To ask about the advantages of private school?

[longestlurkerever]

This is probably going to come across badly, but I'm interested in hearing people's opinions. I went to a middle of the road state school and then Oxford. I came away with a first class law degree and a training contract at a magic circle law firm. Although I didn't especially enjoy secondary school, I suppose I've always thought that it did the trick and my dds wouldn't lose anything if they had the same education as me. Recently though I've been working through some stuff with the help of a leadership course at work and realise that, even once you bag the job, there are an awful lot of unwritten rules that I am not sure I am fully understand - how to network effectively, how to have authority in senior meetings and just generally how to go through life feeling assured and confident and have been wondering if this is what private schooling is really all about? I still am not sure I'd choose private school for my dds even if it is, and would have to make some tough decisions to afford it anyway, but I am interested in what the benefits are so I can weigh them up.

I’m really struggling to see your dilemma op. The angst, what will everyone else think
You're solvent,have a career, you’re PT if you need more dough go FT.simple
If however you keep benchmarking what others think,and an imaginary moral dilemma you’ll tie yourself up in knots
This is truly a mc angst.youre prosperous,have choices,and are still handwringing

I didn’t grow up mc,went to uni got professional degrees,am now solvent
I really don’t sweat my parenting choices. I’m lucky to have them,and I don’t factor in other folk opinion
I’m of the fuck em school of thought when it comes to other people opinion

Spread over many, many years, OV. We are #soblessed to be able to do this but we have both worked hard to do so. It’s not a fluke, and there is no old money involved.

Lipstick, i think we have misunderstood each other. I'm not angsty. Just interested. I already know I'm not afraid of state school or intimidated by private. I am in a privileged position in that I could if I wanted give my dds a different type of schooling to my own. That makes me lucky, not worried.

And I'm not at all concerned about anyone else's opinion on my choices. Whatever gave you that impression? I only asked about people's own choices

Ah. I'd never assume other people can't afford private school because they didn't work as hard as us.

My parents are very well off and they paid most of my dds fees. She got a scholarship for the rest. I'm not convinced the private school is any better than our excellent school local state, but she likes it shrugs

I think small class sizes are not always a good thing and the amount of extracurricular is often at the expense of academia. My friends dd goes to a 'small nurturing prep' TM. She does so much sport, spends almost every weekend off competing somewhere, she's in two plays a year, debating competitions. All designed to make the school look good and take the emphasis off their average exam results. The parents always say how much she loves it but to be honest she always looks absolutely knackered!

I do think that the top public schools tend to produce pupils who are better at the kind of things you are talking about BUT often that's because those pupils come from families who are better at those things anyway.

THIS! I was state school working class and I just don’t think there were students at my school whose parents had the qualities you’re talking about.

Nowadays, I’m not a lawyer but I do work in a top city law firm and spend a lot of time working with NQs-3PQE. They all have great degrees, trained at magic circle firms etc, but after spending 30 mins with them I can usually tell who had a private education. Looking at their CV afterwards I’m correct 95% of the time.

Depends where you live and what options are available. Some areas are very well served by great state schools and private doesn’t bring many added extras. Some grammars are excellent, some not so much.

Round here we have no grammars, the state church secondary does very well but selects by church attendance so benefits the middle classes. The other state options are pretty mediocre with high staff turnover and not great attainment, quite a lot of behaviour problems. A few of the private schools are highly selective and oversubscribed and do well. The other private schools are less selective and a mixed bag but of course don’t take problem children, retain teachers etc so less academic but well off children probably fare better at those than they would at the state.

As a privately educated child and a current state school teacher who has taught in both state and private, I'd go for a good private school every time, if you can afford it.

The smaller class sizes are invaluable. More actual teaching tends to happen and less crowd control.

However, there are poor private schools too.

I've taught 5 year olds that play Call of Duty and GTA. Not sure how that is relevant to this post though.

I think that if you are unable, or unwilling, to support a child at home, private school is a good option (as they do prep at school)

Op I thought you were impacted by what others thought.the 12:57 post
If you can afford it,think it’ll suit your girls,you weigh up the pro/con to decide
It’s a contentious topic, I’m essentially saying you’ll not find a middle ground

. Which is why she's there and not at the good local state

Mentol if your dd is so clever surely she would do fine at a state school. It seems strange to actually put money in the coffers of a private school you seem to dislike intensely.

10Things

I went to three different private schools from age 4-15 and we never once did prep at school.

Mentol if your dd is so clever surely she would do fine at a state school. It seems strange to actually put money in the coffers of a private school you seem to dislike intensely. yes she would have done well at state school but she wanted to go to the private school, got a scholarship and my parents paid for her to go. I don't hate it (another of my dds was at a different indie which I do think is a crap school I may not have been clear). I think a lot of it is smoke and mirrors though!

