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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just walked in on DH having a wank?!?

107 replies

NameChangeAgr · 27/01/2018 03:04

Aibu to be pissed off?? Not even sure why I feel slightly pissed off.
Maybe because I'm pregnant and he refused my advances earlier but it was the most awkward thing ever.

OP posts:
fatPam · 27/01/2018 08:40

I think "crime" is tongue in cheek. Let's substitute it with wrong.

Nothing wrong with not having sex on demand.

Nothing wrong with masturbating.

Nothing wrong with mainstream porn.

ergo the OP is being unreasonable.

ClaryFray · 27/01/2018 08:51

I've rejected sex then gone on to play after. Sometimes I fancy a quick one, not all the fuss about sex.

Tinkerbec · 27/01/2018 09:08

But if the vibrator was going and she had an image of hot naked men on her ipad. I would understand why he would be upset.

Coconutspongexo · 27/01/2018 09:08

It is totally understandable to be upset by this. Ignore the "His Body. His Rulz." brigade hmm They are obviously the "cool wives".

Not a cool wife I just respect other people’s right to say no to sex.

Shakalakababy · 27/01/2018 09:14

Let the man have some alone time. Yabwaytoou!

I'm pretty sure that you have your quality time too?🤔

Nikephorus · 27/01/2018 10:42

Don't forget that a wank is just a sexual release. Sex with your wife is (hopefully) more of an event - something that requires him to think about what you want, to put your needs first and ensure that you get something out of it. Think about it as the difference between him being hungry and making a quick cheese sarnie or feeling obliged to cook you both a 3-course dinner - both have the effect of filling his stomach but one requires a lot more effort that he might not feel making. The porn is just the difference between using a blunt knife to cut the cheese (no porn) or cutting even slices with a proper cheese knife (porn) - same effect but porn makes it easier. It's not personal.

BattleCuntGalactica · 27/01/2018 11:34

This is a thing! It’s called a danger wank, when I was at school, year 11 so 16 the lads would do it upstairs and shout “MUUUM” and try and finish before she got up the stairs. Grim grim grim

Now I've got DANGERWAAAAANK stuck in my head to the tune of DANGERMOUSE.

..."he's the fastest secret wanker in the worrrllllld.."

daydreambelieving · 27/01/2018 13:25

Of course he has a right to say no to sex. That's not the issue. He should have been more discreet and subsequently sensitive to his wife's feelings on the matter. She was feeling rejected and then catches him cracking one off to porn Hmm Charming.

Rachie1973 · 27/01/2018 13:37

daydreambelieving
It is totally understandable to be upset by this. Ignore the "His Body. His Rulz." brigade They are obviously the "cool wives".

This insult is SO over.

What you really mean is 'less insecure wife'

Coconutspongexo · 27/01/2018 14:13

The OP is arsed about being ‘rejected’ where else more discreet could he have done it? Daydream

Eleanorsummer · 27/01/2018 14:39

Wouldn't care about him masturbating but the watching porn would bother me.

Louiselouie0890 · 27/01/2018 14:51

I don't think it's about his body his choice I think it's about ops feelings being hurt as he rejected her then turned to porn. Yanbu!

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 14:57

No problem with the masturbation part what so ever. It's more about saying no to wife and then masturbating with porn and slightly shocked at all the men who apparently won't have sex with their pregnant wives 'cos there's a baby in there'!

Coconutspongexo · 27/01/2018 14:58

Woman have said they say no to their husbands then masturbate. You can not want sex and still masturbate

Kittykat93 · 27/01/2018 16:06

I find it hard to believe most of the pps would be totally cool with being rejected and then finding their partner wanking looking at other women. OP I understand why you feel like shit.

GunnyHighway · 27/01/2018 16:59

Doesn't matter if they're cool with it. He didn't want sex but did want to wank. His choice

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2018 17:04

I find it hard to believe most of the pps would be totally cool with being rejected and then finding their partner wanking looking at other women.

Quite.

Coconutspongexo · 27/01/2018 17:05

Doesn't matter if they're cool with it. He didn't want sex but did want to wank. His choice

This

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 17:14

Doesn't matter if they're cool with it. He didn't want sex but did want to wank. His choice
This.
If i don't want sex but want to spend time with my vibrator then that's my choice. No man has the right to tell me 'you should have had sex with me because you gave yourself an orgasm later'.

Fair enough to feel a bit meh for a bit. I get that. But pissed off? No.

I'm surprised how many people think that a man who doesn't want sex should abstain from any orgasms. Bet they wouldn't tell a woman she should havr sex when she isn't up for it or have no orgasms until tje next time she wants sex.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/01/2018 17:25

He is fully ok to refuse sex with you his body his rules

But you are ok to feel hurt or rejected by his refusal.

What you are not ok to do is attempt to pressure or coerce him

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 17:28

Well said NeedsAsockamnesty.

Understandable to feel a little hurt.
Utterly unreasonable to be pissed off or think that because he had a wank he shpuld have had sex when he didnt want sex.

It's like the tea and sex video but in this situation the man didn't want tea at 2pm but at 4pm fancied a glass of lemonade. Both involve quenching thirst but it's unreasonable to be annoyed that someonr didn't want tea at 2pm because they happrned to drink lemonade later

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/01/2018 17:53

I guess it matter as to how many times he doesn’t want tea yet still fancies some lemonade

Long term I may be quite angry despite not showing that and I may feel that my marriage was a bit crappy. Short term wouldn’t phase me

Sallystyle · 27/01/2018 18:20

I can't believe I'm reading this. Any person is entirely within their rights to reject a sexual advance.

Yes, we all know that. You don't need to educate us. Who ever said otherwise, anyway?

I am still entitled to be annoyed if my husband rejects me. I don't have the right to cause a fuss, make him feel guilty, coerce him into sex, sulk or any of that shit. But I am entirely in my rights to feel annoyed, quietly.

Many times I have wanted sex and DH hasn't. I say 'ok' and that's it. Conversation over. Still doesn't mean I don't feel a bit annoyed. As long as I don't put my feelings onto him I can feel how I want to feel.

Wanking to porn would be a deal breaker for me.

Wanking on its own wouldn't bother me, unless I was being rejected regularly and for a long period of time.

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 18:23

NeedsAsockamnesty
I agree. Long term regularly prefering a wank to sex for no reason would be hugely problematic.
Now and then, it's just part and parcel of being human and wantint different things at different times.

FrancinePefko · 27/01/2018 18:31

Wanking to porn would be a deal breaker for me.

How many men do you know that don't?

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