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Original poster

Not lending money again to previous non-payer/Not letting go of it.

122 replies

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 21:51

A few years ago I lent a small amount of money to a friend. It wasn't essential she pay me back - I could easily afford it but I did expect her to pay it back asap.

She kept on being short, making excuses and not quite having enough. In the end I said it didn't matter. I was fed up of the whole thing.

We've now fallen out as she wanted to borrow money for a non essential item (clothes shopping in town again) and I refused to lend it. I mentioned it was too much hassle and reminded her of when she'd previously borrowed money and not returned it.

She got upset that I'd held this money against her for all these years and that I had not let it go as I said I would.

Was it really bad friendship/mannered that I mentioned she's not paid me back previously?

OP posts:
bbcessex · 27/01/2018 23:26

Going against the grain here, but it seems like she is a kind, generous friend in almost every way but a bit dippy. Very different to deliberately setting out to get money from you.

How much actually was it? It would make me reassess our friendship if I'd borrowed money from you years ago, you'd said 'forget about it', then brought it up a long time later.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 23:27

I'm not that bothered whether I get the money back or not. I had let it go. I was just not going to lend her anymore.

I don't have many friends. I have a lot of people I know superficially but very few close friends. I don't have a lot of time and I'm a bit of a hermit.

Too much socialising makes me freak out a bit.

I do want to have friends though.

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bbcessex · 27/01/2018 23:29

You sound like a nice person. If she's a good friend, it will settle down x

BerylStreep · 27/01/2018 23:30

You might not want to make it worse, but she's not bothered. She's the one telling you you are a crap friend. You lent her money. She arsed around and you wrote the money off. Now she's asking for money again to buy clothes. And she has the cheek to say you are a crap friend when you (very sensibly given previous experience) say no.

I think you really need to reflect on why you are so keen to keep her friendship, even when she financially and verbally abuses you.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 23:38

It was just under £30. She always said she would pay it back.

I felt uncomfortable asking for it all the time. I didn't know if she was having money problems and was unable to pay me back. I didn't know her as well then.

She dropped me off home a few times and helped me quite a bit when I wasn't sure what to do.

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Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 23:42

bbcessex

It would make me reassess our friendship if I'd borrowed money from you years ago, you'd said 'forget about it', then brought it up a long time later.

That's her point.

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BerylStreep · 27/01/2018 23:51

But the correct response to a conversation that goes like this:

CF: PPW2 please could you lend me some money so I can buy some clothes?

PPW2: CF, I'm not so sure, in fact I'd rather not.

CF: Why not?

PPW2: Well last time I lent you money, you didn't pay it back and I ended up writing it off.

CF: OMG, Im so sorry - I'd forgotten. What are your bank details - I'll pay it in tomorrow.

Nowhere in a normal conversation does 'You're a crap friend' come into it. That only happens in CF manipulative ones.

SandAndSea · 27/01/2018 23:57

You didn't bring it up for no reason though, did you? I mean, it was highly relevant considering she was asking to borrow money again. What were you supposed to say, "Yes, of course! Please take all my money and let's not say another word about it!" I think most people would have been reminded of the previous nonpayment and I suspect that anyone lending to her again would do so resentfully.

OP, I think you've done well in facing up to this issue with her. I'm sure many of us would struggle with this in real life.

bbcessex · 28/01/2018 00:04

She does sound strange for fronting up to you about it.. silent mortification and addressing toot suite (sp?!) is the appropriate reaction on her part here.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 28/01/2018 00:17

I'm fairly certain she will transfer the money next week as it's no longer easily forgotten about. I've had no response from her but will see her Monday or Tuesday.

I think she feels she's helped me out non-financially at work, given me a few lifts in her car and maybe she's right.

But I've also done favours for her. I don't add all these things up in friendships. I think when you borrow money you should always pay it back. I think in her mind it gets cancelled out within the friendship.

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BlueMirror · 28/01/2018 00:19

I'd tell her you were happy to write it off last time but that you don't want to lend money anymore as she's often short and you don't know when you'll get it back.
I know you say you want friends but if you're having to tip toe around someone in case they get annoyed about you mentioning them not paying you money back, at a time when it's relevant since they're asking again, I'm sure you can do much better

BlueMirror · 28/01/2018 00:25

And I don't think it's particularly generous to be buying cakes and biscuits etc. She should be paying you back with that money! You basically paid for them while she looked generous when you should have had your cash back to spend on what you want.

LoveSchoolHolidays · 28/01/2018 00:48

I had a friend who borrowed £20 from me and then didn’t mention it. I was really annoyed so I just avoided her as we we’re good friends and I believe the best way to get rid of people is to loan them money. Eventually she messaged me to ask if I was not talking to her because she owed me money?!! She then repaid me £10 and acted like she was doing me a favour 🤔

I’ve recently found out that she has borrowed money from mutual friends and ‘forgotten’ to pay them back and has implied that she shouldn’t have to pay the money back because of the favours she does for them.

