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Original poster

Not lending money again to previous non-payer/Not letting go of it.

122 replies

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 21:51

A few years ago I lent a small amount of money to a friend. It wasn't essential she pay me back - I could easily afford it but I did expect her to pay it back asap.

She kept on being short, making excuses and not quite having enough. In the end I said it didn't matter. I was fed up of the whole thing.

We've now fallen out as she wanted to borrow money for a non essential item (clothes shopping in town again) and I refused to lend it. I mentioned it was too much hassle and reminded her of when she'd previously borrowed money and not returned it.

She got upset that I'd held this money against her for all these years and that I had not let it go as I said I would.

Was it really bad friendship/mannered that I mentioned she's not paid me back previously?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 13:48

Look the ONLY wrong thing here is that she never paid you back. That's fucking wrong. It's not a gift. And she has form for this as she's pissed off others doing this. Who borrows money from friends for bloody clothes unless it's some emergency like their kids have outgrown all their shoes and they have none to wear? A CF who feels entitled to other people's money.

'I'm not very impressed with her behaviour to me over the last couple of days. I might have been bad mannered to have brought up the money she owed me but I think her reaction has been just as bad mannered.'

She's trying to punish you for her own transgressions.

She's cheeky as fuck.

Motoko · 29/01/2018 15:51

The thing is though that people SHOULD feel bad about not paying friends back,

Yes. I was in dire straits once and needed to borrow £50 (not for frivolous shopping!). I asked family first, but they were unable to help me, so I asked a friend of mine. I hated asking her, but she was kind enough to lend it to me.
After that, things happened in my life that meant I had to move away, and I lost her contact details, so I've never been able to pay her back. I've periodically over the years tried to find her online, but to no avail. I still feel awful after nearly 20 years, that I haven't been able to pay that debt I owe, and to let her know just how much I appreciated her help.

BMW6 · 29/01/2018 16:07

YANBU at all.

The thing I don't get is why did she ask to borrow this time when she is able to repay you now for the last loan?? That sounds like she does have money "spare" but would rather borrow from others and piss around when it comes to repaying the debt.

BlueMirror · 29/01/2018 16:20

Op it was no way bad form to bring up her previously not paying you back as it was the reason you don't want to lend her money again.
Let her sulk - you've done nothing wrong. She's probably hoping you'll apologise and/or decide to lend her the money to regain her friendship. Don't do it! Find better friends.

UpstartCrow · 29/01/2018 16:24

When you said 'forget about it' you meant 'forget about paying it back'.
You did not mean 'I'll write this money off and you can keep taking money from me and not paying it back'.
Anyone pretending to think that is being a cheeky fucker themselves.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 29/01/2018 16:25

I think she has the money. She has to transfer it when she overspends and it takes a few days. She forgets when her bills are due and when her wages get paid. She does seem more together than she used to be.

I do expect her to transfer me the money this week.

I am not going to be weak about this. We are supposed to be friends and I think it's up to her to approach me. I can't be that good a friend to her if she's going end the friendship because of this.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/01/2018 16:38

'I am not going to be weak about this. We are supposed to be friends and I think it's up to her to approach me. I can't be that good a friend to her if she's going end the friendship because of this.'

Don't be. She's an adult. It's a cheek to borrow from friends because you overspent again and again. And then not pay it back and expect to borrow more for something you don't need.

YouTheCat · 29/01/2018 16:41

When I transfer money from one account to another, it is instant.

She's wealthy because she gets other people to pay for stuff.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/01/2018 17:04

It doesn't seem to be about me refusing to lend her money today - but mentioning the past unpaid loan

Of course it's about your refusal to lend again ... if you'd mentioned the debt owed but still given her the money do you seriously think she'd have carried on like this? What's really upset her is having her CF-ery brought home to her, so she reacts by sending spiteful emails and ignoring you

Not my idea of a friend I'm afraid

Appuskidu · 29/01/2018 17:11

She is the crap friend, I’m afraid!

Tainbri · 29/01/2018 17:20

She's a CF. if she was even a half decent person she would a) have still paid you back even though you said it didn't matter because that's what a friend should do and b) remembered herself that she had "taken" money off you in the past and not asked again! Not a real friend.

Mrsmadevans · 29/01/2018 19:51

Has she paid you yet OP , I don't think she will I am sorry to say . Mine is also instantaneous when I transfer money over.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 29/01/2018 20:55

It's not been transferred yet but she did say next week. She was short at the end of last week (but was out shopping at the weekend and then going out in the evening too).

I think she's got money going into her account this week sometime. We were talking about it last week but I wasn't really listening.

I'm fairly sure she will transfer the money. I think the fact she's not going to hand me cash but doing a bank transfer says the friendship is maybe over from her point of view.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 29/01/2018 20:57

I think you have gained in the long run.

GottadoitGottadoit · 29/01/2018 21:06

Saying to forget about the money doesn’t mean literally ‘forget’ about it. It means don’t bother paying it back.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 29/01/2018 21:09

I can't believe our friendship is going to end over money she owed me in the past. I'm not sure what I expected today - being ignored hurt.

Being cut off because I refused to lend her money again makes a mockery of our friendship. If it was for something vital and I refused to lend her money - then I'd understand.

I'm still hoping this blows over. I'm thinking I must have missed out on something.

OP posts:
brownelephant · 29/01/2018 21:10

lucky escape I would say.

ime, only a cf would say 'a friendship matters more than money'

Butterymuffin · 29/01/2018 21:14

Sometimes people aren't who you thought they were. Sadly OP you're now seeing a new side of her - she can't bear to have any faults of hers pointed out.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 29/01/2018 21:40

I wrote a massive rant but realised I was being a bitch.

She has a lot of good qualities. She is well liked and I'm not sure how to understand the CheekyFuckeryness. I've not seen this type of behaviour from her before.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 29/01/2018 22:15

Try to play it totally cool for now. Behave as if you haven't noticed she is ignoring you. Say hello if you pass her but don't expect conversation. Just wait it out and see if she pays you but don't let it all spill out in the meantime.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 29/01/2018 22:35

I'm just going to get on with my tasks and keep my head down.

OP posts:
Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 30/01/2018 22:38

I've been ignored again today. No money transferred yet. I've been really productive without constant disturbances from her throughout the day.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 30/01/2018 22:43

She asked to borrow money again.......

you gave your Decision... and you gave your Reason for that Decision....

her being pissed off is her own problem.... Flowers

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 30/01/2018 22:56

At first I almost totally fell for the 'crap friend' point for reminding her she'd not paid me back the last time she borrowed money.

It took me a while for it to sink in that I haven't done anything wrong.

If I was bad mannered to have mentioned the money from before - she has well and truly been bad mannered and a crap friend ever since.

I don't think I even want her as a friend now. I'm still angry with her though.

I typed a massive rant yesterday and then deleted it as it was a bit over the top. Most people seem to find her a bit much but everyone just seems to accept her anyway. I wonder if I took cakes and biscuits in - would I be again to get away with similar things?

OP posts:
BlueMirror · 31/01/2018 14:26

She brought cakes and biscuits in with your money!
I'm glad you've realised you're not at fault op.

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