Hen weekend costing more and more each day

[Dawn1992]

Hi. My bfs hen do is next month and the cost of it seems to be growing arms and legs. Especially down to the fact that I'm also a bridesmaid. My bf doesn't know about it as she's not part of the planning it's a surprise. She would be very unhappy about the costs I can assure you. The bridesmaids have had to pay for people who have pulled out to cover the cost of the house for the weekend. Now the other bridesmaids are demanding another £40pp for alcohol and food. I'm happy to pay £20 for food costs but they all know I'm pregnant and will not be drinking but are still expecting me to pay for alcohol.. aibu to refuse? I've also refused to pay for a mini bus as I will not be on it. I live 20 mins away from where the house is so I'm driving down on my own. If I were to get the mini bus I would have to drive 45mins in the opposite direction to leave my car then spend over an hour on the bus (which the brides not even going to be on as she's going in the car with her mum) I'm just getting really ticked off at the whole thing!!

I have been on hen dos where we stay in a hotel and then go out for dinner, drinks, out in the tone basically and many where it's just one night out. I don't really get this gathering in a house for a weekend. I have turned down a couple like this.

Tone should read town

Sounds like bride's DM is all over the situation !
I'd just send back up messages to support her. That's the trouble when you book cottages as opposed to hotels.

In theory they look cheaper if fully occupied, but invariably people start pulling out and at least if it's a cancellable hotel then there's no cost. Also it sometimes feels as if s/c costs more than staying in a hotel - at least there you get a breakfast thrown in.

Ridiculous they should expect you to pay for alcohol when you aren't drinking. Huzzah for brides DM !

Are the other bridesmaids all on six figure salarys?

Oops massively slow typing so missed the post about brides mum - sounds like an end to the nonsense is in sight.

Yayy for brides mum putting her foot down £480 for 2 days is ridiculous I guess they just got carried away with organising and wanted it to be perfect but still hopefully they will calm down.

YANBU. It's ridiculous to ask you to pay for alcohol you won't be drinking and a bus you won't be on! Put your foot down and just say NO. And if they get arsey just drop out completely and tell the bride why.

I would never want to share my precious leisure time with a group of people who thought it was right to try and force me to spend money on them.

As as suspicious type I would question how it came about that £40 was the amount needed to buy food and drink for essentially 1 day . Was there a breakdown of how it was to be spent ?
Thank goodness the brides mum has put a stop to this madness so you can pay your contribution for the food alone.

But I would still be very wary of those of the group who tried to bully you.

If they don't want to pay for a mini bus then they drive too. They are responsible for getting themselves there, however they do it. £480 is ridiculous for food. Presumably you've already contributed to the shortfall of the people pulling out though? You all need to share that unfortunately. This requested money isn't a way to redress that is it?
CFuckery going on here.

If people have said they are re going, and then have pulled out, surely they should still stump up their money.

In what way is it unfair that you don't pay for something you're not going to have?! It would be ridiculously unfair for you TO pay for something you can't have!!

In fact they're basically asking you to subsidise their drinking, which is so rude. Just tell them that you'll pay for what you have - and you won't be contributing to the alcohol OR the minibus.

Ridiculous state of affairs!

Live and learn from this for the future.

• anyone who says they are coming needs to pay IN ADVANCE for the things which will have to paid for if they pull out last minute. Start an account for the money to go into. If they don't pay,N they aren't included and the booking isn't made until this is all sorted. (means organising well in advance)
• a plan is put together at the start and people don't then add extras to it.
• a clear last of what is on offer and prices of each element are made clear at the outset of planning. People then opt into the parts they want to be part of and out of those they don't. Clear dates given for payment.
• a lid is kept on costs - needs to be recognised not everyone is flush.

All of this sounds a bit boring, but the alternative is escalating costs, people dropping out and not paying and resentment all round, which doesn't lead to a pleasant experience for anyone.

Hurrah for brides mum

I was going to suggest BYOB, but bride's mum beat me to it.

