels awkward having to ask. She brings in cakes and biscuits and gives car lifts. She is generous.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 27/01/2018 22:42

No she is not generous.She hopes by doing these things the money she owes and asked for is not brought up.Give her the bank details.

ApacheEchidna · 27/01/2018 22:43

She is a cf and yanbu.

Saying to someone that you will wrote off a debt as you aren't prepared to let it spoil your friendship if you keep having to remind her for repayments was a kind thing to do.

You do not thereby imply that you are good for making future loans with no expectation of repayment. That would be being a mug.

You are not a crap friend. she is.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 22:46

I'm going to text them. I want to just get back to normal with her. I'm trying to write something to try and get us past this but I'm struggling to word it.

"Sorry my words earlier upset you. I did expect you to pay me back and when you kept not being able to - I decided to let it go. You are a good friend to me and I don't want to lose that friendship."

Does that sound OK?

OP posts:
Ellendegeneres · 27/01/2018 22:47

Brilliant, so she does have money. If she can pay you back, what’s she borrowing money from you in the first place for??

I had a ‘friend’ borrow my last tenner. I had no food in, nothing. Did she pay me back??
She saw me a few years later and asked why I’d stopped replying to her messages and I told her straight- when you borrow from someone, it’s a loan. You are not a friend if you don’t repay your debts.
Never did see that money again, and I don’t have a leech in my life anymore so I won for the small sum of £10. Well worth it.

Try it op. Cause she ain’t your friend.

ManchesterGin · 27/01/2018 22:52

Let her pay you back. Your message is fine. I don't think you were wrong to mention it.

Mrsmadevans · 27/01/2018 23:01

Good luck with that OP
she won't transfer the money back
and more to the point why are you so desperate to stay friends with such a CF? Stand up for yourself.

Spicylolly · 27/01/2018 23:01

She has the cheek of a thousand arses!

BerylStreep · 27/01/2018 23:11

I think your message is completely submissive and you were in the right to refuse to lend the money to her. And she is texting you saying you are a crap friend? Fuck that.

You had written the previous money off because she was clearly not going to pay it back without a lot of chasing. It doesn't mean you would be prepared to lend her money again.

She's a complete CF. Please don't send that text. If you send anything, say 'Thanks, my bank details are XXXXX.'

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 23:14

She is a good friend. We have breaks together, go out together, go to each others houses and spend time together. She's fun, she has similar interests. It's nice having someone to share things with and I felt I could trust her and be honest with her.

The money thing annoys me. She does a few other things that piss me off. But no one is perfect.

I'm not really to sure of what to make of what's happened today. It seemed to blow up out of nowhere.

I've cut out a few people that I've felt were not very good friends. I do attract some CFs. I don't think this friend is. I can't really understand this.

I've sent the text and am waiting for a reply.

OP posts:
BulletFox · 27/01/2018 23:14

Actually I thought the text was too conciliatory, agree with Beryl

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 23:18

I've already sent my bank details then the previous message.

I don't want a bad atmosphere between us - we will see each other all the time.

It does seem a bit submissive but I don't want to make this any worse.

OP posts:
BulletFox · 27/01/2018 23:20

Hope you get it back!

Motoko · 27/01/2018 23:20

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. Are you desperate to keep her friendship because she's your only friend? (It was your comment about changing your name to pammy no mates that made me wonder.)

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