FFS, what is wrong with some people?

LoveSchoolHolidays · 28/01/2018 00:50

*we weren’t good friends

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2018 01:00

As Beryl says above, if she'd genuinely just felt bad about forgetting, the minute it came up she'd have apologised and said she would transfer it ASAP. She didn't, she spent a while trying to make you feel guilty first.

The reason she's reacted like this is because she wants to think of herself as a generous person who is a giver not a taker- someone who doesn't take advantage of a friend. In this instance she did, though, so she's resentful of being reminded me that and that's why she's snapping back.

Best thing to do is play it totally neutrally. Don't apologise again for asking. If she goes down the guilt trip path again, I would say 'Now it's you going on about it. You've repaid me now so let's leave it at that'. I still wouldn't ever lend to her again, though. But I doubt she will ask in future #winwin

HappenedForAReisling · 28/01/2018 01:19

I think she wants to pay you back so she's wiped the slate clean (in her eyes) and can start borrowing from you again with a clean conscience.

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 28/01/2018 01:28

Butterymuffin

Yeah, you may have a point. I don't really feel she's purposely trying to make me feel guilty though. She seems genuinely upset that I said to forget about paying back the money but then reminded her of it when she wanted to borrow more.

She feels I'm the crap friend for mentioning it. It doesn't seem to be about me refusing to lend her money today - but mentioning the past unpaid loan.

I mentioned the past money because I wanted to be honest and not just say I couldn't afford to buy it for her.

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Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 29/01/2018 09:58

And today I'm being ignored by her. I'm just going to keep busy. I don't think I'm going to be made to feel guilty over this.

I don't think I've done anything wrong. It might have been 'bad form' to have mentioned the money she failed to pay me back but I was honest about not wanting to lend to her again for a non essential item that she can always buy again when she has the money herself.

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specialsubject · 29/01/2018 10:01

You arent a friend, you are a cash machine. Ignore.

dustarr73 · 29/01/2018 11:02

You have upset the status quo,your friend is ignoring you to put you back in your box.Shes hoping you will lend give her the money now.So it goes back to teh way it was.You being her cash cow.Dont give in.

StormTreader · 29/01/2018 11:44

Reminding her that she never paid you back has made her feel bad about herself, so shes annoyed with you.

The thing is though that people SHOULD feel bad about not paying friends back, that bad feeling is what motivates people to pay back debts. Its her thats being the bad friend about this, and shes annoyed at you for not pretending that it isnt.

StormTreader · 29/01/2018 11:45

And seconding Ellen - if she has the money to pay you back from before, why did she try and borrow more from you? I'm sure we'd all prefer to not spend our own money when buying things we want, but it doesnt really work that way.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/01/2018 11:52

Wtf?! Grin

I would have done the same. You did let it go - she needs a bit of a reality check here I think. 'Not letting it go' would translate as being angry and let down that she had failed to pay back a loan and dropping her as a friend. You know that would have been really perfectly reasonable, right? It's what many people would have done.

You let it go.

It would be interesting to ask her whether she perceives that she, in return, has any responsibility to act like an actual friend. Yes of course you turned her down for another loan. It would be stupid not to. A real friend, who had been generously forgiven for not paying back and had the matter discreetly and kindly dropped, wouldn't have asked again. Quite frankly she should have been utterly embarrassed to ask again.

Even if she hadn't let you down before, it's fine for anyone to turn down a friend for a favour if they don't feel it's doable. Friends don't have the right to scream and strop if they are told no when askign a favour.

This is so far beyond that, I would let the friendship go. She's not only a user, she's utterly without any self awareness. I wouldn't want to carry on a real friendship with a person like this.

KAT0779 · 29/01/2018 11:53

I had a friend who constantly did this, she would spend all her money on clothes/going out etc. then be asking me to lend her money for bus fare, tampax, other essentials. She always seemed to forget her card when we went shopping, so I had to just stop going shopping with her as it just took any enjoyment out of it. I couldn't say I had no money or I would just not be able to buy stuff myself, we couldn't just go out for something to eat / shopping etc. and just spend my own money on myself without worrying she would ask to borrow some.

I would mostly get the money back but had to chase it and plenty of odd tenners here and there were easily forgotten.

Anyway, op sorry to ramble on but no you are not being unreasonable to not lend her money again!

Original poster
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 29/01/2018 12:58

She's ignored me completely at break time; we are busy but she usually makes time. Feeling a bit gutted.

She's from a fairly wealthy background and she does seem to be very lax about money. It's also not as if she's constantly borrowing from everyone.

I'm not very impressed with her behaviour to me over the last couple of days. I might have been bad mannered to have brought up the money she owed me but I think her reaction has been just as bad mannered.

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