I organised a self catering weekend. We did BYOB and a couple of the guests provided the puddings. We paid £15 per person for 2 nights, and there was plenty of food left over

anyone who says they are coming needs to pay IN ADVANCE for the things which will have to paid for if they pull out last minute. Start an account for the money to go into. If they don't pay, they aren't included and the booking isn't made until this is all sorted

I agree that people should pay in advance for accommodation etc. I think best way to do it is - book a suitable house, pay the deposit, and then get £ from guests so you know the cost of accommodation is covered

How are people so shit at organise group trips? Golden rule - only book accomodation once you have money from people. Booking serviced apartments is easier than a big house/cottage as late additions or single nighters can sort their own apartment our.

Get accurate costs before giving the (upper) estimate to the group, and don’t add on extra activities/costs once people have committed.

Hooray for a sensible mother of the bride.

The bride's friends are off the charts cheeky fucker ridiculous.

I hope they get over themselves so you can enjoy the weekend.

You're in the right.

Why would you pay for alcohol and transport you don't need? Also, because you don't need it they'll need a smaller minibus and less booze surely so the cost is already lower.

Stand your ground.

I think you're being completely reasonable BUT I've found each hen weekend I've been on has been a nightmare tbh. on one there was a complete divide between the women by the end of the weekend, on another there was arguments and one women threatened to hit another one, on another one it was a complete shagfest, several of the women who were already married were out to pull and had one night stands...! God they were awful hen weekends.

• I think you should drive as planned and not pay towards minibus.
• I think the £40 towards food and alcohol (£40 x 12 = £480!!!!) is a ridiculous amount for two days but I imagine most of the budget is for alcohol. BUT I would just pay it. I can see if you refuse it will cause bad feeling which will probably come out over the weekend once everyone starts drinking.

Sounds like they wanted to include their own weekly shops and a few bottles of booze for their own drinks cupboards...

Glad to hear that the bride's mum has taken control and stopped the mad expense.

If she hadn't I would be asking for receipts to see exactly what was bought and so the remainders could be divvied up fairly afterwards. And to make sure that they had just used the money for things for the weekend!

OP, would love to hear what the CF hens think of Bride’s Mum’s sensible intervention. Keep us posted.

Yes, going for accommodation such as hotels, which a re paid for per head is a good idea. Once people have committed and paid up front the rooms can be booked, or people book their own.

The trouble with cottages etc is that the price is fixed and if fewer people come, the price is the same, plus extras cannot join after its full.

I wouldn't even pay a booking deposit on a cottage until I had commitment and money from people up front. Otherwise, numbers can turn out to be too low and the booker is left bearing the deposit cost.

I agree, people are a bit crap at organisation and a bit naieve about other people and how flaky they are. Organising a hen do which involves accommodation is a task that requires organisation, clear communications and expectations and sometimes a bit of assertiveness. People think hen nights are just a fun filled, boozy events, full of ladies laughing and having a wild time. They can be those things, but it only happens with a lot of forwar planning and clarity. Too often these organisational qualities are missing and annoyance about money and resentment within hen nights is very widespread as a result. It's a real shame.

Whenever I go away with friends (very rarely)

We usually do a meals list then decide if anyone wants to bring anything instead of buying it. For example. Iv got a massive bag of pasta or oh Iv got a big milk/block of cheese that won't last until I'm home so il bring it.

We all add in other stuff if we fancy it. Il normally bring a few extra snacks someone normally brings soup if she had some left from her last batch. We bring a little of our own tea/coffee from home.

Then (usually me) does an online shop a couple of days before and we split it between us. We all bring our own alcohol or if any of us want to share i.e. Will we get x for that cocktail they discuss that separately from the group.

The most important bit is I/they take the receipts incase there are arguments but so far there never has been because we are honest and flexible with each other!

Brides mum sounds brilliant
I've only been on one hem do like this. Organised by brides sil who suggested it, gave us an "upper limit" fron the start, checked everyone was OK and communicated effectively. And then gave us all luxurious gift bags too!

I've been on a number of hen dos in cottages and the like and they were all run organised in such a sensible manner that there was nothing to start a thread about.