No, that was just me acknowledging your point that values play a role.

I went to private schools on scholarships - expat brat, working class parents in middle class jobs.
I did very well at school academically and had the sort of confidence you get from that, but not the kind that enables you to be charming and schmooze people into investing in your business. Result is despite being able to speak poshly and socialise with posh people just fine, I don't have the 'visible' social charm that would get me promoted beyond being a very competent middle manager.
Which in turn means we dont have the income to send dc to private school.

As it happens, ds has ASD and while very bright has low confidence and is prone to hiding under tables. His diverse school friends' reaction is "oh, Crowlet does that", entice him out, and are good mates despite him being a bit weird. It probably helps no end that in his class there are others with more noticeable/severe disabilities so his foibles seem less unusual. In comparison my schools never had anyone with obvious disability and I was expected to hide mine in case the schools found out and threw me out (back then the state schools wouldn't let me in anyway). There are some kids with social poise and confidence who I predict will earn loads as adults, and then send their offspring to private schools as they both can and have colleagues who do.

You never hear about the geeks from Eton who don't get famous.

OP, you mention "values" and obviously it's up to you. I used to feel exactly the same way as you, "Well state was good enough for me -look where I ended up.,etc"

But when you have DC you realise that the state school system in this country is not fair. No way. It's a postcode lottery. Some areas have grammars, most don't. Even more ridiculous is the faith school system - where entry is assessed according to when you were baptised! It's a total nonsense and people "play the game" if they possibly can.

I basically realised the chip I had on my shoulder about independent schools was my issue and reverse prejudice in a way. By going private if you can afford it, you're freeing up state places for those who need them more than you. Plus, in many schools, part of the fees goes towards the bursary programme in that school.

This may not apply to those who really struggle to afford private school but a huge advantage is conferred simply by having wealthy parents. It's easy to be confident and take risks, with career etc, if there is money at home to back you up.

One of the nicest people I know went to a very exclusive London school. Naturally qe quiet and shy but very used to talking to rich, influential people and can manage any social situation. I was like that but went to a comp with zero pastoral support or character education and it took my years and years to find my voice.

Ditto, I used to think being competent and able that’d be my voice.it isn’t enough
I had to work on confidence, feeling I had the right to speak up,not automatically feeling shouldn’t be there
Having voice, sense of being entitled to be there,are all mc attributes.
In the mc dna,along with fixations about schools,and house prices

Ragusa That is true. As soon as I left school I had to pay everything for myself and had to take steady jobs so that I could afford my rent

Can certainly help on a CV.

Really depressed reading this thread! Dh and I both state educated and done well( on paper "better") than our privately educated friends so our dds at local state schools that seem really good - much better than our old schools. Single sex and strict so not the low level disruption dh and I experienced. When asking dd if anyone messes about she looked at me blankly.

So abit disheartening to see that our lack of private education can be spotted at a glance and we and our dds lack confidence and social skills

You certainly get the accent, and the old boys network from a private school. At our local private girls school the very first thing you have to pay for is a lifetime membership of the old girls club

I went to a top selective independent girls school and can safely say that I’ve gaoned not one single thing in terms of networks. I get an old girls news letter once a year and that’s it. Academically it was great but the idea of a network to open doors is just nonsense for an ordinary independent day school. It’s nothing like Eton.

Opening doors comes from far wider connections. I can get my children introductions to all manner of law, accountancy, banking, media and fashion companies but I’d struggle to get them any kind of experience in plumbing, carpentry, the police, nursing and that’s because I don’t really know anyone in those jobs but none of that comes from old boys networks it’s more from university from their state school friends parents who are all fairly middle class

I was educated privately from 5-18 but DH went to state. We really struggled with whether to send our 2 DC to private or state (DH was quite pro private) but it would have been a massive stretch financially at the time. Luckily they both got into a very good state school (recent progress 8 score of + 0.4) and instead we have spent money on enriching their lives with skiing, lots of school trips, music tuition for 2 instruments each, ballet, drama, maths tutor etc etc. It will be interesting to compare results with their privately educated friends when the time comes.

Kerala I would take it with a pinch of salt, as others have said

I don’t think tutors,numerous additional activities is necessarily enriching
Kids I know with that sort of punishing schedule are dragooned by pushy parents
As I said my kids don’t have or need tutors, and they don’t attend additional paid fir activities
It’s became a thing to have tutors,classes,mandarin,violin,drama,dance. a competitive hothouse thing