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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just walked in on DH having a wank?!?

107 replies

NameChangeAgr · 27/01/2018 03:04

Aibu to be pissed off?? Not even sure why I feel slightly pissed off.
Maybe because I'm pregnant and he refused my advances earlier but it was the most awkward thing ever.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 27/01/2018 07:51

It’s only double standards if the same people are saying different things depending on the scenario.

Plenty of us just have ‘standards’.

GunnyHighway · 27/01/2018 07:53

How fucking dare he? That's disgusting behavior OP. If he won't shag you then you should find someone who will!

You are well within your right to be upset and you should tell everyone what happened to shame him.

ZoopDragon · 27/01/2018 07:53

I think you should have apologised for walking in on him and pretended it never happened.

Lots of men go off sex when their partner's pregnant- fear of hurting the baby, the weirdness of the baby being so close during intercourse, changes to their partner's body etc.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 07:56

Of course he's within his rights but its not particularly friendly, i would never rebuff my dh and the tell him 'sorry do you mind if I just masturbate on my own instead '

BeakyPlinder · 27/01/2018 07:57

OP don't let it knock your confidence in sure your oh still fancies you rotten. Some men can be a bit weird about sex in pregnancy, especially when your visibly showing. I remember going overdue and dragging my man upstairs to help get labour started and it was the worst and most uncomfortable sex I've ever had 😂 and it didn't even work. Xx

daydreambelieving · 27/01/2018 08:00

It is totally understandable to be upset by this. Ignore the "His Body. His Rulz." brigade Hmm They are obviously the "cool wives".

He rejected your advances and then had a wank over porn and you caught him. Lovely.

I think any normal person would be a bit miffed/hurt over this.

He should have been much more discreet and then you would never have known.

I think the 2 of you need to have a good chat about your sex life and how your pregnancy is affecting that. You don't suddenly stop being sexual when you become pregnant.

Dipitydoda · 27/01/2018 08:00

Offer to lend a hand? Literally

mnxnt42 · 27/01/2018 08:02

I’d be hurt if my partner refused sex then I caught him having a wank. And i’m Sure he would be if the roles were reversed.

It’s not about feeling entitled. I would be hurt that he was clearly horny but didn’t want me. I would feel unloved and unfancied.

fatPam · 27/01/2018 08:03

It’s only double standards if the same people are saying different things depending on the scenario.

I suspect the poster meant in general and the reply after yours illustrated it perfectly!

"If he won't shag you then you should find someone who will!"

Can you imagine anyone supporting a poster's husband if they'd said this? Rape through coercion. Emotionally abusive. The smug (and usually wrong, IMO) ^are they abusive in other ways" and "he is abusive. What are you going to do now".

FrancinePefko · 27/01/2018 08:05

I would feel unloved and unfancied
Another person's right to give or withhold consent trumps your feelings.

FrancinePefko · 27/01/2018 08:07

I suspect GunnyHighway was being ironic.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 08:08

It's one thing coercing a non horny partner into having sex, its another thing entirely being turned down for porn and masturbation.

TheStoic · 27/01/2018 08:08

I suspect the poster meant in general and the reply after yours illustrated it perfectly!

"If he won't shag you then you should find someone who will!"

I think that poster was being tongue in cheek?

FrancinePefko · 27/01/2018 08:11

He rejected your advances. I think any normal person would be a bit miffed by this

Hmm

Just add an 's' to the first word of that sentence and tell me if it still reasonable.

ferntwist · 27/01/2018 08:13

YANBU. Very understandable you feel this way. Hurtful that he rejected your advances. Has he been affectionate otherwise?

Mrsjellybum · 27/01/2018 08:14

OP regardless of what men 'normally do' and regardless of the fact it's 'normal'

Yes I think you have every right to be a bit pissed off in your situation your heavily pregnant feeling fragile and probably a bit Hormonal.

It would be nice if he considered your feelings just for these next few months and realise your allowed to be slightly unreasonable in your situation. Or at least he needs to hide it a bit better.

GunnyHighway · 27/01/2018 08:16

I think that poster was being tongue in cheek?

Yes I was. Thankfully people recognised it

LearnFromThePast · 27/01/2018 08:19

That would piss me off too actually. Being pregnant it isn’t lovely to be rejected and then find him watching porn filled with (mostly) very slim women. It would make me feel really unattractive.

But me and H wouldn’t masturbate if the other was home and in the mood. Sex is massively important for me so perhaps I do have a different view from those who can take or leave it

shakeyourcaboose · 27/01/2018 08:19

How is someone believing in body autonomy and someone's right to not have sex if they don't want worthy of the MN negative term 'cool wives'???

TheStoic · 27/01/2018 08:20

Yes I was. Thankfully people recognised it.

You never know around here!

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 08:21

Ignore the "His Body. His Rulz." brigadeThey are obviously the "cool wives"
Nope. Not cool wives at all.
I just have what I consider to be a fairly normal view where people have the right to have sexual intimacy on their terms abs if either party isn't up for sex then it doesn't happen.
Nothing at all about being 'cool'.

Put it this way, if a man posted 'i made a move on my pregnant wife but she turned me down. I'm pissed off because when i came in from the garage i could clearly hear her vibrator going'. People would be hurling abuse at him because she is pregnant, she may not want sex for any number of reasons, she doesn't have to shag on demand for you.
And rightly so. She didn't want sex. She doesn't have to.

OP's husband didn't want sex. He didn't have to have sex.

(The porn issue is separate)

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 27/01/2018 08:21

YABU.

GunnyHighway · 27/01/2018 08:22

Was the porn even an issue OP? you didn't mention it in your first post and only bought it up later.

FrancinePefko · 27/01/2018 08:33

Masturbating is not a crime. Forcing / coercing someone into sexual activity they don't want is

Lethaldrizzle · 27/01/2018 08:37

Not sure anyone said masturbation was a crime Hmm

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